To all those women that are never approached by men: Do you think we are the problem?

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I hate to say that I fall in this category of being invisible. I see women all the time that have men pursuing them and I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Regardless if I’m skinny or fat I’m always alone. I was never approached in HS or college. I’ve only ever been noticed online. The rare times I was approached by men in person, they were odd and not someone you’d want to be around. I hear beautiful women are approached all the time and have men lining up to meet them. While here I am, attempting to be the best version of myself, and I’m always alone. After a while, you can’t help but wonder if you or these men are the issue. “How ugly am I?” is a question you begin to ask yourself. I don’t know how often you’re complimented but it feels like these people are lying to you because your lack of dating prospects fails to measure up to how other people perceive you. It’s a path of learning to love yourself. And to those men that avoid the invisible women, you all are the issue and I hope you enjoy being single or date a women that makes your life miserable.

[AlienParasite]

I've never been a very approached girl, but it's not like I've never been approached, and I have get to be approached for the kind of guys I like sooner or later...

Also discovered that when I was single before my current boyfriend, I many times missed good opportunities because I wasn't noticing subtle approaches, or denied them because I was so sure that it was just on my mind, I kind of had very low self steem to believe those subtle signals were true.

Due to those experiences of missing opportunities I've learnt is not necessary for guy to approach me, specially because I like a type of cute boy who is usually shy, so what I learnt is to see and don't deny those subtle signs, and don't worry to make the first step, that doesn't make me less valuable, not at least for the kind of boy I like... more the other way, it makes me look emotionally strong and confident, which is nice.

[smartman12]

Yes!

[ChronicThinker]

Okay, so, you're literally saying that because men aren't attracted to you they deserve to be happy?

That's not self-love honey, that is insecure bitterness. No one who actually loves themselves has to find gratification in the misery of others.

So, you're a plain Jane, so what? Lots of girls are, they still get approached. Chances are your body language could be off, or your obvious insecurity is easy to read and that's making men choose not to approach you.

Also, ever think of approaching yourself? You can't expect everything to fall into your lap just because you've seen it happen to other people.

Work or get over it.

[myTake Owner]

I believe you meant unhappy not happy.

I don’t believe one’s lack of self love can be so evident especially from a non verbal stance. But my lack of fortune in the love dept personally. You must empathize to some degree

[Logorithim]

It's usually not just one thing since this does not occur in a vacuum. You can make yourself more approachable, though, it most cases, or, better yet, approach a guy yourself.

[cjennaa]

I agree. Whenever I like someone I am so worried they'll find out so I purposely ignore them, don't smile, avoid eye contact, even act standoffish.

I don't even know why I do that, I guess I assume they won't like me and will probably make fun of me?

I blame it on the trauma of being bullied in school!

[Bluemax]

Very well put, Logorithim.

[Bluemax]

@cjennaa
I commend your self awareness. And I'm sorry you were bullied. Have you taken steps to overcome your anxieties?

[thetruex]

cjenna i am the exact same way

[Logorithim]

@cjennaa: that's too bad.

[myTake Owner]

I was bullied too. I get it. It sucks 😞

[Iwant2kno]

The last line just made my day! 😂🤣😂🤣😂

I have to say, it’s not men’s fault. Sometimes they have been rejected so many times by beautiful women they they stop trying, they avoid approaching. Some end up feeling intimidated by women! But that’s them. I’m wondering if they are not willing to approach, why don’t you? That would prevent so many uncertainties too! 😊

[btbc92]

No. We are not the problem if the guy has no courage to go up to a woman, get to know her, be a friend, and see if they are compatible. They keep making so many excuses for why they don't want to approach. They approach to date, the approach for sex, and then when you say no, all of a sudden your the worse person on the planet and deserves to die alone.

We CAN be the problem, however, when we see the kind of person who we KNOW could be right for us and we do NOTHING to communicate this to that person. We're too busy playing flirting games instead of just acting like actual adults and get straight to the point. I only chose to date with male friends, not strangers. And any stranger that approaches me I let them know that I refuse to date unless we friends. Guys who look from afar and do nothing will have NOTHING going on between me and them. I don't know them and don't owe them anything. I'm not even concerned with such people. No backbone lets me know you have nothing to offer and possibly not a leader type of man. A man with no confidence will make me too much of a 'man' in a relationship and make me feel very insecure and untrustworthy of him. Serious people, no matter how crimpling shy they are taking a risk and take a chance. That's courage. People who do nothing are cowards, which it cannot be respected.

They're approached because their beautiful and a guy just wants to screw. Any guy with common sense would like to get to know you. Maybe you're in the wrong places to mingle and actually making friends. Isolation is often a sign that something is wrong if your communication skills, have social anxiety, is socially inept, etc, something that our society doesn't approve of and thinks its a disease that needs fixing. Don't worry, I go through the same problem. But it sounds like to me your also dealing with gossiping also, which will deter people from you too. Just get out of those situations.

