Why is refusing to date seen as a negative thing?

Question

Reading certain posts and thinking on my situation, I have been getting even more convinced I don't want to date anyone, for the rest of my life.
Especially because right after my break up a supposed "friend" tried to screw me over into dating her.
I simply don't see the point - even if there have been good moments in my relationship, I also got a lot of pain and my trust in other people is irremediably shattered.
I don't see appeal in dating someone when I achieve much more and raise more my career and social status on my own.

Yet people had to flock in and act shocked, accusing me of being "afraid of women" and "going MGTOW".
I'm not afraid of women and I hate MGTOW, so stop trying to label me as such.
Why can't people understand it's good for once to just think about myself and forward my goals?

Updates

+1 y

So the friend texted me and I told her more or less what I wrote here.
She just wrote to stop "acting like an idiot" and go have breakfast with her. Okay.

Updates

+1 y

Had breakfast with her, I don't even know what to think of it.
She chastised me for ordering a grappa alongside the coffee - apparently liquor at breakfast is "not cool".

englisc · Accepted Answer

It's because it's completely normal to want a relationship. If you don't usually there's something wrong. It's a sign of dysfunction.

For you I think that you have a lot of trouble with reading people's intentions, and you're assuming that most women are predatory. That also comes from your issues with asserting yourself.

You've had trouble with anxiety, and this coupled with the above makes you avoid conflict, confrontation, and sometimes even harsh truths. You do tend to lie to yourself as others have mentioned, and this isn't healthy for you. This is why you had problems before that relationship also.

You object to being told that you're afraid of women or that you're like the MGTOW guys, but you did say that women are like sharks who can smell blood on you, and that you don't want to date. Those are the things MGTOW believe, or at least it's what leads men to MGTOW. If more than one person is telling you these things it's probably true. But just like you denied the problems in your relationship that were making you miserable and criticised those who pointed them out, you're kind of doing the same thing now.

Right now you're just out of your first relationship, and it went bad in the end so it's understandable if you don't want to date right now. Nobody should pressure you into getting into a relationship so soon. However, I say the things I say because I see what's happening, while you're lying to yourself, living in denial and coming up with false ideas to cope with the situation. It's better to see things for what they are and not to lie to yourself if you want a healthy, happy life.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

It's good FOR A WHILE maybe for you to take a BREAK (it can be an extended break) from dating. You should think about yourself and your future goals. Figure some things out. Do whatever you gotta do. But then get back out there.

I'm currently in the process of psyching myself up to do just that. I haven't been out "in the dating world" for 4 years. That's not to say I've had no involvements in that period of time, but I wasn't dating or looking for a relationship. My reasons and situation is totally different. Still, I never for a second thought that I'd NEVER put myself back out there. That I would give up on finding my better half.

There are some great relationships out there. There are some horrible freak-show nightmare relationships too. But there are some good ones. Surely you can think of some examples from your own life of happy healthy couples.

I think you're denying yourself one of the greatest parts of the human experience, at least how I see it.

Why do you have to decide now, that you're not going to date EVER?

Why be so draconian and dramatic about it?

Why not just not date "for now". If there comes a time where things change then you start dating again. If nothing changes "for now" just continues indefinitely. Why bind yourself when there's no advantage to doing so?

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

I think you’re just trying to cope with feeling like you’ve lost control of your emotions due to a woman you like.

I don’t buy for one second that you’re done with dating for the rest of your life consider how readily you jumped when she asked you to to go to breakfast.

It’s fine to take a break for a while but don’t lie to yourself.

SexyAshh · Accepted Answer

Some people can't understand that fact that some people are OK on their own!.

Most people are insecure and feel the need to be validated, not dating shows independence and not needing the validation. That bothers co dependednt people

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. When you break up a serious relationship, it is very normal to want to take some time out.

2. Sometimes, people who have recently broken up make comments such as you have made. "I never want to be in another relationship." It is usually just an indication of the hurt they are feeling and it does not indicate a true desire to never be in another relationship.

3. However, sometimes people convince themselves that ALL relationships are bad instead of realizing that the recent bad relationship is not representative of ALL relationships.

4. Your friends are concerned that you will convince yourself to never again date and that you will deny yourself all of the pleasures which they have found in good relationships.

5. You just need to reassure your friends that you are taking a time out from dating and will reconsider things a few months from now.

coachTanthony · Answer

It's the same reason that people choose not to Fly for a while when they have a turbulent flight. it's an emotional decision not logical in most cases. We tend to avoid pain in our lives so we draw a line in the sand then want internal validation from others for that line we just drew.

Taking a break from dating is a much more reasonable approach to a bad date or relationship. I always say chase excellence and the rest will come.

