Should men put in more effort into dating and relationships than women?

[Anonymous]

Updates

+1 y

More opinions please.

[Cruciatusdeatheater]

Have you been in a relationship before? If so, those are some pretty not okay relationships. From my own experience and seeing friends in their relationships, males put in more effort than females because of the standards that traditional gender roles impose. The male is supposed to do the best he can to provide for his partner. It's usually a one way street, but I would prefer if it were two way. It is, in my current relationship, however, gender roles are drilled into my brain so I'm stubborn when it comes to things like her paying for food or whatever, ya know? That's about the only thing gender roles have seriously impacted me on. She, on the other hand, is all for the 50/50 thing. I'm alright with that. She's my strength when I'm weak and vice versa.

[OlderAndWiser]

There aren't "rules" requiring men to date at all and there certainly aren't rules requiring that they make any minimal efforts. The real question is how does the amount of effort that a person contributes relate to the results they obtain from dating.

As for comparing the genders, that is rarely useful. The things that men do to date effectively are certainly different from the things that women do to date effectively. IF you could compare the amount of effort involved in the two different sets of activities, how would you use the information you got from the comparison?

[Emiko]

And so thou lives up to the name

[AlexanderMTW]

I second that.

[HaveQuestions]

Dead on, Sir. How would you operationally define "effort" for each gender in order to measure it accurately? There's the first problem, yes. Can you define it in such a way that you are not artificially defeating the purpose of measurement? What if only 5 out of 100 men buy flowers every Friday? Well, that doesn't work with statistics or measurement, you're an outlier. That effort skews the numbers & must be eliminated. Far too much variation both within & across gender to define in any valid, reliable, or generalizable way.

Your second point is just as important, it's that application of info. Once you've reduced people to numbers, ratios of "types of effort," how do you match them? What if I love being surprised, but not on next Wed because I have a random phone call to do?

Bottom line. For stuff like "effort" in a relationship, for the love of individuality (!), pls let people be themselves. You may like to give presents, his morning coffee for you may be his effort. Live it.

[HaveQuestions]

Side note- I'd recommend people read John Gottmans work. He is the closest anyone has come to answering this question.

[OlderAndWiser]

@HaveQuestions Exactly! These kind of questions seem to feed the mentality of the MGTOW crowd or the hostile feminists. Who needs that?

[HaveQuestions]

Indeed. As soon as over generalization happens, theories no longer stand. It's a higher level question that shouldn't set up a false dichotomy. This is not "who should do more," it's how do individuals do the best to build what works? Scorecards in relationships are about as effective as bandaids for bullet wounds. Any time a false division is the premise, there's already going to be inherent problems with the outcome. To truly get at this, you have to account for so much more variation. That's why I still stand by my statement, individuality matters most, and it has to be a lived experience. Even a person who has their definition of effort down to a science now, will alter and change over time. Time is, perhaps, the most powerful of all extraneous variables here. Just work on living your efforts the best you can, that's in and of itself is hard enough without someone else's ruler of "effort" slapping you on the wrist repeatedly.

[Cmasterson]

I think it takes both people to make an effort in order to have a functioning relationship and it's important not to keep score and how much value each "effort" is for example, a girl may cook dinner, and a guy might get her something material, its important not to put a value on those things and just appreciate it. If someone did something wrong n the relationship yes its important for the one who did something wrong to try to gain the trust back again but the other has to be open minded and not hold resentment.

[dragonfly6516]

They already do. The man is expected to approach and ask her out, expected to buy dinner, expected to make all the moves, pull out her chair, hold the door, walk her home, bring her flowers, but NOTHING is expected of us women!

Oh wait, we have gender equality now! That means it's OUR turn to do the asking AND the paying!

[admles]

You are amazing :)

[RJGraveyTrain]

No, because there's nothing more magical/disadvantaged about women that makes them deserving of having to put less effort into ANYTHING.

You want it? Work.
You need it? Work.
Don't have it? Work.

It goes for everyone, in everything.

[Djaaaay]

Opinion owner. What happens if you don't need to work and you're financially retired at a young age. ?

[RJGraveyTrain]

@Djaaaay What does that have to do with my opinion and the question? I am talking about relationships, not retirement. If you worked towards your retirement, good for you as far as I'm concerned.

[Djaaaay]

Opinion owner. Listen.. I'm talking about the same thing too. I kinda figuered you wouldn't see the corralation between the two. But not everyone has to work at a relationship the same sometimes. That's all I'm saying. Sometimes it takes more for one individual than the other to finally both come together.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I see what you're saying and I was in a similar situation, but I still don't believe it's entirely fair. It shouldn't be your gender that dictates your effort; both parties should put forth effort in relationships.

