Why did he make me pay for drinks on our first date?

Question

Met a 39 year old man on a dating app tonight after a week of talking. He comes from a well-to-do family etc and seemed a lovely guy. However I didn’t really get the best impression when tonight I was waiting for him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was actually inside drinking his pint! I ordered my drink and then barman told me the amount.. at which point the guy I was with said he needed the toilet so off he went and I paid for my drink. Conversation was boring he asked me nothing about myself and spent the whole evening telling about himself and his work and hobbies etc.
We sat on two uncomfy bar stools not even at a booth and there were loads spare. He asked me if I was having another drink I said I’ll have one more Gin & Tonic actually.. he said “Mines a pint!!!” I couldn’t believe it... so I paid for his and my drinks!! I don’t expect much but it’s nice to treat the lady to a drink if you have asked her out!! He asked me where I live and he said oh I go that way home too. I just couldn’t believe him and its safe to say I’m not surprised he’s single and I will not be seeing him again. But why did he behave like this?

BenzyLove · Accepted Answer

He's not interested in you. From what it sounds like he's sounds very narcissistic and very entitled. I just want to ask, who asked whom on the date first? Did you ask him to go out on a date or did he ask you? Considering that he's from a well-to-do family, paying the bill shouldn't have been an issue for him. I believe that, if a man asks you out on a date then he should pay. Also, I think that when you saw him inside drinking a pint, I would have told him that that was very inconsiderate of him and I was expecting him to be outside waiting for me, and then I would have left. A lot of these well-to-do men have no sense of reality, and they're used to treating people with no regard. Had you left him at the bar by himself , you would have signaled to him that you won't be treated that way and you demand respect. Because you stayed after waiting for him and decided to continue on with the date, you unintentionally signaled to him that it was okay for him to do that when it wasn't. Also, ladies, when a man says that he needs to use the restroom, when the bill come to the table, that is a huge red flag. It signals that he is cheap, and that you aren't worth spending money on. Also, when you paid for his drinks, you signaled to him that if you guys were to go out on a second date, he would expect you to pay, because you did it on the first date. I personally would have looked at him until he paid the bill. Men like him need to be reprimanded for their behavior. As you said in your statement, now you see why there's a reason why he single. He does this all the time, and the sad thing is a lot of women accept it, which is why he keeps doing it. If you reprimand him for his behavior oh, he's going to look at you and think " wow, no one's ever spoken 2 me like this before" and he will respect you, because you called him out on his BS , when there are people in his life who probably won't do that. I'm sorry that happened to you. Ladies, know your worth. Trust me, I've struggled with self-esteem issues for a very long time ( not saying that you are) but now I've come to a point in my life where I demand respect, and I'm given it.

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

Wow. There’s no excuse for his rude and inconsiderate behavior. Drop him and find someone better.

Levin · Accepted Answer

Sounds like a cunt to me. Maybe better vetting is in order in your original communications on these apps. If they're boring on the app, they're going to be boring in real life.

My colleague always says, how did rich people get to be rich? Well, they're tight arses, most of the time. They don't spend money!

yashkashyap3011 · Accepted Answer

Firstly, I dont think that the guy was really in a mood of dating. because usually a guy pays the bill for both out of courtesy.
Secondly, the guy talked only about himself could mean that either he had no experience of dating or he was really bad at it.

WalsallGuy90 · Answer

You've dodged a bullet there. It sounds like the guy was a complete prick. While I agree with others that there's nothing wrong with women paying their way, and in fact I'd say that's the normal thing to do after a few dates, at least at first he should have been courteous and been the gentleman, offering to pay for drinks and generally acting like a decent human being. There's plenty of time for equality later, but when first impressions are on the line and it's a first date then he should have gone all out to make you feel valued and good about yourself, asked questions about you, and not made it all about him.

Still, if that's what he's really like, then it's better that he's revealed it now rather than you going on a few dates with him where he puts on a 'decent guy' act and then you find out what he's really like a few weeks down the line. It's better to find someone who'll be the good guy on the first date, and then carry on being that type of guy because he really is a good person. Chalk this one up to experience, and if he asks for a second date, don't even give him the time of day.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm sorry, hon, but he behaved like this because you "let" him. There are too many guys in the world who are gold diggers and will take advantage of a woman and get as much out of her as possible, if he thinks he can get away with it.

