Be yourself, everyone else is already taken!

I want to be more.
I want to be more.

I get this question from guys all the time. I can't just be myself because I am not worthy of anybody's love or attention. Being yourself really only "works" on women if you are actually confident in your personality. This is critical to dating and finding a relationship, but more importantly, it's critical to your happiness in general. If you are not confident in the value of your own personality, you have a larger problem than being nervous around women. So, let's go ahead and address that right now.


The truth is, you really have a lot of choices when you decide which attributes you have that define who you are. You really do get to choose. If you decide that there are certain things about yourself that you like and decide to make that a defining characteristic of "who you are", then that attribute is much more deeply rooted than your other, peripheral attributes. The same goes for those attributes that you don't like or think are negative.

You are who you want to be.
You are who you want to be.


Think about it this way... have you noticed that it's a lot harder for someone to get out of a depressed period in his life if he feels like depression defines who he is? It makes sense that this would be the case, since the belief that you can't change prevents you from ever even making a solid effort.
The same goes for confidence, skills with women, happiness, or whatever other aspect of your personality that you have. If you believe that not having confidence is part of who you are, you are doomed from the beginning.


When I mention things to my clients like "just be yourself", I'm talking specifically about the positive attributes that you see in yourself that you feel identify you as an individual. That could be anything from your humor to your "laid back happy" attitude, your intelligence, your persistence, your thoughtfulness and the list goes on.

I am specifically NOT TALKING about the things that you don't like about yourself or some made up theory of who you actually are in that cranium of yours.

Change your thoughts ...Change your life.
Change your thoughts ...Change your life.


Why is that? Because it's not useful to define yourself by behaviors you have that you feel are negative. If you want to be confident in who you are and who you want to be, you need to actually think of your personality as something worth having.


This does NOT mean that you can't or shouldn't change those behaviors that you feel negatively impact your life. You absolutely should!


Try this exercise.... make a list of all of the things you like about your personality. Don't think about why you like those things, just write them down. Decide today that those are going to be the qualities that define you as an individual. Not depression, or loneliness, or being bad with women, or getting nervous, or any other BS crap that you want to change. Just forget about all that for now it's not important.

The exercise is really powerful.
The exercise is really powerful.

Now it's up to you to nurture and expand those qualities of your personality that you like. If you feel like you are a funny guy, then be involved in humor. Read funny books, watch funny movies, listen to funny comedians, take a stand up comedy class, whatever, just make it part of your daily activities and routine. If you feel like you are intelligent, then do some crosswords... be well read, and exercise your mind. I read two books a week through MentorBox.

It doesn't matter what personality trait you would like to have in your personality arsenal....what's important is that you find a way to intentionally incorporate it into your daily life with some sort of activity. And really get passionate about it! For most people change is just too difficult...but the hope of change is always an easier pill to swallow. Take action on yourself. Only you can improve YOU!

Coach T Anthony


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Most Helpful Girls

  • Í used to be so lost by this statement and quote to..
    "Be yourself" But what if my self is crazy, what if i don't like my self, what if my self is a horrible person.

    Don't be yourself.. be your best self..
    meaning, you must improve yourself each day for what you feel comfortable with.. so don't ever be yourself... be yourself that you feel safest and most comfortable with.. me your best self

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  • Love it!
    We can be so hard on ourselves especially when suffering mentally.
    But when you’re forced there are positive things in us all & many of what we dislike we have the control to change & improve.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • I think a great take! Got the right positive spirit.
    One of the best mentalities I learned was "don't give a F". It opens one up to be who you are. There is a true self and the one the world crushed. Find that true self, and then be masculine and not apologize for it. That's the right direction!

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  • Good take!

    God made each and every one of us who we are, it does not make sense to try to be someone else, and I have ran into so many fake people I have basically made it my personal mission to try to be as honest as possible, not to mention that it was expected of a knight to be honest.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Good advice. And there really is someone out there for everyone (you may have to be geographically flexible, though).

