A guide to dating for average (or below average) looking men

[Anonymous]

Before I start the article, I'd like to make a few things clear. Please read this to get the most out of my guide, or if you're feeling bored to read this, then you're most welcome to start reading directly from the second paragraph. This will be a story followed by the guide. I'll describe my own experience, and then lay out a short general guide. The next thing is, I reside in a conservative country where most people are still not open when it comes to dating and sexuality. And couples usually abstain from actual sex (although they may proceed till foreplay)until they get married, or at least until they are engaged. Hence, what I describe in this article might not apply completely to you if you're sexually very liberal, but it should still give you a general idea of what needs to be done. The final thing I wish to say is that mine is a third world country, and English isn't my native language. Hence, there may be a few grammatical mistakes, or errors in my vocabulary. I request you to kindly bear with me on this. Now, before you get bored with all this 'disclaimer' stuff, I'll quickly move on to the actual matter.

I have seen several men here complain that they're unable to get dates because they feel they're average or 'ugly' looking. Some of them say they get rejected by women due to their looks, while the others say that they're too scared to even approach women because they're sure of getting rejected. This article will help you overcome this problem and kick-start your dating life. Of course, it won't happen overnight, and you need to put in your sincere efforts. This will be like a 'pep talk' to you guys, so that you don't lose hope and give up on dating and women. So please read on.

I'm a 27 year old man, who most consider to be average (or below average) looking. I'm really short (my height is 170 cms or 5'7") and I'm also slightly overweight. Besides, my face isn't something which people would say 'attractive'. For a long time, I was really upset about this, and never tried approaching women. In fact, there was a particular point in my life where I was so disgusted with my looks that I even considered plastic surgery to alter the way I look. One fine day, I realized that there's no use whining about by looks, and I need to do something which can boost my confidence, and maybe also give me a chance at dating.

That's when I changed my lifestyle and became a total gentleman. I began expressing a lot of kindness towards my female friends, helping them out when they had problems and lending them a shoulder to cry on. Of course, I wasn't doing this just to attract them, because I was equally kind and helpful towards my male friends as well. I completely discarded swear words from my vocabulary, and also gave up using any kind of vulgar/profane language. I also used to crack jokes often, and make the girls giggle. Please note, I never worked in improving my looks (of course, I didn't have any issues like body odor, and I always gkept myself clean and well groomed), but instead concentrated on transforming myself into a kind and confident man, with a bit of humor. And you'll be surprised to know the result. I myself never asked any girl out, but SEVEN girls themselves asked me out at various points of my life. Out of those seven, 2 were really beautiful, 3 were quite pretty and the remaining 2 were above average. That means, in spite of me being average looking (or perhaps below average), the girls who asked me out were never average or below average. I won't get into the details regarding my acceptance of those girls, my relationships with them etc. because these things are beyond the scope of this article. The point I was to drive here is that, if i could do it, so can anyone else.

"That's when I changed my lifestyle and became a total gentleman!"

I agree that some women are shallow enough to date a man only based on his looks (there are such shallow men as well), but I can confirm that such women are the minority. And it is true that women aren't as visual as men. For women, other things matter more than looks. For some this may be money, but most women only expect a lot of love, care and protection from a man. I'm sure these aren't so hard to give. If you have a good sense of humor as well, that will be an added bonus. Once a woman gets the feeling that her life will be happy and secure if she's with you, then your job is done. It is quite easy to win a woman's heart if you just know the way of talking with her. The most important thing here is, you have to behave in such a way that she gets the impression that your primary objective is 'love' and not 'sex'. Just be kind towards her, support her during her hard times, make her laugh, and treat her with respect (rather than a sexual object), and you'll melt her heart sooner than you think. And its really not as hard as it seems, trust me. But like I mentioned earlier, this can't happen overnight. This is a complete lifestyle change which you should incorporate, and at no point should you feel that you're changing yourself to attract women. Rather, you need to tell yourself that you're changing to become a better individual, and the female attention you get is actually the reward for your change.