[YingKim]

(ﾉ^ヮ^) ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ This a great answer!

[RJGraveyTrain]

@YingKim

[Djaaaay]

Opinion owner. You're talking about equality , I'm talking about effectiveness. Two entirely different things. Efforts required differs from individual to individual. Trying to level the playing field with equality, doesn't address why one would have it harder or easier than the other. I see a lot of men jumping upvote who are upvoting cause of (equality ) issues they perceive that this is about. As far as effectiveness is concerned for either one side , different measures for one doesn't equate for the other because men and women are different in thier efffectivness towards each other.

[RJGraveyTrain]

@Djaaaay That's your opinion dude, I still disagree with you. Deal with it. Lol.

[Djaaaay]

Opinion owner. I guess I'll abort this convo , as you're defending equality issues instead.

[RJGraveyTrain]

@Djaaaay Yes, I am. Lol. Sorry if that bothers you but have a good day nonetheless and thanks for your input.

[Djaaaay]

Opinion owner. Don't get mad , doesn't bother me. I'm not having any relationship problems and never have. Just thought I could put some wisdom on the entirety of this question instead. To bad you're thinking mechanism is limited.. I'm out of here... bye

[RJGraveyTrain]

@Djaaaay I'm not at all mad. Lol. Like I said, thanks for the input.

[Brah63926]

I'm giving u the only dislike because girls like penis and need sex too

[Imhotep99]

Miss, do you think efforts can be measured? And also do you think there are and there should be rules for this?

[RJGraveyTrain]

@Brah63926 I never said otherwise lol. 😂😂

[RJGraveyTrain]

@Imhotep99 Effort is at the decision of the individuals in the relationship. Everyone shows love, affection and devotion in their own way so it can't be measured the same person to person. As for rules? You can't really put strict rules in place to dictate love and relationships, but you yourself can have expectations and standards.

[Imhotep99]

Right. Thanks.

[Anonymia]

There was a study done where researchers asked couples who were struggling to connect if they felt they were unloved or disrespected by their partner. Majority of women felt unloved and the majority of men felt disrespected. It goes to show there are fundemental differences in the work one puts into a relationship... maybe it doesn't matter how much work ones does, instead the type of work one puts into a relationship. That men should work to be as loving as possible and women as respectful as possible

[Mrwoo99]

No women have equality now so women are going to have to put out equal amount of effort in to dating and relationships. That means women like men have to start approaching men, initiating sex/relationship, asking men out to dinner and offering to pay for the mans meal or at least their own food.

If that doesn't sit well with you as fair then well that's your problem. I don't need you since I can just visit an escort that look like models... so plain Jane's like you will be casted out if you're not willing to invest.

Time to woman up sweetheart, there's no free pass for you in life because you have a vagina.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

The fuck kind of effort have you put into dating? Us guys are culturally forced to approach, ask for your number, ask you on a date, initiate sexual advances and sex... What more do you want from us?

Women should sincerely stop acting like entitled princesses thinking everything should be handed to them. Lazy cunts.

[Joti_Harrison]

Calm your tits bruh XD

I understand the frustration, but it's just freaking nature seeing as they have more to lose in a relationship, with pregnancy and all.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

@Joti_Harrison Isn't that more of a reason for the woman to hustle? If she really wants a long lasting relationship she should put the effort into it!

[Joti_Harrison]

lol quite frankly, most girls are lazy about their relationship life. And are quite glad when they find out that society allows them to be that way. This even makes them more relaxed about it.

But the good thing is that this makes you in charge of the relationship, since you get to call the shots, you make things happen, you decide when it's time for a date, you decide when she gets a kiss. You decide when it's time to make things official.

In essence you're the man. Girls are generally naturally submissive, it's in their nature to play along with you as they already believe you should be in charge. They might not admit it, but their body naturally and subconsciously want a man to "take charge". and it's not their fault that society is their enabler hehe

[Words_and_Wisdom]

@Joti_Harrison Well bullshit. Women aren't 'naturally' submissive. Behaviors are cultivated through whatever environment they're grown up in. They're submissive only because of how they're raised, mostly to blame 'princess' culture with fathers being overprotective of them.

And sure, you can argue that 'guys call the shots,' but if women never take initiative how the fuck would we know if they're actually interested in us? How would we know if they're willing to invest time and energy into us?