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  • Be yourself is TOTAL HORSE-crap.

    Women endlessly demand for guys to impress them and keep them interested. Being yourself would stop you from performing for them then you will hear the "Oh I lost feelings for him" line.

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    • Wow okay dude!

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    • Well, there are a lot of waves of guys whom agree. Probably more than not. A good example of some we can't ask are the 78% ratio of suicided guys who did it because they could not cope with the endless "gotta be this, gotta do that".
      Look anyway. Look at dating advice for example. 99% of articles for guys are telling them to do this and do that.
      Or you can go to a dating site and read the guys profiles. They are are like salesman trying to earn someone and then go look at the women whom are like "blah blah, you must be this and this or never talk to me!"

      It's everywhere.

    • LOL okay man... best of luck to you.

  • Here's the thing, people tell me to be myself, but when I do, they go "I didn't mean like that"!

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  • Some peoples will hate you no matter what you are. Even if you’re the nicest man ever lmao. Just be polite and treat the others the way you want to be treated, but never lick someone else’s ass or create a personality to be loved

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  • who asks a 48 year old bald fat man with the nickname of "coach" online for dating advice. i dont think you dated or gotten a women in decades.

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  • In the past, I was not. I am happy to say I am me, awkward as h***.

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  • if people are nice an no how, to not be rude then do so an people will like you but if you can't they will hate , you so be rude to the jerks an nice to nice people an work on what in your life makes all us a better kinder

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  • Yep. You're getting better at this.

    And go here and read: www.theartofmanliness.com

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  • l am still looking for my dream girl l will never ever give up looking

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  • I used to be myself that didn't work. So then i became someone else, that didn't work. So now i'm just like, whatever. I just try to keep my expectations of humanity as low as possible.

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  • Personality doesn't matter, only looks and money get you laid in the end.

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    • That isn't even close to being true. So with no money and looks nobody can get laid? Nobody? Not even me? I am not good looking nor have money but I do really well... really well so I guess I am just the exception huh?

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    • Okay thanks for the comments.

    • Don't mention it... Coach!

  • As always. I actually read yours. And they are always great insight!

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  • The thing is, trying to be someone you are not is going to exhaust you, and you can't keep it up forever.

    People will like or dislike you regardless... but there are your kind of people everywhere. People you gravitate to. The people you want in your life and vice versa.
    Changing who you are to suit someone else, that is the wrong person for you.

    I used to date someone who was the most awkward, shy, emotionally unavailable, introverted guy I had ever met, but I adored him.
    He had flaws, but we all do. His flaws were part of what attracted me to him, if that makes sense.
    I'd never met anyone quite like him.

    Things have moved on now. I'm married and he's with someone else, but I still think of him as the love of my life.

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  • Well I have done that exercise so many times on my life, and it's always different in some way.

    My opinion, it isn't enough.

    But it's true that to be yourself, you must learn who you are first.

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    • Well what do you suggest?

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    • Spain, and what we have here is few people for coaching and a lot of people for psychoanalisys, I don't have anything against psychology, I really like it, but if you want to improve those skills, and you need a diagnostic to be in there, when you are healthy, it's very strange you pass that line.

      In fact they forbidden hypnotherapy, which forbids PNL and all of its children subjects, and make it unlegal.

      Im interested in coaching, and psychology and by now I have seen as 10%male, 90%female on the courses I have gone.

      Furthermore if you show interest in those issues it's bad seen (anybody on my job knows I practice these) so it makes it more difficult to ask for help to someone who is just interested.

      About Google, USA may be different, here it's difficult and expensive, and information, the good one, is very strange to be found on the web.

      You must ask someone who knows. Good luck.

    • Thanks for the comments. Never been to Spain, maybe I will visit someday!

