Can someone's past be a dealbreaker to you?

Question

For example do you pay attention to their dating history, promiscuous behavior, unfaithfulness, number of partners, alcoholism, drugs etc.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

I chose neither option. A person's past behavior is the best predictor of their future behavior, particularly if that past behavior reveals consistent patterns. This is even more true as a person gets older. Everyone has the capacity for change but very few ever make significant changes in their values, beliefs, and significant patterns of interpersonal behaviors.

However, SOME people do change and I am always alert to that possibility. Suppose I meet two girls, each is 60 years old, and each has a body count of 50. Girl #1 married her high school sweetheart, stay married for 35 years, got divorced 5 years ago, and has fucked 49 guys in the past 5 years. Is she a slut? Yes.

Girl #2 fucked 49 guys by the time she was 24 years old, then got married and stay married for 35 years, got divorced a year ago, and has not had a sexual partner since then. Is she a slut? I don't think so. Both girls have the same body count but the patterns lead to opposite conclusions about them.

So, to answer your question, the past CAN be a deal breaker, and particularly if the troublesome behavior occurred more recently, but I will always look at the behavior as some evidence of their current character and my decision will always be guided by my assessment of their current character.

TruthBringer · Accepted Answer

The past is the best predictor of the future. Anyone who says "the past is the past" is absolutely delusional to the real world. If the past was truly in the past, then corporations, government institutions and the military would drop the history screening and hire any ex-convict.

In dating, there is a reason why they say "once a cheater, always a cheater". Substance abuse, cheating and promiscuity are all indications of lack of impulse control and indulge in short term pleasure while neglecting long-term consequences. I will never invest in a person who has a "wild" past. Especially since I myself chose not to live such lifestyles. On top of that, any person with a brain knows that a woman with a high body count is a major turn off for (high value) men. Only men with a scarcity mindset get with these women and then complain about having to deal with the behaviors that come along with a promiscious woman.

nandinikhaneja · Accepted Answer

I chose option a because if we talk about alcoholism, it's totally relevent that people know about it. For example, if I am dating a guy who has have had a history of drinking too much alcohol and smoking, I would be pretty uncomfortable knowing about it because I am not being too judgy but I can't imagine someone who is an alcoholic, even though they are better and they have recovered from their alcoholism, still it can affect my future with him coz you never know, it takes a lot of dedication for people to leave alcohol but this habit doesn't too much long to come back. So, I think this behaviour with alcohol can affect me a lot!

Elsa143 · Accepted Answer

Dating history and number of partners.
I don't accept the excuse that I was cheated by all of those 13 girls I dated. If you were cheated then weren't 3 girls enough? You could have stopped dating after 3 girls and have carefully waited for your right partner. Yes you found me today but weren't you patient enough to NOT date 10 EXTRA women? It only shows that you're desperate and afraid of being lonely which I don't respect. Because in my absence or when I get busy with work, you will find someone else to fill the void.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

I think it would depend on what that past is and how distant in the past.. Someone stole a pack of gum when they were 14 wouldn't make me think they were still a thief. But someone who has breaking and entering on their record from 2 years ago, quite different. Someone promiscuous when they were younger but got out of that as they grew up and matured, versus someone that was still promiscuous a year ago.
I think it's a combination of the past, plus where they are in the current present..

Katebfun · Answer

Yep recently ended it dated a guy for 1 month. He had his daughter with a woman he was just friends with benefits she wanted a kid and he agreed, now pays 600 month and has the kid part time. He also revealed that he's had 70+ parameters both male and female and has done some pretty risky things and taboo things. He bought a strap on dildo so 2 women from the net could bang him, he did and they ended up keeping the strap on. He's 35 and his longest relationship was 1.5 years. Bad news, red flags. He just wanted sex.

OmNomaly · Answer

"What matters is who they are now"

This I have seen a lot. It's a weak excuse for those who lack the ability to keep a long term relationship.
To go and keep with their hook up culture.

You have a very sexual side of our civilization and then you have a side that likes sex but would much prefer to find the right people to share that with. Hence wanting to find someone who exhibits signs of being able to keep a long term relationship.

If I were to find out a woman I wanted to be with had more partners than I could count on one hand then she isn't worth it to me. My personal viewpoint is that she doesn't have integrity, self respect or good morales. It also shows that she is incapable of proper decision making, as well as being incapable of maintaining a long term relationship.

