Went on a 1st date, he accepted my offer to pay?

Question

I know I'm probably going to get some criticism for this question, but I met up with this guy from online dating for brunch, and it went really well. We had a really good conversation and I really liked him.

However when the bill came he put down his card, and I offered to split and he just shrugged and said "sure" (he also ordered something more expensive than me). It's not that I'm "using" him, I'm working full-time at a decent job so I'm definitely not strapped for cash. I was just a bit surprised because I've gone on a ton of 1st dates and usually the guys will wave it off and say not to worry about it when I offer.

He asked me out again but I'm slightly hesitant.. I don't know am I being too traditional? Or would other girls feel slightly weird about this?

lizziepooh03 · Accepted Answer

I did something similar but different on my very first online date. I went on my first date and when the check came, I did not reach for it. This is not normal for me. I am the person that picks up the check. And if people fight me over picking up the check, I am the person that wins the fight. But I did not do this here. I actively did not reach for the check.

I physically sat on my hands so I would not grab the check. It was a very awkward moment, I am sure for me and maybe for him.

I really did not understand why I did that. I just thought, if he pays then I know something good about him? I think?

I remember after that date I talked to one of my girlfriends and told her I went on a date from online. One of her first questions was, "Did he pay?". So even my friend thought it meant something. lol!

But as soon as my friend asked that question and I answered I knew it was so silly to do that. For one, it was against my nature and for two, what does it tell me if the guy picks up the check? Nothing.

Seriously, a guy picking up the check may indicate that this is a man that enjoys taking care of and protecting his lady but it could also be a guy doing it because it is expected of him or worse, a guy doing it because he is a people pleaser/doormat type guy that wants people to like him.

It really says nothing about the guy you are dating. If he picks up the check or not, says nothing about what kind of man he is.

I think what you need to ask yourself is why it bothered you. What is it that you thought it would mean if he choose to deny your offer to pay and choose to pay for all of it? What are other things besides if he pays that may be a better indicator of the values/character you are looking for in a man and look for those things.

What I discovered for me about this topic is a few things:

1) Don't do something that is outside my nature. If I usually pick up a check, then pick up the check.

2) Why I thought it meant something if he picked up the check is bogus. I can't tell anything about the person I am dating if they pick up the check or not. There are better indicators to watch for to find out if I am dating a good man or not.

3) With edating, you need a different mindset. Men are still expected to be the ones to initiate a date and pay for the date but in edating, most first dates will not lead to a second date so this is especially unfair to men. So cut the men some slack. Offer to pay and pay it willingly. It will be a very nice surprise.

Hidden_P · Accepted Answer

I take on board everything you've said.

However. And this next part is partly aimed at you and partly at the gender as a whole.

Why ask this question if you aren't bothered at least a small amount?

Men nowadays have a tough thing - do they pay in full, do the cheque dance, go Dutch, or let a woman be "independant" and "equal" and blah blah blah.

To be honest I feel sorry for men. You bitch if they do, you bitch if they don't, you bitch if they go down the middle.

Quite frankly if you couldn't afford to pay you shouldn't have offered full price. It was his responsibility (as the person who asked without upfront saying by the way I don't earn much or whatever) to take the potential full bill.

You might see that he pays for this date.

When I go out with my boyfriend, even at the beginning when I earned peanuts I offered to pay. He knew I earnt less than half what he earnt (he was on about £19,000 a year I was on about £6,000, he worked 40 hours a week I worked 60-80) and when he said no I felt a little guilty but also felt like a princess. Someone treating me to a meal.

Now, I officially earn nothing. Whatever my position before we go out I make it clear if I can or can't pay. It's the honest thing to do.

I think intentions should be made clear before the cheque comes.