Logorithim · Answer

I think its because we associate being together with someone with greater happiness and being single with sadness and having a missing piece to your life.

little_bird1 · Answer

Really? I think it's quite the opposite these days.
People are so bitter and resentful towards each other, that WANTING a relationship is seen as a bad thing. Most people will either joke about it and say stuff like "run while you can!" or "you don't need that shit" and empower the idea of being single and independent. It somehow makes us more desirable; people always want what they can't have. Even just fucking around somehow raises our value, everyone understands when someone doesn't want a relationship because everyone's been hurt. And because everyone knows that giving up is easier then putting yourself out there again.
But those who do want a relationship are seen as desperate and insane. I can't even count how many times I've been asked "why not just have fun?" when I say I'm looking for a relationship. It's as if I said I'm looking for a holy grail, like it's something so unreachable and pointless that I'm crazy for even thinking about finding it.

I think it's perfectly normal refusing to date if you're dealing with some stuff not related to dating. Some heavy stuff that impact your daily life, like a very stressful job & no free time, family issues, personal medical issues, financial issues, location issues, etc. Even just wanting some solo time for no particular reason. But refusing to date just because of bad dating experiences it's simply immature. It tells me you believe that every person in this world is bad and not deserving of you, as if you're some angel sent from above. It's egoistical and it's called playing victim. There is no person on this planet who doesn't want to be loved! And because of people who play these victims and not take dating seriously, we who do want it end up hurt by you in the first place. Because you gave up and it's now spreading like a plague.
I say you should look yourself long into the mirror and question deeply what you're doing wrong. Because if you constantly end up hurt by people you're dating, most likely it's your own fault. And the most common reason is because you're at wrong places for wrong people. You are giving chances to people who don't want it and are not in the state of mind to commit. It means you're standard are still kind of immature and you get attracted to unimportant qualities about others. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of dating and a lot of heartbreak to learn to filter these "qualities" out and see the big picture of relationship and what is actually all about. It comes naturally, standards change naturally over time. And that's when the real, good stuff come along your way. Your develop a kind of radar for this, and when that good thing comes along, you won't miss it. And no sane, mature person would refuse it.

MercuryG · Answer

The input from @OlderAndWiser is the best I've seen yet for your situation @Jean-Marie_Céline.

You're definitely hurting now and by the sounds of it you've got every right and probably should step back from any dating for a while.
Make some changes, focus on yourself, get into a new hobby, a new community.

Friends that are genuine and actually care for you well respect this and continue to be there in your life. Those that are in your life to live out their own fantasies and desires vicariously will fall away as soon as you show them your inner strength and resolve to be your own person.

Regarding your statements about not wanting to date again ever? They are a bit alarming, but we've all gone through that the first time our hearts get broken. Not just girls either, guys react the same way emotionally and there's no shame in it.
You've been hurt. There's a whole process to this and the best thing you can do is move through it and come out a better person for all the pain you've endured.

I personally hope you move past that phase of letting this hurt keep you from relationships in the future, but that's the future and not something you should focus on right now.

Your head AND heart are telling you what you need right now so I say follow that and work on yourself. From experience it works out best that way.

If you work on yourself, work towards liking yourself, that's going to be the best outcome.
And from that if you do ever date again, that self confidence will attract the best partner possible AND give you the inner stability to handle dating and relationships with ease.

You'll get there.

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

I don't think its a bad thing IF its temporary. You need time off and that's understandable (especially since judging from your other posts and questions it was a rather abusive relationship), but I think the issue people have is the "for the rest of my life". Don't let the bad experience deprive you of good experiences. I'd say take some time off (six months, a year what ever), you don't have to even go looking for it but I would say just remember the red flags of the last one and make sure that if you see ANY of those in the next girl to come along, cut them off. But otherwise no, I don't think it has to do with being afraid of women (I've not been in a relationship for years, its not because I fear women, its because I can't seem to find one that is worth being with) and it doesn't mean your going MGTOW as that is a particular philosophy (I don't hate them, I personally just think their feelings are understandable but ultimately misguided). But I do agree that it is good to think about yourself for once, especially if you have been sacrificing for others for a long time. I'd just say take a vacation from dating, get your life sorted, achieve some goals, then after a time when your ready maybe come back to the dating world.

