Why I Don't Think Cheating is a Completely Terrible Thing...

[Avallach]

In my mind, cheating is considered to be a situation when a partner is close to some extent not only to one person. Keeping that in mind, I am thinking - how is that supposed to be a betrayal, how is it supposed to affect the relationship negatively? There is the answer - it is often impossible for a person to give the same amount of attention to the partner if he or she became close with another one. It also gives the person who is cheated on hope and great time, but by cheating this hope slowly dies and there is less great time between the two and less passion in sexual life. Thus, this hurts the person who is cheated on. However, it mustnt be always true that there is less attention and passion given. This way usual break-ups must be considered as cheating as it hurts the person who is dumped much much worse.

What is the real reason? I came to a conclusion that it is unconsciously considering your partner a property of yours, childish behavior "I want everything from you, you are mine and no one else's, YOU ARE MY TOY". If your partner cheats on you, it is an insult for you, but it does not hurt you in the first place, it hurts mostly your ego. You are being complimented by attention, you feel significant, it is a super ego boost. If you never find out about cheating and there is no effect on your relationship, everything will be fine as the ego is satisfied. BUT IF you get to know about this, cheating is bloody betrayal and "I am breaking up with you" and all that shit. However, the relationship should have stayed healthy until the break-up.

That's why close friends and lovers become distant. Because of the freaking ego. People who love each other and have one of the best relationships in their life become rival to each other because one of them thought he/she was his/her property and only he/she could own the partner, otherwise they consider it as a betrayal. Pride, self-esteem and all that shit prevent people from passion slowly dying away with mutual respect and friendship if one of them finds better love or accepting temporary interest in someone. Instead, there are lots of single poor girls and guys with broken hearts. And there are even more couples controlling each other not to have any freaking contact with the opposite sex which is a shitty relationship, to say the least.

This convinces me even more that most of us are just grown up kids. Childish behavior is never accepted in healthy society as this affects other people negatively, we learn to limit our ego all life not to hurt other people. It's time this approach to be applied in private life.

I am looking forward to someone who will reassure me that cheating is a complete horror.

[Krokodyl]

I don't think it is realy childish behaviour. It is just how we are programmed, how our society works. You are supposed to be with your so so you can take care and raise your children, that is what mother nature says. And our society has been like this for a long time thanks to marriage that comes from Christianity so we are even today raised with those values. But for example in Islam polygamy is OK. And you live in modern society where agreed upon polygamy between partners exist or something like open relationship or when in relationship things go stale some people to this temporary break. Those are solutions that works in similar way but are agreed upon. But tradition way of relationship is from natural and historical point of view that classic you are mine and I am yours where honor or how to call it is expected. So yeah don't be surprised if cheating your so will hurt. And the cause of cheating in my opinion - well first love will fade away a bit and sex become boring simple.

[Avallach]

Thats what I thought about firstly but somewhat didn't mention it and quickly forgot about it bc nowadays for someone who already has access to Internet which means certain level of possibilities given. That level enables us not to stick tightly together no matter what because of responsibility for children.
I agree with everyone here as I make assumptions mostly based on my feeling of the situation and I am completely sure that I will want to control my SO life and have negative feelings if I am cheated on. The task for us all is to shut down negativity in ourselves to follow a happy life...

[Avallach]

I meant responsibility for future children.
If one of the two who have children cheats, there is s possibility for the couple to break up and destroy children's lives
Cheating when having children is being an irresponsible asshole

[Astria]

If someone wanted someone else, I'd just let them go instantly. I don't want to be with anyone that isn't satisfied with me in every way. That includes watching porn as well.

With a romantic relationship there will always be a personal attachment (ego). Imagine financially supporting the girl you love but she is secretly getting screwed by another man and loving it, maybe even has a baby with some other guy and pretends it's yours. Would you actually say oh well, it's just my ego that's hurt?

I'm not judging you, it's a good topic that I've thought a lot about. I've come to the conclusion that romantic love can't be agape love. Anytime there is sex and romance involved, there is ego involved.

