Can someone's past be a dealbreaker to you?

[ragequeen]

For example do you pay attention to their dating history, promiscuous behavior, unfaithfulness, number of partners, alcoholism, drugs etc.

Yes, it can be a deal breaker and I pay attention to it.

No, the past is the past. What matters is how they are now.

[OlderAndWiser]

I chose neither option. A person's past behavior is the best predictor of their future behavior, particularly if that past behavior reveals consistent patterns. This is even more true as a person gets older. Everyone has the capacity for change but very few ever make significant changes in their values, beliefs, and significant patterns of interpersonal behaviors.

However, SOME people do change and I am always alert to that possibility. Suppose I meet two girls, each is 60 years old, and each has a body count of 50. Girl #1 married her high school sweetheart, stay married for 35 years, got divorced 5 years ago, and has fucked 49 guys in the past 5 years. Is she a slut? Yes.

Girl #2 fucked 49 guys by the time she was 24 years old, then got married and stay married for 35 years, got divorced a year ago, and has not had a sexual partner since then. Is she a slut? I don't think so. Both girls have the same body count but the patterns lead to opposite conclusions about them.

So, to answer your question, the past CAN be a deal breaker, and particularly if the troublesome behavior occurred more recently, but I will always look at the behavior as some evidence of their current character and my decision will always be guided by my assessment of their current character.

[Iron_Man]

Invite me to your wedding I want to come

[msc545]

How is the recency of the behavior an important metric? I am not saying it isn't; I'm just curious re your thinking about this.

[MrNameless]

i mean, she was a slut

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 The more recent the behavior, the less likely it has changed, based on my life experiences. What I am ultimately trying to divine with respect to that issue is whether she currently views sex as a purely recreational activity or as something that is shared within a committed relationship. I want a reason to believe that I am not just a one night stand for her.

[msc545]

Except that you then have to assess credibility, and in my experience, once a slut or cheater, always a slut or cheater. Even if this is not the case, the index of suspicion on my part is so high that I will just move on regardless. What about you?

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545. Credibility of always a question. . . In psychology and in the law. If a girl has a slutty past, I will always spend more time assessing credibility.

[msc545]

Me too, but a recent past for me is almost the same as a distant past in terms of assessed risk. Terrible that we even need to have this sort of conversation...

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 If the issue is a remote past, I will at least discuss that with her and listen to her response.

[msc545]

What about a more recent past? How would you handle that?

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 I would be very skeptical of any claims that she had changed since last week's gang bang.

[msc545]

So if I understand it correctly, the more time that has elapsed since her last episode of bad behavior, the lower the level of suspicion regarding future behavior, correct? Intuitively that makes sense, but I am trying to quantify it a bit more. There is an argument that the more time that has elapsed, the greater the accumulation of frustration, and the higher the likelihood of acting out. Again, intuitively this also makes sense, but one would need some evidence of the presence of frustration and a steady increase in it, I think. None of this seems easy at all. what do you think?

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 "There is an argument that the more time that has elapsed, the greater the accumulation of frustration, and the higher the likelihood of acting out." Yes, that s one argument to make, but it is founded on an assumption that the need which drove the behavior has remained unabated. It is certainly possible that someone has temporary moderated their behavior in response to external pressure and that a potential "eruption of desire" lies immediately below the surface, waiting for an opportune moment. It is also possible that the need has changed and is no longer a driving force in the person's life. That is the question we must address when confronted with someone with "a past."

[msc545]

Ok, so we agree on that. I really question whether most people are able to adequately assess that in the midst of the usual testosterone storm that put us there in the first place...

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 I have certainly engaged in subcortical sexual functioning on more than one occasion, but that has happened less as I've gotten older.

[msc545]

Me too. :) :) :)

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 I "own" my animal heritage! :) :) :)

[msc545]

I own mine too but sometimes wish I didn't. Lots of trouble with that!

[msc545]

What kind of law did or do you practice?