JudgmentDay · Answer

Dating is all but futile the way I look at it. Do you have any actual goals clear otherwise that you have set for dating? If not, good luck, otherwise what's the point of ever dating anybody at all? You have to desire a certain outcome, any outcome at all. I see it as completely pointless, those that want to get laid as their end goal good luck with that one too, at least you know that's what your goal an intention is out of dating. Same for those going from point A to point B to date then establish a long term relationship, marry and then either live together forever as a childfree couple or start a family together. At least for those people their mind is already set and made up and clear about what exactly they really want to do with dating. Otherwise what's the point? Neither of those are something I desire nor intend to pursue. Date to date? To kill time with somebody else for a while? To dine out and/or go see a movie together? Nope. I'm all good. I really don't care if others think or believe that refusing to date as being a negative or bad thing. It's worse to date all with no clear and set goals in mind to begin with or in the very first place. One is basically running on a hamster wheel endlessly trying to find and reach that supposed "happiness" or whatever it is that they think they want or get by having no clear or set goals at all.

GraveDoll · Answer

I can attest this is something that one must get use to. Not sure why and I dont understand it. we were not born at the hip with anyone. and we leave this world pretty much the same. As one.

After some time it rolls off you because you know your reasons why and that all that matters. I imagine your last relationship took you for and emotional rollercoaster adn let me tell you something that makes you a cool person. Because you were real and genuine in wanting to make things work. make life better. And I think you are the type who gives his all (arent most us ambitions ones are lol we love hard and can't be bothered if we dont) You drive mostly off logic so when you do emotional invest yourself. You just burn out. I not sure why others can not see that some of us have to HAVE that space in between.

you dont want to half-ass anything with anyone. Or wind up in that crappy movie groundhogs day that takes a lot of honesty to admit.

I refuse to commit. I have my own reason. after being in two serious relationships one was like dating Satan's son and the other was literal dating an Angle sent from one of the 7 wonders.

I know when I do It will be real and it will because I choose to be with a person. Not a need from an unhealth stance. I'm ok being single and I know once I have a stronger sense of self I will make one hell of a wife mother team player giver and everything in between.

I am sorry that people can't see that. (it getting exhausting. ALL these apologies for the idiocy of humanity lol -_-)
It even sadder they dont see you came from an extremely unhealthy relationship. You have a lot of muck to shift through from that ordeal. I honest would be more worry if you did and question your sanity <_<

Anonymous · Answer

I have also refused to date for 3 1/2 years now, for many reasons, including personal ones. Little to no sex drive, fear of physical intimacy, trust issues (especially concerning the physical intimacy issues; it would take a very long time for me to get comfortable with a person enough to just do very basic things), bad past experiences, fear of being used or having my heart broken, inexperience, fear in general, the list goes on. I also, like you, have a lot of goals I'd like to focus on without distractions.

I'm more to the point now of if the right person comes along and it just feels right, I might consider it, but I'm not actively looking to date at all. I've had two sucky relationships and am much happier by myself than I ever have been in a relationship. The only thing I don't like is feeling like an outsider because other people for some reason find it strange to not want to enter a relationship.

I have friends trying to pressure me into dating like crazy. They just can't wrap their heads around the fact that maybe I just don't want to date right now, definitely don't want to rush into or force a relationship like they'd like for me to, and that I can still be happy while I'm single. I don't get the stigma towards being single and not wanting to date, either. I've never tried to convince any of my friends to stay single or break up with their significant others, so I'm not sure why they can't just let me be.

I'm not sure why people act that way, but I feel your pain with how annoying it is.

PatriarchalOppressor · Answer

People flock in an attack you because that's what our society does when one attempts to disobey gynocentric societal dictates. You'll get the same sort of mocking if you speak against the male only draft, which is gender based human sacrifice of male lives on women's and the state's behalf. There will never be a female-only draft.

Gynocentrism + Courtly Love + Chivalry = Male Disposability

Speak against this and many will attempt to shame you, guilt you and/or ostracize you socially and financially. Men are socially conditioned to be led like sheep to their slaughter at the alter of the vagina, hence the male only draft, significantly harsher criminal punishments for men, why men pay the vast majority of alimony, asset division and child support and why everything on earth is built and maintained primarily by men. War and workplace deaths are 99% male on purpose. Everything is meant to serve women's interests at men's expense. That's why there are dozens upon dozens of state and federal female only programs and none for men.

The men that shame you are worse potential enemies than the women that shame you, for they are totally cucked, blind and brainwashed.