TheFury · Accepted Answer

Your very confusing to me, when my fiance and I first began dating it was a pain in my ass to get him to allow me to pay for anything, it took me a long time to get it through to him that he didn't need to break his pockets to be with me, eventually I finally got him to ease up and now we take turns paying the tab. But you little miss thing I can't understand, you offered to split costs. Any rational person who offers it would be assumed they did intend to pay for their own cost or why else make the suggestion in the first place? I think that's why so many people are frustrated by your question because it's completely irrational and makes no sense what so ever therefore leaving hundreds of people scrating their heads in frustration over a question nobody can actually come up with an answer for. If you have the expectations of a man to pay for everything then never offer to pay. Me personally I've always been independent so I had to adjust to a man doing for me just as my fiance had to adjust to a woman doing for him as well. We compromised but as with your behavior I don't foresee any man finding compromise or middle ground with you as you seem to contradict yourself making you a person nobody can quite truly understand.

Kanoro · Accepted Answer

One thing I notice about women (and most don't realize themselves) is that a lot of you constantly test guys. If you OFFER to split then that's what guys will take it as. We'll take it at face value. She offered and I will make a decision based on that offer. It's like those guys who say they aren't looking for sex but then go home and bang a guy the same night or don't want a relationship and then a week later they have a boyfriend. Long story short, if you ask something or say something, that's what we'll think you mean. Guys are generally straightforward with their intentions and if you do things like that then you can expect a straightforward response.

RJGraveyTrain · Answer

In my opinion you're being too traditional. If you offer to pay your half, then you can't get upset that he says yes. He's likely assuming that by you asking, you are one of the MANY women who prefer to be equal, so he likely didn't want to offend you by INSISTING he pay, or he is totally down to be equal as well.

I wouldn't be hesitant whatsoever because I'm not of the mindset that because I have a vagina that guys have to pay for my time in the form of food and movie tickets.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Maybe he was worried that he would offend you if he didn't accept your offer. Guys are in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't position these days.

JudgmentDay · Answer

The way I see it is that I think separate checks are the best no matter what. You pay for what you ordered and ate including how much you want to tip, if you're even going to tip anyone at all.

And the same goes for myself.

I've had my fair share of getting burned by 2 of my friends that intentionally screwed me over with combined checks when they ordered something that cost much more than what I had ordered and then they also put in a much bigger tip than necessary. Then they ask me to pay them back in cash after the combined check had been submitted with a credit card charge, signature and tip. So these days I don't care who someone else is if they are going to dine out with me, the golden rule is we do separate checks or I'm leaving them there, because I got tired of getting fucked over by shady people like that. There are times I didn't even want to tip because the service there was just meh, but they would put everything in quickly and then ask me to pay the half of the bill later. Eventually I know that this is unfair to me and I had realized that I'm being ripped off because they are getting an easy discount on more expensive orders as I end up paying more than what I would have to pay if I only pay for my own order instead, and even if I had tipped. Eventually I ditched those shady friends of mines and cut them off permanently.

There's nothing weird about it. If the other person wants to be generous, then they will, let them pay the entire bill if that's what they insist. But if you want to be generous, I don't see why not, even if it was only for once or twice. Otherwise, just have separate checks when the bill comes due, so everyone just pays their fair share instead without nitpicking about it, or have thoughts about whom is being taking advantage of when the bill comes due.

3Didnt7say · Answer

I'm not trying to be rude but most female call themselves feminists 🙄 and they want equality but their version of equality is quit biased in their favour and it kinda sounds like you're one of those females (no offence). I mean if you didn't want to split the bill then its simple...' DO NOT FUCKIN' OFFER TO DO SO' i get that its kinda mandatory that a guy pays but don't offer to something just to seems nice when you're nor willing. If the tables where turned right now and lets say he offers to do the dishes and you take him up on his offer and he was to moan about it afterwards you'd expect everyone to be on your side and they probably will be but they most likely won't take his side in this situation (Sad/unfair but that's the world we live in) . So just for future reference if you want him to play for you with HIS money not your then don't offer shit if you're not willing to do it. Don't make it sound he HAD to pay instead coz you did him a favour when you agreed to go out with him, if its such as bother you could've said No. Hopefully i helped... Good luck.

