Did I make the right choice cutting him off?

[NicoleAmy]

I’ve been dating a guy for a long time and lately we have just been arguing about everything. I love him but I’m not feeling the relationship anymore lately. It has been off and on for the past few months. We fight we make up two days later. I won’t even lie I’m usually the one trying to mend things. Things get great but they don’t stay great. So yesterday he got mad at something I said and said he’s not feeling it anymore. normally I would tell him how upset I was. I didn’t. I just said I’m actually not feeling it anymore either and haven’t been for a while. I told him I don’t want to go on my birthday trip next month with him and I don’t want his sex either. And we haven’t talked since. So I’m wondering if me leaving and not trying to fix it anymore will make him want to? I’ve never walked away before.

[lightbulb27]

Welcome to humanity in these times! Taking a break I think is healthy, but I think it's better to do so in a very adult way... e. g. don't dump and run and don't jump to someone else.

My experience on this is that relationships expose a lot of our inner flaws and we start to rub each other raw... old wounds and sensitive spots, value systems clash... and the person we thought we loved isn't who we thought or it just hurts and we don't know why. We just want to feel good, have fun and be loved... but it isn't so easy is it? People start to emotionally shut down and guys, many of them... um... myself... were really awful at emotions and relationship stuff. Maybe he has no skills there in understanding how he feels or how to handle relationship/female emotions. So there is lots of training as we learn new skills we didn't know existed and discover this mysterious wounded person... ourselves! As the mating drugs wear off, we expose humans... which is sucky! Ah... the knowledge of good and evil.


In any situation and accident, it's good to do triage... what happened, what's going on... what is REALLY going on... and then look for change you embrace so you get to a better place. I guarantee life changes every 10 years, so get used to that. Therapy, reading books, self development. Maybe you can grow together, maybe you figure out what is going on and decide that is not what will work for you.

None of us want to change, but we all kinda... need to, it's part of life! There are really good fits and some that are just pure friction all the time. I don't recommend the latter. Right now in life... the primary objective deep within is "mate.. make offspring".. so there's a clock ticking, whether you want that or not... that's the human being. After that occurs we often spend more time on "how did I get here and what is going on" as we reflect.

Point being... it's easy to dump and try to find mr right. But it is better to stop and reflect and learn and then decide. like looking at a map.

lmk if I can help or clarify.

[NicoleAmy]

I’ve stopped and reflected many times. I tried to make it work many times. I’m tired of trying, begging for him to treat me right. Being belittled on a regular basis. He changes but it’s only temporary. He’s a toxic person in my life. And I know he’s going to try and find ways to come back. He thinks sex is the number one way. But I told him I don’t want his sex anymore. I don’t want anything. Enough is enough already.

[lightbulb27]

Yes thats different... thats poison. You can try to train him and for him to grow up or fimd better. Guys can think like that but its very immature... he's a child. Move on.

[NicoleAmy]

Yes. He’s not only immature but extremely insecure. I just can’t deal with it anymore.

[lightbulb27]

Understood. Breakup in a clean and clear way... not ghosting. I suggest looking to see why you were drawn to him... and patterns in other relationships. If any broken record... look inside for the repairs. Try again. there's a lot of wounded child boys out there... broken families... bad relationships... hurt people hurt people.

[NicoleAmy]

Yeah but I just told him I don’t want to go on our trip. I don’t want sex from him. I’ve been losing feelings for him. And that i was walking away. I thought I made myself clear. I didn’t really ghost him. That was last night. He never replied to anything I said. So I’m just leaving it alone.

[MannMitAntworten]

Sounds like your relationship has run its course for both of you. Why try to make something work that neither seem to have the heart for salvaging? Probably why things have been as they are. You have both already walked away some time ago... time to stop looking back.

On a different note, and speaking as a guy who seems to never attract women who stick around for any length of time, that you put effort in at all is admirable. My last girlfriend essentially told the world she was marrying me - my parents as well. Then a month later I get an effing ‘text’ stating she wishes to remain single instead. I had no idea of this going on in her head and she allowed me zero say. She didn’t even respond to my reply... but that is essentially how my personal life goes. One moment it is going great and people note how great we are as a couple, the next, a damn email or text ending things with zero indication or even allowing me a word. So that you even allow a word to me is admirable. I have zero idea what that is like... I’m a pretty damn good boyfriend but it leaves me wondering of maybe I should pick a fight to keep them around. My pain in the ass women friends who ruffle my feathers and get into with me seem bent on sticking around... maybe there is something to that? Then again, they are friends and never girlfriends for a reason.

Anyway, it seems you two have run your course. Time you both moved on with your lives and see who enters next into your lives.

[MiamiMadness]

This guy sounds like an asshole too. Usually guys lik that don't change and when you give in and come back to him it just hypes up his ego so I'd say cut him off and let him be an asshole to someone else.

[NicoleAmy]

He’s about to experience true rejection from me. He doesn’t know it’s coming. I know his insecurities will make him crawl back for an ego boost. There is nothing he can say or do at this point that will make me change my mind.