I know women are "trained", from when we're little girls, to always be nice and not complain or speak up for ourselves but there are too many people who will use and abuse us if we don't speak up.

Whoever asks the other person out is the one who usually pays. I would have said to him: "I'm sorry but I didn't bring any money. You asked me out so I figured you'd pay."

I could go on but instead, I'll recommend you read one of Josette Sona's books. They taught me so much because I used to be like you, too - just treated like a doormat and taken for granted.
I'm still a nice person but I know how to speak up for myself and not let people walk all over me. It changed my life. :)

(I'm glad you didn't have sex with him. That usually comes after drinking alcohol. That's why so many men ask a woman out "for drinks" - or he offers her wine/a cocktail before dinner. The alcohol goes right to her brain! Then she has sex with him and regrets it the next morning! It's not worth it!!) :)

PeacefulRainDrop · Answer

I hate it when guys think you owe them.. like you were suppose to be drooling over him.. the way he talked about himself not wanting to get to know you shows he just wanted free drinks.. I would have paid for my own when he went to the bathroom and when he came back Id say hey nice meeting you have a nice day.. let him pay his own tab.. its different if he offers to pay or says hey id like to go on a date but I hit a rough patch can you pay? If nothing is stated about money I just my side odd time I may pay both just depends

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Indeed, that looks slightly off the road to me.
But then... imagine: if the roles were reversed - ...
it's nothing too unusual to experience to us men.
I guess, his social manners don't follow 'tradition' and if that's what you 'are after' yourself, it's better to find out early that there is no common basis.
The detail that irritates ME is, that he did not wait for you with his own first drink; to me it indicates that right from the beginning he did not have high expectations from your meeting.

BrittBratt2416 · Answer

Because he wasn't really interested in the date and didn't see you as a prize. That's why I tell people to avoid online dating cause a lot people just don't take it seriously. When men do this, they don't see you as worthy to get to know or take you on a decent date and instead they want to be the one treated like the woman. That's how a lot of men think today, cause paying for a date these days equals paying for mortgage bill to a lot them. Just avoid these men, when a man is really interested in you- he will show it and not throw a bitch fit about paying for a date he asked for okay... so delete that app and start meeting dude in the real world.

yucychan · Answer

I get what you mean.
There are some people who are just like that, there's no rational explanation to their actions, other than them being a cheapskate who don't want to fork out a single cent for their own expenditure. And to be clear, I am referring to both genders. I usually go dutch on first dates, even though the guy is the one that ask me out. Or sometimes I pay for both.
But costs aside, it's very clear that he asked you out not because he liked you or anything, but just because he wants someone to pick up the tab after him. He's not even interested to know you as a human being.
Just treat it as a slight misfortune and bad luck that you have to meet such a person.

JKingOff · Answer

Did you look like your pictures. My motto is usually to pay for the first date if I'm the one that asked her out, and picked the place. However if we meet in person and she doesn't look anything like she did in her pictures then she's buying my drinks until she does. Lol

jmorris86 · Answer

Call me old school but I believe in chivalry. Women should be treated with respect. Open doors, pull out chairs, etc. I take my daughter to the daddy daughter dance every year and I use that to teach her how she should be treated when she is of dating age. I open all doors, take her jacket off in the restaurant, pull out her chair, the works all the while explaining to her when you do eventually date a guy if he doesn't do these things then he isn't worth your time. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high with the way boys act these days but I won't have my daughter be disrespected.

lernulo · Answer

Wowww... I'm surprised of this...
I know a typical narcissist modus operandi is to create a great interest about themselves and after make you pay for being with them.
But on this case, I think he lost your interest, may be because he didn't draw well his image.

On my opinion, he behaved this way because he thought he could make that to you.

About your form of acting, it was really good about choosing.

Normal is that he to be interested on you and ask for things to make together.

Your alarm when he didn't ask you anything about yourself was really well adjusted, it's the type of things you should look on a date.