[Avallach]

Let me describe a possible attitude before relations
"I am giving attention and affection because I truly like the person and focus on that and if the feelings are mutual then we are happy. We don't owe anything to each other, we just do what we feel is right in relations. I am not going to check out each minute if my SO contacts an opposite sex person because the main thing is our hapiness not a social bound where we consider ourselves a biologic couple and we owe together to show attention to each other only".
And when one of us becomes too close to someone else there are trust issues only if he/she is not being honest about that.
When there's not enough feedback to me in the realtionship so emotional energy I give starts to run out or I find it simply insufficient for a close relationship I give it up and we stay friends/good acquaintances.
I described what I think is a relationship based on happiness, not commitment and social bounds.
Do you think it is a possible and good attitude

[Philyouup]

This kid never had a serious relationship... he's deluded by what he think he knows..

[Astria]

So basically you are saying you want an open relationship with someone until you find someone you like better. I guess that's fine but ONLY if she wants the same and you don't mind being traded in for a better model when you have no other prospects and are still attached to her.

[Astria]

@Philyouup

There might be girls into open relationships. He can't expect any sort of loyalty or love though. It will be a friends with benefits relationship.

[LuckyEnough]

You're "better" description here, points out the flaw. You mention happiness including honesty,

"when one of us becomes too close to someone else there are trust issues only if he/she is not being honest about that." Cheating is not honest. It's sneaking. Open relationships, sharing or swapping ones, they are honest, still getting their strange on, and not cheating.

[OlderAndWiser]

TSDR (too stupid; didn't read)

"He jests at scars that never felt a wound." Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2

[lumos]

Wow this was really incoherent, you never actually made it clear why cheating supposedly isn't that bad in the first place. And I don't see why or how someone's ego taking a hit is childish. What's childish is assuming that your actions have no consequences. It's also childish to not be able to see how justified it is to be hurt when someone breaks a promise, and in this case, a promise of monogamy.
Literally the entire point of being in a monogamous relationship is that your partner is yours, and that you are theirs. So it's not exactly shocking that you expect them to give you a certain amount of attention they wouldn't give anyone else, and to return the favor by doing the same to them. It's not childish, you're not treating your partner as a toy, you just expect a level of trust, respect and love because that's what you either consciously or subconsciously agreed on when you decided to get into a monogamous relationship. And if that's something that you or anyone else can't handle, then you shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship in the first place.
Of course it hurts your ego and your pride when someone cheats on you. You're getting slapped across the face with feelings of not being good enough for them, and them not respecting you enough to want to openly talk about any of the issues you might be going through as a couple. But instead, they thought the best solution was to go behind your back and break the promise they made of being faithful. It's not at all childish to expect faithfulness when that's literally the number 1 priority in a *monogamous* relationship.
There are consequences to all actions. You can't expect people to just shrug at everything you do. People are allowed to cut off contact and break up with people they cannot trust, who are toxic and disrespecting the core aspects of being a friend or partner. And at that point it's not even about the ego, it's about having a limit to how much bullshit you can take from other people and having enough backbone to say "enough".

[Astoriana]

^^^^

[prick23]

that was too good

[dipta]

To each their own, just as long as you state upfront what your morals are and what you believe in.

But lets compare a romantic relationship to a business one; say I interviewed you, thought you looked decent and hired you to work at my company. It's a full-time job with overtime needed here and there and we also have a no second job policy.
A few months later, I find out you've not only been stealing some office supplies, in the days you call in sick you're actually working for a rival company and share info you should not be sharing.
Now if I fire you, most probably sue you and don't ever wanna see you set foot in my office again, is that because of my big ego? Is that because I'm childish and feel like you're my property?

[Avallach]

Cheating is not about making intentional harm like stealing and giving private info. To me it is just working for a rival company (rival to you only)
The question is, would you keep such an employee if they still do their job well or as a consultant if they physically cannot work for both companies and dont do their job that well?

