I love my girlfriend, but she went on a date with another guy, I'm a broken man and need some strength

[pikiriki]

I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. We have been living together for just over 2 years. At the start things moved very quickly, and we were soon very much in love. When I met her she was working in a kebab shop with little confidence, but I could see she was a diamond in the rough. She had experience in accounting, and eventually I helped her get an office job as an accountant. I was so proud of her, and we were so happy.

We know each others family, friends. We have a cat together. We've built a life together in our flat, and were recently talking and seriously considering buying a house together. Everything was looking like this was the right girl for me, and I could see myself married with kids with her. I have emotionally invested everything to this relationship. And in return I have gained happiness with life. Every part of my life now is somehow connected to her. She is a very supportive girlfriend.

Now we have had ups and downs in our relationship. She is a very stubborn girl, and get's angry and grumpy easily. We both have our faults, but I thought we had come to understand each other and accept our faults and love each other for the good things.

She's an attractive girl, and I understand she get's attention from guys. I can accept that, as I knew she loved me. There is a guy at the gym who has shown her attention, but she has told me she has fended him off and told him she's with me. This is a muscly guy, which I know she likes. I've put on 7kg of muscle since going out with her to get the body she wants. And I'm happy doing that for her.

Last week she told me she wished we had a more passionate relationship. I understood what she was saying, and I was researching it, and thinking about solutions and things we could do together to boost our spark again. Last weekend she was going to Paris with her female friend.

On Sunday she came back and I can see on my phone where she is. She obviously forgot that. I found it strange she didn't say she was back. I saw she was at McDonald's for a while, and then walked about a bit, went to a park then eventually was in a building for a long time. I found out this was a hotel, and text her. She lied to me and said she was at a restaurant with her friend. Later that evening I still hadn't heard from her and she was still at this place, then her phone went off. I was worried. I called her friend who said she hadn't seen her since the afternoon. I went on her Facebook and saw the guy had sent her a few pictures. I was devastated.

The next day she came back and I confronted her. She admitted it, but said they had just met for food, and she got the hotel to be alone and collect her thoughts. It sounds stupid, but I believe this. I was willing to forgive her for what she did. Then she said she wouldn't delete his number as it's "an open door". Now she has had a few days to think about it and has said sorry and she loves me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help!

[Belgie]

You need to re-evaluate your relationship in light of what it actually is, and not the rosy colored fiction you thought it was.

First warning signs that you're doing this wrong -

"I have emotionally invested everything to this relationship."

"Every part of my life now is somehow connected to her."

Phrases like that don't belong in a healthy relationship. They are often used by kids who don't know any better, or young guys in their *first* relationship. It is usually a sign that you're going to turn into one of those clingy needy guys who simply can't live without her, and inevitably get dumped by her because she's looking for a man, not a parasite/lamprey who can only live with her by his side.

I was that guy in my first relationship too, so I remember what it was like. I thought that the key to success was to throw more and more of myself into the relationship - the more committed *I* was, the greater the chance of success. Well, that's horse-sh*t as I found out.

"Last week she told me she wished we had a more passionate relationship."

That should have been a warning sign, and not just something she said which gives you something to think about. By the time a girl gets around to saying something like that out loud, she's been feeling it for a while, and probably dropping hints which you've missed all over the place. Speaking it out loud is an act of finality for her. An act of last resort.

So what you have now, is a relationship that is in a rut - with a girl who feels there's no passion in your relationship. Some new guy made her feel an excitement which you don't make her feel anymore. Maybe she cheated on you (she probably did) but that doesn't mean things are necessarily over.

If they're over, you have to work out what you're going to learn from this - how being too involved in the relationship made her bored, sucked the passion and spontaneity out of your daily routine... and ultimately made her seek out the passion and novelty of another guy.

If it's not over, you have to work out how you can both fix this - how you make things exciting for her again. And that's not easy. Because at this stage, almost every instinct you will have for keeping the relationship alive, is 100% wrong. You will feel the urge to do more for her, when in fact you should do less. You will want to be with her more often (because you don't trust her or want to check up on her) when in fact what you should be doing is giving her space to miss you. I'd go so far as to say all your instincts will be wrong.

You need to act like a fun guy. Even act like a single guy. Someone who isn't tied down and boring and stuck in a routine. Maybe then you can find the passion, and she can see you're still the same guy she fell for originally.