I'd like to end my article here by saying a few things. I have written quite a few articles in my native language, but this is one of my very few English articles. Hence I'd like your feedback on this. Both positive and negative feedback are welcome. And if my article helped you at least a little bit, or if you just enjoyed reading it and feel my words make sense, please leave behind a positive comment. Such appreciation will encourage me to write more articles. I'm not a professional counselor (I'm actually a software developer), but I have given relationship advice to lots of people over the past 6 years, most of whom are pretty happy with their lives now. For now, its goodbye from my side. And thanks a lot for taking the time to read my article.

[aficionado]

Finally, a clarification regarding the article's title. In my part of the world, there isn't really a clear separation between 'dating' and 'being in a relationship'. Its like a couple who are friends or acquaintances directly get into a relationship when one of them confesses his/her love for the other (or both do it mutually). When I wrote this article, I wasn't aware that in the west, people 'date' to check for compatibility before getting into a relationship.

[Hannah591]

Looks isn't everything. I dated a guy who I didn't find to be the most attractive guy ever but I fell for his confidence, sense of humour and his character but then I found out what his true character was and he became uglier than ever. There were many times in which he became more attractive due to the good sides of his personality.

[MmaTender]

I would title this article more of how to be a lover or how to be romantic with women. You propose a certain skill set that works for you, however it does not work for those that have a strength in the opposite skill set. That being said, for this not being your main language it is damn impressive and I thank you for the article man, very well done and some very good stuff

[myTake Owner]

@MmaTender
Thanks for the encouragement and feedback! But this actually happened too long ago (although i wrote this article just 2 years back), and the scenario has changed a lot now. So what i have written here, may not be relevant today.
I'm no longer 'average-looking' (put in a lot of efforts to shed weight and improve my looks in other ways too), nor have I given importance to dating and relationships for over 4 years now!

[jacksonshericka]

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[ItsSoFluffay]

I completely agree with your article. There have been guys who if you showed me a picture, I would not consider good looking but their personality shone through sooo much that everything about them was amazing. and beautiful. Some guys say that if you treat a girl nicely then she will run as girls like bad boys but I think the truth is that girls like confidence (not the being bad part). I think its great how you transformed yourself and good luck with the future.

[InquisitiveMale]

Allot of the information taken out of context is true in western society. Although I'm not really a benefactor of this article, the overall implication that in the long-term women seek keen differences in their relationships is completely true. It is possible to date outside your means but likely not to the same capacity as in India.

[aficionado]

@Kelly34 You seem to be missing the point. Women would obviously want to sleep with good looking men, but for a long term relationship, they look for loving and caring men with a kind heart, rather than a good looking jerk who would have slept with several women. Life is not all about sleeping with as many people as possible. Its more about developing an emotional bond and attachment with one person and maintaining it.

[aficionado]

@Kelly34 - See, you said it yourself. Its easy for good looking men only to 'sleep with' multiple women. Here I'm focusing more on long term dating/relationships, where sleeping with women isn't the priority. For men looking for a long term committed relationship, looks isn't really a deal breaker, irrespective of the country or the society.

[Kelly34]

*sigh*

Obviously its much easier to get a date in a conservative/traditional society as a below average male. The issue is in the west its very simple for good looking men to sleep with multiple women, causing huge competition for the remaining women. Furthermore women are less dependent on men in feminised countries, since they can earn there own living, allowing them to stay single until 'Mr Right' comes along.

[girlandhermusic]

I have to say this is true. Although I am far from perfect, many people outside of my family refer to me as beautiful. I have had opportunities with good-looking guys. Initially my heart raced & I eagerly accepted their advances. However I lost interest bc the guys were often superficial. And yet, i found myself with no effort at all being attracted to average men who were confident, respectful, loving and chivalrous. In some cases I began to see them as hot. Listen to this guy!

[kheserthorpe]

... powerful but kind, but sexually repelled by men who are -weak- and seem to be kind in hopes of being liked. Because a male's natural position is one of greater strength in a traditional society, his being polite is more likely to be seen as kindness-from-strength as opposed to kindness-from-need.

A man in the west who needs to behave more like a gentleman is probably getting laid but can't get a long term relationship now. Guys who can't get laid probably need to be more sexual.