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 I still practice. I do a general civil practice. No criminal law. There are a few areas of law in which you must concentrate or not do it at all: workers compensation, real estate closings are the two most common. I am not a tax lawyer so I stay away from matters that are driven by tax considerations. Otherwise, I try to handle whatever comes along. Mostly family law, wills, probate, guardianship, personal injury.

[msc545]

Where do you practice?

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 Northeast Florida. What is your location?

[msc545]

Los Angeles, sadly. Originally from the Bay area.

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 It's difficult to justify relocating after you get established in a profession, unless you do something like ER practice.

[msc545]

Definitely difficult! What is your area like? I once was offered a job on the west coast of the Florida panhandle but didn't take it... not enough money to make it worth it...

[Iron_Man]

My notifications are blowing up

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 Cost of living is definitely lower here in Florida, especially housing and energy costs. My family has been in this area since 1790 so I am a very biased witness on this subject. My area of Florida gets a direct hurricane strike only once every 75 years or so. The last strike was 1964. We have great beaches and recreational activities, some culture (excellent symphony) but the night life is no comparison to what you have in LA.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Iron_Man See those three little dots in the upper right hand corner of your post? You should be able to mute notifications for this question.

[msc545]

The nightlife in LA, even under normal circumstances, is not all it's cracked up to be. Sunset blvd on a Sat night looks like a major freak show. I think initially people like it, but after a while not so much. I used to do some standup comedy and some music at a few of the clubs to make extra money, but no more..

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 You could relocate. Go to one of the major cities in Florida and you'll get business from the litigation front and from the rehab centers.

[TruthBringer]

The past is the best predictor of the future. Anyone who says "the past is the past" is absolutely delusional to the real world. If the past was truly in the past, then corporations, government institutions and the military would drop the history screening and hire any ex-convict.

In dating, there is a reason why they say "once a cheater, always a cheater". Substance abuse, cheating and promiscuity are all indications of lack of impulse control and indulge in short term pleasure while neglecting long-term consequences. I will never invest in a person who has a "wild" past. Especially since I myself chose not to live such lifestyles. On top of that, any person with a brain knows that a woman with a high body count is a major turn off for (high value) men. Only men with a scarcity mindset get with these women and then complain about having to deal with the behaviors that come along with a promiscious woman.

[nandinikhaneja]

I chose option a because if we talk about alcoholism, it's totally relevent that people know about it. For example, if I am dating a guy who has have had a history of drinking too much alcohol and smoking, I would be pretty uncomfortable knowing about it because I am not being too judgy but I can't imagine someone who is an alcoholic, even though they are better and they have recovered from their alcoholism, still it can affect my future with him coz you never know, it takes a lot of dedication for people to leave alcohol but this habit doesn't too much long to come back. So, I think this behaviour with alcohol can affect me a lot!

[Elsa143]

Dating history and number of partners.
I don't accept the excuse that I was cheated by all of those 13 girls I dated. If you were cheated then weren't 3 girls enough? You could have stopped dating after 3 girls and have carefully waited for your right partner. Yes you found me today but weren't you patient enough to NOT date 10 EXTRA women? It only shows that you're desperate and afraid of being lonely which I don't respect. Because in my absence or when I get busy with work, you will find someone else to fill the void.

[Elsa143]

And probably exaggerating your innocence as well.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I think it would depend on what that past is and how distant in the past.. Someone stole a pack of gum when they were 14 wouldn't make me think they were still a thief. But someone who has breaking and entering on their record from 2 years ago, quite different. Someone promiscuous when they were younger but got out of that as they grew up and matured, versus someone that was still promiscuous a year ago.
I think it's a combination of the past, plus where they are in the current present..

[Katebfun]

Yep recently ended it dated a guy for 1 month. He had his daughter with a woman he was just friends with benefits she wanted a kid and he agreed, now pays 600 month and has the kid part time. He also revealed that he's had 70+ parameters both male and female and has done some pretty risky things and taboo things. He bought a strap on dildo so 2 women from the net could bang him, he did and they ended up keeping the strap on. He's 35 and his longest relationship was 1.5 years. Bad news, red flags. He just wanted sex.