BUT your issue also is entitled for wrong reasons and you sound too bitter. That all needs to change. You owe them nothing as they owe you nothing. Just be happy and live your life.

[HikerDude]

You can't blame men for avoiding invisible women, any more than invisible men can blame women for avoiding them. Both the problem and the solution lie within yourself.

The interesting thing is that you touch on the core issue here in your use of the term "invisible women." The key in dating is to make yourself visible, to put yourself out there, to make it known you want someone. A lot of people have problems taking that step because of self-esteem issues from their past. Either they were bullied, or treated as garbage by their families, or grew up poor and ostracized from the mainstream. Those experiences taught you to expect rejection, so in many ways you don't even try.

There is hope, though, but it comes from exactly what you stated as your next goal--learning to love yourself. Self-esteem and self-confidence is at the core of what makes people attractive. When you are proud of who you are you will project a sense of peace and joy that will draw others to you. But you will also draw a lot of negativity as well, because being highly visible makes people the targets of ridicule for the jealous and the bitter among us. That's why you need to build up a reserve of self-esteem inside yourself. The minute you step out and claim something for yourself, the vultures of the world will try to dispossess you of it. Self-esteem is the armor that will keep them all at bay.

[myTake Owner]

Well said

[itsmicaelaxo]

Excellent intake!

[Adam19E]

AS A GUY THAT NEVER GETS APPRAOCHED AND ALWAYS GETS REJECTED AND HAS NEVER HAD A GIRLFREIND, I can relate to this... im invisable to women and when i approach i find myself failing and I've asked out women in all shapes and sizes from all diffrent races and cultural backgrounds. It just never works for me like it does for other guys... the only time a woman will give me attention is when she needs an emotional tampon who can tell her how great she is and that everything is gonna be okay. Im done being the emotional tampon.. if i cnat get a date and all where gonna do is have me explain how great you are forget it. Im tired of being freindzone all the time but it never ends. I cry a lot because of how alone and isolated I've become and its made me crazy... isolation for months can make anyone crazy and I've been isolated for my whole life... i dont know why this is happening to me and why i got this shit waste of a life but hey... beggers can't be choosers. It means i can't have standards, it means i can't use dating apps because i get no matches anyway and it means I'll be forever in limbo because ill never get to experinace and know what being with a woman is likem

[nvestan]

I would say, love yourself and go for it.
many very attractive women dont get approached even though they have many men around them. why is that, men are afraid of them.
I you think you are fat, get in a gym.
if you think that you lack something, then work on it. Many issues are because you are scared and afraid. But you can solve it, and only you.
ie get educated. and stop being lazy.
I speak from personal experience, as its alike for men and women. there are many awesome guys who are afraid of approaching women, and get a nice date, with an awesome girl, even though they aren't afraid to approach or talk to a decent women.

[Bluemax]

People can't control who they are and aren't attracted to. They can control how they react to their attraction and make wise decisions about it, but they can't control the attraction.

These men who have approached you who you find off-putting, can you control not being attracted to them?

Most people who say they aren't attractive are wrong. Most people who are unattractive can do something about it. As for the ones who *are* unattractive and can do nothing about it, it is no one's fault that people don't approach them.

As for the ones who *think* they're unattractive but are wrong, or who could make themselves more attractive, then they bear some responsibility for not being approached.

Have you considered approaching men? Do you think perhaps you are being perceived as aloof and/or unapproachable (this was a real thing with me, btw)?

[Bluemax]

P. S. Jessica Alba with blue eyes is awful... just awful. Her dark brown eyes are a work of art.

[apple24]

I rather not be approach. I get very uncomfortable. But if you want be approachable then do what I do... lol Make eye contact and smile... lol I sometimes think I am literally invisible to guy... so I went to a rock indie band n I kept looking at the musical and he kept looking at me. So much that the girl singing looked at me and then at him. lol I mean if I want to keep going futhur I would have approach the musican at the bar and ask him questions. lol But beside that not many guys approach me. The few times I did get approach it was older and homeless people. Or when I lost weight some guys would make short convo when I was waiting for the bus... lol Or be in a place where you can be yourself and people around you will truly notice you.

[young_old_soul]

Well, I can point out exactly what you are doing wrong. You have this bitter, defeatist attitude that is a huge turn-off. Nobody is going to approach you if you have this chip on your shoulder, trust me it's very easy to tell. Especially after reading the part at the end, where you wish for every guy who "avoids the invisible women" to be alone or "date a women that makes your life miserable." This doesn't sound any different from what male incels say. It's not everyone else's fault for rejecting you if you don't even accept yourself.

Once you realize that your attitude is most of the problem, and learn how to fix that, your luck will improve.