Only way to stop that is to stop putting women on pedestals and stop spoiling them. Stop giving them shit for free and make them work for it.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

If behaviors are 'natural,' we'd still be clocking women in the head with big clubs and raping them like cave men.

[Joti_Harrison]

I never put any girl on a pedestal lol. That is why there is something called doing your due diligence on a girl before approaching her. You test the waters to see what type of person she is whether via info from her friends or just basically talking to her as a friend.

If she is one of those princesses who wants everything on a silver platter, you skip her. Once she is tired of being single while all her friends who are average looking compared to her get dates, she'd learn how to struggle for what she wants in life.

Fortunately, society is changing with women wanting equality more and more. With this equity also comes responsibilities. Like actually getting off their butt's to start looking for the men they want. Sure it's a gradual change process, but it sure as hell is a lot better than my grandparents times when girls literally hud in the kitchen waiting for their lover to come find them there.

[Anonymous]

Nope... both should strive to make the other feel appreciated and values... desired and eventually loved. What both need to understand is that a lot of time the genders respond differently. What I find is that at least in our case we balance each other.. one may put out more effort at some points and then the other at other points. It all depends on the couple and how they work, what they want and what they are willing to do and to keep it, eventually you want to do whatever you can for them and them for you... in the beginning it all depends.

[MrWolf]

No because it turns bad. all the time.

I'd say it need's to be equal all the time.

You would ask why here is the thing!

First - He will seem like a beggar and it will feel annoying to him and to her.

Second - We do give more all the time.

Third - It's just sad to see a man who does this.

From actual and real experience it will mess up the guy's life to much.

It will be chaos and it will feel one sided.

[thierryMUG]

i think similar amounts of energy can be put but it would just be contributing in different ways. Like if he drives long distances to pick you up/ go places together, you could treat him to a meal. Or if he pays for meals you could offer to help him clean his place/ fold his laundry.

[Anonymous]

No they "shouldn't"...

Are they expected to by women, and in turn, society... YES!

But women expecting men to put more effort into dating and relationships is a narcissistic mindset where women believe they are "the prize" or their time is more valuable than a man's and therefore he should pay for it or work for it. This mentality is not only arrogant, it's completely wrong.

Women should be putting just as much or more, respect, time, effort, and money into a man as a man does a woman. Since a male is expected to put his life in danger for you at the first sign of any danger. A man is expected to work a harder job, and provide for you.

[lyannamormont]

I put more effort into dating takingh them out texting etc. what does change in my life? Nothing. Unfortunatelynit is not societal thing. Guys do set their minds into women who play hard to get mind games and in return put nothing but sex on table.

[lyannamormont]

by the way, by texting i mean once in every four five days as everyone has jobs and lives and i dont expect anyone to text me constantly like we ate 16. And i am by no means needy or a gold digger as i always pay sometimes for both of us if i invite guy to an expensive thing that he wouldn't do

[Opinion Owner]

@lyannamormont But (as a female) you have (and have been raised to have) an expectation that he should be subservient to you, that he should "as a gentleman" open doors for you, protect you if danger arises, pay for dates and other things. You also (as a female) have been raised to believe that if a male expects you to pay for him, that he is a deadbeat. If he doesn't protect you, he is a pussy. If he expects you to provide for yourself he is a loser.

These are not absolute statements, but they are generally part of how women are raised in this gynocentric world.

[lyannamormont]

That's what i am saying. I haven't been raised that way. So i am not a conventional lady. But guys dont like unconventional like me either because they're raised the way the expectations you mentioned should be met.

[boholotus]

damn I would never date a guy like u

[Opinion Owner]

@boholotus (Your shaming tactics noted).
But you not wanting to date "guys like me", it's completely fine with "guys like me".
Men don't want a spoiled entitled child that feels she deserves to be treated special, simply because she has a vagina.

www.youtube.com/watch

[boholotus]

u probably dont get laid

[Opinion Owner]

@boholotus Again with the shaming tactics.
https://i.imgur.com/GW8z3La.jpg

You obviously have nothing to offer the conversation. So we are done here.

[boholotus]

We should put as much respect, time, effort as man, not more. And as for money, we could, totally. But guys are the ones who put more, and plus they do more romantic things for us, because they know we melt, if we did the same romantic things for them, they would feel feminine, they would feel weird about it, not melt. I mean, if a girl gave you flowers, how would you feel? it's weird, guys aren't into that. But we know what could make a guy like you even more, but not melt. You know, the fuck that we girls can fuck anyone we want, because guys always say yes to sex, and the fact that there's waaay more demand for female prostitutes tells you something. You should put more effort on us. We won't go after you, you should go after us, try to make us melt. You want to be that guy who makes all girls melt and fall hard for you? And.. you want to get in her.. pants? well... then you'll have to make more effort than the girl. Gosh.

