”Having it all” as a woman, does that scare men off?

[Anonymous]

My mother’s always told me I can only date/marry a man at “my level” or above. I always though that was a very ignorant statement. I’ve always thought highly of myself as a person but I’ve never thought I was anything more special than anyone else. Now that I’m older I understand what my mother was saying. I don’t agree with it but as society is it makes sense and seems to be true.

Not that I look back I see that men I’ve dated/ been together with have been conscious and uncomfortable with my family’s wealth, connections and social status. I live away from my family and have a normal life where I support myself.

Me and my boyfriend broke up and he thinks that if he had worked harder, was more successful or had more money he wouldn’t lose me. He’s now obsessed with “making it”. And I would leave all the fortunes in the world to be with him. Even my last boyfriend though that he wasn’t good enough.

My type is a nice, loving good guy. Usually the guys I fall for are smart guys with good but regular jobs. I like the average joe, a family man. But personally I strive very high when it comes to work and success. Basically I want a man the opposite of my father and want to be a woman the opposite of my mother.

Now I genuinely fear that me becoming successful or/and rich on my own could cause problems with my future partner. I know being with a man that is similar to how I am would be better but those type of men are not my type.

[Anonymous]

I think your moms statement is based upon a superiority complex that becomes more and more difficult to shake as we grow our net worth. I firmly believe that as you develop your assets, you need to make a consistent effort to humble yourself.


I own enough real estate to allow me to view working a job as an option. My girl and I are coming up on more and more- and the compounding/snowball effect makes it very exciting.


I personally don’t judge someone based upon materialism or pedigree as these are shallow characteristics that rarely define who a person actually is. Mindset, value, and intelligence are valued a lot more in my books. Let me tell you, the majority of the smartest people I know in finance are self taught and do not boast about their graduates degree as a badge of honor.


We live in a society in which we are socially rewarded for owning things rather than accomplishments it took to get to that level. People like a super car, but aren’t interested in asking that person what they did to get there. If they do, they ask with an assumption that becoming wealthy as an event rather than a struggle.


The moment you start thinking you’re better than others is the moment you start to lose touch with reality and close off your mind to learning.


So yeah, it can most certainly be intimidating for a man dating a woman who’s wealthier as this might make him feel inferior to his role as a provider. Not all men feel this way though.


I would strongly suggest you don’t seek out men for their status and money. Materialism is a never ending mindset. You get one thing, become unsatisfied, and then move onto the next. Rinse and repeat. Chemistry, connection, compatibility are so much more important. This is what will keep you fulfilled in the long term. It’s a comforting feeling to know if I lost it all tomorrow- my girl would still be there for me. I know we’d get right back to where we were in a matter of time.


Your mom I’m sure is a great woman, but don’t fall down that trap. Don’t start thinking you’re better, and/or judging dating prospects in the way she’s suggesting. You’ll be dissatisfied for a long time. You’ll most likely bond with someone on your level as there’s more relatability, but don’t have a shallow based check list. Let things come naturally.

[Oigit]

For me it won't scare me off. A woman who tries to "elevate" me to her level would make me run to the hills. For example if a woman would buy me designer clothes because she wears them, I'd kindly refuse the gift and probably end up not moving forward.

So long as a person isn't bringing a lot of true negatives into a relationship, we shouldn't make an issue about who's name is on the clothes we wear. Or if your partner drives a Ford Taurus with none of the extras when you are driving around in a BMW or Land Rover. If the two of you are able to form a genuinely good relationship and able to accept one another, flows and all, nothing else should matter.

The truth is that I live a very simple life style. I do not spend money on things that people view are higher class because of the label on them. I'm perfectly fine wearing jeans I got from the nearest big box retail store. Also I'm the kind of person that does not spend much money in general. So long as my basic needs are covered, I'm not going to need or want much else then that.

This also cuts both ways. If my wants to wear designer clothes and not breaking both of our banks doing so. Its not an issue with me. I'm also not going to expect her to start cloths shopping at Walmart like me.

[Marilynjuana]

I'm well off and run a business of my own. From my experience, as long as I don't treat a man like he's less, he feels nothing to be insecure about.

[NamerOfStars]

I can certainly see how it could. For better and worse, our upbringing shapes the way we see the world and its people, and it takes a lot of effort to make a meaningful change in that. I'm told by people I trust enough to know that it's very difficult to date outside of your economic class, and the presumption of a man as a provider goes beyond even culture; that's hardwired into our very genes. You can struggle against that, even reject it outright, but most women won't. Men know this, and since you can't reject an idea for someone else, they'll feel pressured to outearn and outperform her, even if she doesn't push in that direction at all.