[kheserthorpe]

Second, being a gentleman is sort of good, but needs to be done more carefully in the west. I say carefully because a lot of young guys who have been raised to be gentleman are overdoing it by modern standards. Traditionally, men held a lot of power so a man being polite was perceived as a benevolent gentleman, and this is likely still true in traditional cultures. In the west now, it can be a fine line between seeming benevolent, and seeming needy. Women are attracted to men who are ...

[kheserthorpe]

I would have to agree with those saying this applies far less in more liberal countries, for two reasons:

- Far more women in the west are looking for a man first and foremost as entertainment and sexual excitement, because they do not need (or perceive that they need) a man for stability or income. This has trickled down to dating, and many women choose to be friends with benefits with a guy who is a '9' rather then date a 6. Whether this makes them happy or not is an open question.

[katy09]

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[aficionado]

@Jinmetsu Rasetsu

Anyway, what you're saying here is a bit of out context. If you aren't interested in her, just sever contacts with her. That's it. If she still pursues you, its her foolishness so I don't see how it causes problems to you. Men aren't always obliges to accept women, the same way women aren't obliged to say yes to every man. This article mainly deals with the ways in which average looking guys can have a chance. It doesn't completely relate to your scenario.

[aficionado]

@Jinmetsu Rasetsu

Whoa man, easy there! What I wrote is in general. The type of girls who always prefer 'jerks', are usually jerks themselves. And its NEVER long term. If the only problem you have with her is that she's a single mom, just mention this to her frankly instead of saying you only want to be friends. Frankly, I too would never give a chance to single mom mainly because I can never care for someone else's child, as my own (that situation ALWAYS comes up, sooner or later).

[Jinmetsu_Rasetsu]

And the hilarious thing of it all? She still thinks that she loves me, she still has grandiose dreams of being married to me, after I have implicitly told her, she is not my type, I don't like single moms, and the chances of her being more than just a friend, is next to a snowball's chance to flame. I never even wanted sex, or even a relationship with her, but she still insists. I am just trying to be friends with her. Nothing more. What have you to say of this, Mr Know it all?

[Jinmetsu_Rasetsu]

Realistically, being a gentleman and considerate to her needs, makes you seem to her, as a user, and in genuine, to her twisted lack of logic. Obviously, you only have half of it correct. Confidence is key. I have someone I am absolutely NOT interested in, on my coat tails, now. Do I bend to her will? No. Am I an absolute gentleman? Not really. Women only want perceived challenges. She knows she don't have a chance with me, but she believes she can change my mind. Chasing a dream.

[Jinmetsu_Rasetsu]

@ aficionado:

You sound like you know it all... Then why do women overlook the "nice guys" and prefer long term relationships with "jerks"...

For that matter, they only want to deal with the nice guy, after they are used up, full of dramatic bullshit in their lives...

Yeah, after having 2-3 kids, with 2-3 different, "pretty boy" jerks, now, "Hey, mister nice guy, I forgot you have a penis... I thought you were a female that was pretending to be a dude... Maybe you can save me?"

[aficionado]

@ironeddie Only three kinds of men find this to be fiction:-

1) men who have totally lost confidence because they believe they're not good looking

2) men who are only attracted to materialistic/high maintenance women

3) men who want to sleep with as many women as possible, so that they can brag about being a 'real man'.

[aficionado]

@Mma Thanks a lot for your appreciation. I'd like to clarify certain things. Firstly, its not any special 'skill set' which I possess. I was just being a good human, that's all. And by 'opposite skill set', do you mean guys who attract women by being the quintessential 'bad guy'? That may work with some women, but being good works with most women (I've seen several cases). Even women who desire 'bad guys' can never resist a 'good guy' if he behaves like a gentleman in her presence.

[steven5678]

I live in the U. S. I wear glasses and I have been confident when starting in conversations with many women in my college the last couple of years. Despite me talking about interesting things most of the women seem annoyed when I talk to them and tons of them sat somewhere different the next time there was class. I am 23. Only some women around my age have been ok with having convos with me.