Chris0516 · Answer

I actually encountered this kind of situation three weeks ago. I went to see a woman I really like. I told her I had to buy some groceries for the week that I stayed at her place. We went to the store together. She said I was her guest so she would pay for it. Because of that, I only paid for our 'outings', half the time. After I flew back, I talked to her on the phone about and told her I didn't pay for more than I did. Because I didn't think she would have wanted me to. On the phone I found out, that she wouldn't have minded.

So, I told her on my next visit, I would pay for every thing. She said she is perfectly fine with that.

As for being 'traditional' in your case. OTOH, it sounds like you are being too 'traditional'. ATST, it sounds like, he is giving you 'too much independence'.

What I mean by that, your expectation was that he would pay for the dinner (which at first he did, with his credit card). Yet, When you sort of insisted on 'going dutch', he was surprised but didn't want to argue with you.

Anonymous · Answer

This question has received the most responses I've ever seen! 236 so far, and counting! It must be a very sensitive subject.
Anyway, I'll put in my two cents too, and I won't split the bill ;-) haha...
Try him out a bit longer. If it turns out to be a usual thing with him, don't do it. It's ok to be traditional. But it's also great to know yourself and what you want. If it keeps bugging you, don't do it. Your relationship won't last. It seems like a small thing, but it's really an important matter. When guys are checking things out, I'd say it's fine although I really don't like it. But eventually he better start getting generous. Because a guy who keeps splitting the bill is either poor, vain, stupid, or worse stingy. I say worse because stingy doesn't stop with money. It extends to time, emotions, kindness, forgiveness, and not to mention the horde of mental disturbances such as OCD, depression, anxiety, and so on. Plus, if not any of the above, it might mean that he is modern and with the feminists on finances, and you happen to be traditional (which I think makes more sense anyway). As a result, he won't be good relationship material, at least not for you. So try him a couple of times, and if he remains that way, don't do it, because you will regret it your entire life.

Only_Women_Bleed · Answer

Don't offer to split the check ever again if you liked the guy.

Seriously, this is the dumbest thing that's discussed so much on this site.

Its an insult to grown men when you offer to split the check or pay on a first date.

These pussy ass guys who say otherwise have no clue what they're talking about.

Masculine men want to treat you. If you ask to split the check, some will see it as if you just weren't into him during the date (in which case you should offer to split if there will be no other dates).

This was a thing no one ever use to even think about.

Failing species.

xHoneyxBeex · Answer

If you didn't want to pay then why did you offer? It makes no sense to offer to pay for your half and then get upset that the other person accepts. If you really don't want to pay for yourself then don't go on a second date and find someone who shares your desire for more traditional gender roles.

hellionthesage · Answer

I think this pretty much proves the point that women don't want to have to pay no matter how much they claim otherwise. You offered he accepted that's on you. You don't offer unless its genuine, you cannot offer to do something then get upset when they accept that offer. I personally don't care if a womans traditional so long as she is fair about it i. e. I have to follow my traditional roles but so does she, it becomes an issue when she is traditional only when its convient for her that's when their is a problem. As for feeling weird again, women want the guy to pay stop pretending like you want things to be fair clearly you don't or you wouldn't be upset that he accepted your offer. Admit what you want and be willing to do what he wants so things are mutually beneficial and their should be no problem.

kakarotto · Answer

There is no need for this take. You already answered your own questions in your take.
Your "hesitation" feeling is enough proof that this is not a man for you and you want a man who will disregard your offer and insist on paying.
Please do not date that man again for both your sakes.
You deserve a man who will look at "selective" equality and perceive it as that is what a "real" man should do.
He deserves a lady who is simply a more mature human being than you are.
So again, do not date that man again, leave him alone even if he is the one asking you out again.
If he asks you out again and you felt like saying yes, the only case where YOU would deserve to date him again is if you show him this take of yours and how you felt and how you are asking people.
If he sees this post of yours and does not change his mind about dating you again then go ahead.

worldscolide · Answer

Women please figure out what you want. Do you want chivalry? ok be ok with him paying, Do you want equality? Then when you offer to pay dont take offense when he says ok.