[boholotus]

The guy before i date my current boyfriend was pretty cold, not much romantic, not even generous when it comes to inviting me, so i didn't melt for him. But i thought he was hot as hell, and i knew he really wanted to make love to me. But even though he was very hot, the fact that he didn't make me melt, he didn't show me romantic gestures, made me want to make him wait more for sex. Then i realized i didn't want to have sex with him, he didn't make me feel strong emotions for him, so he didn't deserve it i thought. Later i met my current boyfriend, and he was SO fucking romantic, he invited me dinner, gave me gift (i did that too but not as much as him), he told me so many romantic things, he cooked for me ( i cooked for him later), he respect me. I was head over heels, he made me melt. I couldn't wait any longer, i let him make love to me, i want it, he made feel really strong emotions for him, i fell in love, so i thought he deserved it

[Opinion Owner]

@boholotus essentually what you are saying is that in order for a female to like a guy, he has to do things for her and buy her shit. That mentality is narcissistic and childish.

[boholotus]

Do things for me like i do for him, buy me things like i buy things for him. But, the man will put more effort, bc you're the one who chase the girl. Guys chase girls, guys take the lead... usually. Why? Because we live in a world, where women are prettier, women are the ones who decide if the guy will have sex with her, we're more emotional, we fall more for romantic guys. Men don't care if the girl gives him flowers for example. We like a guy who makes us melt. Someone who tells us romantic things, do romantic things for us. We can do that too, but guys aren't that much into that, they don't value that much. It's not about money, it's about romance, it's about the way you can express yourself. And plus... you know... we can fuck anyone we want... you guys can't, so if you want sex besides love, our price is... make us fall madly in love with you, make us melt with all the romantic things you can think of. That way, we'll give all our love, and let you anything you want with my body

[Opinion Owner]

@boholotus Men chase women because you hold the only thing we want and use it to control us. You use it as leverage to get things you want. You say it isn't about money it's about romance, but in order for a guy to give you romance he has to have and use money.

Yes you pick and choose when and who you fuck. But guys don't have to put up with the nonsense to get the one thing we want from women. We simply pay a professional and get it without all the extra bullshit... and in the long run it's cheaper.

[boholotus]

He doesn't have to have money, he has to be romantic, he has to tell me how he feels, he has to make me feel like a woman. And if he doesn't have much money, he can invite somewhere cheaper, and as for gifts, flowers are pretty cheap. Show some generosity gosh. If you care about the girl, you won't care about how much you spend. I love my boyfriend and i don't care that much about how expensive something is, i care about the value of what i bought. If i buy soccer tickets for him, i buy em bc i know he's worth it, and i don't buy em to show him i buy expensive things for him, i buy em to show him i care about him and want him to have fun, and i know he would like to go to the stadium. And ok.. if you're poor, then i'd be ok with not letting you pay more than me, but if you're not really poor, then don't be fucking selfish.

[Scooby225]

Not to sound like an ass. But when you look up nice things girls have done for their boyfriend/husband you get, cook him a meal, play with nerf guns, watch a movie he likes, free sexy time cards.

If you look up nice things guys have done for their girlfriends you get taking her to disney land, planet thousands of flowers blind girl friend so she can smell them. Buying her pets, buying her vehicles, builder her a house, cooking for her. Having flowers sent to her everyday.
It seems thay girl do nice things for their boyfriend/husband. While men do breathe taking things for their girlfriends/wife. I guess you could make an argument for child birth but...