If I wanted to have a kid with a sex worker I would. But I do not, I want to have someone that will raise my children properly and set a good example for others.

Lliam · Answer

I tend to judge the character of the person I am with by how they currently are. I'm not all that concerned about their past and I don't pry. Everyone has a past and those who don't are probably boring. Plus, we learn from mistakes we have made in life. And people can change.

I suppose there are some things about a person's past that would be dealbreakers but I can't think of much. I don't care about her body count, but she has to have principles and values. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was a hard drug addict or who had done filthy, degrading things for money.

Simplismilez · Answer

Its only a deal breaker if they don't change. Like I have my own stuff that I've went through and I'm trying to change and get better so that I'm not dragging that into other relationships. I'm all about personal growth and will never hold someone's past against them unless they refuse to grow up or hurt people for no reason.

Andres77 · Answer

It would depend on whether or not they've pushed through the destructive behavior and proven it over time. Drugs, alcoholism, sex addiction (I'm a sex addict in recovery for 19 years).
If they're still in the bad shit there's a level of self-hate and/or diminished consideration for others because their addiction comes first at the expense of others.
Everybody has stuff. Love can help you through it or your love can empower you to get them help because you also love yourself and you won't subject yourself to needless abuse or tragedy because they can't control themselves.
My wife is also a recovering sex addict. We found each other. Both so fucking lucky that our past didn't kill us with disease.
We're happy, healthy, good kids, awesome sex life.
Past mistakes shouldn't condemn us to rejection if we did the honest work to recover.

Anonymous · Answer

I could meet the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent, feminine woman... promiscuity would be a major deal breaker.

People can say 'the past is the past' but people go to jail for past crime, in jobs we provide our past employment history... when we sell a car people want to know the past owners... when you get a credit card they want to know your past credit history... in almost every area of life where people want to know you can be trusted, they look at your past. Ignore this in relationships at your peril...

Anonymous · Answer

How someone views their behavior in the past is different than how someone else might view it.
If I get in a relationship with a girl i need to know the following things:

- does she have kids
- does she have any STDs
- does she have a criminal record
- has she ever been married
- does she have an aggressive stalker
- does she have lots of debt
- has she ever been hospitalized for a psychological disorder (I once dated someone like this. Big mistake).
- is she financially independent.
- is she addicted to drugs or alcohol
- is she radical about politics (I will usually know this right away)

Anything beyond that I don’t care. Some doors are better left shut. Everybody has their skeletons in their closet.

Anonymous · Answer

our society focuses way too much on a person's past, you can't get a spouse, a credit card, a job, insurance, and all sorts of things because of your past

yet some of the world's worst criminals had squeaky clean pasts up until they were 30 or 40 or older, and some of the best people ever had terrible pasts, by society's standards

leave people alone and judge them by who they are now

you're just as much of an asshole as they are

Lanabear119 · Answer

I chose yes because what if they raped or murdered someone in their past! I wouldn’t feel safe around someone with that kind of past. And if they had a cheating past, I probably wouldn’t date him either too, just because I wouldn’t want to risk getting my heart broken.

420Rachel · Answer

Not for me. My boyfriend used to be on pills and liquor really bad but he doesn't do pills at all anymore and he doesn't drink heavily like he used to. The past is the past and what matters to me is how you behave and act now. We've all done things we shouldn't have and been in situations we shouldn't have been in and that's how we learn and grow as people.

silvermoon84 · Answer

It depends. If he has a history of substance abuse, yes. If he has criminal past it can be (I won’t rule him out for traffic tickets but felons are dealbreaker). Relationship past can also be a dealbreaker but only if he has had a dysfunctional on/off relationship with a woman he keeps going back to. I learned that the hard way.

MCheetah · Answer

I don't pay attention to things like that intentionally and try not to look into people's pasts at all if I can avoid it, but things like having sex with a minor, false rape accusations, sleeping with a married man, etc, can be dealbreakers to me, yes.

Everglow5 · Answer

If they have changed/are making and effort to change. If three days ago he just got out of jail for attempted murder and he has no intentions of changing, than ew get away from me. If he murdered someone a long long time ago and genuinely tried to change I would maybe consider it, but still probably say no. Same with drugs, if they say they quite two days ago, probably not. If they did and the past and stopped, then no not a dealbreaker.

