Why would a guy choose a "bad bitch" over a sweet, innocent girl?

[Sweetascandy1990]

I had a guy tell me that he likes "bad bitches" and I was too sweet for him and weak and mousey. He made me feel like I was boring. What's a "bad bitch" anyway? He didn't like that I was soft-spoken either. He made me feel like everything was wrong with me.

That stayed with me for a long time though. He likes a girl with a tough personality. I'm not a party person nor I drink. I actually like going to church. I'm in graduate school, so I'm trying to better myself yet I wasn't good enough for him. I'm trying to live the best life that I can :-) I have a really big heart and treated him very well... royalty treatment lol.

The men I have met in my past still give me headaches just remembering how horrible they treated me. I'm a different person now... I don't let anyone treat me bad anymore or like a doormat.

A guy's perspective would be appreciated... thanks! :-)

[lightbulb27]

I like strong and confident women as well. That is sexy isn't it... who on either side m/f wants to mate with someone meek... can't hold their ground, not confident, isn't there. What is going on with this guy is not known. Maybe he grew up with that tough woman as mom, so that is what he is drawn to.

some guesses. you are a sensitive person, you took some childhood wounds that make you feel not powerful and meek, so that is who you are. You've resolved some of that and go to church, and church LOVES meek people and feels comfy. This is one of the biggest flaws to church I see... people hide their wounds behind a mask of Godliness when in fact, they are the walking wounded emotionally. It takes years, if ever, to fix that stuff.

Here's the thing... you can be "mellow" but be confident, and strong, and sexy, and a woman. I've been with people like that. That is an emotional strength, which is confidence, self worth, self diginity, self esteem. That is what needs some repair... guess!

I am working on a church based program that addresses that need. It's being used, it works. All the info is out there to heal the soul, just gotta do the work.

[Sweetascandy1990]

I feel like I'm stronger person now with all I've been through. I need work on the confidence though. Actually he would compare my personality to his mom... she was very sweet and nurturing. This guy was abusive and mean and how he said came off cruel and compare me to these "bad bitches" in the streets. He didn't want me, but didn't want to let me go

I'm definitely trying to heal. Thanks for your helpful reply :-)

[lightbulb27]

My gut says he was interested, and you could have won him over. It almost sounds like he was paying the womans roll... bitch testing you so to speak. you could have some good long discussions with him to dig into what is really going on.

There's a whole psychology to how attraction works, amazing thing going on between you and him that would be fun to explore. you're "with all I've been through" and him... in effect pushing away his mother, the one he loves, but hurts... which he projected onto you.

Glad to hear! We are all works in process and refinement. Take the opportunity out of this one... as it sounds like it hurt a bit... to process those feelings and resolve the roots that feet those emotions.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Well he was a narcissist. I don't know if I could have won him over. I wish I could have been what he wanted because I fell for the guy he showed me in the beginning. He made me fall for him and then abused me and made me feel like trash. I'm still hurting from this and trauma bonded. I still love him. The bruises and marks are gone, but his hurtful words and verbal abuse still hurt me. It made feel like he only treated me bad and treat others well... those bad bitches he desired. He really broke my heart💔

[lightbulb27]

So sorry, I know this path. Why do you say he was a narc, have you read the book..."stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Fjeldstad? A good read on that subject.
I went through that, you can heal, those words are powerful and they are... from those personalities... intended to control. There hare huge fruits of value in this if you take time to process it. It is the internal growth you need.
This is a problem with us caretaker/empathic people. We draw that personality becasue that is what they need... to suck the love out of us and control us so we take care of them. It's a painful path.. be glad he's gone, but you must take on the "you" part of this, learn, and grow. that is the value.
I am sorry though, wouldn't wish the pain on anyone... and there are more of them out there these days...

[Sweetascandy1990]

Yeah I agree there are more of them now. He was my second narc. My therapist told me he was a narc. He was the most selfish person I ever met... very full of himself. He would hurt and gaslighted to think I was the crazy one that hurted him. I was very submissive and weak. I wish I was a bad bitch... maybe he would have respected me. I will definetly check that book out. Anything to help me heal is great :-)

[lightbulb27]

@Sweetascandy1990 Read that book then lets discuss. The key points are realizing the issues. I tis good you have a counselor and I hope can help you clear up and resolve the traumas of your past. That is the root issue to resolve so you can draw better people. When you feel better, are stronger emotionally, you will... and maybe you are there now. The other thing is to learn to identify and filter narcs/borderline personalities sooner... because being a caring person, they will be drawn to you.