Anonymous · Answer

Eh, I think it's down to the idea that no-one should be "alone"... though I suppose a lack of knowledge about aromantics also comes into play (people who do not experience romantic attraction)... then again, people could also view you as denying a part of yourself if you do experience romantic attraction but refuse to date...
I mean, think about it, whenever anyone enters a relationship they're making themselves vulnerable to their partner, opening up their heart to them... and to an extent, are also at their mercy
Anyway, as I said, everyone does it, so when things go wrong you're not going to get sympathy if it's gone wrong since you voluntarily put yourself into a position where you can have your trust in people completely broken.
So yeah, that'd be why people view refusing to date as a negative thing... unless there's a valid reason i. e. that you're aromantic, people aren't going to view it in a positive light that you're refusing to date... even then, aromantics still don't exactly have their inclination of not being romantically attracted to people viewed highly.

btbc92 · Answer

Because people expect you to be sexual and be sexually interested. And doing so label's you as a jerk, prude, religious, unavailable, must be gay, must be crazy, must have high expectations, etc. What matters is what makes you happy. I get looked down all the time and get a huge lecture about how turning down a date, will leave you single forever and have people assume something is wrong with me. Wow, probably why I don't want to date anybody. Too many crazy judgmental people who assume your anything else but your sexuality.

"Why can't people understand it's good for once to just think about myself and forward my goals?"A simple thing that I learned. They don't CARE to UNDERSTAND. They just want to 'ship the boat' and call it 'it'll be good for you'. It's selfish intentions calling it 'caring'. It's not caring if it's not respect for your wishes, desires, and wants. You owe them nothing. Keep quiet and stop explaining yourself. That's what I learned to do.

nerms123 · Answer

I know a lot of guys who are single and basically career focused. They have friends and occasionally hang out with a few women but they don’t really date or have girlfriends etc. I think how you live your life is your choice but no matter what anyone does there’s always the peanut gallery giving their unwanted opinions.

LesterJester · Answer

It's not a negative thing anymore than anything else. It's a choice based on what you think are priorities in your life.

Even if it was seen as a negative thing, who cares? Who's approval do you need?

If girls see it as a negative thing, so what? It's not like you were going to date them anyways. If other guys think it's a negative thing, what's it matter to them? It doesn't.

If your family thinks it's a negative thing, oh well. They'll get over it.

Some will preach about what is "natural" for a normal human being, and that we're supposed get in relationships, have sex and procreate... But we're already beyond needing survival of the species and we have enough people on the planet.

And as for "Normal", when we have people having every orientation under the sun to choose from, why is this any different?

MrNameless · Answer

"Especially because right after my break up a supposed "friend" tried to screw me over into dating her."

What do you mean screwing over into dating with her? This sounds like a hyperbole.

"Had breakfast with her, I don't even know what to think of it.
She chastised me for ordering a grappa alongside the coffee - apparently liquor at breakfast is "not cool"."

Don't date her then if you don't see a future with her.

I could care less if you don't date. Maybe some people might find it weird, but they'll get used to it. The only people that would care are people that would want to date you, and your family.

CandacePerry · Answer

I have a judgment sister that is older then me. She never understand what I want. She always thinks she the better option then other. I make my own choice since I can. I am more happy to force work since my boyfriend still busy with his family. Here one of my Take.

Mickey9999 · Answer

So who’s attacking you? People on GaG or are you talking your real friends? Real friend I would think would understand you need your time. But who care what anyone else thinks. Just do you. Take your time. Let your recent relationship just fade away and heal. Dating at the moment won’t do you or the female any good. It’s just end up in hurt for both of you.

lernulo · Answer

I don't know why people refuses, I know why I refuse those arguments.

To keep it simple, I see not having a relationship to heal a good reason and something necessary what I don't understand is, I have been hurt, I will never go on a date again.
For 2 reasons:
1. Your are deleting the option to have a good couple
2. You don't focus into heal just into Appart from you the girls who may be interested into you.

Said it, after your post, I would say you really need a time, but my advice is to focus into heal yourself and learn about your past relation instead of blaming to her and condemn yourself to ostracism.

Rangers · Answer

People always jump to "you're saying that because nobody wants you" especially when guys do it, which makes sense, but it isn't fair to just jump straight to that. It's also not automatically their fault if nobody wants to date him because it could be that he and most girls simply aren't compatible. For instance, I'm a gun enthusiast, owner, I play airsoft, workout, I hustle, I play fps shooters, and I shoot real guns. These interests deviate a ton from girls interests, so of course they don't want to date me! We're taught that we have to be in relationships when that's 100% not the case.

devilish-cutie · Answer

i think its basic humany need to want sex and intimacy and some company
saying you dont want that seems like going against the nature (but sure there are celibate people too)
another things is that later on you may realize the benefits of the relationship and regret your decisions
in a way saying "NEVER" is pretty hars cause you dont know what kind of people you might meet
just cause you had bad experience with love it doesn't mean there might not be a person that can show you how great a relationship can be and that is worth it
so in a way its maybe better for you to remain single FOR NOW since noone showed you that is worth it and you obviously didn't met a person for you but i think its better to have an open mind about it so you dont miss things in life for strictly holding onto some "NEVER"

Why is refusing to date seen as a negative thing?

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