How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

Background: I write this as a formerly shy and insecure guy who had no skill or confidence around girls. If any of this sounds familiar to you, I want to help change your mindset. I honestly believe that if you take on board what I say, combined with your own effort and style, you can transform your life.

I want to show you in 10 steps how you can go from fearing women to being able to muster up the courage to approach them, remain happy regardless of the outcome and ultimately create amazing connections and experiences that you will be able to look back on and be proud of.

So let's begin..

1. Look in the Mirror

I'm going to spare you Chad's "jUsT bE cOnFiDeNt BrO" advice. Let's look in the mirror and work out the facts. Are you the best person you can be? If not, are you working towards becoming the best person you can be? Work out the things you're not happy with and determine whether or not you can change those things. These things could be anything ranging from your physical self, your fashion, your style, your career, your knowledge, your personality, your social skills etc.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

2. Love Yourself

Ok, so you've now reviewed yourself as a person. It's now time develop a sense of self acceptance and pride. Listen, you're not the best person in the world and you're certainly not the worst. Life isn't about being the best person in the room, it's about being your best self. Work towards improving what you can improve and accepting what you can't. Realize you are a unique and interesting individual and you DO have a lot to offer those around you. Loving yourself is a must. You cannot step out into the wilderness and expect women to like you if you do not love yourself.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

3. Only Allow Your Emotions to be Affected by those you Trust

It happens time and time again. You go out feeling confident and then someone says something or something happens that makes you feel like crap. Perhaps it's something that happened a long time ago that you still can't let go of. F-O-R-G-E-T about it. No one else was with you when you looked in the mirror and accepted yourself, so why would you let someone who doesn't know you half as well as you do alter your perception now? Some people are hurtful in life. It says a lot more about them than it does you. Ignore it. All that matters is what you and those who are on your side think.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

4. Go Out With Friends

Engaging in new social interactions is hard enough let alone having to do it on your own. Go out with friends who you can have fun with and support you. Not only will it make the whole process more enjoyable, but it will improve your social value in front of women too.

"But what if I don't have friends to go out with"? Get some. This is again part of the foundations that must be built before having success with women. It doesn't matter if you're shy and/or introverted. You NEED to develop social skills in this world. Now I understand that me saying "get some" is irritatingly simplistic, but you can literally meet friends anywhere. You are not the only guy in your position where you live. You don't have to go far by searching on the internet to find like-minded wings in your area to go out with.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

5. Accept Rejection*

Fear of getting rejected and being unwanted is a fear that everyone has had at some point. This ties right in with the previously looked at areas of loving oneself and not allowing people you can't trust to affect your emotional state. But let's really hammer this one home.

EVERYONE IS REJECTED. I don't care how amazing they may seem, they get rejected. Up until the age of 18, I thought I'd never been rejected. To be fair it seemed like I hadn't. Every girl I'd asked out said yes. Why? Because I only ever made an attempt on girls who I knew were 100% into me. But were there girls who I liked who might have also liked me who I never approached? Absolutely. Why? BECAUSE I REJECTED MYSELF. I told myself if they didn't practically throw themselves at me, it must mean they didn't like me. I told myself I wasn't good enough for them.

*The only person who you should never accept rejection from is YOURSELF.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

6: Be a Giver, not a Taker:

You are a confident man, you don't need attention or validation from anyone. Rather, you are an awesome and interesting individual who has nothing but positive energy to give those you are speaking to.

You are not approaching a woman to try and get approval, her interest, her desire, her love, her sex blah blah blah. You are giving her the opportunity to step into that great life of yours. Now she may accept this opportunity or not. It doesn't matter.

Plenty of women can recall a time when some creep couldn't take no for an answer or became an entitled prick when she rejected him. Remember, accept rejection and embrace it. Women don't owe you anything. If I offered you $1000 and you declined, do you think I'd become upset and angry? As a high value man who has something to give, you can accept a "no" and wish them the best, because you know just around the corner there is someone else who is on your wavelength and will appreciate what you have to offer.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

7. Be Self-Amused:

"What's with all this character bullshit? What do we actually say to women? Where are the openers? The pickup lines?!?!" - I'm not going to feed you with embarrassing and unoriginal one liners that you can regurgitate to people. It's boring, it's lame, it doesn't work.

I want you to develop your own attractive style. This will truly allow you to live in the moment and not be constantly in your head wondering what the next cool thing to say to the girl will be.