But emotionally, start backing out of this - this probably isn't the girl you're going to buy a house with and marry. Or if she is, then it's much further down the line than you thought.

[swiftsaver602]

^This. While I agree with the other answerers that she's a lying bitch (sorry), I also know that it's a hell of a lot easier said than done moving on from her. You've spent 3 years building a life with this girl and have been smashed in the chest by her bombshell of (possible) infidelity. You can work through this, but ONLY if she's willing to do the same. She needs to realize how f***ed up her actions have been and be willing to change that.

[MorbidPrincess94]

Good answer.

[harveykinkle]

Yep! This times a million!

[queenbeth]

i would also like to add that she may not be the girl you think she is, I would say that you do seem to be very (if not overly) invested but this whole problem isn't JUST your fault. she has a part in making you feel like you need to do more and more for her, and for not loving you the way you needed to be loved. she also was wrong to cheat on you. if she felt that way about your relationship she should have been an adult and end it. at this point you need to change your thinking as stated above

[pikiriki]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree with some of them. I agree I need to change my thinking, and that every thought I have now is wrong.

I do recognise that I was not the perfect boyfriend, so am accepting my part of the blame for this. We have had very happy times together. We are taking some space apart now to calm down and evaluate things.

Before I make any decisions, if it is not to be over, what sort of change in thinking do I need? Would appreciate more examples. Thankyou

[Blobb]

I like this answer but I'd like to offer a distinction. "Almost all your instincts will be wrong at this point" -> is spot on. This means you're going to have to go against everything you think and feel to make it work. That is a tremendous effort.

The real question for you now is: Are you really willing to invest that much more effort into someone who clearly does not wish to invest back into you? (quoting: "keeping his number cause he's an open door"? She doesn't want to save sh*t with you.)

[Blobb]

Frankly, it's about what you're gonna do. I'm not gonna get in the debate about if she cheated on you, I'm pretty sure she did, but if it makes you feel better to think she didn't, well that's less pain to deal with.

She said the relationship was lacking passion, but she didn't propose fixing it. She's keeping the dude's number cause it's an open door. That clearly indicates that she's not willing to put any effort into fixing things, into the relationship and being with you.

You're the one with that idea.

IF you decide to go ahead, forgive the cheating and try to reignite the passion, you're going to have to act different. Act composed, calm, happy, secure and trust her. You'll be going against every impulse and instinct inside you, just to try and impress her and please her. She doesn't give a sh*t. She very clearly wants to keep you as a fallback for if that other guy doesn't work out.

That's a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge amount of work for someone who very obviously isn't worth much at all.

I'd suggest dumping her.

[Anonymous]

Ok sweety you sound like a really nice devoted guy something that she doesn't value. You should gave her space and not completely engulf her with love and all that. You need to make it seem like you don't need her and she'll come back after you, but then there's no chance she can stay.

I'd confront her and tell her I don't believe her bs about collecting thoughts in a hotel room and infact that is what she doing and where she was she would have told you in the first place.

Personally, I hate girls like that. They get what they want from guys, make them help them and everything and guys are really blinded by her beauty and I think you were. Go for a lesser-good looking chick and chances are she would be more loyal and stuff.

[Anonymous]

I've never heard of anyone getting a hotel room so they can "collect their thoughts". That seems fishy. You need to have a serious talk with her. Don't snoop anymore, and just sit her down and let her know that it makes you feel uneasy, and you have always trusted her and believed her, but this time you get a gut feeling about it. Maybe she'll come clean, maybe she won't.

But her saying, "It's an open door", well that means opportunity. So seems like she's having her cake and eating it too. In a relationship with you while she shops for someone else. Not cool.

It'll be really really tough, but you may need to end things. If you do it before her, that's even better so you don't look like the fool that got played by her.

[queenbeth]

i think now you need to back off from her because she does not deserve the love you have shown her. you should not feel like 'i hope we can work it out' you should feel guarded, like she needs to earn your trust back. of course you will love her but you cannot let yourself become a doormat. if you make it too easy for her now that she has made this mistake and broken your heart then you are setting the stage for the rest of the relationship. you need to establish that you deserve respect and she does not deserve for you to forgive her. stay strong. there are plenty of women (not girls) who will accept your love and affection and return that same care to you.

