Five QUESTIONS you should ask on your FIRST DATE... but probably won't!

[AviatorTom]

A FIRST DATE is important. You're both probably a little nervous, maybe anxious is a better word, and it's a time to get to know each other. The goal, of course, is to see if a second date, or more, is possible. You're going to talk, exchange compliments, and probe each other.

Here are FIVE QUESTIONS that you should ask your date on the First Date ... but you probably won't.

1. How much money do you make?

Look, there's no point dating someone who has no money. You don't want to support them. Similarly, if they make too much money, they will try to control you economically.

2. Do you want to have kids? How Many?

Alright, that's two questions ... but they're important. If you want to have a family, it's important that your date wants that too. And the opposite is also true. If you don't want kids but they do, well that's going to be difficult to deal with.

3. Did you go to college? What did you study?

Ok, it's more than one question, but again, they're important. If one of you is a high school grad and the other has a Masters Degree in Quantum Physics, or if one has a Degree in Foreign Languages and the other has an advanced Engineering Degree, you may not have too much in common. The best relationship might be when you both enjoy the same topics and have the same level of intelligence. And let's be honest, you can't just ask "How intelligent are you?"

4. Where do you want to live?

If one of you wants to stay in your hometown and the other wants to move to another country, that might be a problem. Could you deal with that? Even something simple like one of you wants to live in the city while the other wants to live in that city's suburbs ... that could be an issue.

5. How often do you want sex?

On a first date, you're not suggesting you get a hotel room for the night, but both of you do realize that, if a relationship develops, you're going to get intimate at sometime. Hopefully, you both have similar thoughts about sex but if they're very different, that might be a red flag.

Best of luck on your next first date.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Lol, man, we've got similar wavelengths.

I ask these on my first date, or even before the first date.

I'm not about to date someone who wants kids. That's unfair to them, I'm happily childfree.

I don't know about the last one, though. I'd make that a second or third date question and ask about their philosophical or personal beliefs a little more.

[MikeInHawaii]

My answer to my income, is “None of your damn business.”

Alternate answers might be “What’s your minimum? Do you make that?”

Or: “Tell me what you make and I’ll answer more or less.”

[ethanallen]

Go ahead and disrespect me on a date by asking how much i make. I will get up, walk out and never call you again. You have just shown yourself to be a gold digging whore.

[coachTanthony]

Yes those would be some awesome questions to get answers too. And yes you are right even if they had great answers they would probably be turned off by the questioning hence "Questions you should ask but probably won't"

[OlderAndWiser]

I agree that all of these are important questions but I don't agree that they shold be asked on a first date just because they are potential deal breakers. I think that when you get to a fourth or fifth date, your date may be much more comfortable about answering these questions.

[Shiningtempest]

@OlderAndWiser If it's going to be a dealbreaker in the long run, then it's important to ask these questions on a first date.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Shiningtempest A date is not just all about what you want to know now. There's an important issue of showing respect, recognizing a partner's comfort level, and not simply interrogating them.

[Shiningtempest]

@OlderAndWiser Your response shows why dating can be considered inefficient & time-consuming.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Shiningtempest Efficiency is the goal of ergonomics, but not the goal of dating.

[Shiningtempest]

@OlderAndWiser Goal of dating should be finding out if a person is compatible or not in an efficient method.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Shiningtempest If your first date feels like a job interview or an interrogation, you are not going to get to many second dates, and you will drive away women who might otherwise have been very suitable candidates.

[Shiningtempest]

@OlderAndWiser If I drove away women, it means there are no shared goals.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Shiningtempest "it means there are no shared goals." That is one of several possible explanations.

[Shiningtempest]

@OlderAndWiser Perhaps I have a lot to learn about how a first date works.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Shiningtempest Not everyone is capable of that insight.