Unfortunately, I think this is something most men don't know about until they experience it, and I don't know how you'd know you're able to push past it and extend the measure of trust a relationship requires until you try, and that's something few ever have to. Short of saying to look for the contemplative and psychologically self-made, I don't have any real suggestions for you. Sorry.

[triff]

Money and power can be intimidating as a man has to be the provider which dates back to an early man He was the hunter The provider and later on in historical facts the bread I personally am no longer material minded or have any qualms about being a kept man My drive is fulfilled when I have made a difference in the quality of life of one of my clients No one is better than another Money is not that impressive Can turn you into tunnel vision and not being able to see the whole picture So in short Nice to have but it's not able to solve all thongs

[Heiniken]

It doesn't scare men off just the concept of 'dating across and up' wil be a huge problem for you.

If you are successfully and a top 10% woman (making 80k+/year) that means you will only want a guy that earns that much or more. There are so few of them that exist, especially near your age range. Additionally the attractive guys that earn that much have the pick of the litter and can have ANY women they want and don't need to commit to a family as they can very easily find a new dating partner at a whim. What are you realisitcally bringing to the table to make a high valued man want to commit to you? A good income? He doesn't need that. Fertility? He may not want a family, or if he does it will be with a trophy house wife, not a working woman.

[DSimus]

here's the problem (as I see it)

You want a regular family man, an average worker who pulls in a decent and livable wage but isn't that far above average.

You want tk be the woman that strives high and will work towards success and money.

At the very core of it, he will not understand why you work so hard and put family and life on the backburner amd you will feel resentful that men will leave you because you're successful. You will find the love you seek if you look hard, but honestly, the only ones who will understand your goals and struggles are you and those like you.

[Nalix]

You being successful isn't the problem. Men are used to women judging them on their economic value. Women who really do "have it all" generally also have an attitude where they look down on men and always ask "what are doing to be worthy of me" and even men who meet her standards won't want to be with her because that is a toxic attitude for any human being to have.

Have standards. That's important, but don't see yourself as just the prize that he has to be worthy of. For a relationship to work, you both have to work on it and have clear expectations of each other. Be patient with each other's flaws. Have the same or compatible goals and values. That's what matters.

[Tomsta]

Its not so much the "having it all" that scares people off it's the workaholic attitude that sometimes goes along with it. Contray to what you may have been told. Not all guys strive to be at the top of the moutain. Some what to get to a point where they are comfortable and can balence their work and personal life

Putting career ahead of personal life doesn't really pay off in the end. "Car isn't fast enough. The view isn't high enough" etc.

Im not saying dont strive and be ambitious. Go for it but dont put your career above all else. People have done that in the past and in reality they may have a yacht in the south of Spain with the mansion to go along woth it but a lot of them would surprise you when they say how lonely they are

[Despite]

Yeah, it does scare men off. But do as you see fit. A lot of men and women that “have it” are trash to me. “Having it all” often makes spoiled little girls but with those girls I just go: “Here, little girl.”
“Having it all” CAN make weak people in a way.

[Asker]

I put the “having it all” in quotation to highlight that having it all is not a real thing. I definitely do not have it all and will probably never have it all as that is not my goal. According to society’s superficial standards some people can be seen as “having it all”

[Despite]

I agree. But “having it all” can scare men off at first. Although when you tell him it’s ok then he should at least feel a little better. If he even goes that far with you. Plenty of men see you as ideal. Just read these comments my dear

[Anonymous]

You need to understand that "having it all" is not an issue for men. There is a misconception that men do not like successful women. That is not the case at all. Men don't like ambitious women. There is a difference.

It's really all a matter of priorities. Men are put off by women who prioritize career success above family and relationships. Many women seem to falsely believe that men are attracted to the same qualities in a woman that women are attracted to in men. They're not. Ambition is not a quality men seek in women.

