Not sure how to deal with my boyfriend's trashy family?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend joined the military and left home at 18. He was in the military for 10 years, and in the process gained a lot of work and life experience, and became very worldly. He is largely self-taught and reads extensively to try and better himself. He is a successful professional and supervises a team of over 50 people.

His family doesn't care about education. Most of them have menial jobs. His father and brother have been convicted of poaching. His sister is divorcing her third husband and already has two grandchildren at 42. His uncle has been convicted on weapons charges.

He is very self-conscious about his roots, but at the same time chose to return to his hometown after leaving the military, even though his family is here. Most of his own friends are engineers or other professionals, as is my family.

I feel uncomfortable with his family and I know he knows it, which only makes him more insecure. I would like to have a good relationship with them for his sake, but we have nothing in common. I also don't understand their values or life choices. I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 39.

Updates

+1 y

His family does tend to such him into their drama (sister break-up, legal problems). Also, my bf's job requires a government security clearance and is very demanding. I don't want him dragged into this stuff.

[Bekahdewolf]

If you dont have common ground with him than that wouldn't work out very well to begin with and yes they maybe as you like to call trashy but theyre still his family and important and as aweful and low opinion you have of them they are important enough to him to go back. Figure out how to get along or say sayanara to anything with him. Yes he maybe ashamed but he was something good that came from them by showing him what not to do so dont try to put a wedge just be supportive but make it clear your comfort level. Being willing to try and treat people like what they are people will actually benefit you as a person in the long run and cause you to grow. Try not looking down on differences and accept them but you dont have to necessarily like them. Make the best of it.

[Asker]

They take so much out of him with their dramas and legal problems. I worry about his sanity.

[Bekahdewolf]

Be supportive and love him thats all he needs from you

[Wonderer89]

Why are you being so judgmental of them? Just because he wants a relationship with them doesn't mean their lifestyle is going to "rub off" on him. They aren't going to infect you with their lack of education or differing values.
You're only looking at the negatives and the fact you're judgement is made obvious enough to your partner for him to feel insecure is so sad.
Focus on their good traits - what hobbies or interests they have or take an interest in their jobs no matter how menial it may seem to you. Kindness and compassion will go a long way to you appearing relatable as well

[AthleticMom]

Sorry but you get no votes until married, until then you are just as family on the pecking order as them! Until God decides where to place him next, you can only smile and be gracious while he wallows in his memories and family ties. Someday he will be tempted to a better job elsewhere and if one of you will pop the question, then perhaps this union will become more important to preserve and move there than being a crutch to those that accept drama instead of work, did not have the opportunities you both got.

[Anonymous]

Oh shit so i was military, less time than your boyfriend but same shit. My family are criminals, one is even doing time for murder. If he hangs around he will get pulled into that stuff.
I dont talk to a single family member, not even on Christmas. You guys need to saddle up and move a thousand Miles away

[Opinion Owner]

That being said.. Poaching ain't shit, weapons charges aren't hard to come by. I feel ya but they aren't out there poachin humans

[Opinion Owner]

Ultimatum! They go or you do.

[Asker]

Weapons charges here in Canada are a big deal

[Opinion Owner]

Yea no shit they are a "big deal" every where. Some places a knife too big is a weapons violation.
Not actually a big deal.

[ArrowheadSW]

I am thinking maybe set boundaries such as limit the number of times a month that YOU have to deal with them or see them, etc. Just a thought. I imagine it is hard on you. I am wondering why he is so compelled to be back in his home town?

[CluelessBUTTERFLY]

Well all your doing is judging as long as they dont mess with you or be mean to you just be normal i guess find somthin to talk about... you kind of have to tolerate them let people be and dnt give your boyfriend shit about it... he already knows all about them... just be there for him he's what matters..

[writing_essays]

You either learn to respect your boyfriend and his family or you end the relationship. I would not tolerate somebody speaking this way about my family. If they did I would block their number and / file harassment charges against them. You are lucky he doesn't know how awful you are.

[Chanel1981]

Does it bother you enough to end it with him? At the end of the day they are his family and aren't going anywhere.

[SarahsSummer]

You need to find commonality with them, even if the only thing in common is your boyfriend. It's not like you have to live with them though.

[fauchelevent]

Meh, just don't deal with them, be polite but I don't see why there's any reason to force yourself into a friendship with them.

[zombiebabe]

you gotta accept his family

[Anonymous]

Just be polite as you shouldn't make him chose