  • UK what I usually in up stop caring on what the negative people say about me and only listen to people who give. me helpful advice

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  • Does it mean standing for what yourself justifies as right, even If it means to stand up alone for yourself and you're beliefs? For me that's okay a lone wolf is more likley to become a respected leader than someone whos just trying to please all needs of people even If they we're never like that before. To accept oneself must be a great adventure.

    I really appreciate your answer that is what will make you a better Person to know. That's the way to reach your goals without selling yourself short. But there is something you forgot to say. It is self respect.

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  • However a person chooses to express this sentiment, it is still a tired platitude that means nothing to me.

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  • I don’t think I can be copied 😂 I am really random and surprisingly knowledgeable 😅

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  • So, then, if you're a pedophile with lots of rape urges, just go for it?

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    • Would rape urges in your book be a POSITIVE personality trait?

    • That's just it, there is a subculture of sickos who DO see it as positive, and in this era of "Be yourself" and "DWYL", how can we tell them otherwise?

    • My advice isn't directed toward sicko subcultures. That is like asking a dentist Hey should we really tell everyone to just smile all the time... because you know... there is a sicko subculture out there smiling about what they are and the sick things they do? Most of the population understands JUST BE YOURSELF and JUST BE YOUR BEST SELF.

  • Good take

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  • Good take. Side note: don't just meekly conform to society's expectations, think for yourself!

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  • Nice take

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  • Good take!

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  • Nice Take!

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  • Good read for the evening!

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  • very good advice. good mytake.

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  • Be you, people like you for you!

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  • yessssssss

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  • I am myself

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  • Load of happy bullshit

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  • Yeah be a gigolo and whore

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  • MGTOW

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  • Nah, pretending to be something you're not is what hooks women in, they end up staying because they know in reality, prince charming doesn't really exist. We're all kinda shitty and let ourselves go once we get what we wanted and get comfortable with one another. The best advice is to fake it right past the bull-shit stage of courtship.

    I'm not saying this is all bad advice, but I mean, it's not going to win you awards, or a date or anything. You've got to fake it to make it. Most people know that.

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    • Well you can't fake being rich, good looks, being funny, or witty personality... what exactly are you faking?

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    • Really I'm just like a lot of people, ordinary when you get to know me. Don't pretend like you don't know that people try a lot harder to make a good first impression with others, by doing things and acting in a way they usually do not. It doesn't make you a piece of shit, it just helps people take an interest in you. Nobody is really like that all of the time, it's pretty much fake. The reality is most people are tolerable once you get passed the initial facade, not bad people, but certainly not the person they portrayed to you in a controlled environment. My point is nobody is authentic towards others who they don't really know on a personal level. Most people are bullshitting you, and that's honestly how you climb the social ladder. You fake it until you make it.

    • Everyone can fake some little stuff and that is what you are talking about.. . little things. Fine. In the end you will need something to keep them around.. a real personality. That is what I am saying in this take. Work on something that is real... feels much better.

  • I am a pathetic 24 year old loser incel virgin with zero skills personality and education.

    I don't think there is any way to fix this.

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    • There is always a way but I have seen this comment before. You have obviously made up your mind... So why keep commenting?

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    • Thanks i like how honest you are. I know everyone is a selfish prick and honestly just give encouraging words for the sake of making themselves feel better.

      I really appreciate it.

    • I help hundreds of people a week... I am certainly not going to force anything on someone who is so cynical and not open minded whatsoever to being better. Change that and you might get somewhere.

  • Next time just write, be your self and get better at what you good at.

    Why all essay about it?

    Be your self, did not got me far with dating I'm still single and no light at the end of tunnel.

    You good at it when answering... Just max 5 words...

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    • Some people don't know what that even means so I wanted to lay out what I do with my own clients. Sorry it didn't resonate with you. Thanks for the comment.

    • School kids or just mentally challenged people?

  • Solipsistic platitudes, nothing new under the sun here.

    Miserable people will still be miserable, and your unfallible ideas will always find a way to blame them instead.

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  • I can be whoever I wanna be lol let me live

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