I’ve been with a lot of women in my six years of dating and not a single one of them had any close connection to me before meeting them. I meet girls at school, at work or pretty much anywhere you can imagine people being. Except for when they’re at work. I don’t bother women while they’re at work because it makes it much harder for them to tell a guy they aren’t interested. If a girl shows obvious interest(verbal) that’s when I’ll make a move. When I’m at work this is the same case. The one time I dated a girl who came in while I was working gave me her number without me asking so there’s the loophole in that rule.
But on friends.
Never. I have never dated any of my close friends. Not those short term, I’ve only known for a couple of months friends. I mean those childhood friends. There have been a few of my friends who I’ve had or currently have a crush on, but expressing interest is out of the question for me.
It Can Be Weird
This is the biggest reason why I haven’t asked out any of my friends. If she rejects me then It could make things incredibly awkward. Not only could it change the dynamic of the friendship between the two of us but it could make things weird when all of us get together.
I've been seeing my friend Bella more frequently lately because a mutual friend has been doing a lot of get togethers for the summer. I've always had a small crush on her because she’s really smart. She’s tech savvy like me and I’ve always admired girls who had a scientific side to them. But the thing is she’s part of “the group”.
There’s about maybe 20 or more of us and we’ve been friends for maybe a decade or longer. We do these annual Christmas parties, get together for the Fourth of July and during the summer we’ll get together. This past summer all of us were helping our friend James for this cooking competition he was making food for. We all basically had to follow his recipe and make enough food for a crowd of people. It was pretty fun.
Bella and I spent a lot of time talking and joining around together. It made me remember how cool she was and in those moments I saw myself taking her out. But whenever I did I also thought about the different directions it could take. One factor being it could affect our relationship with the entire group if it went bad.
With girls who aren’t connected to my circle it’s much easier to cut contact and move on if the relationship doesn’t last. When I approach a woman and show interest there’s nothing to lose. If she says no I’ll probably never see her again. If she does say yes, it’s a win because then I’m dating someone I’m interested in. But no ties are being broken if we go our separate ways.
It’s not that easy with friends. I’ve seen this firsthand when she and another friend dated for a while. After it ended both of them stopped coming to get togethers at the same time. We never see them both. Either one or the other shows up. This point leads into my next topic.
As rude as it may sound there’s some truth to this. Love triangles have never been my thing. There’s already potential drama that comes with dating. I don’t want to be accused of breaking “bro-code” or turning out to be an asshole for not wanting a second date. A couple of my friends have dated each other. There’s two girls I’ve definitely had a thing for but have dated my other friends. My friend Sophia is probably the coolest/most attractive girl of the group and of course almost everyone has tried or has dated her. Except me.
I kinda have this thing about not wanting to be another guy friend that confessed his feelings for her. She actually has a lot going for herself. She’ll graduate soon and enter law school, doesn’t drink/smoke; and as far as I know she doesn’t deal with any bs. But again, with so many of my friends once liking her or being with her it turns me off. I don’t want to be seen as “Dongtai likes me too? I knew it “smirks” just another friend she dated.
The biggest thing for me with dating friends is following through with the feelings I think I feel. I’m not “in love” with any of my friends. I do think they’re attractive and would want to date them but beyond that I don’t know. That scares me.
Bella is an amazing person. If we were to go out and she ended up having a great time and started “liking” me my fear is that I wouldn’t feel the same way. I’m afraid that part of the attraction to my friends is the challenge. Sophia being the cool girl every guy likes and Bella being the smart girl every girl wishes they were like. It’s a challenge.
But sometimes I wonder what would happen after that first date. I worry that my initial attraction would fade because there’s no longer a challenge. There’s this challenge of facing possible rejection AND embarrassment from a friend AND getting them to go out with me. I just don’t think I’m the type of guy who should date a close friend because I do enjoy the chase. It would be different if it was a girl I didn’t know.
When I chase a girl I don’t know the challenge doesn’t stop at the first date. We go on a few dates and it’s usually during those dates where I develop feelings for these girls and committing. I don’t know how different that dynamic would be with a friend and the thought of breaking one of their hearts hurts me to the point where it’s not worth it for me. I would rather keep dating outside of my circle. I feel like one of them would fall for me and my initial attraction to them would drop. I’m curious to know what it would be like to date them but I don’t want to fully commit to the entire process “with a friend” because if I want to date someone else is possibly messing up my relationship with everyone.
Maybe a day will come where I end up dating one of my friends or maybe even marrying one of them. But for now it’s new girls only for me. I want to have my circle of friends for as long as I can. I’m curious about everyone else’s experiences or choice to not date friends. If you can change my mind, go for it. I’m all ears.