What you should integrate into your character is the art of being self amused. When I approach a girl, I come from the frame of mind that I'm going to enjoy myself and seek amusement, if she joins in, that's just a bonus. When I say something funny, I'm not looking into her eyes afterwards to see if she also finds it funny and approves. I'm looking elsewhere, because I've said it for myself primarily.

For example..

*I make eye contact with an attractive girl carrying a sketchbook in the street*

Me: Miss artist with the sketchbook, how are you today?

*Introduce each other, exchange names*

Me: I was just with my friend and was telling him about my deep desire for someone to draw me like one of their french girls and then you know, you came along, and I know it must be a sign..

^^ There's nothing particularly clever or smooth about what I've just said. But I'm saying it because in that particular situation *I* find it funny and that's what really matters. Be present in the moment, comment on what you observe and have fun.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

8. Warm Approach over Cold Approach

Now if you're trying to desensitize yourself to rejections, you can most definitely do cold approaches. But from a quality over quantity perspective, I don't recommend it.

A cold approach is where you approach any complete stranger. A warm approach is where there's been some form of initial connection made first (this could be something subtle like eye contact or a smile, or it could be mutual friends).

If you see a girl is walking quickly, head down, headphones in..Chances are she doesn't want anyone talking to her! Whereas if she's got her head up, looks happy, clearly in the moment...Chances are you'll get a far more welcoming response.

Looking for these key initial signs could be the difference between having a great interaction and a girl looking at you like you're a piece of shit who's just gotten in her way before quickly avoiding you.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

9. Don't become a fuckboy

So you've been gaming, having fun. But one thing that is always important is to remain honest and true. Don't lie. Don't mislead women into having sex. If you're only after sex, that's fine. Be upfront about it. She may not be interested but she'll appreciate the honesty.

When you do manage to find a girl who has a taste in you, always aim to keep that beautiful smile on her face when she thinks of you. She deserves it.

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure

10. Just Do It!

Ok, settle down Shia. But in all seriousness we've now reached the end and what really is the most important part. Taking action. It's easy to read some words and then tell ourselves we'll do something. But actually taking action is a whole other step.

We have a short time on this earth. DO NOT waste it. What do you have to lose by taking action? Will you be 80 years old and congratulating yourself by not making an effort to meet that girl you had a crush on?...Or will you be 80 years old and finally realizing that life is short and regretting not taking the chances when you had them?

The clock is ticking. Remember that. With every second that goes by, it's a second that you are losing of your precious life. Make them count while you have the chance and get out there, the world awaits you! I wish you all the best :)

How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure
How to have Success with Women if you're Shy and Insecure
Add Opinion
4Girl Opinion
28Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Guys

  • fashionguy17
    Nice take. Great information. Seriously. However, I think it's dumb that men put so much of their value based on how women see them. I used to be the type of guy back in the day that used to watch pick up videos all day, try approaching women and acting different around them to get laid. It was a waste of time. Once I got older, started being myself and stopped caring about how I look around women, and focused on my own success... I started to win with women. I now have a girlfriend.

    My advice to young men out there is just stop putting so much time and investment into women. Just focus on you. The right one will come along. That sounds cliche, but it's true.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Thanks. I absolutely agree with you. I think people are far more desirable when they're not desperately trying to win over others or impress them. Good to hear things worked out for you!

    • Boppy

      I agree. It's weird because I seem to be a rebel among my peers.
      Over the past few weeks I've had two nice experiences with strangers. One was giving out free snacks to drunk people (men and women) and one was having conversations during a ballroom dancing class.
      When I mentioned these experiences, multiple friends and coworkers asked if I "got numbers" and then chided me for not trying.

  • Jennifer_32
    There is a flaw in your take. If the male is shy it's because he instinctively already knows he is a weaker unattractive male. Becoming everything you've stated will not help him much. It may turn him from a 2 into a 3, but he'll always be below average.
    Is this still revelant?
    • ronaldo75

      " If the male is shy it's because he instinctively already knows he is a weaker unattractive male." - Um... no? Just like there are shy pretty girls who are insecure there are also many attractive handsome men who are insecure. . I used to be shy because I saw all women as perfect. Now that I know women are a mess and many are emotioal sludge I'm not intimdated by them. I've been told in the past many times that I'm attractive and feel pretty good about my looks and at 6'4" 215lbs the last thing I am is weak. Insecurity comes from a lack of belief in one's own ability, not looks.