[MiamiMadness]

Hopefully that's true because he's going to expect you to give in eventually since that's what he's used to. Assholes will almost always be assholes and you'll waste your life away hoping for them to change but the difference is, they usually don't want to change.

[NicoleAmy]

You’re right. The more confident I become the more of an asshole he becomes. But I figured out his games. If he can belittle or bring me down enough to control me then he wins. He has no idea he really pushed me away for good. I don’t deserve this. I always told him there will come a time where he regrets the way he treated me. Even if he doesn’t oh well. I feel better already not carrying that baggage

[loveslongnails]

Yay... finally !!

[MiamiMadness]

Toxic people are always going to be that way and if he’s only interested in bringing you down and not pushing you forward and making you feel special then you deserve better then that and you’re making the right choice. I think life is too short to keep people around who don’t want the best for us. This time you actually win, let someone else get brought down by his ass

[TheAfrikan]

A guy who seems to be knocking heads with you all the Time, Arguing all the Time, Remaking it up all time and repeating the same cycle each week.
Dam that is really stressful for you both, And it won't work out well. It seems you respect you self a lot, Plus respecting him. BT he got no single respect for you.
How can he say that you do talk way too much, You seem to have been with a young minded guy.
So much dear walk out on him, And let him be a milestone in your love story.
#theOneathatWalkedAway hmm all the best for in the new catch.

[ZackBan]

It's not the first time I answer one of your questions. (that pretty face is memorable enough).
You clearly have been struggling with this relationship for months and your questions prove it.
I think it's time to cut losses and leave.
He's proven how much he doesn't deserve you and no matter who's right about what this had to end. Any more would be lying to yourself.

[NYCQuestions1976]

Yes it's over. It's mutual, and no one's fault. Sometimes things aren't meant to be (or meant to be more than short term). It is what it is. Take a sigh of relief. 👍

[NicoleAmy]

I am totally relieved. This is the first time after years I told him I don’t want him or his sex. He thinks his sex will get me back every time. That’s how his mind works. But little does he know I don’t want that crap either. Oh well. He said he’s over it. But he kept calling and texting me all weekend. I wasn’t even saying much to the guy. He’s very hot and cold. And now I’m just gonna be cold period.

[NicoleAmy]

He doesn’t like me as a person. He like how I look and he gets an ego boost because his friends think I’m beautiful. So I think that’s another reason he hangs on to me. He does not love me or value me as an individual.

[NYCQuestions1976]

Better to figure it out now than after you're engaged or married or with kids. Judging by your profile picture (if it's real... this IS the internet, after all), I'm sure you'll have no shortage of suitable suitors. Plus it's the Summer. Have fun. 👍

[NicoleAmy]

Thanks lol I actually look way better now those pictures are old. I’ve put a lot of effort trying to be the best version of myself. And I think that also intimidated him. He saw my confidence growing. And the more confident I became the worse he treated me

[NYCQuestions1976]

I guess he couldn't handle you moving "out of his league" for lack of better terminology...

[NicoleAmy]

I really believe that’s what it was. I just can’t verbalize that to him without sounding arrogant. So I keep those thoughts to myself lol

[NYCQuestions1976]

It's his insecurity that he needs to deal with. It's not your fault he couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone more attractive than him. You need to have confidence in your other abilities and qualities as a person that at the end of the day, your significant other will be there for you and with you. If they're not, then it wasn't meant to be...

[jessicasissy]

It sounds like it's too late to fix. IF it were to be fixed it would have needed to be done at the beginning of the troubles. At this point you'd just be beating a dead horse, so I'd recommend moving on and finding someone new or just being happy single for a while to get your head where you want it to be before you find your next relationship.

[jessicasissy]

And trust me, with a smile like yours finding someone new won't be hard.

[Thatsamazing]

"I love him but I’m not feeling the relationship anymore lately" uhhh... how do these two things go together

[NicoleAmy]

I love him as a person. I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore.

[Thatsamazing]

Okay.
Anyway, did you make the right choice? Well, that's complicated; do YOU think you made the right choice?

[NicoleAmy]

Yes I did. I should have done it a long time ago.

[Thatsamazing]

I see. Well I hope it works out for you in the future.

[Browneye57]

Why are YOU fighting about everything? I'd tell you to piss up a rope.
Either get on board with him or GTFO.

[NicoleAmy]

First of all it’s not me it’s him. If I say anything he doesn’t like he explodes on me. I try to explain myself in a nice way and he says I’m annoying and talk too much. And you think that’s normal? I have to walk on eggshells. Things go great if I don’t tell him how I feel. I’d have to have a serious poker face to ever keep things cool. I’d have to allow him to treat me however he wants.

[Browneye57]

So, you've given over control. Hmmm.
The PRIMARY reason for dating in the first place is to be able to discern compatibility, to actually be able to determine if they're a match or not, are worth investing your time and emotion.

You're failing.