[Anonymous]

man do more then enough and that's why so many of giving up+ become fuck boy's. however my girlfriend is perfect.. we go 50-50 on every thing we buy each other stuff and the only day i put in more work them her or her with me is when one of us is sick. and honestly after dating her if we ever broke up every girl after hear better live up to the standard she now set. i don't want a lazy stay at home wife with no dreams tot herself but to sit on her ass or live off of me, i don't want a girl who doesn't take the time to plan dates.. let's plan dates together and brain storm what we wanna do. cross shit off our list. support me when am going through a hard time and just wants me to be happy. you known your dating someone good when you put their happiness before your own and they do the same for u that way you both will be happu

[testament87]

NO!!! EQUAL EFFORT FROM BOTH PARTIES!!! I love the fact of my girlfriend putting in an equal effort in fact she goes beyond and even spends money on me she lives in Michigan and I live in NYC and we see each other once a month usually and I'm struggling with finding work and bills and despite that she buys me an airline ticket to come see her cause she wants to see me!!! She doesn't have to but she does because she loves me and she's 36 and I'm 21 and not saying money has to be involved but there should be an equal effort from both parties because otherwise one person will feel used and mistreated and if a guy sees that he will find another girl who is willing to put in an equal effort

[Moray]

I think, in order for a relationship to work, both parties need to put in the effort, a relationship isn't healthy and balanced with only men putting in more effort.
I do agree that guys could aspire to meet their SO's emotional needs etc. a bit better, but the overall effort has to come from both parties.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

A smart woman will only choose a man who puts a lot of effort into her. A guy who honestly and genuinely likes you has no problem putting effort into the relationship. If a guy makes excuses and is unwilling to do it, then he does not really like you and just wanted you around for convienience. When women smarten up and stop dealing with game players and excuse makers, they will see better men.

[vc1990]

So what exactly does the "smart" women bring into the relationship?

The man is expected to approach, ask you out, pay for your dates, make all the moves, be chivalrous. The list goes on...

Where is the gender equality that women fight for? For women to have the same rights and also to share the same roles as men (including the ones where it does not benefit the men)

Or is your definition of equality different to mine?

[Goodnightcharlie]

Are you talking about tge romatic pursuing? If it is the pursuing part... I let my boyfriend take the lead. I reciprocated equally though. Now I lead sometimes he leads sometimes it's pretty equal all the way around in my opinion.

if you are talking about the relationship as a whole no. You should give and take equally as possible.

[Sweetsara27]

No it should be both of them putting in a the effort in the relationship from my experiences I was the one putting in more effort then the guys that I was dating and it just ends up making the you feel like that person doesn't want to be with you anymore or did something wrong to all of sudden change. I'm also actually just taking a break from dating for this reason but I wouldn't mind dating a guy in the future that puts in the effort when we date.

[AleDeEurope]

No. That's how you end up single and whining about where the good men are left. Umm you probably have had at least 1 good man, you just ruined it being a lazy ***** xD

[SarahsSummer]

Relationships should be 50-50 but not the same 50/50 every day. Some days it'll be 70/30 and other times it'll be 30/70 but it has to ebb and flow. If one is constantly putting in more, resentment will occur and the relationship will fall apart.

[Anonymous]

I believe so. I always show effort and go buying but I would love for my boyfriend to some effort and go further than I have gone. Especially when we were friends and he talked about the things he has done for girls he dated and we're in a relationship with.. me as his friend, it made me jealous... like they had this guy go all out for them and they never appreciated him.. and they didn't do anything to deserve it. I had to pick him up emotionally.

I think a guy should always show extra effort for the girl he is with. the girl showed also show efforts.

[DanReynolds]

The question was should men put more effort in that women. You believe men should put in more effort than their partners because they're men?

[Opinion Owner]

men should always do the chasing. if he doesn't show more effort than that's just mean he's not that into her. that's how men show their interest by going beyond and more. my dad did. My boyfriend did with his past relationships.. it's how men should be.

[Opinion Owner]

@DanReynolds

[DanReynolds]

So men should show love by giving more than they receive and women show their love by taking more than they give? Thats not love... What if it was the other way. Women should give and do more because their women.

[DanReynolds]

Exactly

[Opinion Owner]

Oh I'm sorry lmao I have a life to attend to. this app is for OPINIONS. don't agree with mine? thumb down me... a man should match a woman's effort and exceed her efforts. that's what men do if they love you and if tbey are interested, they'll go beyond with what they can. @DanReynolds

[cth96190]

WTF!
We are expected to make the approach.
We are expected to initiate all levels of intimacy.
We are expected to pay for everything.
Now you want us to 'put in more effort'.
Go away.

[AnayaWilliams]

The effort should be about the same. They both need to put in the same amount of effort no one can do all of the work.

[Anonymous]

I think that both side already put effort in two different ways, it's just the things that guys do we can usually notice, unlike girls! We do things secretly just the fact that she's making her self pretty for you, it takes time for us and also money... and we also put effort in giving a guy we like time and caring about him the same way he does or even more.
Efforts is not only about paying a drink or dinner for her, it's something deeper than that, and I think that both sides work for it.