If We Become Close Friends I Won’t Date You!

[Dongtai]

Disclaimer: This article is not about the friend-zone. Please don’t be triggered.

I’ve been with a lot of women in my six years of dating and not a single one of them had any close connection to me before meeting them. I meet girls at school, at work or pretty much anywhere you can imagine people being. Except for when they’re at work. I don’t bother women while they’re at work because it makes it much harder for them to tell a guy they aren’t interested. If a girl shows obvious interest(verbal) that’s when I’ll make a move. When I’m at work this is the same case. The one time I dated a girl who came in while I was working gave me her number without me asking so there’s the loophole in that rule.

But on friends.
Never. I have never dated any of my close friends. Not those short term, I’ve only known for a couple of months friends. I mean those childhood friends. There have been a few of my friends who I’ve had or currently have a crush on, but expressing interest is out of the question for me.

It Can Be Weird

This is the biggest reason why I haven’t asked out any of my friends. If she rejects me then It could make things incredibly awkward. Not only could it change the dynamic of the friendship between the two of us but it could make things weird when all of us get together.

I've been seeing my friend Bella more frequently lately because a mutual friend has been doing a lot of get togethers for the summer. I've always had a small crush on her because she’s really smart. She’s tech savvy like me and I’ve always admired girls who had a scientific side to them. But the thing is she’s part of “the group”.

There’s about maybe 20 or more of us and we’ve been friends for maybe a decade or longer. We do these annual Christmas parties, get together for the Fourth of July and during the summer we’ll get together. This past summer all of us were helping our friend James for this cooking competition he was making food for. We all basically had to follow his recipe and make enough food for a crowd of people. It was pretty fun.

Bella and I spent a lot of time talking and joining around together. It made me remember how cool she was and in those moments I saw myself taking her out. But whenever I did I also thought about the different directions it could take. One factor being it could affect our relationship with the entire group if it went bad.

With girls who aren’t connected to my circle it’s much easier to cut contact and move on if the relationship doesn’t last. When I approach a woman and show interest there’s nothing to lose. If she says no I’ll probably never see her again. If she does say yes, it’s a win because then I’m dating someone I’m interested in. But no ties are being broken if we go our separate ways.

It’s not that easy with friends. I’ve seen this firsthand when she and another friend dated for a while. After it ended both of them stopped coming to get togethers at the same time. We never see them both. Either one or the other shows up. This point leads into my next topic.

Sloppy Seconds

It really doesn’t

As rude as it may sound there’s some truth to this. Love triangles have never been my thing. There’s already potential drama that comes with dating. I don’t want to be accused of breaking “bro-code” or turning out to be an asshole for not wanting a second date. A couple of my friends have dated each other. There’s two girls I’ve definitely had a thing for but have dated my other friends. My friend Sophia is probably the coolest/most attractive girl of the group and of course almost everyone has tried or has dated her. Except me.

I kinda have this thing about not wanting to be another guy friend that confessed his feelings for her. She actually has a lot going for herself. She’ll graduate soon and enter law school, doesn’t drink/smoke; and as far as I know she doesn’t deal with any bs. But again, with so many of my friends once liking her or being with her it turns me off. I don’t want to be seen as “Dongtai likes me too? I knew it “smirks” just another friend she dated.

Collateral Damage

The biggest thing for me with dating friends is following through with the feelings I think I feel. I’m not “in love” with any of my friends. I do think they’re attractive and would want to date them but beyond that I don’t know. That scares me.

Bella is an amazing person. If we were to go out and she ended up having a great time and started “liking” me my fear is that I wouldn’t feel the same way. I’m afraid that part of the attraction to my friends is the challenge. Sophia being the cool girl every guy likes and Bella being the smart girl every girl wishes they were like. It’s a challenge.

But sometimes I wonder what would happen after that first date. I worry that my initial attraction would fade because there’s no longer a challenge. There’s this challenge of facing possible rejection AND embarrassment from a friend AND getting them to go out with me. I just don’t think I’m the type of guy who should date a close friend because I do enjoy the chase. It would be different if it was a girl I didn’t know.

When I chase a girl I don’t know the challenge doesn’t stop at the first date. We go on a few dates and it’s usually during those dates where I develop feelings for these girls and committing. I don’t know how different that dynamic would be with a friend and the thought of breaking one of their hearts hurts me to the point where it’s not worth it for me. I would rather keep dating outside of my circle. I feel like one of them would fall for me and my initial attraction to them would drop. I’m curious to know what it would be like to date them but I don’t want to fully commit to the entire process “with a friend” because if I want to date someone else is possibly messing up my relationship with everyone.