[OmNomaly]

"What matters is who they are now"

This I have seen a lot. It's a weak excuse for those who lack the ability to keep a long term relationship.
To go and keep with their hook up culture.

You have a very sexual side of our civilization and then you have a side that likes sex but would much prefer to find the right people to share that with. Hence wanting to find someone who exhibits signs of being able to keep a long term relationship.

If I were to find out a woman I wanted to be with had more partners than I could count on one hand then she isn't worth it to me. My personal viewpoint is that she doesn't have integrity, self respect or good morales. It also shows that she is incapable of proper decision making, as well as being incapable of maintaining a long term relationship.

If I wanted to have a kid with a sex worker I would. But I do not, I want to have someone that will raise my children properly and set a good example for others.

[Lliam]

I tend to judge the character of the person I am with by how they currently are. I'm not all that concerned about their past and I don't pry. Everyone has a past and those who don't are probably boring. Plus, we learn from mistakes we have made in life. And people can change.

I suppose there are some things about a person's past that would be dealbreakers but I can't think of much. I don't care about her body count, but she has to have principles and values. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was a hard drug addict or who had done filthy, degrading things for money.

[Simplismilez]

Its only a deal breaker if they don't change. Like I have my own stuff that I've went through and I'm trying to change and get better so that I'm not dragging that into other relationships. I'm all about personal growth and will never hold someone's past against them unless they refuse to grow up or hurt people for no reason.

[pigoat]

Great Answer 👍👍

[Andres77]

It would depend on whether or not they've pushed through the destructive behavior and proven it over time. Drugs, alcoholism, sex addiction (I'm a sex addict in recovery for 19 years).
If they're still in the bad shit there's a level of self-hate and/or diminished consideration for others because their addiction comes first at the expense of others.
Everybody has stuff. Love can help you through it or your love can empower you to get them help because you also love yourself and you won't subject yourself to needless abuse or tragedy because they can't control themselves.
My wife is also a recovering sex addict. We found each other. Both so fucking lucky that our past didn't kill us with disease.
We're happy, healthy, good kids, awesome sex life.
Past mistakes shouldn't condemn us to rejection if we did the honest work to recover.

[Anonymous]

I could meet the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent, feminine woman... promiscuity would be a major deal breaker.

People can say 'the past is the past' but people go to jail for past crime, in jobs we provide our past employment history... when we sell a car people want to know the past owners... when you get a credit card they want to know your past credit history... in almost every area of life where people want to know you can be trusted, they look at your past. Ignore this in relationships at your peril...

[Anonymous]

How someone views their behavior in the past is different than how someone else might view it.
If I get in a relationship with a girl i need to know the following things:

- does she have kids
- does she have any STDs
- does she have a criminal record
- has she ever been married
- does she have an aggressive stalker
- does she have lots of debt
- has she ever been hospitalized for a psychological disorder (I once dated someone like this. Big mistake).
- is she financially independent.
- is she addicted to drugs or alcohol
- is she radical about politics (I will usually know this right away)

Anything beyond that I don’t care. Some doors are better left shut. Everybody has their skeletons in their closet.

[Anonymous]

our society focuses way too much on a person's past, you can't get a spouse, a credit card, a job, insurance, and all sorts of things because of your past

yet some of the world's worst criminals had squeaky clean pasts up until they were 30 or 40 or older, and some of the best people ever had terrible pasts, by society's standards

leave people alone and judge them by who they are now

you're just as much of an asshole as they are

[OmNomaly]

Would you want to have a child and raise a family with someone that was convicted of child molestation or rape?

[Lanabear119]

I chose yes because what if they raped or murdered someone in their past! I wouldn’t feel safe around someone with that kind of past. And if they had a cheating past, I probably wouldn’t date him either too, just because I wouldn’t want to risk getting my heart broken.

[DJB72]

The past is the past but it can be an indication of what the future could be. The past does not have to equal the future. Look at what the person is doing at the moment and it will show something about what they may become. An addict who has just started at AA will inevitably change as they go through the steps of recovery. Change is possible but not guaranteed.

