Do you use self-deprecating humor when you are dating?

[OlderAndWiser]

Mr. Steve Martin. . . a truly funny man!

Self-deprecating humor is something that is said, often when the speaker has engaged in a faux pas or misstep, to try to make others laugh and - at least superficially - distract attention away from the gaffe. E. g., if I tripped, stumbled, and felt embarrassed, as I picked myself up, I might joke that "Well, there's a reason why my mother didn't name me 'Grace!'"

The person making the joke feels relieved that their partner is laughing but self-deprecating humor often conveys a message that the joker suffers from low self-esteem. People who use self-deprecating humor frequently are unaware of the underlying message or they will simply deny that such a message is being sent.

Do you use self-deprecating humor in your relationships? Have you been involved with someone who routinely made jokes that put themselves down? Did you wonder about their self-esteem?

What is this thing "dating?"

I don't use humor when I am dating. It doesn't come naturally to me.

When dating, my humor is limited to repeating jokes that I have heard.

When dating, I use humor in casual conversation but I NEVER use self-deprecating humor.

When dating, I use humor in casual conversation but I RARELY use self-deprecating humor.

When dating, I use humor in casual conversation and I SOMETIMES use self-deprecating humor.

When dating, I use humor in casual conversation and I FREQUENTLY use self-deprecating humor.

[Unit1]

Sometimes I have self-deprecating humor specifically because I grew up as a dirt poor and starved nobody (The kind of job I work in is for broke blokes like me. The university I study in is for broke blokes like me. The canteens I go to for lunch is for broke blokes like me.).

For instance if some people ask me (depending who they are) questions like "why do you not have a drivers license yet? Why are you eating in some random, unrecognized canteen shack and not in this 4 star VIP cafe (where the food is twice as expensive for the same calories and grams)? Why haven't you been to vacation abroad? Why haven't you returned to Germany yet?" I tell them "I am not middle class enough for that" or "I am a broke low class second class citizen" or something of that sort.

But the women absolutely don't pick up well on that. They see it more as "insulting yourself" and therefore lose huge respect for me. Obviously I don't do that when dating but one of my female coworkers told me, that this is what puts women off. I can see why.

I am not very sure what is worse: Having "no humor" or having self-deprecating humor. I think it's the latter.

[OlderAndWiser]

The important thing in relationships is not to see ourselves as we wish to be, but to see ourselves as others actually see us. It's an eye-opener!

[Unit1]

At the same time you'll have those losers, who (mis) judge you and try to make you fail and make your decisions for you. Basically to manipulate or control you. Some of us adopted therefore the "i don't care what others think of me" mentality, go against the mainstream or get told "you're going it wrong. You're living wrong" etc...

[Unit1]

"you're doing it wrong"*

[spartan55]

I am aware of the message self-deprecating sends in a dating context, and agree it could signal low self-esteem. However, in certain spots, I think it can also indicate you don't take yourself too seriously. But use discretion and don't go to that 'well' too often.

[OlderAndWiser]

Exactly!

[spartan55]

Thanks for the MHO!

[purplepoppy]

I read somewhere that it tends to be a British trait and helps people connect because they share their faults openly. Americans however prefer boastful self comments and avoid self deprecation. Personally I think if you have a "fault" then this type of humour let's you own it so others can't use it against you.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Yeah as a Brit i always saw self deprecating humour as a way of saying "I'm no better than you, I can take what I can dish out". My American friends don't seem to get that nuance. Our culture in UK is less about self promotion, so to laugh at ourselves can be a sign of confidence whereas self promotion would register as insecurity. In America it seems to be the opposite.

[Moonchild714]

I don't use Self-deprecating humor. I Never give Ammunition to be used against me. Everyone I've dated had no clue about my Low Self-Esteem I kept it very hidden since I saw it as a Weakness that could be used against me.

[Moonchild714]

@OlderAndWiser Thank you for the MHO.

[SydneySentinel]

When dating, I use humor in casual conversation and I SOMETIMES use self-deprecating humor.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Some times though I also frequently do the opposite and act like a narcassist (jokingly and obviously joking). Like when I announce that I am sexy as fuck and then have some one point out my gut, "that's just where I store my sexyness, do you have a better place for it?". Or something to that effect. So I usually do a combination of the two. I don't think that its a low self-esteem thing (at least not for me) nor do I think that's always the case (but it can be). As I've told some one else, I can talk shit about myself because I'm that confident (I have my flaws, but I have my strengths as well so I think being able to accept both is important and humor is a good way to convey that).

[standingUP]

Self deprecating humor can be a great characteristic if used appropriately and minimal. Just good advice for any topic.
Timing is everything when being humorous. Using it to drag compliment or reaction out of someone is just bad tactic.
I bring humor into my daily conversation always quick witted. When family visits brothers particularly you need to be quick and sharp and be able to laugh at yourself and past experience good and traumatic lol.
It is enduring to invite people to laugh at the worst of mistakes and unfortunate deeds make us all realize we all make mistakes. And the best we are ever going to get is being human.

Great question

[lightbulb27]

I said rarely and can't think of when I've done that. I've been told I have a "wicked" sense of humor, but I avoid deprecating myself. I used to do that and it doesn't work... and it was lose self esteem.