Hermes-Paris · Answer

Of course. Who wants to invite someone and all their crap into their lives? I ask questions and look for hints and clues early on. If someone has screwed up their lives why would I not think they will screw up mine. Yeah it's your life and your world. Be careful who you let in.

DJB72 · Answer

The past is the past but it can be an indication of what the future could be. The past does not have to equal the future. Look at what the person is doing at the moment and it will show something about what they may become. An addict who has just started at AA will inevitably change as they go through the steps of recovery. Change is possible but not guaranteed.

Agape93 · Answer

Absolutely. The biggest one is a sex offender. I don’t care if you just “misunderstood” and slept with a girl who was too drunk to remember her own name, or if she’s forgiven you and you already went to jail voluntarily. I still view you as a monster, and like all monsters, deserve to be destroyed with extreme prejudice.

SunnySri · Answer

I am not saying it is mam, but it can be. "There is no point in diving head first in water without knowing it's depth."
I would love to know about the past of someone I am interested in, to see if they have changed their bad behaviour if any and if they have changed then past doesn't matters. I would expect the same from that person. That is she should know me first before being in a relation with me.

Bandit74 · Answer

It's probably not something I would ask about because it's kinda looked down upon to ask how many people someone has slept with. That and I think most women lie anyways. However if it was somehow leaked or I just had a gut feeling that they slept around I would probably lose interest in them.

JosyJosy · Answer

Yes of course. "Hi I'm Stephan, and I used to love torturing animals, but... I'm good now :) " RUN.

Dchrls78104 · Answer

Yes, it can be. Promiscuity is a definite deal-breaker for me, as is violence or a criminal record. People who have had a history of substance abuse or of certain types of mental health issues should not be dating at all, if they have not first gotten and benefited from needed professional help.

Anonymous · Answer

Wow, so many judgmental people on this site..
As if you're perfect and haven't done any mistakes
They key word is "past"
You’re with them now. In the present.
Sorry to be this blunt, but it's absurd, that you would have a girlfriend/boyfriend and be hurt by what happened before you. What happened before you has nothing to do with you or the present. What matters more are his/her current actions and communicating between you

Anonymous · Answer

nope, would be a hypocrite if i did. i'm a litteral degen myself. like i have a high body count for my age, love drugs, love alcohol, am a drop out, do reckless shit, went to juvie before, exc.. so lol, i really don't care. i actually prefer if you're like that too

Anonymous · Answer

A few months ago the younger brother of a guy who I had interest in (mutual, ill-timing made it not happen) tried his luck. Wasn't interested.

The deal breaker was he had a reputation of treating women like shit. Fast forward to nowadays he is in a relationship with a meek/weak woman. One he spoke of very poorly when starting out. She was brunette when I last saw her. She is now a gaudy bleached/dyed blonde cause he with his affixation on blondes would have made her do it.

Anonymous · Answer

It heavily depends on how much of that past they're still dragging along. Since it's hard to figure out quickly just how it affected the person, some people might not want to invest the time searching for some landmine and just leave.

The past itself doesn't matter, it's the fear it what it made you. (obviously not promiscuity, unless it borders on some 20 people orgy on video, but that's a whole other thing )

SuccessfulHornDog · Answer

Maybe,

It depends on what it was and what the chances are they they would be able to refrain from doing it today. Real change is tough and it doesn't always last. But, I don't automatically reject someone for making mistakes. We all make mistakes

DaMack999 · Answer

Past doesn't make who you are today. There Are wonderful judges N lawyers who tell me. Once when they were in college they were Awful people. Smoking dope, getting arrested, and even being in jail. They turn their lives around and are a model citizens today who mentor kids and youth in gangs. Could we just sayi forget now. You are still horrible being in your past so shall you be judged. No. I think people CAN CHANGE IF THEY ARE WILLING AND WANT TOO.

KungPaoTeriyaki · Answer

I would be lying if I said no just to sound politically correct, the way politics have been as of lately. So my answer is definitely, yes.

However that would be hypocritical of myself
to hold another's past choices against them
without a valid and relevant reason when it pertains to me.