[dipta]

In the very unlikely event that this person is actually such a valuable employee and showed interest in staying with the company, I'd have to reconsider any prior conversations regarding job insatisfaction, complaints about the sallary, the circumstances where he was found out, the pinch we would be in without such employee, etc.
However, a breach of contract is a breach of contract. Allowing a 'rotten apple' to not only continue working with no repercussions but even promoting him to consultant level would set a very, very bad example to the other employees. Not to mention this person would now have the upperhand and feel like they can blackmail me in the future as well and not follow the rules.
I think at most we would work out a transition arrangement, but it wouldn't work out on a long term basis.

[dipta]

Additionally, as someone who was persuaded to stay in the job with promotions and the like, I can say that once the person has made the decision of leaving once, they will never have the same level of commitment again and it's just delaying the inevitable.

[Astoriana]

If you want to “cheat” without consequences, find someone who’s into polyamory.

Otherwise, it’s wrong to cheat. It’s not because of bruised egos either. It’s a fundamental violation of trust in another person to step out on your relationship. If there’s no trust, you don’t have a relationship.

[Markasaurous]

Totally agree!

[Max_winner1]

I disagree. Find a woman like astoriana make her think she loves you and then cheat on her just for a funny reaction. 🤣

[Astoriana]

@Max_winner1 the last man who cheated on me did not survive

[Max_winner1]

Well that's ok because the survival rate for male's suffering from female penis decapitation are very low. They tend to bleed out...

But I see your point.

[Astoriana]

@Max_winner1 oh, I didn’t touch him. My family took care of it.

Never piss off a Sicilian father.

[Max_winner1]

Astoriana what happens if you cheat on him?

[Astoriana]

@Max_winner1 what makes you so sure that I would?

Rather low opinion of me, even for a bitter old hater.

[Max_winner1]

It is just a simple question but you lack common sense to answer such a thing. You are willing to ditch out the hate for cheaters with murder but can't take a hit when you are on the recieving end and that tells me you are a little stuck up princess who has never worked for dime in her life who still is suckling on daddies big fat tits.

[Astoriana]

@Max_winner1 a ditch is a groove in the earth. I think you mean “dish”. As in, to serve.

Secondly, my uncles are the ones with the power. Better be careful that you don’t insult me too much. You might meet with an unfortunate end yourself. Can’t possibly be expected or proven though.

[Max_winner1]

Yawn. Your threats lack teeth. You're demeanor is that of a pouty child who can't fight her own battles but would be more than willing to have your murderous uncles commit murder to settle a deed. I wonder if the authorities would be willing to question your uncle's now that you pretty much stated that they murdered your cheating boyfriend. Who else have they killed? I'm sure they would love to know. Killers don't just kill once but kill multiple times. Tread lightly the internet is not a hidding place for little girls who boast about their hit men uncles.

[Astoriana]

@Max_winner1 oh the best part is that you actually fucking fell for it

[Max_winner1]

🤬🤪

[Nivinxus]

The way you defined cheating isn't exactly the same as how other people define cheating. Because of that and that alone, this take falls flat in a sense where people won't necessarily agree with you.

To many cheating is a betrayal of trust, not of bruised egos or that bullshit. When you betray that trust, what makes you think that other people can trust you with anything at all? I wouldn't, in fact, I would, as you eloquently put, dump them in the trashcan and forget about them entirely. Trust is something that is strong but brittle, break it and it is so difficult to repair it.

[Avallach]

You are right
It is considered to be horrible in society to cheat so if I am cheated on then I know I cannot trust them. Apart from that there must be no disgust in the person. If I do have something negative to the person that would be my damaged pride
Is that true?