Maybe a day will come where I end up dating one of my friends or maybe even marrying one of them. But for now it’s new girls only for me. I want to have my circle of friends for as long as I can. I’m curious about everyone else’s experiences or choice to not date friends. If you can change my mind, go for it. I’m all ears.

[ChocolateBrowny]

Yeah and you're probably single and the women you date ditch you after a month or fck about. Dating outside your circle leads to dissapointment, not only do they do whatever the fck they want you won't even know because no one in your social circle knows her or what she's doing behind your back. Social circles create an element of stability. Women feel trust can be established if you are part of the same group or organisation.

[Dongtai]

That’s a pretty strong fallacy you have there.

[ChocolateBrowny]

fallacy? so you clearly dont understand peer pressure

[Dongtai]

The word fallacy and peer pressure’s definitions aren’t synonymous. You stated your opinion like it was scientifically proven to be fact. But it’s a fallacy. Plenty of people marry people they didn’t meet through friends and grow old together just as plenty of friends have gotten together and split-the opposite is true for both too. There is no single fail safe way to finding a partner. I just prefer to not date friends 🤷‍♂️

[ChocolateBrowny]

right just listen to yourself. you're basically eliminating girls because they want friendship first.
Friendship is not friends. Friendship is getting to know each other slowly and developing a relationship. In time the loving bond is unbreakable.
What you're doing is the latter and yes people marry doing that but do they last? divorce is high.
Even to this day, a girl i was friends with and we both fell in love, we broke our hearts and still she wants me back even when she has a boyfriend. Dating is bullshit. It doesn't develop a love as powerful as a natural friendship that had no rules to begin with.

[Dongtai]

You didn’t read what I wrote. I was talking about childhood friends. You don’t have to be friends with someone for years to start dating. You can get to know someone on a platonic level while you’re dating and escalate it to a relationship. That’s the whole point of dating. I was referring to my childhood friends. Not friends I’ve known for less than two years. I went over all of this in my article

[ChocolateBrowny]

LOL okay zzzzzz

[Dongtai]

Pretty much

[JohnPrestwick]

It's odd to write an essay about "friends" and then add a fleeting comment to say it's actually about "childhood friends".

It's possible that people who know each other from childhood are hampered by the Westermarck effect. This is nature's way of preventing incest. A 1983 study found that people who knew each other when both were below the age of seven never find each other sexually attractive in later life.

[Dongtai]

@JohnPrestwick

I literally specify childhood friends within the essay. It’s not my fault if you don’t read all of it.

I like your comment about Westermark effect though.

[CherryRoseChampange]

To be honest I'm friends first with everyone. My dates were once my friends 99% of the time. I understand where you're coming from but for me.

I like my SO to be my bestfriend and my partner. Maybe it was how I was raised but I can't see myself not doing that, and believing in that relationship the same way I would if we started out as friends.

[Dongtai]

Long term friend or just someone you got to know before you dated? I think a lot of people are missing what I mean. These are people I’ve know for 10+ years. I don't know. I just value the friendship too much to potentially change it with a relationship. I’ve done fine with dating other people.

[CherryRoseChampange]

Normally we were friends for about a year or so before we dated. Some up to like 4-5 years. I agree time does matter. If I was friends with someone for 10 years or something I am less likely to be with them.

[btbc92]

The answer like I told a close friend of mine until she got is not avoiding dating close friends. But STOP Going after people your not compatible with. Many relationships FAIL because not just premarital sex, but people go into a relationship out of deception and not the truth. If they want to hide their financial problems, they will. They're sexual history, they can. If they're infected with a disease, easily, their family, friends, kids? That's what happens when you date a stranger. You will end up leaving a relationship or marriage as strangers still. My rule is never to date strangers. You won't lose your friends if your relationship with them was healthy and authentic, to begin with. Sure, things are awkward, but using that as an excuse is childish and immature. It would make me question why I am friends with that person, to begin with. The benefits of dating friends vs strangers depends on you as a person:

Friends:

1. They know everything about you.
2. They made their judgments about you long ago. If they still love you, they'll keep you.
3. Everybody knows everybody.
4. Parents more and likely will approve unless there are some issues concerning background and attitudes.
5. You feel safer.
6. Are trustworthy. Committed and Loyal. Unless character traits show otherwise, reTHINK why your friends with them! I wouldn't be friends with a notorious cheater.
7. You're less likely to be able to hide things from one another.
8. There is REAL LOVE THERE.