[lightbulb27]

@Sweetascandy1990 the course I'm working on is a set of tools to help navigate through yourself and resolve issues that are impacdting your life. this one be one example... probably multiple traumas impacted you, causing you to then get drawn into more traumas. It's a cycle until it gets cleared up.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thank you so much!! I will read during my summer break in a couple of months!! I'm trying to understand all of this. I really miss him and I guess I'm trauma bonded. I have this want to go back to him. I saw his social media and he is holding a liquor bottle near his crotch like in a sexual pose. He's gone wild and happy with other girls. I meant nothing to him and I gave him my all. I'm trying the best I can to let go and heal <3

[lightbulb27]

Some of this is normal female psychology, as I read it. Girls are drawn to certain male characteristics... that says male, that's thousands of years of social/emotional programming. It may be hard to see and understand yourself, thus external perspective of counselor, friends, family can help see that it isn't "love".
That emotional desire... is rooted in... well... sub conscious emotions:) It isn't "you" making the decisions to want him, it is the deeper emotions and female psychology. It says to me you didn't have a good father figure that built up your self esteem. If you did, I'm thinking you'd be less likely to be drawn in by his behavior. True?

[Sweetascandy1990]

Yeah. My dad was horrible just like him and my mom is still with my dad. My dad tried to kill me and my mom with a pointed gun. He chased us down the street. I witnessed domestic violence as a kid.
This guy wasn't even my boyfriend and he never even kissed me. He just led me on that we were going to be something special and than he rejected me and turned into a monster. There was a strong emotional and addictive pull to him eventhough he was the devil. I tried to help him and the more I did, the more he disrespected me. He would always compare me, called my school to try to get me kicked out, send 14 dick pics to my mom and wanted to have sex with her, would beat me up and almost killed me, the list goes on how terrible he was.
My dad is now a preacher, but I have a hard time speaking to him. Both of my parents were physically abusive to me as well. I never felt loved by my parents, especially my dad nor by anyone 💔
It's horrible that I still want him. I think it is subconscious as well like you said. I never had a chance with him, so I feel not good enough. He called me ugly and fat, so I'm very insecure now, but I never looked this good in my life... he motivated. I don't let anyone disrespect me either... I make sure to speak up. Confidence and more healing is what I'm working now and working with my therapist to never go back.

[lightbulb27]

WOW! I'm so glad you are sharing this and it is the power of GAG. I'm heavily involved in this and working with someone to launch their program to help people heal from such abuse like you received.
I have the inspiration to write a book and some of it started. Suffice to say... you are affirming what I learned about how attraction works. It is the "familiar" that we are drawn to at a sub conscious level. The dad has a powerful influence on daughter. What happened is you received emotionally impacting events as a child, those are stored in your mind and body. The fact they were not of love, that is God, is unfortunate. We as people, store them anyway... and that is what controls us. So, when you go out and about, we pick out familiar, and it is drawn to us. That is where we get those feeligns from... deep inside... it is saying "I know this person", that pull is towards your father, the known. And you end up encountering a guy with deep wounds just like him. He wouldn't love you any better than your father did. That's how I understand the psychology, and I'm not a psychologist, but I've had my head in this domain for a while figuring it out.

So... what you are doing is essential. Healing those deep emotions that are in fact... lies. Point being, you were made perfect, with love, inspired by love (Gods design), and you have value beyond the trauma. You are not the trauma, but you experienced it. So re-working those old wounds and releasing them, adjunct curses, and other stuff that accumulated is how you release yourself from "bondage" to the sin put upon you. And that is what happened to your parents too, they need the same... it's generational sin passed down. there's some great and helpful tools for doing all this, I'm working with a trauma counselor to help bring a program forward to train other counselors to heal people. It's very exciting.
Healing the underlying emotions is the ticket.

[lightbulb27]

Can you share what tools, methods your counselor is using to help you get past. My experience with counselors is there was limited work and effort put into healing the past, and so the problems keep rolling forward.

Also, is it one on one or group? Experience here is that group counseling is more effective...
You can do it, you can heal.
See how... when we dig into these GAG questions, stuff opens up underneath them that is the real driver. This guy... it is all about you and your healing. It may be about his healing as well, but what is important is that God... that is love... delivered someone to you that exposed deep stuff so that it can be healed. God is at work in you! That is worth smiling about!:)

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thanks for all this info.! I'm receiving individual therapy and she has her doctorate in psychology... she's a Christian clinical psychologist. We do EMDR as the evidence-based practice intervention.

This guy also witness domestic violence... dad was abusive to the mother right in front of him. His mom is just like me... sweet, nurturing, too forgiving and not outspoken... although I'm changing that. He manipulates the family. In fact, I had the grandma call me 2 months ago... I know it was him putting her up to it so I can go back.

