My husband left me and I don't understand his actions now. Is he just stringing me along or is his anger keeping him struggling?

My husband of 29 years left me suddenly almost 2 months ago after a stupid argument. I had no idea this was coming. Our marriage has never been perfect, we're very different. But I have always been madly in love with him. Anyway, I got the "I love you but am not in love with you anymore" and he left. This is where I get confused. At first he said he was done and wanted a divorce. Ok. Message received - I need to do something. Got into counseling for myself for those behaviors I am aware of that he probably doesn't like (not sure of them all because he always said he loved everything about me and would never discuss my faults, even just the week before he left). Then a couple of weeks after he left he said he wanted to go to counseling to see if we can repair our marriage but not to get my hopes up.
Trying to get to the point of my question - he comes over on Sundays to visit our daughter, requests that I am there also. The first Sunday he was distant but wanted sex. Yeah, I gave in. I just wanted to be with him. No affection in front of daughter - Progress to now - Still sex, sorry I miss him, but hugs and kisses in front of daughter as well as laying on the couch with me with his arms around me while watch a tv show with daughter. No I love you's but he did say he misses me. He still doesn't talk about our future but he gives me the third degree about where I've been, who I've been with, etc. Is he just trying to appease me and get sex or what? I would hope this man would not be affectionate like his in front of our 15 year old daughter if there wasn't some kind of hope in his mind. What do you think?

We are both now in individual and marriage counseling. He has not proceeded with divorce.
No we've been married 29 years. I didn't say he was 29. He's my age. I said my husband of 29 years - ie; married 29 years.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Please stop this cycle!!! Your daughter is watching how her mother reacts to this situation, she will grow up to think that it is ok that a man can treat a woman like shit and she will still love him and fuck him whenever he wants. He is using you for many things, he is using you for sex, because he knows if he can't get it that day somewhere else he has you. Also he still loves you of course, but he wants his fucking cake and to eat it too!!! He wants to keep you for himself, all while doing whatever the fuck he wants. If you tried to move on he would probably freak out and either threaten you, or cry like a lying bitch and beg you to take him back. I am a 30 year old woman, I know what I am talking about from experience. He will never be the man you deserve, you need to move on with your own life and set a positive example for your daughter. I know it will be very hard, but you will eventually be perfectly happy without his dumb ass and also you will be stronger and be a great example of a damn strong woman!!! There is only false hope for your situation, you may think its going to work and/or be ok, but that is a false reality and one day you will see it for what it is. I hope you get through this as soon as possible, I hate seeing woman waist their time with stupid ass losers!!! Don't forget to pray, and always remember that you do deserve to be treated right and to be able to say you are happy. Best of luck to you and I mean that. I answer this as anonymous only because I know many "men" will bash my "opinions".


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What Guys Said 2

  • If he really loved you he would not have walked out suddenly as he did. If you love someone, even if you are not "in love" with them, you do not leave them hanging out to dry. You may decide to separate, but you do it over a period of time to minimize problems to the whole family. And as for him suggesting counseling, what was your response? Did you try to get an appointment or did you let the idea just hang with no action?

    If he was distant, he should have had the respect to not want sex from you, and you should have not given in; not for just a Sunday visit when his daughter needs lots of the time.

    If he will go for counseling at this time, I suggest the two of you get hot and get into counseling. 29 years of marriage and a daughter make it worth the effort to fix!

  • I don't think he is using you, but more likely he isn't sure how to proceed from here. If he says he loves you, then that would imply the problem has been taken care of, and you clearly have more work to do.

    Have the two of you both been getting counseling, or is that still just an idea at this point? I think BOTH of you need counseling to resolve your issues. Your going alone is unlikely to be enough.

    Depending on what your problem is, one or both of you may also require medication to help your moods stay level, if a hormone imbalance is the cause of your problems. Such as if it is causing additional stress and fights.


What Girls Said 4

  • I'm really sorry you're going through this. I've been with my boyfriend for only 4 years... but we have a shorter history together in hs...but same... says he's not the best for me and I deserve so much better... and that we don't really get along a lot...but still shows me affection and says he loves me and he'll prolly never find anyone who gives me everything like I do.

    I've had an epiphany after not sleeping for 2 days and eating for 4. My case is that I was mistreating him by accusing him, talking to him when he states he's tired after a long day, down-talk our relationship due to false insecurities, don't clean or do his laundry nearly as much, and don't show him attention.

    You should evaluate your love life... acknowledge... to yourself AND him what you've been doing that is making him unhappy.
    Relationships take 2 people to work on things and sometimes the person is leaving because the other doesn't realize the mistakes they make.

    You need to be confident.

    Give him space, but be careful not to ignore him... Take interest... true interest in what's going on in his life. Hit the gym. Become irresistible.

    I know you are married and comfortable... but try to spruce things up a bit... if you dont... like for me I spend the night at my bf's a lot... I have really pretty eyes... but bad eyebrows... so I go to bed with my eyebrows still done up with the slightest amount of eyemakeup... usually just a light brown eyeshadow lining my upper eye lid...just be sexy.

    Don't nag him or bring up the break-up/divorce. Just have fun with him and tell him how much you love him (not all the time...but when it seems appropriate).

  • he just wants sex and doesn't want another man coming into the picture and eventually becoming a family with you, he doesn't want a relationship.

    stop giving him sex, it makes you his doormatt. the only reason he hasn't tried to divorce you is because then you would be free to marry someone else in the future

    my dad did the exact same thing and had a new girlfriend on the side 5 months later whilst still telling my mum he missed her and that he wanted her there when he came to see me and my brothers. he just didn't want her seeing anyone else so he grilled her about who she was talking to etc like a possessive boyfriend would and got mad at her if someone flirted with her

  • He's 29 and has a 15 year old kid? You're over 45? This means that at some point you had sex with a 14 year old.

    I think the reason this is happening is because he's 29, is married to someone over 45 and has a 15 year old daughter. The entire situation just sounds very overwhelming to me. I'm sorry it's happening to you, of course, but yeah. I think he just needs to get away and assess the situation he's found himself in.

    • she means he has been her husband for 29 years not that he is 29 years old

    • Ah. Misread. Sorry.

  • He's a manipulator. He only wanted sex. Brush yourself off and try again.. You fcked up by giving into him. Don't beat yourself up though, we've all been "there" before. Break it off and find a person you truly love..