When you date strangers, you have to judge them twice as much, if not 10x as much because you fall in love, now you don't know who you're picking up, whereas you KNOW what your friends are like. Your problem is you don't really know who is right for you. You have to understand that everybody has baggage, is damaged in some way, and have flaws that you may or may not approve. But you will be judged the same way. It's less to do with physical attraction. And more to do with whether or not you have a future. If premarital sex and other things were left out of those relationships, most issues would have solved itself unless one smokes, drinks and have other morally questionable behaviors. You have to judge them the same way you have to judge dating strange women. And remember, most couples were friends at some point before getting together. The point is you will not be compatible with everybody. Of the friends I still am in contact with and had crushes on me and rejected, we are STILL FRIENDS TODAY. No awkwardness between us. You just need healthy people around you. If they're screwing around, and you are screwing around, remember, who are you to judge?

[Anonymous]

I'm planning on dating one of my friends. He has feelings for me and always has but he's always been respectful and just accepted the way things are, even nearly moved in with another woman but changed his mind. I don't see why not as I just friendzoned him without giving him a chance. I don't think it necessarily has to ruin the friendship either, I was close, platonic friends with my ex for a long time after we broke up. I also take a long time being able to be myself with someone and being comfortable enough to be intimate so dating a friend would make sense for someone like me, we'd already be comfortable with each other.
If you stop being attracted to someone when they like you back you have other issues though. That proves you aren't mature for a relationship and should probably not be dating anyone at least not in a serious manner. You're just looking for that rush of new love or excitement of chasing someone and those are feelings that wear off quickly. A good relationship is much like a friendship except you feel attracted to each other.

[MrWigglesworth]

As an older guy whose seen pretty much it all... I commend you immensely for the common sense, dignity, & honor to have the Code you do. Unfortunately there are fewer n fewer of us. Most just take it day by day literally. One day your their friend in the world n greatest husband, Dad, & Lover. The next day she is leaving your 12 years marriage cuz she flunked nursing school n doesn't want to deal with ur illness with having someone already lined up on the side that she's been giving massages to for the last 4 years unbeknownst to ur trusting ass n also this guy was the biggest meth maker the areas ever seen. So yeah keep ur pride... in the end yours is the only one that matters

[TenPoundTabby]

I think you've already justified your own position. If it's the challenge, that's one crappy reason to date people. Once you have dated them, it's over. You've beat the challenge. So yeah, don't do that. Keeping the friendship is far more important than proving that you could have that girl if you tried hard enough.

In the end, dating is about finding someone you want to be with a long time, and to get there, compatibility is king. Every dating experience shapes you and teaches you what you like, what you don't like, and what's important to you. Let those experiences guide you.

[Syrian_survivor]

Well, best relationships start as best friendships, so go figure 🤷

Dating a girl outside your circle is risky, nobody from your life knows her that well and ylu never know how she really is like, red flag.
Not being able to fix ties after a breakup with a close friend shows signs of instability, if you're strong enough, it's easy as a breeze.

You're basically limiting your dating pool to everything unstable, risky, and untrusted, and THAT could be a lot of work AND time gone to waste.

Stick to your friend circle when you're looking for a partner, it's the safest, trust me.

[KaitieSearching]

I have only ever been interested in dating 3 men in my life. I didn’t date any of them for a variety of reasons, mostly geographical, but I will not date someone who I don’t already know pretty well. All three of the guys were either friends or coworkers. I don’t feel comfortable looking at a stranger in a romantic light as most relationships seem to be in the modern day. Basically, I only want to date a guy in my friend circle. I’m sure that’s not all that common, but that’s me.

[Mr_Mystery]

I thought i was the only one.

[Hurlyburly]

Funny, and I'd never date someone I'm NOT good friends with beforehand.

[luvstoned4him]

I do like to know some one better before I date them but we agree with one thing I could never date my childhood friends. its never happened. I think there too much risk there with breaking up etc

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'm with you on this, I don't buy the "let's be friends first" line, you either like someone or you don't at the end of the day, of course you can get to know them through the dating process, but starting off as "friends" nah.

[kanak4]

I can't believe your age is 102

[Dongtai]

I can’t believe it’s not butter 😃

[Rangers]

This is the same thing girls do, but they won't admit it, so it's great that you're stating things how they are rather than leading people on!

[Anonymous]

I dont have time to waste. Either you like me or not. Me as well. If a girl dont tell me how she feels or dont ask me on date,1 week till we know each other i would estimate that she doesn't like me and start searching for others that like me.

[nerms123]

Must be nice having friends 😐

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read all that. Look up friend zone.

[Dongtai]

If you read it you’d know why I put the disclaimer 😎

[TonyBologna25]

Those usually turn into the best relationships.

[crazy8000]

In some circumstances does it exists 😉

[veebee14]

Never say never I guess🤷🏽‍♀️

[Mamamialetmego]

what is your point?

[Anonymous]

Good thoughts here

[flowers70]

This was too long