This is all good works you are doing. I appreciate the help and you reading my story/experiences and not judging!! :-)

[Sweetascandy1990]

Yes, God is good!! :-)

[lightbulb27]

Let me know how the EMDR works.
yea.. this is guy is doing the same thing he witnessed dad do to mom, he's repeating the behavior demonstrated to him that was emotionally tramatic to him. That is his version of "love". It will take decades to play out if he deson't get counseling himself... and he may not even think he needs it. his next girl gonna suffer as are his offspring unless someone decides to break the chain reaction. This should really be crystal clear to you now!!!
The tools we are working on are real world based, but with Christian

Bulb... out.. until/unless you want to let me know how the EMDR goes over time. Question is if it helps you heal from your early trauma so it no longer controls and breaks that draw to a sick man and instead go for one that expresses love in a healthy way. If not, there are some other Christian based approaches targeted to do that.
You are welcome!

[ChiTown33]

He likes wondering if he's going to get a hug and a peck on the cheek or a shank to the neck apparently. Assuming he has long term plans which i'm guessing he doesn't based on the women he chooses. He learn after the first few break him financially. Or maybe he just won't learn. Lol

[Anonymous]

Don't think yourself down. Think most guys love sweet girls. I'm a sweet one and I have had two guys in the age of 16 that really enjoyed and was attracted to that side of me. My friend who had a crush on one of the guys is more of a bad bitch, but he always rejected her and said she should be more like me. So you had that experience, she had the opposite. She shouldn't feel bad about herself, and you shouldn't either.

[btbc92]

That guy like 'wild sex', expects it if he is a virgin, and because they assume innocent girls are boring and have nothing to offer. Guys like that are not somebody you want to pursue. So don't change who you are over a jerk. There are sweet guys who would love to be with you. Stop trying to please such guys like that. You deserve better. Don't settle. I had got the same treatment too.

[Nivinxus]

Because that is his preference. Every guy has a particular personality and/or other preferences he gravitates towards to. Unfortunately for you, that guy prefers women who is more rebellious and hedonistic.

That's just how it is, no need to change yourself, it just means the chemistry isn't there for you two.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Why would he lead me on and make me fall for him if he wasn't into my type... if you don't mind me asking? He went out of his way to be with me.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thank you for your helpful reply :-)

[Nivinxus]

He never led you on, you just believe he did. Major difference

[Sweetascandy1990]

I believe he did. He ended up going to my church and pretended to be a good, Christian guy. He then physically abused me... almost killed me. He never made me feel good enough and wouldn't let me go, but would tell me all of this stuff and verbally abuse me. I suffer from PTSD. I should of walked away a long time ago and not tolerate his BS.

[Nivinxus]

Yep, these are the type of people that are manipulative and lack empathy. Though you suffered, you dislodged a bullet there.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Yeah I really need to start thinking like that... I dodged a bullet. I always blame myself thinking I should have been a bad bitch so he could of respected me. @Nivinxus Thank you :-)

[dantetheexplorer]

Different men go for different things.
The number one reason is because every man has his individual taste of what he wants in a woman.
The same applies for women.

He is not wrong for wanting a "bad bitch".
You are not wrong for wanting a guy who wants a "sweet, innocent girl".

Wrong or right doesn't come into the matter.
We can't say what he wants is "wrong".
We can't say what you want is "wrong" either.

[MannMitAntworten]

Ever try dating the guys at your church? You'll likely have plenty more in common with one another. Particularly the church attendance aspect.

[Sweetascandy1990]

The church members are mostly women. This guy I'm referring to pretended to be a christian... even went to my church. I'll just be patient for the right guy :-)

[MannMitAntworten]

A wise plan. Best of luck to you.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thank you!

[zagor]

So why were you interested in him if he told you that?

[Sweetascandy1990]

He was amazing when I first met him. You wouldn't believe he even went to my church and pretended to be a good, Christian guy. Than he turned on me and became a monster. He became physically abusive... almost killed me. It's a long story... I could write a book lol. I was a codependent and was trauma bonded and had trouble letting go. He ended up traumatizing me and his words stick to me the most and that I wasn't good enough.

Thanks for your reply :-)

[zagor]

Sounds like you just stuck around him too long after it became apparent it was over. I hope you find someone who treats you better.

[Sweetascandy1990]

I hope so too :-) Thanks so much buddy <3

[Phanta]

They probably think that the "bad bitches" will be willing to have a lot more sex.

[Moonlight234]

Maybe he feels insecure he’s not good enough for you.

[AynonOMouse]

I like nice more innocent type of girls. And if you actually are a weak soft spoken girl I find that even more attractive.

[anshul177]

Lol personally I never want that kind of girl those type girls are not girlfriend or wife material for sure but good for sex and for fun

[Anonymous]

Same reason a girl wants a bad boy over a school boy. Excitement but not marriage material.

[Logorithim]

He's a thrill seeker

[mladasrpskax]

I'm a bad bitch, they prefer me :D

[ShadowedSoul]

Haha really?

[MackToday]

He likes THOTs who put out.

[thechesseman]

He has an ego problem. You sound perfect to me.