[Philyouup]

Um.. never heard a case for justifying a lack of ethics and respect, stated so confidently. Its still bullshit. if you cheat on a person that you have a "commitment" with, your a shit. Period. The pain and heart break is horrible and to inflict that is selfish and self serving.. Have balls and break up with your lover before you step out. Give them the choice to put up with you lack of ethical foundation rather than force it on them.. Sorry, if you value trust and commitments you don't cheat.. Any argument for Cheating is just justifying your weak constitution.

[Avallach]

I explained in comments I dont justify cheating but try to point out our negative unconscious attitude toward it.
My lack of attention and prediction led to so much righteous rage, heh)

[Philyouup]

The attitude is Negative because cheating is a negative thing. It is harmful to the victim, and harmful to the family, there are no positive or LESS negative positions to take.

[Anonymous]

a person cheats because they don't feel fulfilled and happy in the relationship.
So they have a couple of options:
-break up and then start a new relationship
-cheat
The cheat because it's too painful for them to breakup the relationship so they hope that if they cheat then the other person will get the idea and they won't have to say so much.

also instead of cheating there is another option if they want to work on the relationship... that is they go and get their "fix" of happiness in a nonsexual way... such as a new hobby or something. Then they can be happy and bring more happiness in the relationship. Obviously cheating shows that sex is the only thing that makes them happy.

Oh if sex is the only thing and they are ok with porn, porn is better than cheating.

[bente2]

Yeah... cheating is definitely betrayal. If you’re an exclusive couple and you actively make the decision to break the rules you’ve set together, that’s a form of betrayal.

I think cheating can be classified into two categories:
-“cheaters with a reason”: the ones that were desperately trying to escape the relationship but couldn’t somehow. They often search for something their partner did not have.
-“cheaters without a reason”: these are the assholes that just cheat because they want to, have no regard for their partners feelings and don’t care about their relationship at all.

The first one hurts more than the second one, I can tell you that.

[Lovvyyy]

I'll answer how wrong you are in a very simple way. This is crime apology.
You are not willing to be faithful to one single partner? Awesome. Find a partner that is okay with you sleeping around with other people. It's called cheating because you are doing something that you know to be wrong without the person damaged knowing it.
Yes. Damaged. Do you know how much painful it is to believe that you are the most important person for another human being, just to discover that he or she was lying about it to you?

[Philyouup]

I was hurt deeply by a cheater. My wife of 17 years... Cheated on me with my friend. Devastated me, I was truly in love, then to be treated so disrespectfully and coldly... To this day I still feel I will never trust, or feel loved or love back. My wife was my world, my family my universe. My heart would still have been broken, but Had she just said, I don't love you, I want a divorce!, I would have at least respected her decision and not feel betrayed.. The Cheating shattered me.

[Marinepilot]

@Philyouup Cheaters are the scum of the Earth.

[kespethdude]

@Marinepilot Second to child molesters, that is.

[yucychan]

I don't buy your crap.
So what is your conclusion?
That everyone should start cheating from now on?
If that is your stance, please pass this info to your parents, citing your beliefs and highly encourage them to start cheating on one another.

[Avallach]

The conclusion is that bc of our pride we ruin relationships, the take is not about cheating itself but our negative attitude towards which leads to nothing
On one hand we have "I dont want be seconde to no one", " He/she is only mine", on the other hand we have a good relationship, ruining which gives only negative feeelings to both sides. Pride or respect and benefits of staying friends (if the reason is that your partner loves another person) or lovers (if it was just a temporary interest he/she couldnt resist and you are better for each other in each aspect)
What would you choose and why?

[yucychan]

I have to re-read your question to understand what you are trying to say.
And I'll say this, I'm selfish, I'm a very selfish human being. If I love that guy, I would expect him to stay loyal to me, ONLY. There are no compromises, no exceptions. Likewise, I would do the same for him. If he cheats on me, I would ensure that I'll be his living hell and nightmare, where he'll regret the day he met me.
You can say I've a negative attitude. Yes, I will agree. I have a very unforgiving nature when it comes to cheating. I despise cheaters and their lies, for treating the other party like a retard for believing in their crappy lies.
If my guy happens to fall in love with another, then just admit it, and break off the relationship with me. Its only fair for everyone, me, him and the other girl. I would never ever, ever allow myself to be belittled and continue to stay in a relationship where the guy is cheating on me.
That answers your question?