[Guy13]

What is your 5 year relationship Vision

[lilyanony1]

On a first date I spend my timjjst talking to the like I would a friend.
I throw in slight flirting, like I might ribb you a little if you're a little skinny. Saying something like "I could break you!" I want to see your reaction and see how you handle it...
Will you challenge me to an arm wrestle lol.
Or if you're very masculine I might play into you "your muscles are so big!" and try and do a comparison to encourage you to check me out and feel me up pg rated place obviously...

I know he's checked me out but now I want him to really take my lead.

If he's into me he'll gladly follow my lead, if he's not so keen he'll get all uncomfortable and say something abrupt.

It's meant to be kept light on the first date.
Which is why I always suggest an activity...
If all goes well we can go eat or for drinks.

That's when we can see if there's more compatibility.

I love the thrill of the chase, and I love to be chased.

I'm very child like in my approach to dating... Playful but it's very clear as to whether I like you or not.

The questions for me come on date 2, the reason being is that we would have been talking before we met.
And date one was to get the nerves out the way.
Date two is establishing whether the connection we made in person is still there.
This is a more spontaneous date.
One where neither one makes decisions it's combined. Any bloopers we can see if we're able to handle it together or if there's a leader.
It also shows you whether this person actually respects you.

After the blooper you'll probably talk about it.
That is another way of figuring out whether they can handle mistakes...

I don't believe in staging things.
I also don't believe we should try to get on with someone.
We're adults being civil is at the very least expected especially after a mishap.

Your questions to me seem off so soon especially when actually the person should have made clear their intentions before taking you out.

We're all allowed to change our minds but date one usually shows you what they're really about.

I'm not one for formalities but I kinda just think when it's working you call the person and they call you without question.
They also include and want to be included in anything happening in your life.
It's quite an organic process.

Rehearsed and staged situations feel like there's an element of control.

It's dating not a marriage proposal.

This became longer than I expected.

[Agent_Elflord]

I like your dating style, makes sense to me.

[lilyanony1]

Thanks... I like to take things easy you know.

[BlackBeauty90]

What sort of women do you date, whores, sluts, prostitutes and women with nothing going for them? You certainly haven't been dating any decent or respectable women.

1. How much money do you make?

No decent woman or man would ask this on the first date. It's rude, ignorant & blatantly shows you were not raised properly, have poor manners & generally are undesirable.

2. Do you want to have kids? How Many?

No decent woman or man would ask this on the first date. It's rude, ignorant & blatantly shows you were not raised properly, have poor manners & generally are undesirable.

3. Did you go to college? What did you study?

This would / could come up in a first date but it would NOT be addressed like you're holding an interview for a job.

It would be a causal question that may lead to more questions about the city or town they were in, etc.

4. Where do you want to live?

This may come up in causal conversation it would NOT be a question like an interview.

5. How often do you want sex?

No decent woman or man would ask this on the first date. It's rude, ignorant & blatantly shows you were not raised properly, have poor manners & generally are undesirable.

[AviatorTom]

Thanks for your comments. These are things people would like to know about the other person on the first date, but would never ask.

[BlackBeauty90]

@AviatorTom - yeah they'd never ask because most people weren't born in a barn among the animals. On first dates, you are trying to leave a good impression.
Not get a drink tossed in your face, not go home with a hand imprint across a check so everyone at work is laughing at you the next day, and not have half of your date's meal spat across the table because they were insulted at the ignorance and affrontery.

These sorts of questions are what you'd ask as you go along and develop a rapport with someone.

The only sort of "dates" you'd ask these questions of on the first date are people that don't mean anything after that first date. Or in short, as I said, sluts, whores and their male counterparts.

[burlen]

The following are the questions I always ask on my first date, which makes them to ask me the same questions and keep the discussion flowing. I always ask these questions in the following order:

1. Why did you like my profile? Or what about my profile led you like my profile?

2. Now that we have met, what is the first thing you noticed about me?

3. [The third, fourth, etc. questions would be about things they mentioned on their profile or said in our chat in the days leading up to the first date I want to know more]

4. What does a typical day for you looks like?

5. If your ex was here with us, what would they warn me about being in a relationship with you?

6. What about you were you exes liked (the most) about you?

7. If hobbies were made an offence, what would you be sent to jail for? Or what are the qualities you like about yourself?