I've had this conversation before with many different guys and girls. All of them either realized that their attitude was the problem and fixed it, and suddenly became able to get dates, or they refused to and continued to blame everyone else but themselves, and are still alone.

[Anonymous]

As I was reading this I was finding it very relatable. What you were describing could also apply to most men. We rarely get any attention, pretty much never get approached and we don't get many compliments. So I was starting to feel for you. But then you had that last sentence. "And to those men that avoid the invisible women, you all are the issue and I hope you enjoy being single or date a women that makes your life miserable." That alone makes me think the issue probably is your attitude. You pretty much wished men have a horrible life because they aren't into you. That makes it seem like you aren't really a nice person. What were to happen to a guy if he was in a relationship with you and did something you didn't like? It makes me think you aren't getting guys attention because of your looks but more so they don't want anything to do with you because of your shitty attitude. And that kind of thing really shows when it comes to attraction.

[CallyKat89]

I completely agree. That's a good take.

[young_old_soul]

I had the same reaction. I was sympathetic until the incel-tier comments at the end. That kind of bitter, defeatist attitude is probably by far the main problem.

[dantetheexplorer]

I'm sorry. But any woman who thinks that just being physically attractive entitles her to attention of any kind is egotistical and narcissistic. It's the same as "Nice Guys" going: "But I have a car. A job. A house. Why don't women want a Nice Guy like me?"

The whole "I'm beautiful. Why can't I have men approach me?" is just the female equivalent of the Nice Guy's "I have a decent job and make good money. Why don't women want me?"

[-Asca-]

Car job and money have nothing to do with being nice, and "nice guys" don't think that either.

[dantetheexplorer]

@-Asca- There is a mile of difference between the Nice Guys (TM) that exists in pop culture and genuinely nice guys. The fact that I used uppercase should make it abundant clear that I am referring to the former, not the latter. The Nice Guy (TM) phenomenon has been with us for more than a decade now.

[-Asca-]

I know, but there's a reason why Nice Guys (TM) don't call themselves Financially Stable Guys. They think they are nice and respectful and therefor women owe them attention.

[eMaNnUeL]

That last bit at the end makes you sound really unpleasant. Also you have to look at it from the guy's perspective. I think a lot of women seem to forget men are human too. We aren't gonna approach someone when we don't feel there's gonna be good results, everyone has a fear of rejection. Not to mention men have become less likely to approach women in the 1st place with how much it's becoming a taboo to do so, but MANY things can impact why guys are or aren't approaching you. Sometimes it may be your fault, other times it may not. Things like your own appearance and body language impact them, things like setting impacts them. Who you're with will impact this.

[AdmiralSirJohn]

There is a simple solution to the problem of the invisible woman: the invisible man.

He's not hard to find. Just look for the loneliest, most unapproachable guy in any situation. The guy sitting in the back or in some dark corner, looking absolutely useless.

Show interest. I mean REAL interest. Sit down or fall into step with him and just say it.

"I'm looking for a boyfriend and I think you might be him."

But initiative is important, because the invisible man is completely clueless.

Some, like me, are so clueless that it takes a frying pan to the back of the head.

[MrConceptkitten]

You might be so beautiful that guys are intimidated by you. Why do you think whenever you are on tv the guys at the bar daring them to go talk to the woman?
It’s terrify! It shouldn’t be because beautiful women are just well formed molecules. They are people like anyone else.

[NineBreaker]

Maybe you live in a community where men dont usually approach random women. I never have, and never will.

My mama told me not to talk to strangers. I understand that everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, and sometimes you need to approach them to get to know them.

I know, it sounds a bit paradoxical.

[genericname85]

sitting and waiting and hoping for approaches is bullshit. that happens super rarely. if you want it, go and get it and don't sit around hoping things will fall on your lap.

you don't do this in your career do you? so why do this in your love life?

[MackToday]

It isn't just your looks that make men avoid you. If you seem mentally unstable in some way, that will do it much more so. You did wish misery on men simply for the personal choices in women that they are entitled, even duty bound by nature it's self to make. That does seem a bit unhinged.

[lernulo]

Well, if you don't even give a chance to men who really go for you, you can't blame men who don't go for you.
After it.
I think you must start to love before asking to be loved.
About be the best versión of yourself, it means more that just doing activities, you must learn about yourself where you are good, where you aren't and be confortable with it.
I see you don't say anything good about the men who looks for you and even about yourself those are bad signs.

[myTake Owner]

I’ve attempted to lose weight and what not. Be more active. Get a degree. Practice mindfulness. So yes I’ve tried.

[Anonymous]

I used to approach women, but back then it was fun and exciting. Nowadays I just know better and prefer to spend my time doing other things that are more rewarding. What's interesting with every single one of these posts about women not being approached... it's like they have no idea what's going on out there...