[CubsterShura]

Cheating destroys trust.
It is disrespectful.
It is dishdishonest.

Seriously, if he likes another woman he can let me know and I would let him go with no grudges. Nothing wrong with wanting someone else. But why cheat?

[AppDee1]

What if he lets you know prior to cheating and he does not want you to leave but he wants to have both of you

[CubsterShura]

@AppDee1 I'd still leave that guy.

[AppDee1]

Note he didn't cheat

[CubsterShura]

@AppDee1 yeah but the fact is, he wouldn't have fallen for another woman if he was in love with me. And don't even get me with the 4 wives thing, a very small percentage of men can actually afford polygamy.

[AppDee1]

I didn't mention the 4 wives thing. I know you are intelligent and you are already aware of that

[AppDee1]

He may have fallen in love with another woman while he still loves you cause one can love two persons just not equally

[CubsterShura]

@AppDee1 here is the fact then he has to treat his wives equally with no bias or whatsoever. And among all polygamous men that I have come across I know only ONE man who can actually do that. Believe me, bias in polygamous relationship just destroys lives of more than one women at a time.

[AppDee1]

I agree with you

[Pink1996]

You don't know what cheating really is thats why you've shaped such a groundless opinion. You know what they say ignorance is bliss, well, until reality hits you in the face.
Why don't you go ahead and google the word "cheating" and read all its definitions then come back.
Oh and by the way, if a person is constantly seeking affection from someone else rather than their partner then by no means is the relationship healthy.

[Avallach]

You got me :)
I didn't define cheating and didn't actually want to because I thought I knew what it is perfectly
I am not saying the relationship must be healthy in case of seeking other's attention (which is not always true), I am telling that our attitude to it is extremely negative.
You break up with someone, stay friends because you initially had mutual interests, but some day you figure out he cheated on you. It is likely for you to start being rival with such a friend. That I find unhealthy - switching respect and a good relationship for pride

[Idontknow092]

I do agree with you that no one can or should claim their partner as his/her property since we are human beings and i agree that controlling behaviour is bad in a relationship. Though it is also not a good thing to cheat if you are in a committed relationship with one person that trusts and loves you. Its the same as lying to them or not fulfilling responsibilities. It looks to me like you are trying to justify the act of cheating itself and thats okay, thats your opinion but i would like to see how far you will get with this philosophy without feeling like an asshole in the end.

[Avallach]

So your point is if even the attention, affection and mutual friendship stays the same but the cheater is a liar and that what makes him/her a disgusting and untrustworthy person?

[Idontknow092]

That's how i see it, yes. People who cheat are from my experience not a person you should trust.
What you are saying is that the person who got betrayed should not be upset by this act.
I really hope that one day the girl you really love will cheat on you just so you can see how this feels and then i want to see if you still think this way.

[Avallach]

I am sure as hell I will feel bad if I make unconscious assumptions, otherwise if know that it is just about my affection I give, and if I receive one I will be happy. It is not about any expectations that this person owes me shit

[Username678]

For the love of god. If you think that cheating is ok then you are a polygamist. Just be with multiple partners if your sexuality is that high

But CHEATING in itself while being in a relationship with someone and having their trust broken is effed up.
Mid it wasn’t you wouldn’t have had a need to make this Take in a first place.
You betray your SO. How is that ok

[Avallach]

I appreciate your opinion, but there is still one question. How would you treat a person that cheated on you afterwards?

[Angelina25]

If i don't want to dramatize anything, I'd just ignore and cut off all ties. That's it.

[Username678]

Just like Angelina said.
What else did you expect? You ask it as if you almost feel comfortable with cheating since your partner will take you back.

Cheating behind someone ‘s back also has its consequences-emotional and sexual detachment.