[Lov2PlezUgurl]

I would say... yes if he doesn't have a mature mind by that I mean he can't ever be jealous... jealousy is the destroyer of happiness.. sex can and almost always completes things if you don't have a mature mind
The problem is most people go through their whole lives and never have a mature mind and they don't even realize it

[Anonymous]

Interesting. It will scare off men who are not up to your standard. It might scare off some men who will be up to or above your standard one day but to try and guess which ones is a gamble. It also needs to be taken into account that men see things in a similar way. Men are visual creatures. The best men will end up with the most physically attractive women out of their cultural group. Alas her manner is just as important but her looks even more so. If you want the best man, it's important to be attractive. For example I would not date a woman with a profane vernacular no matter how attractive she was but I would date a woman with an average vernacular but who was very attractive. The reason is because it exposes her culture but beauty is a slightly more important attribute to me. Intelligence, beauty and comportment are vital.

[FakeName123]

Most women date up. And most men know that at least instinctively and want to provide. So yes, I can see how it can feel lackluster to a man if a woman comes from a wealthy family. And yes, it can also cause some struggles and burden on a relationship.
Definitely something that needs to be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.

That being said - if you want an average joe, family man - you being a highly striving career woman will definitely reduce your chances drastically.

[Browneye57]

Only if you MAKE it a problem. I did a take on this some time back, on alpha women and how they relate to their man.
You understand an 'alpha woman' is really an alpha man with lady-parts, right?

Please understand that the more you try to be like a man the less desirable you are to them.

[jasco]

I usually don't care if a women has more money then i do but i would ask if she be willing to invest in my business or something so i can make more money and try to do better in life. The problem is that most men just feel incompetent when a women makes more then them, it doesn't scare them off it just makes them mad cause they see her and they really wanna reach where she is because of pride

[ronaldo75]

The problem isn't a woman that "has it all". The problem is a woman who won't shut the fuck up about how much she's accomplished. Men aren't as superficial and judgmental as women are when it comes to dating. So we really don't give a shit how much money you have, where you went to school, how expensive your car is, how many fucking friends you have or how big your apartment is. We DONT CARE. We're not intimidated. WE. DONT. CARE. Show us how good a person you are , not your wallet.

[Anonymous]

As a guy with a regular job, I don't have a problem with dating a more successful woman. As her successes don't diminish my own.

[Asker]

Yeah also regular jobs are usually more beneficial to society. I used to often feel that my field of work was meaningless and didn’t serve society at all

[Opinion Owner]

I find that hard to believe, that your job is meaningless. What do you do, if you don't mind me asking?

[Asker]

I’m a fashion designer. The fashion industry does more harm than good. But my long term plan is to help struggling women by teaching them the craftsmanship and than providing a well paid job.

[Opinion Owner]

If you feel that way about the industry, as a designer you could always be a force for change in the industry. And it doesn't have to be anything extreme. Just kind of nudge it in the right direction from time to time. As for your plan to help struggling women is quite noble of you. Just remember that the more successful you are in your profession the more charitable you can be with your compassion. I've been going to a charity gala every year for the last 5 and everytime I leave wishing I could do more.

[RemoErdosain]

I don't think being career-driven, ambitious and successful will scare off men. Those are actually good qualities to have for either gender

[AmeerX]

You think too much. You can get a guy who will like you for you and not your wealth. I am certainly feeling better knowing that there are girls like you out in the world who would value relationship so much over wealth or money

[bamesjond0069]

I mean if you want a man who is more like a boy and you are his mom, you're all set. No man on your level or above is going to be into you if you want to make your success a priority.

[Asker]

I didn’t say success as a priority. You can work your average 40 hours a week and still achieve success. It’s just that in some work fields you work on projects which have outcomes, either successful or not.

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... "successful" people work MUCH more than 40 hours per week and work is the focus of their lives. No man wants a partner who is as work driven or more than he is. And good luck having a family if you are both trying to climb the corporate pyramid, your kids will be latchkey disasters.

[Asker]

So raising children is all on the woman? If she’s busy then the children will be a mess? I plan to have a an actual father to my kids. And why does success mean automatically mean corporate?

[KrakenAttackin]

The point is "success" means working your ass off.

[Asker]

I think a lot of people assume success = making a lot of money. Success to me is achieving goals, not feeding greed

[Asker]

I was born into a middle class family , then war and political issues made my family flee and we started from zero in another part of the world. Most part of my childhood I was poor and missed out on a lot of things. But I’m thankful for the opportunities I have now and will make sure me and my family are set.

[SuccessfulHornDog]

It means nothing to me. It wouldn't scare me off nor would it attract me.

[Sam_The_Savage]

Girl you're awesome. I'm looking for girl like you. by the way I'm self-made too. I'm sure I'm more successful than you. Let's work out.