[420Rachel]

Not for me. My boyfriend used to be on pills and liquor really bad but he doesn't do pills at all anymore and he doesn't drink heavily like he used to. The past is the past and what matters to me is how you behave and act now. We've all done things we shouldn't have and been in situations we shouldn't have been in and that's how we learn and grow as people.

[silvermoon84]

It depends. If he has a history of substance abuse, yes. If he has criminal past it can be (I won’t rule him out for traffic tickets but felons are dealbreaker). Relationship past can also be a dealbreaker but only if he has had a dysfunctional on/off relationship with a woman he keeps going back to. I learned that the hard way.

[israelisevil]

what about felony shroom possession shrooms less harmful/addictive than alcohol or weed. In NY any amount shrooms is a felony that gets you more time then rapists.

[silvermoon84]

@israelisevil I live in NY, I’m aware of that. Even if that wasn’t a felony I still wouldn’t get involved. I choose to live my life a certain way and I want someone who has the same lifestyle as me. I don’t do anything more than an occasional drink every now and then.

[israelisevil]

What about having a lobster under 10 inches long thats a felony would u care about that. Say people with violent past and rapists plenty crimes felonys that arnt as big a deal as some misdemeanor offenses. an ocassional drink is far worse for you then shrooms people that drink/smokeweed bothe think they safer then other drugs and not harmful. pleasure drugs are addictive and abused not shrooms you can't even do shrooms twice in week or 2 to get 2 trips i only use them once every end of month. shrooms stop reppetitive behaviors and addiction too i use for repetitive behaviors because i got ocd.

[silvermoon84]

@israelisevil I’m not a seafood eater so I don’t eat lobster. I don’t even touch them. Also why do you care? You want to want to do mushrooms, cool. Your life, your choice but my standards and who I date are mine. This conversation is over.

[israelisevil]

So narrow minded idc who y u date but don’t judge people who are felons besides rapists

[silvermoon84]

@israelisevil okay little baby. Sorry for hurting your feelings but there are plenty of women out there who are wary of felons. It’s called being sensible, not being narrow minded. Deuces 🖕🏻

[MCheetah]

I don't pay attention to things like that intentionally and try not to look into people's pasts at all if I can avoid it, but things like having sex with a minor, false rape accusations, sleeping with a married man, etc, can be dealbreakers to me, yes.

[Everglow5]

If they have changed/are making and effort to change. If three days ago he just got out of jail for attempted murder and he has no intentions of changing, than ew get away from me. If he murdered someone a long long time ago and genuinely tried to change I would maybe consider it, but still probably say no. Same with drugs, if they say they quite two days ago, probably not. If they did and the past and stopped, then no not a dealbreaker.

[Hermes-Paris]

Of course. Who wants to invite someone and all their crap into their lives? I ask questions and look for hints and clues early on. If someone has screwed up their lives why would I not think they will screw up mine. Yeah it's your life and your world. Be careful who you let in.

[Agape93]

Absolutely. The biggest one is a sex offender. I don’t care if you just “misunderstood” and slept with a girl who was too drunk to remember her own name, or if she’s forgiven you and you already went to jail voluntarily. I still view you as a monster, and like all monsters, deserve to be destroyed with extreme prejudice.

[SunnySri]

I am not saying it is mam, but it can be. "There is no point in diving head first in water without knowing it's depth."
I would love to know about the past of someone I am interested in, to see if they have changed their bad behaviour if any and if they have changed then past doesn't matters. I would expect the same from that person. That is she should know me first before being in a relation with me.

[Bandit74]

It's probably not something I would ask about because it's kinda looked down upon to ask how many people someone has slept with. That and I think most women lie anyways. However if it was somehow leaked or I just had a gut feeling that they slept around I would probably lose interest in them.

[JosyJosy]

Yes of course. "Hi I'm Stephan, and I used to love torturing animals, but... I'm good now :) "
RUN.