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It's TRUE that many many men have been abused and its unfair to expect them to always be the initiators but keep in mind that many more women are abused I believe its 1 in 3 so equal playing field is definitely important but here's why men are expected to take the lead even though I disagree w it
Personally I wish the girl would take the lead I would never want her to feel in any way taken advantage of
Plus guys are scared they are misinterpreting signs if the girl kisses the guy it's pretty clear to the guy the girl wants to be more than just friends
What bothers me is that women expect us to take the lead, but then want to make six hundred rules for how to do it. I think our entire dating culture is ridiculous, and it DOES contribute to rape, but women won't solve a problem if it takes any soul-searching or input on their part. Feminism doesn't have a lot of central tenets, but an unspoken one seems to be, if it can't be blamed on a penis, then it isn't a real problem. Really, women want to take the lead, they just don't want the responsibilities and accountabilities that come with leading.
Oh brother. If you’re traumatized by taking the lead then you should be traumatized by not taking the lead & still being the object of someone else’s sexual interests.
I think you’re trying to make sense of the fact that you have an extreme shyness. People who were never abused can have that
I myself am still quite young and I do not have too much of an opinion on this (especially since I don't date and struggle to even make friends), but I feel that no one should be stereotyped or pushed to do things or act certain ways in any situation. I personally have been stereotyped in other ways and it often just leads to crappy situations.
I understand what you are saying. However, the various times that I have tried to take the lead, and let a man know that I’m interested - it had always backfired. I could sense the guy was into me, but taking the lead has turned him off to the idea of dating me.
I’ve noticed this with my relationships too, especially when it comes to sex. They have felt uncomfortable with me taking initiative and asking for sex/moving toward sex when I want it.
I often find myself rejected. It’s a confusing state. All men have told me they like when a woman/their woman takes initiative/lead. But, in actual practice, that doesn’t seem so true.
That's unfortunate. Maybe those guys just don't know what they really want.
Welcome to what guys have to deal with on a regular basis! Girls lose interest along the way all the time. It's not like successfully asking somebody out gives you immunity to rejection from there on out. People can change their minds. It's irrational to assume that it's because you did the approach. It's worked before and it'll work again and again under the right circumstances.
You want the best of everything? Lead.
I feel bad for you and empathize with you, but I'm encouraging you to heal as quickly as you can. In a relationship where the woman leads you will NOT be happy at all.
and I can empathize with you, I have been sexually assaulted twice. Once via unwarranted nude, and the other time with a girl I didn't like starting to kiss my body for no reason at all one day.
I lead now. But in the past i had panic attacks and migraines doing so. If society wasn't so sexist against men i wouldn't have suffered like that.
Yup. . . So true, brother.
Hahahahahah- wait, you're being serious? Sorry man, most women refuse to initiate, they see that as your job, in other words, most women are sexist.
Great point!
This is a very important issue and I love your bravery in bringing it up! In this, I think men do their own dirty work in silencing other men about issues like sexual abuse and rape. We are all worse for it. As men hold more power in this societal structure, victims are often subjected to that masculine mindset, and more often male victims don't come forward or speak on it. Kudos to you! You are growing past those feelings of powerlessness by acknowledging it.
Societal pressure is definitely huge but sadly, I'm afraid it's mostly nature and evolution, what bothers and enrages me the most, is people call it a skillset, learnable skill, reason why it bothers me, is because it makes me think to myself, what type of skills do women need to know or learn, or do they at all, when it looks like everything simply just happens for them while they sit or stand there passively
I agree that the onus shouldn't be solely on the men as there are a lot of us who are just super reserved. I think regardless of whether you're a guy or girl, if you want something you should just go get it, you don't need to wait around for other people to do something for you. Ideally that's what I'd want in a relationship, that we can just do things without being expected to because of our sex.
I feel as yes in the beginning men try to take the lead just from the fact of him trying to find the one they want. But at a certain point they realize that they have to do what the woman wants because they have to keep her happy. So its really a game of balance and both parties have to understand that
How is a woman supposed to feel protected, feel secure, and feel sexually turned on, man that is afraid of TALKING to a woman?
How can he be trusted to be mentally strong enough to lead and provide for his family... if he can’t talk to another female person and show his interest?
In the grand scheme of life that is a VERY low danger level of an action to do (talk to a woman and lead the courtship).
This IS the ultimate shit test: u gotta pass!
yes and what's even more unfair is that society forces men to take the lead but then frowns at actually taking the lead as advancing behavior is framed as sexual harrasment. however i would say that's just the conflicting shit that the media tells us. reality is different.
Men can always just ignore it. That is what I do. Culture is created by the people, if men want it to change you have to actually change it. If all men stopped chasing and being desperate things would likely change. I do not blame society, I blame men that blindly follow its patterns.
Nobody's putting pressure on guys to take the lead. Guys do that on their own because too many of them want to kiss a woman so he can distract her and unbutton, unzip, untie, etc.
so he can cop a feel and act like he loves her in the hopes that it will lead to him getting free sex.
(I wish guys didn't "take the lead" so much!)
Your filter is broken lol. As a woman, you ought to be able to detect bullshit 3 miles away. I'm gonna go out on a limb and consider the possibility that you're attracted to douchebags like the rest of the women out there skimming over the nice guys, but WAIT... nice guys are boring!! What a complex you have to face, you poor thing! Try having women assume the worst of you by default because of her experience with people who are NOT you.
Sorry. Had to speak on behalf of most men.
I do wish that more women would start “taking the lead” in the dating scene, but I’m not really sure what statistics about male victims of sexual abuse have to do with that.
So is this part of the feminization of men? My world of advise to men, quit being pussies, and man up, take control, go up and ask that girl out, grow a beard, drink beer, and curse a lot. Oh and shoot guns, lots and lots of guns. You kids get off my lawn ya here.
Wow I actually never thought about this. That’s really interesting.
I have to call bullshit on your statistic that says 1 out of every 5 boys are sexually abused. Please provide a source.
The day society expects women to be the ones to approach men and initiate sex is the day society dies due to lack of reproduction.
This is not a research paper. I would just suggest you should pick up a book and read it. Youd find 1 out of every 3 women are sexually violated and 1 out of every 5 men.
Yeah, I knew your wouldn't be able to provide any supporting evidence because it doesn't exist. I don't need to pick up a book because I have already done a ton of research on and am very well versed in the statistics about male and female rape rates in the US. There is not a single reliable study that shows anything even remotely close to your claim about 1 in 5 boys being raped. The closest is a CDC study that shows 1 in 71 men are sexually assaulted. The Bureau of Justice figure is significantly lower than that.
Nice try though.
Not to dismiss the very real trauma men such as yourself have faced, I strongly believe your conclusion applies irrespective of it. Men--with or without history of abuse--deserve to be swept off their feet as much and as often as women do! The burden is unfair to ALL men!