    • Anonymous

      @ronaldo75 +1 👍

    • DWornock

      @ronaldo75 I agree. Choose less attractive girls you are not really interested in and you won't be shy.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

  • CocoBat
    Or you can just pretend to agree with a third wave feminist's ideas and be her worshipper for eternity -_-
    Is this still revelant?
    • Ya that doesn’t work, the most devout feminists still like manly tough men not someone who just agrees with everything they say

    • CocoBat

      Yes it's a double standard, a lot of feminists claim to want a subservient guy, yet they also want a strong manly guy, and to be handled roughly, and cared for, but at the same time they want a guy that asks about everything before doing so, yet want them to go after them no matter what, it just doesn't work like that, you can't have both, so most just end up with some guy that only listens to her ideas because he's desperate and impatient for a relationship, that's essentially a housewife except a guy, because those "tough strong manly men" are competent enough to realise a relationship like that isn't worth it in the long run.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • Optymistyk
    Well you at least get signs from women (aka they show you they like you). I think I'm quite good looking and confident but I get signs extremely rarely (I'm like a 7). I have a friend who is also quite good looking, probably better looking than me and he's late 21 and still a virgin, never getting signs either. When I ask women what they think of him they then tell me he looks "cute" or "very handsome". So yeah, women are weird and I think you have to be like a 9 or 10 to get signs regularly
    • Anonymous

      It can be quite confusing at times man. I would suspect either you're not noticing some of the signs or the girls you're encountering aren't very expressive. If you haven't already, next time you're out, look around with a calm smile and observe those around you as you walk. You might have a different experience.

    • Pulimuli

      A 9 or a 10 means Hollywood leading man or super model good looking

      Im nowhere near a 9 or a 10 and I get signs and I've had girls approach me and tell me they think im good looking.

      So no you dont need to be a 9 or a 10 because thats jaw dropping good looking

    • Optymistyk

      @Pulimuli tbh I've never seen anyone else get signs, I got signs like twice in my whole life and that's it. Some of my friends claim they get them quite often, others like my handsome friend tell me they only get signs from women over 30, I don't even know what to think of it anymore.

    • Show All
  • Sensmind
    Some good ideas there , yeah keep it simple and I agree don't let one (or a few) rejection (s) cloud your whole experience. Especially at a younger age it feels like a permanent condition but most do become more confident as they get older or more aware of their strengths maybe being quiet is not being shy/insecure but quite thoughtful which some women like.
    • Anonymous

      Thank you, well said. I could never picture myself being a loud person. I think the difference is I now have the courage to speak if I want to speak. It's my choice.

  • ARWINGx1
    "If you're only after sex, that's fine. Be upfront about it. She may not be interested but she'll appreciate the honesty."

    Well, although I would say that sex may be one of the main reasons, I want my relationship with my significant other to be more than that alone. Such as whatever our (non-sex related) shared interests are.

    I mean, *IF* sex was the only reason, then I might as well look for FWBs/One Night Stands instead, as it would've been easier, so to speak.
  • DWornock
    You don't because if you are shy and insecure it implies you are not very desirable and not very successful and you are not likely to suddenly become smarter, stronger, better looking, or richer which would attract girls and give you more success.
    • Anonymous

      It's a very negative cycle. Failure makes you insecure, insecurity makes you fail and so on. Unless someone is content with how their life is panning out, they've got to do whatever they can to make a change and break that cycle and learn to embrace the process, regardless of set backs or failures.

    • DWornock

      That is true. Failure causes lack of confidence which causes more failure; a vicious downward spiral. The spiral is broken when the guy keeps asking less and less attractive girl until finally he ask big and homely girls that will accept him regardless of his clumsiness and lack of confidence. His success with them will give him the confidence to spiral back up to asking girls at his level of attractiveness.

  • YHL6965
    Great take, I struggle to attempt at being funny though because I usually have a pretty dark humor, and dark humor is often pretty cleaving. Also, I like nerdy jokes but not everyone get them.
    • Anonymous

      Thanks. I know what you mean. There are bolder girls who will love being around you. Maybe mainstream girls won't understand it or be offended, but they're not any fun being around with anyway then.

    • YHL6965

      True. I also hive a "witty" side when it comes to my humor, I like making fun based on the situation I'm in and things that come up, but I don't always have material or inspiration to make someone laugh. Also, I hate telling pre-built jokes, I think it's too cheesy.