8. If people were sent to jail for bad habits, what would you be sent to jail for?

9. When was the last time you lied? Why?

10. When was the last time you felt happy? Why?

11. When was the last time you felt sad? What happened?

12. When was the last time you were upset? What happened?

13. What did you learn about self from your last relationship?

14. What about your last relationship are you not proud of? Or what about your last relationship are you proud of?

15. What about today's date has reduced our chances of having a second date? Or what about today's meet has increased our chances of having a second date?

[AviatorTom]

That's a lot of questions, looks more like a job interview. Does your date usually answer all of them or does she avoid some?

[burlen]

Reading the questions may give the appearance of an interview but it isn’t during the date, at least in my case. Most times they answer all questions and some even say things like "Your questions really make me think deeply", "I wish all the dates I’ve had were like this", or "We had so much to discuss; there wasn’t a moment of awkward silence".

The questions above are divided into 4 categories of topics I always want to know about my date, especially the ones I met from dating apps.

The first three questions are warm-up or icebreaking questions.

The fourth question is an indirect question to questions like what do you do for a living, are you employed, do you study, what are the things you spent most of your time on, or what is your lifestyle. It is always my must-ask question and the question that can move into many topics to discuss. Answers she provides to the question can tell something about her values, hobbies, and whether we have some shared interests. It provides a chance for me to do the same for her.

Questions 5 to 9 are intended to let my date reveal her personal traits. Who exactly is she? It is also a chance to use the same questions to reveal myself to her.

Questions 10 to 14 are intended to stir my date's emotions and to give the appearance she is talking with one of her besties. There are many other emotion-provoking questions I didn’t include because my response was getting too long. Questions like "what is the one thing you would like to change about your upbringing", "What is the one thing you did yesterday you would like to do for the rest of your life", "when was the last time you felt loved", "who in your friend's or family circle are you worried about and why", or what is the most challenging period of your life. I swear it’s the emotions or nostalgia based questions or topics that tend to live a last impression about me in my date.

[Kori1236]

I might be the only to agree maybe not phrased the same way but I would much rather make sure our lifestyles and goals line up on the first date so we’re not a year down the road having these discussions and upset because we don’t agree on key things.


1. Money is important, I need someone to prove to me that he’s financially independent. He doesn’t need to make six figures; but he does need to be financially responsible. This means he makes his bills on time, pays his rent and is able to afford his necessities like food. And that doesn’t mean he needs to take care of me too; but if I can afford rent, food, bills and hobbies I expect my partner to be able to do the same.
2. Asking about kids is important; I am someone who doesn’t want them. I may be open to revisit it in the future but as it stands it’s a hard no. I would consider fostering and adopting kids.
3. College and study is a good ice breaker so not a bad question to ask
4. Where do you want to live. I’d probably phrase it like if you could live anywhere where would it be. I am not a hot climate person, to visit sure to live would kill me. So if I could find a place that’s like perpetually fall I would be happy
5. How often do you want sex. Big one for me, I have a moderately high drive so to be with someone with a low drive would make us incompatible which could eventually lead to resentments.

[Tomcat68]

Terrible first date questions :)

1. I don’t care if someone makes more or less than I do.

2. Good question to ask but not on the first date. I just met you and your taking about our potential children?

3. College is not the only path to success and everyone has many interests outside of work.

4. Where you want to live can change over time so it is not that important. If it’s truly the right person you will find a way to make it work.

5. How often do you want to have sex? Very odd question on a first date. It’s going to depend on the person and the chemistry you have.

How about more meaningful questions…

Tell me about your family and your relationship with them.

Who are your closest friends and how did those relationships develop?

what do you do for work and why did you choose that path?