[Hazel63]

I know it hurts but let her go. Lying, on top of refusing to delete his number? She is staying in her comfort zone (with you) while she is exploring a new relationship with this guy. This is something no one should let themselves go through. A women who would be your wife would never do this. Don't waste your time and youth with a girl who has proven to be selfish, go out and look for someone who will treat you better. Someone who can be your partner and other half, not someone who becomes your entire world.

[Gawesome]

I think you were losing her for a while now...you settled into the relationship and there was no excitement and passion for her anymore. She was losing interest and doubts has kicked into her mind. You said she wished for a more passionate relationship. Big red flag right there. In woman-ese, that means she's given up and I'm not sure if you can really recover from that. She was bored of the relationship whereas you saw it as 'perfectly fine'.

Sunday was essentially the breaking point. That was the final straw. I'm sorry to say that I think the relationship has ran its course. Just because she apologize and said she 'loves' you...that means nothing. You have two choices. Either dump her because she's not EMOTIONALLY invested in the relationship any more or attempt to re-ignite the passion. The second option is a massive mountain to climb and I don't think it's worth it nor even possible.

[Electric_Dreams]

She got a a hotel room to collect her thoughts? No. No people get hotel rooms to do one of to things or both - to sleep and/or to fuc- k.

And yknow okay it's possible she got a hotel room with him and then changed her mind and did the right thing and didn't cheat. And maybe... To really go out on a limb, maybe she got the hotel room with the intentions of having a night alone/away because she's I don't know not sure about the relationship or whatever but that's really going out on a limb.

Most likely she got the hotel room with the guy. She got something to eat with him, and then spent a good while in a hotel room and she expects you to believe that she wasn't in the hotel room that she had just been on a date of sorts with? This is crazy.

Sounds like a cheater who just won't admit it to me.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

F*** her. Dump her cheating, lying ass immediately. Do not for one second take her bullsh*t. No one 'collects her thoughts' at a hotel.. The only thing she was collecting was a big load of come from this guy.

Don't be a cuckold. Send her packing. Delete her from your life (online and real) immediately.

[Prof_Don]

This girl frankly doesn't know what she wants. I would let this girl go, she definitely has some emotional baggage and you don't want to go through any more pain with this girl.

I think your #1 concern is that you're worried about not being able to find someone else, so you're desperate to hang on to this girl, although she clearly cheated.

If I were you, I'd breakup, because now I would never be able to trust her, even for simple things such as "going out to a restaurant", I would presume to be a lie.

That would be too stressful for me to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Yadda is completely right. This girl is taking you for a fool. No doubt she's been sn*****ing all this while at what she's been getting away with. This is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

Reading everything you've written, I can tell she's got you wrapped around her little finger. You sound like a good guy, but you've got to grow a backbone.

Perhaps if you'd been stern and asertive towards her from the beginning, this might not have happened. But you can't change the past.

I say bang her one last time (just to get her out of your system) and then dump her. Maybe tell her you've found someone better.

[Opinion Owner]

*snickering

[ImLostHere]

Ugh, sounds like she gained quite a bit of confidence recently. I kind of like Belgie's reply here. Basically you need to go on like nothing happened and you don't care. Let her come to you.

BTW - How do you track someone from your phone? That's awesome!

[HandsomeNishNob]

The anonymous user who said she f***ed the sh*t outta that guy in the hotel couldn't have said the truth anymore clearer than that. Actually everything he said is the truth, but you're in denial so you obviously won't listen to anyone who actually knows what's going on with you cheating ex girlfriend.

[loverlove123]

she was cheating on you now if she said that am sorry give her another change and when she does that again kick her out of your house she is a cheater pant

[winherback]

Just breakup with her. The damage has been done and trying to save something that's already gone is useless.

[Anonymous]

Ask her simply who she wants. If she says you, then take her back, but let her know that you will not stand for any of this again or you are out the door. If she says the other guy, pack your stuff and do not try to convince her to stay or reconsider. If she says she doesn't know, then go on a few dates and such. To see if you know it's what you want. Update me on how it goes. xo

[pixelpusher]

Oh wow I hope you move on with your life and find a nice girl who deserves you.

[asianfreak]

You should probably just leave her behind, looks like she's being dishonest with you.

[gemglam]

She is not to be trusted