Males... never lower yourself (and I question humbling myself) before a woman when first meeting. Try it if you don't believe me, it won't go well... You must keep your energy up and masculine imho. Humble may be ok for some... e. g. Christians, or some limited way.

Deprecate while dating/married... I think leads to disaster. She wants the "him" to be his best and accept challenges and grow, now lower. She will try to lower you, don't go for it... it's a test.

humor is really good though to make light of things, at the right times, in the right way.

[Obtuse]

Sometimes and usually in response to a clumsy mistake but I tend to follow it up with self-flattery. For example, if I spill my drunk, I might say, "Derp. I'm an idiot... A lovable and charming idiot, but an idiot nevertheless." Might sound obnoxious but, in person, I can usually get laughs and some fun teasing and flirting stuff going on there.

[Obtuse]

Typically I combine the self-flattering and self-deprecating together in one go. As another example, if I irritate my date because I forgot something about her, I might say something like, "You expect too much out of me if you think this level of charm can be found with a matching intellect." :-D

[Obtuse]

I don't think I'm driven too much by insecurity since I don't find my faults to be anything that I'm uncomfortable about (the one exception is morality -- if I do something I think is wrong, it tends to bug me a lot). But I enjoy two types of responses from people: mild irritation and laughter. So I design my jokes to either irritate people and get them to roll their eyes which I enjoy or get them laughing which I enjoy even more. The nature of my jokes can sometimes get both at the same time.

[Obtuse]

I actually think I'm more driven by a need to make others feel relieved, not me. For example, if I fart I tell people so that they don't feel embarrassed. Since I don't mind if they know I farted. I mean everyone does that. But some people who might be shy or something might feel embarrassed if no one speaks up.

[SarahsSummer]

Sure, I’ll pick on myself for the sake of a laugh. I voted F

[DizzyDesii]

Nahh i wouldn't be able to think of an excuse that quick.

[Avicenna]

I use it, but sparingly and usually to put her at ease

[CubsterShura]

I feel like it's so overdone that it might actually make my date cringe.

[Torari]

Fuck no. If you don't thinn you're an awesome person, why should i think you're a person worth dating?

Self deprecating humour is about the least sexy thing you could ever do.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

Rarely. It's counterproductive as a man to flirt by making yourself look pathetic.

[Jamie05rhs]

Yeah. I have to be humble, and I have to be honest. I'm not one of those guys who tries to project some manly image of sexiness and perfection.

[sdrawkcabosmi]

I've been told that it's not a good idea, but it's kind of my default sometimes 😂

[Massageman]

I don't date anymore, but I will use it from time to time- I guess somewhere between E and F.

[Unit1]

Such a shame letting the massage skills being unused.

[Massageman]

@Unit1 Oh, I still do massage. I just can't put in 4 days a week like I used to at the spa.

[Unit1]

I could use some basics for that although i am unable to get women still 🤔

[Massageman]

@Unit1 I had posted a MyTake several months ago about how to give a basic massage. Look for "How to Give a Massage - A Basic Protocol". If you have specific questions, feel free to PM me.

[the_bornloser]

Yes I do.. We need to express that we are imperfect too to our partner for them to feel comfortable. Humor is best for this

[KaidenM]

Just about the only humor I know *single tear falls down cheek*

[monkeynutts]

Yeah I don't mind making people laugh, even when I did something silly.

[Likes2drive]

Voted E , i use humor but rarely make fun of myself

[DevylasArsaukas76]

I'm Generation X Self Deprecating humor is our go to humor

[LexyIsSexy23]

All the time

[KrakenAttackin]

You should stop. Self-deprecating humor shows lack of confidence even if it isn't true. Dating is like a sales event, and putting yourself down doesn't help make the sale. Also, you are too cool to put yourself down lexy.

[LexyIsSexy23]

@KrakenAttackin it hurts less me joking about it then if someone said it. It's like taking that card away from them

[LexyIsSexy23]

I'm extremely tender hearted and it's a defense tactic. Trust me my confidence is fine

[KrakenAttackin]

OK, I get it, it's just my suggestion that you use it sparingly, that's all ;)

[LexyIsSexy23]

@KrakenAttackin okay🙂

[KrakenAttackin]

Well, a good man is not looking to find a card to put you down. Seriously, isn't love knowing someone's secrets and shortcomings and wanting to protect them?

[OlderAndWiser]

"It's like taking that card away from them." Among trial attorneys, that tactic is called "stealing their thunder!"

[LexyIsSexy23]

Thank you so much
@OlderAndWiser

[LEADFOOTboi]

if she knows she's a blond with blond attributes... that makes her stronger

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

@KrakenAttackin i gotta say, i disagree on that, although context does matter. I've met some very confident people who self deprecate to help put others at ease. Even some of the best salesmen do some version of this, because people are instinctively suspicious of a person who seems "too perfect" or too well-rehearsed.

It alsp depends on the status dynamics of a relationship. A low level employee shouldn't self deprecate around the top level management, as the bosses already know they run the roost, and self deprecation may just fuel their own ego. But a boss who can be seen laughing about his own foibles, will set his employees at ease, and encourage more open communication.

@LexyIsSexy23 from her other posts I can imagine has no problems getting attention from men. So a little self deprecation can set her dates at ease and so they dont view her as "the unapproachable hot girl"; but as someone they can actually see as a human being, imperfections and all.