What does a typical work day look like for you? What kind of hours do you work.

What hobbies or recreational passions do you have?

What characteristics attracted you to me and what are you looking for in a relationship?

[MTC29]

To quote Sterling Archer..."Phrasing!"

1. How much money do you make?

1a. What do you do for a living?

If she says she's Registered Nurse, then she has a good income. A cashier at the Dollar Tree? Not so much.

2. Do you want to have kids? How Many?

2a. Straight forward question. Move onto #3.

3. Did you go to college? What did you study?

3a. Where did you go to school?

If the answer is MIT or Wharton Business School, you know everything you need to know.

4. Where do you want to live?

4a. What are your plans for the future?

Pay close attention to what it is that she says.

5. How often do you want sex?

5a. I'm looking for (or not looking for) a serious relationship.

This one can come back and bite you in the ass. I made the mistake early on of telling my SO that I wasn't looking for anything serious and she agreed. Well, I'm crazy about her, but she has taken me at my word.

[AviatorTom]

Have you tried playing the "guys are stupid sometimes" line with your SO about question 5?

[MTC29]

For the young men out there: woman may not listen to you, but they will never forget anything that you say to them.

[Anonymous]

LOL! Wow--these are some terrible first date questions! I don't disagree that some of those things might be (VERY!) interesting to know, but I don't think a "frontal assault) is the way to get that info. Besides which, you left off other important ones like "what's your body count?" or "have you ever cheated or been cheated on?" or "have you ever had a STI?"

But anyway, I can take issue with some of the specific questions you asked as well. I have never once given a rip about how much money a girl makes. The number could be $1 million + or it could be $0. I don't need her money so she can't control me with it if she has it. I'm looking to DATE her right now--NOT to marry her, so I don't worry about needing to support her because I don't have to. So basically, this question just becomes awkward and puts her off but for no benefit to me.

How many kids does she want? On a first date, I don't care. Maybe later if I decide i want to make it exclusive with her, but certainly not now. Again, asking this question is a great way to make her think I'm looking to immediately start a family with her which is not at ALL my intent. Bad question.

I have an advanced degree and I can honestly say I don't give a rip about the college the girl went to (or didn't go to). If I wanted to date someone from my program or college I would have.

Question 4 I like as it actually IS interesting and can lead to good conversations. Keep that one.

The sex question: VERY important but you definitely need to find the right time to ask it or you're looking at some awkward times! If we're vibing and getting flirty and already talking about sex then yes--drop it in there. Also, if that's going well we're much, MUCH more likely to start working on getting to that frequency very soon.

[Amy10223]

I would omit questions #1, 2, and 5 right away. What they make is no business of yours. #2 is almost as if you're looking for marriage material, and right away they are talking about having kids. And the last, is really not appropriate for a first date question, nor a 2nd, or a 3rd.

Instead I would ask general questions and ask up front, what are they looking for in a relationship; how would they describe themselves as, what are their interests, and maybe places they have been to. Those questions lead to more shared discussion.

[Agent_Elflord]

Totally agree with your omissions and suggestions, I think the only way a date where these questions were asked would result in anything other than her walking out, would be if they were both two very straight-forward people.

[Amy10223]

@Agent_Elflord Right! Or he would walk out...

[Agent_Elflord]

You’re right, either of them could. I was thinking more a guy asking these questions, who’d be kind of an asshole.

[Amy10223]

@Agent_Elflord I can see a woman prying on what a man makes too. I didn't even feel comfortable telling my family (siblings) what I made and never did.

[Aerissa_Jade]

I usually spread those questions out over the first five or six dates... but keep in mind, that could simply be a week or two period for me.

If we don't match up, no worries... we had lots of fun (I hope in the meantime.) If anything became friends if nothing more.