Cheating and expecting to be taken back is a f**** abuse of a person.

[Avallach]

Well, I have to agree with you that since cheating is considered to be abusive the person just can't ignore that and thus insults you. When I thought about that I didn't take this into consideration. Thank you for enlightening me to some extent :)
What I am really want to confirm is whether a harsh break up and controlling each other's private lives comes from a harm to ego which I suppose is so.
Let's say you buy paper from someone for manifacturing something. You have a very reliable seller, you ve done business with them for 5 years, the buyer would comfort you in many ways (make discounts etc) bc you are the only buyer in the area. You would mark them as your own "private" seller as there are bounds of reliability and respect between you, you cannot do business without each other.
[continuation down here]

[Avallach]

Do you feel you have a right to consider the seller as your own dear reliable business partner that cannot do business with anyone else for the reason that you gave them your trust and they did too?

[Marinepilot]

After I beat her ass to a pulp, I'd find a revenge company and ruin her sorry ass.

[Marinepilot]

They're ass would be so kicked. This is the one time it's justified for a man
to hit a woman. And vice versa.

[Jmcmanning]

I've been married and never thought my partner was mine - he was my other half and we shared. He cheated, I was hurt because he lied and sneaked around doing it. My ego wasn't hurt. I expect complete trust and communication in a relationship and he didn't do this. He broke my trust. Cheating is not the worse thing in this world but it disrepects your partner who counts on you for emotional support and working together as a team.

[Philyouup]

Key Word is Partner! Other Half.. And when you cheat on your Partner, not only are you cheating on them, you are cheating on your KIDs and Family... It disrespects your kids and your spouse and shows the value you have on your family..

[Ripper_E]

It's not about the ego. When you form a relationship with someone, you are committing to that one person, to a relationship of intimacy, passion, and romance. To like someone, to be in love, is to be vulnerable. It is a weakness that people both cherish and hate because it leaves you open to be hurt, so when you open yourself up, your mind, your emotions to another person and they betray that, THAT is why they are hurt, not their ego.

There is nothing wrong with one or either having sex with someone else or having fun with someone else, so long as it is all consensual. If you want to have an open relationship or if you want to strictly allow them to see other people, that is your decision and that's okay. It is not okay to betray someone's trust. Some enjoy the eroticism of cheating, the taboo, how wrong it is, and so they cheat because they are turned on being with someone who is not their SO, but it's selfish.

[Anonymous]

You have said some really interesting point!! but compared to other people I put importance into loyalty, not because that person is my property and I own them. But being loyal to each other is an idea that I am attracted to. I find self control and loyalty as an attractive personality trait.

I think it's mostly because if there is one I value that one person more. (not saying that others won't be able to value all their lovers equally) It's just i'm physically attracted to a relationship with those traits.

If someone wants to have more than one partner they are free to do so, I don't hate on that because it's what they like.

[coralee]

I don't think cheating is the worst thing a person can do, but I don't have respect for people who do it either. This isn't the 1800s if you want to have sex with other people break-up with your partner and go have sex with as many people as you want. If you still like the idea of relationship go for a poly or an open relationship where all parties are aware and consenting. There is no excuse for it in this day and age.

[Edanurus]

That's a terrible excuse.

Its a betrayal of that persons trust. If your in an open relationship and your both ok with it then fine, but thats not cheating. Its cheating when the other persons unaware of the situation, and then it becomes deceitful, selfish and apathetic. If you agree to be in an exclusive relationship then you are saying 'I won't be with anyone else', if you can't backup your words with actions then you shouldn't be saying it.

In my opinion it doesn't matter the reason for cheating, there was always a better way to handle the situation.

[Cryostatic]

Yeah, that's pretty much my view on the whole thing.

Not that I approve of cheating at all, but I'd rather not know about it if it happens and it's a one-off sort of thing and was done safely. My ego would demand that the relationship be destroyed over it, and that level of upheaval in my life is something I've been through too many times already.