About the second moment when you "invited" , he catched you, but don't worry... There will be more opportunities and you can learn for the next.

By general rule, men will pay or they will share, what he did was very ugly.

AdithyaR · Answer

I didn't like the fact that he only talked about himself, shows he's self absorbed. He didn't wait for you, another minus point.
But the payment thing, I believe dates should be split bills. My girlfriend always insists on having our bills split, even when we met for out first date. So that's not a big issue, but it was kinda of a dick move that he made you pay for his too.

Busybee1111 · Answer

This sounds like his heart wasn't in it from the start. There is a part of me that wonders if he was testing you a little. You say he's from a well to do family... maybe he has had women take advantage of this before if he has a bit of cash etc. I'm not saying you would do that, I just mean, maybe he wanted to see if you were out with him for the right reasons? I'm just guessing of course and not excusing this behaviour in anyway as he should go into each date at least with the intention of treating the woman with respect.
It's not just the money issue anyway, it's everything else... he didn't have the manners to wait for you and actually want to get to know you during conversation etc so try and not overthink it too much. Be glad he showed you who is on date one rather than a few dates or months down the road. Next!

Reaperbot666 · Answer

Dunno what this guy was doing.

But I tend to ask for separate checks. when I am going out with someone new for the first time. However I do make it a point to tell my date about this ahead of time. When were planning where to go. But I also don’t tend to pick or go to high end places to eat either. Not saying I go get fast food or take out for a date though. Just a nice simple sit down place. Where we can talk and get to know each other better.

If we start seeing each other more then just once. I will be more then happy to pay. So long as it does not break the bank so to speak. Yes I have a good job and all. But I am not planning on spending most of my hard earned money. On someone that just wants a free meal or two.

Daniela1982 · Answer

There is a sucker born every minute according to PT Barnum of circus fame. You proved his point. Usually either the guys buys or you each pay for your own. I don't know if you were hard up for a date or what, but if it were me I would have walked out early as this guy was strictly into himself.

devilish-cutie · Answer

thats like asking why some people kill other people... well they just be like that you know
you can go in his psychology and life experience behind that but why bother
there are all sort of terrible people out there
nothing new
good he showed you his true colors from the get go, imagnie he was some manipultaor that made you think he was flowers when instead he was an ass like that?
and who cares about drinks, like he was bad alltogether

Dihiya · Answer

He is either germen, Swedish, finish... ETC (cultural thing), or juste a tightfisted person (and there is nothing wrong with wanting/expecting him to pay since it's basic manners and something a gentlemen and generous guy would do, were i'm from for exemple men always pay for their girlfriend/wives/dates)

mamasan · Answer

I don't have a problem with him having you pay for your own drink (s), but it is lame that he ordered a pint and just assumed you would pay for it. So yes, it's a crappy move on his part, but it doesn't sound like you're interested in the guy anyway. At least you didn't waste too much of your time :)

Screenwriter · Answer

You paid for your first drink. Why pay for his? Next time, make it clear you're going Dutch for a first meeting, no matter who asked whom. You'll avoid this. Plus, you were not having a good time when he proposed a second drink. Why stay? What made you think you needed to pay his tab? Granted, he was exceptionally rude, and you were surprized. But, now that this has happened, you know what to avoid. And exit EARLIER! He was a man, just a self-centered one.

Shuri · Answer

Sounds like you were just something to occupy his night. He didn't really seem all that into you from the start. He sounds very into himself, actually, which is a huge turn off regardless of gender. You dodged a bullet.

I'm surprised you paid for his drink. I would've told him to buy his own.

buttcrackjoe · Answer

Lol i was on his side until he said “mines a pint!” That’s hysterical and sad of him.

My similar first date is I arrived early at a brewery, got a flight (sample of beers) proceeded to pre-game (get slightly buzzed before meeting her).

I paid for mine she paid for hers no big deal.

Had we arrived together I definitely would have paid for both of us.

I have paid for dinner first dates even when I have no intention of seeing them again.

I guess it makes me feel less of a jerk when I give them that awkward “sorry didn't feel a connection” text

Why did he make me pay for drinks on our first date?

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