[Chazmatazz269]

Never ask how much someone earns or even if they work. Not if you’re looking for meaningful connection anyway. Even if money is very important to you, there are ways to share that about yourself without breaching a cardinal rule of etiquette. If you can’t do that, you shouldn’t be dating. Communication skills are imperative in every relationship, and you’re going to have very poor “luck” if you can’t be honest without being rude. Ell oh ell!
Also, no one has ever left a first date that felt like a job interview and told their family and friends how perfectly it went. Dating shouldn’t be mechanical. Otherwise, we can fully expect to be replaced by machines even in our “personal” lives.

[DaveJord]

I agree with all but Number #1. You don't need to know how much they make, just ask them where they went to college or if they did, and what they do for living. From their you can determine what field they are in and if they employed or not. How much they make is really not any of your business and I would never tell a women on or before a first date what I make exactly.

For me most my dating is on line so I already ask all these question before the first date. But don't grill a person, it usually is done through casual conversation.

[DizzyDesii]

I actually ask questions 2/3/4 in week one before a date even occurs. I’d ask #1 in a different way. I’d just ask do they have a job and is it temporary or their longterm goal. As long as theyre not running a weed farm, selling their body, picking up trash, or working at fast food, then Im not too bothered with what they do. I dont need to know how much they make unless we’re engaged and asking how much eachother makes. But we do both need to be saving for our future family we intend to start together. #5 is something I’d ask closer to the 6 month mark since sex isn't happening before then.

[DizzyDesii]

I get my questions answered before the first date so that we can just have fun while on the date at the theme park or wherever

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

WHAT!!!

ITs a DATE not a marriage proposal.

It occurred to me when helping a young fellow worker who was afraid of women that people are WAY to invested in dates. It was as if he views dating a woman as marriage proposals.

Lighten up. Dating is to get to know some one at least as a friend first. Find out who they are and if you even like each other.

I personally don't date casually because I do have an agenda: to find a wife. But I am not going to put that much into the first person on the first date. But there is no way to find that one who has the qualities I want unless I take the time to enjoy the company of many women. They all have much to offer and I will always take away and hopefully give little gems. This is also why I really thing Group dates or social groups are far more effective.

[Avicenna]

1) No one should come right out and ask what someone makes. You can ask this by proxy by asking what sort of work they do (which is a totally normal think to ask on a first date if you don't already know). Income also doesn't necessarily give you an accurate picture of someone's finances (what if they have accumulated 350K in student loan debt?).

3) You'll figure out pretty soon whether you have anything in common. But I wouldn't assume that one's degree (or lack thereof) is determinative.

4) I wouldn't discuss that on a first date, only when you get serious

5) Many women I've been on a first date with told me that they were very happy that I didn't bring up anything sexual or related to sex on the first date. Since a first date is about getting to know someone a bit and seeing if there is some chemistry, I wouldn't bring up the topic.

[exitseven]

All questions everyone wonders about but won't ask.

i had a first date with a girl. I invited her to my place and I was going to cook her dinner. We had a drink before dinner and she looked at me and asked" Are you looking to fall in love?" I was speechless for a second and said that i was not. I told her i just got out of a relationship and just want to go out on some dates.

[youngmix]

It sounds to me like a first date means a lot more to you than it does to me.
I'm not trying to get married any time soon, I'm trying to have fun. If we have fun, then we can figure out this other stuff along the way... WAY WAY WAY down the line.

But this question sounds like it was meant for people who are dating to settle down.

[purplepoppy]

Good take, but I'd have already found out his occupation, level of intelligence and probably education level before the actual date. Usually you'll have chatted a while before they ask if you want a date.
A simple "what do you do for a living" reveals income level and education" if you add on "how long" as someone who's flipped burgers for 5 years clearly isn't in a temporary job.

As for sex, that's like asking a dog if he likes walkies.

[ethanallen]

1. What is your credit score?

2. Have you paid off your car and paid off your mortgage?

3. Do you have herpes or hiv or hep c?

4. What is your net worth

5. How many times have you been divorced?

Bonus question? How many kids do you have and what are their ages?