I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. We have been living together for just over 2 years. At the start things moved very quickly, and we were soon very much in love. When I met her she was working in a kebab shop with little confidence, but I could see she was a diamond in the rough. She had experience in accounting, and eventually I helped her get an office job as an accountant. I was so proud of her, and we were so happy.
We know each others family, friends. We have a cat together. We've built a life together in our flat, and were recently talking and seriously considering buying a house together. Everything was looking like this was the right girl for me, and I could see myself married with kids with her. I have emotionally invested everything to this relationship. And in return I have gained happiness with life. Every part of my life now is somehow connected to her. She is a very supportive girlfriend.
Now we have had ups and downs in our relationship. She is a very stubborn girl, and get's angry and grumpy easily. We both have our faults, but I thought we had come to understand each other and accept our faults and love each other for the good things.
She's an attractive girl, and I understand she get's attention from guys. I can accept that, as I knew she loved me. There is a guy at the gym who has shown her attention, but she has told me she has fended him off and told him she's with me. This is a muscly guy, which I know she likes. I've put on 7kg of muscle since going out with her to get the body she wants. And I'm happy doing that for her.
Last week she told me she wished we had a more passionate relationship. I understood what she was saying, and I was researching it, and thinking about solutions and things we could do together to boost our spark again. Last weekend she was going to Paris with her female friend.
On Sunday she came back and I can see on my phone where she is. She obviously forgot that. I found it strange she didn't say she was back. I saw she was at McDonald's for a while, and then walked about a bit, went to a park then eventually was in a building for a long time. I found out this was a hotel, and text her. She lied to me and said she was at a restaurant with her friend. Later that evening I still hadn't heard from her and she was still at this place, then her phone went off. I was worried. I called her friend who said she hadn't seen her since the afternoon. I went on her Facebook and saw the guy had sent her a few pictures. I was devastated.
The next day she came back and I confronted her. She admitted it, but said they had just met for food, and she got the hotel to be alone and collect her thoughts. It sounds stupid, but I believe this. I was willing to forgive her for what she did. Then she said she wouldn't delete his number as it's "an open door". Now she has had a few days to think about it and has said sorry and she loves me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help!
Most Helpful Guy
You need to re-evaluate your relationship in light of what it actually is, and not the rosy colored fiction you thought it was.
First warning signs that you're doing this wrong -
"I have emotionally invested everything to this relationship."
"Every part of my life now is somehow connected to her."
Phrases like that don't belong in a healthy relationship. They are often used by kids who don't know any better, or young guys in their *first* relationship. It is usually a sign that you're going to turn into one of those clingy needy guys who simply can't live without her, and inevitably get dumped by her because she's looking for a man, not a parasite/lamprey who can only live with her by his side.
I was that guy in my first relationship too, so I remember what it was like. I thought that the key to success was to throw more and more of myself into the relationship - the more committed *I* was, the greater the chance of success. Well, that's horse-sh*t as I found out.
"Last week she told me she wished we had a more passionate relationship."
That should have been a warning sign, and not just something she said which gives you something to think about. By the time a girl gets around to saying something like that out loud, she's been feeling it for a while, and probably dropping hints which you've missed all over the place. Speaking it out loud is an act of finality for her. An act of last resort.
So what you have now, is a relationship that is in a rut - with a girl who feels there's no passion in your relationship. Some new guy made her feel an excitement which you don't make her feel anymore. Maybe she cheated on you (she probably did) but that doesn't mean things are necessarily over.
If they're over, you have to work out what you're going to learn from this - how being too involved in the relationship made her bored, sucked the passion and spontaneity out of your daily routine... and ultimately made her seek out the passion and novelty of another guy.
If it's not over, you have to work out how you can both fix this - how you make things exciting for her again. And that's not easy. Because at this stage, almost every instinct you will have for keeping the relationship alive, is 100% wrong. You will feel the urge to do more for her, when in fact you should do less. You will want to be with her more often (because you don't trust her or want to check up on her) when in fact what you should be doing is giving her space to miss you. I'd go so far as to say all your instincts will be wrong.
You need to act like a fun guy. Even act like a single guy. Someone who isn't tied down and boring and stuck in a routine. Maybe then you can find the passion, and she can see you're still the same guy she fell for originally.
But emotionally, start backing out of this - this probably isn't the girl you're going to buy a house with and marry. Or if she is, then it's much further down the line than you thought.
14THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
- Show AllShow Less