  • Greek_dude
    I've seen similar stuff all over the place but well... things aren't so simple. I'm talking of course about the first few points where you talk about accepting and loving yourself. I'm sorry but it's just empty words, it is an end goal without a way to reach it. I'm 24 years old and a kissless virgin, I'm literally crying myself to sleep every night from loneliness. Everyone makes it seem like you can wake up one day and be confident and love yourself and all that. But the truth is that confidence and acceptance of one self is a lived experience it can only happen through positive feedback. No matter how logically you think. I am able to think a certain way and feel the exact opposite. How the hell do I love myself since I am the perpetrator of my immense suffering? I understand the need to tell myself the "right" stories trying to get to the correct state of mind but my body, my emotional side smells the bullshit from a mile away. I really need to know, I don't think I can handle it much longer, i'll have to serve in the military in a couple of years and the end point of a badly maintained G3 rifle seems very welcoming
  • Mamamialetmego
    To be honest you can't. You have to change. Most women don't like insecure guys. Being little bit shy maybe acceptable but being insecure as a man is so unattractive for women.
    • CocoBat

      @MoniaLov can you not? Are you a bot? -_-

    • @MoniaLov Then go fucked yourself.

    • Yeah, even today I find ways I can be less insecure and more self-loved.

  • AuroraRoseat
    I agree with all though I’m a bit confused. This is common sense. Did it really need to be made?
    • I take it back. Seems like a lot of guys young and old didn’t know by the responses. Good Take nonetheless.

    • spartan55

      I haven't read the other responses yet, but I can assure you this isn't common knowledge lol.

    • Common sense is rarely so.

    Dont be SHY or INSECURE!!
    Problem Solved
    Find a SHY & INSECURE GIRL!!
    PROLLY be a Match made in heaven
  • UnicornLobotomy
    Do not rely solely on female or any external validation to evaluate your self-worth. Accept yourself while also integrating some criticism and apply the necessary changes you want to apply that will help you reach your goals. Identify your core moral beliefs and identify your goals. Analyze these goals and beliefs, make sure they are realistic and based in reality. Self-validation/self-actualization is in the cross hairs, if it is not you are deemed to become co-dependent and/or used and abused. Never allow yourself to be used unless there is mutual benefits and a desired reciprocity.

  • nicholas197642
    there's really nothing to be shy of or insecure about there's a lot of nice women out there who will go out with you just be your self and nice and friendly to them
    • also you might come across some not so freindly ones but dont that discourage you stay positive and go on to the next woman

  • HereIbe
    And remember, in 5 billion years, the earth gets incinerated, anyway.
  • genericname85
    i expected a shitty take XD that's pretty good though.
  • Jersey2
    Find a shy insecure woman as you have a lot in common.
    • Jersey2

      @EllaLovehard I feel so special now 😀

    • SueShe

      @EllaLovehard Sorry to have to report you for active prostitution.
      Every single reply you posted is a link for a prostitution site.

  • MadnessInside
    Ok since I'm a loner, how do I apply this to everyone?
  • incelposting
    Honk honk, just clown Maxx 🤡🤡🤡
  • Avicenna
    Excellent advice. Get out there and talk to women.
  • spartan55
    Great take and some sage advice indeed.
  • lightbulb27
  • Clinton321
    Nice speech bro..
  • Syrian_survivor
    Awesome Take! 👌
  • Rangers
    If only it worked
  • 0uttaLuck
    Have a big dick or a fat wallet
  • MadWorld111
    Step 1: don't and run
  • engrsal26
    Nice advice
  • Anonymous
    a lot of different behaviorial things to know or learn
  • Anonymous
    Just be hot
    • Optymistyk

      Okay. How to be hot?

    • @Optymistyk Yea, when they see you as hot, your shyness is suddenly all mysterious and brooding... when they see you as ugly it's seen as creepy and low confidence. It's all bs really. You can be hot mostly through looks, then physique... and then personality or swagger.

    • Optymistyk

      @Truthatanycost oh, so it is mostly looks after all? How attractive on a 1-10 scale a guy must be to be considered hot or sexy?

    • Show All
  • Anonymous
    Good stuff. I did a take listing all of the self improvements and other effort women make to get men. I can copy and paste it below for anyone interested...

    ''Welcome to my take on what women do to attract men in dating, and the self improvement they do!

    1) Wear makeup.

    End of MyTake.

    Hope you enjoyed!''
    • Anonymous

      LMAO. That's great. It's a real life journey when putting on that makeup.

  • Anonymous
    So what changes when you're just trying to not be shy and insecure in general?
    • Anonymous

      You can't fake confidence unfortunately, it's got to come from within. Breaking that mindset and putting yourself out there will give you the opportunities to progress. Putting yourself out there and allowing yourself to fail in order to succeed is the key.