[NicoleAmy]

Yea you’re right. I’m taking away the control. He doesn’t have access to me anymore. He doesn’t respect me because I haven’t respected myself. I’ve allowed him to treat me however he wants and forgiving him time after time. Those days are over.

[Browneye57]

Yay. Dump his fucking ass, and find a worthwhile guy. Your life will improve dramatically.

[NicoleAmy]

I really like you lol you are straight forward

[Browneye57]

Well, thank you. Not everyone thinks so. The truth can be REALLY hard for some. But yeah, calls 'em as I sees 'em, and pretty much seen and done it all. I have an entire lifetime of experience and knowledge, thousands of encounters, two wives, hundreds of women, three grown children, marriage seminars and counseling, trait-typing, and that's just for starters. LOL

[loveslongnails]

It's about time you did that. He'll probably come back but try to put the blame on you at the same time he's sorta kinda trying to maybe "apologize". It will be the sort of apology that says " I'm not sorry for what I said, I'm just sorry you got mad and left". If you accept that, you'd be the foolish one. Be glad you're rid of him.

[NicoleAmy]

He thinks I’ll always be there and I believe that’s where he lost respect for me. I’ve never told him I wasn’t feeling him anymore. I’m just not. I don’t even feel sad right now. I almost feel relieved.

[loveslongnails]

From everything you've ever posted about him, I'd expect that. Your feelings for him were a burden you "chose" to carry. Once you realized you don't feel for him any longer, the weight is lifted, and that's why you feel relieved. I strongly suggest you don't ever go backwards, no matter what he says.

[NicoleAmy]

Wow I never thought of it like that. It was a burden a chose to carry. Every time he was rude to me I loved him a little less. And it’s been ongoing. To the point I’m not in love with him anymore. He truly pushed me away. He said I pushed him away always trying to explain myself or talk about how I feel. That shouldn’t be an issue. He should listen he doesn’t listen. Anyway, I have no regrets. We had a birthday trip coming up and I told him I don’t want to go. He’s never seen this from me. I’ve never rejected him. So I almost feel bad but the feelings just aren’t there.

[loveslongnails]

You've done your time, somewhat self imposed. But you've learned - never put yourself in that position again. I'm sure you won't.

[bklynbadboy1]

You definitely did the right thing it seems like that relationship was toxic plus your emotions were yo and down that to much especially for you cause if I'm not mistaken you have a child that's depending on you as well. So good for you like it to short ti have to deal with anybody shit. Besides, you deserve better. Never settle for less than your worth

[NicoleAmy]

Yeah I want better. I guess I stayed out of fear of being lonely. Because recently I started to realize I wasn’t really excited to be around him anymore. I think I also wanted him to want me but I didn’t necessarily want him. I told him he does absolutely nothing to make me want to stay. That I’m over him. I’m pretty sure that threw him for a loop. But oh well.

[bklynbadboy1]

Can I inbox you

[bklynbadboy1]

I just want to chat with you for a sec

[NicoleAmy]

Yes please do

[bklynbadboy1]

You have to follow me first

[NicoleAmy]

Okay did :)

[CikaZivan]

You don't know what you have until you lose it.
If he loves you, he'll come around.

[NicoleAmy]

I won’t hold my breath lol

[Anonymous]

This is why so many women become jaded by the age of 30. Too much toxic relationships that they re enter over and over. Even now, the girl in this take wants the guy to come back...

[KrakenAttackin]

At 29 you had better learn how to keep a man. Your days of having men beating a path to your door (other than for sex) are almost over.

[Jerre]

Nicole, you did the right thing. Seems all this guy wants to do is argue. You can certainly find someone better.

[AmeerX]

Don't walk away. Thing will be better for your relationship.

[Smirnoff23]

Seems like it was becoming a one way relationship best to get out now

[REDHOTLINE]

Your relationship came to end

[NicoleAmy]

Thank goodness. I actually don’t care or feel sad and that’s new and exciting for me lol

[REDHOTLINE]

U are not married you are inly dating nicole of course you dont care or feel sad. Cutt him off and then live your life free.

[NicoleAmy]

Yeah well it’s only been him for the past 6 years. I haven’t even had sex with anyone else. He has played with my head long enough though. To the point I actually want someone else. He’s never seen me move on. He’s never seen me walk away. This is a first.

[REDHOTLINE]

Its sad. you wasted your 6 years wirh him... i think if there is no passions no feelings no thrill and wirhout emotions sex is nothing. You didn't have sex last 6 years. its a big lost

[NicoleAmy]

To be honest I don’t feel like I lost much. I always knew I could do better than him. I feel as if he took a loss. And I’m not even saying that out of spite. I really believe when he sees me happy without him he’s going to be upset.

[REDHOTLINE]

Hmmm ok. My opinion is true. Going on your relationship is mean waste your time because you make you eachother unhappy. Cutt him off best option for you

[Agape93]

You did the right thing

[Reddwolf]

Time to leave him and get a new man

[QuietRunner]

Yes 100% right choice

[Enochian]

It seemed toxic. You did the right thing.