That having been said, if you expectation was that he would pay, then dont offer. I would have done the same thing in his shoes, id have been like, hey cool less money i am shelling out. Men are literal, you offered to pay for your half, he took it as literally, "Im going to pay my portion" He did not know he should have paid anyway. This is your fault not his.

Odonti · Answer

I don't see anything wrong with it. I usually prefer to pay for my half at least especially on a first date. I usually feel uncomfortable letting a guy pay for everything primarily because I can afford to pay myself and don't want all the pressure to be on them. He might have been trying to respect that you are an independent woman who feels like I do.

But seriously, don't offer if you are uncomfortable with it because it throws mixed signals his way. Not really fair. And yes it is ok if you are more traditional and feel uncomfortable paying.

ThisDudeHere · Answer

How about you be the adult you are and owe up to your decision. You offered to split - accept the consequences of your choice. If you don't like splitting then why the hell even offer it? If anything, that guy is a keeper since he doesn't have any insecurities about his masculinity over spending money.

Sadly_It_Fell_Off · Answer

Well you kinda set the tone for it because he put his card down and then you offered to split the bill as a decent thing to do but fully expecting him to reject your offer. Lesson learned. Only offer to split the bill if that is what you genuinely want to do. There is no unspoken rule that a guy must reject your offer to split the bill. Secondly, you hit it off really well and there is clear interest from him. He may think you're a drop of fresh air, modern and doing it for yourself with the approach that you took. He could turn out to be a keeper as from the description, he seems very unassuming. He too may thought it unusual that you offered but equally found it refreshing and positive that you even bothered. Go on another date and see how it goes - there is nothing to lose from meeting up one more time.

BuchitaBuchys · Answer

Good grief, I feel sorry for men.

Why offer if you didn't mean? Don't "test" people you're interested in! Why do so many girls, take note I said girls as women don't do it this, like to "test" guys?

Had he said no, then you'd have complained that he didn't take your "independent" self seriously.
And now that he let you, of course it's making you hesitate.

Next time, don't offer if you don't mean it. Save the poor guy some judgement

TheDevilInside · Answer

Seems like you're confused yourself. He was just being logical and rational, and apparently is not a traditional guy. You, how ever, seem to be confused. On one Hand you want to be modern and show him you don't need him, on the other Hand when he accepted that fact about you, you get all pussy and doubtful. Really. Make up your mind of what Kind of girl you want to be, and stick with it. Don't make the poor guy more confused.

MagiAlphaOne · Answer

I'm 56 years. old. Over the years I have watched Chivalry deteriorate. You are living in an age that values "traditional values" LESS.

When I was a teenager I watched the emergence of the Women's Liberation Movement (1970s). Today, women are behaving more like Men. Also, women even have MORE tattoos and piercings than Men!

Check out this short video about splitting the bill.

Tarvold · Answer

Why the fuck did you insist on paying if you didn't mean it?

If he insisted, then you'd think that he's controlling. If he didn't offer to pay first, you'd think he's cheap. Now that he offered first, but then accepted your insistence to pay AND he followed it up with asking you to another thing... you're making up excuses to blame him. The poor guy didn't stand a chance did he?

The problem is with you, not him.

SaltAndLime · Answer

I think he was trying to keep you comfortable. When he placed his card down he was expecting to pay. When you asked to split I think he agreed because he's aware some woman prefer that. He did the right thing and now it's up to you if you offer again. Or maybe ask him out for a desert or snack and say "my treat" when you ask him...

ladsin · Answer

Why would you offer to pay and then get upset when they let you?
That seems asinine. "I told my boss I would work on Saturday and then he said ok." "I told my mom I would go shopping with her on Tuesday and she said yes!"

Does that not seem a little weird?

Went on a 1st date, he accepted my offer to pay?

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