Wolfbis · Answer

I wouldn’t want a woman who has cheated because it’s been done to me and it sucks. Also wouldn’t want any drug users or alcoholics. It’s usually too much unnecessary drama. The number of partners doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t care if it 1 or 100 as long as you didn’t cheat on any of them.

MsTaniaUncensored · Answer

Obviously yes but it would naturally depend on what it is. If someone is a known adulterer I likely won't be in for it. Likewise if someone is or was a violent criminal I am not likely to take that chance.

weasley8 · Answer

Most things wouldn’t. But hurting other people would. Rape and murder are definitely deal breakers. And probably some other types of violence as well. Depending on the severity and how long ago it was.

ohshee · Answer

Yes for sure I mean you want to know who your going out with but if you know and thing negative about them. , and I mean you know for fact who they are and with there all about why go there it's not worth it most of the time

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

How many people are actually truthful about their past? No girl ever told me anything other than she never cheated before. Amazing how many times I was their first in that area. It's statistically impossible, they lied.

Jjpayne · Answer

I think baggage is also a term for it... I think I could as long as they could put their bad past behind them and try their best to move forward fresh.

Espresso-Grande · Answer

Yes. A persons past can tell you a lot about who they are as a person. It let's you know their potential; what they're capable of.  I'll look past some things, but not others.

Stoner710 · Answer

yes primarily if there a real criminal, or had a meth addiction meth makes people nuts even when there off it. if they had an abortion i may disagree with the decision I wouldn't hold it against them

cth96190 · Answer

Past behaviour is the most reliable indicator of future behaviour. I am willing to discuss most things, but there are a few non-negotiable deal breakers.

MecheD · Answer

I refuse to judge. Unless it has something to do with me. Everyone is different as well as their interactions.

MissDawn7961 · Answer

his passed means a lot to me ! if he has had sex then this tells me whether it will work between us or not ! thanks

MsClareM · Answer

If violence physical or emotional abuse then yeah, cheating is a grey area but otherwise I think the present is a fresh start with someone

ThatQuietLass · Answer

Absolutely. Each section has a difference in importance to me.

LemiaOfTheCodes · Answer

Its not a deal breaker that I am unwilling to look past it but if they aren't willing to learn then its a no from me

Thatasianlove16 · Answer

I literally won’t even consider this one dude because he’s been a cheat in the past. No thank you

joeldalton · Answer

Absolutely. Promiscuity in women is associated with dissatisfaction in long-term relationships. You can't turn a hoe into a housewife.

Finchie40 · Answer

To a certain extent yes , if it doesn’t sit well with you how will it sit well with you now

Torari · Answer

I do pay attention, but dint obsess.

Something serious like a divorce, cheating, prison time, etc i would probably consider heavily. But little things, like having slept with 50000 people in college I'd probably ignore.

jimmy2 · Answer

I would run away from any women who drink and do drugs

angeliquedevereux2 · Answer

If they've cheated on the last five people they've been with, yes that's a dealbreaker

Yads_Is_Back · Answer

Yes. His actions tell who he is, and with some things I just don't want anything to do with that.

Little_Bumblebee · Answer

To an extent. It depends on what kind of past and why and how they are now.

israelisevil · Answer

A girl with 15 bodys might be best sex youve ever had but its just sex its not ment for relationship As long she has less

GoldenTulip · Answer

Well... this is a hard one for me... but yes it is... someones past says something about the persons character... of the past is too extreme for me it certainly is a deal breaker.

jshm2 · Answer

Depends what that past entails.  Not everything about a person is important to their future.

Don-__-Don · Answer

Anyone in their right mind should consider what they've done in the past.

SavageGirl101 · Answer

Depends on what their past is... like if they touched children in the past and were a whole pedophile then fawk no😁👋

Anonymous · Answer

I would be wary if the concerning part of their past was recent. People don’t change overnight. But people do change. If they have had a few years without making those kinds of choices I wouldn’t even consider it to be a dealbreaker

douride2 · Answer

That would all depend on what is in the past. If he is a serial cheater or a girlfriend beater it's a no go.

scott04sa22 · Answer

No driver's license because That's a huge deal breaker to all women. I don't even date anybody anymore because of it.

_Just_A_girl_ · Answer

If they got away w murder.  Were suicidal. Had a child.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

A person's past behavior is an excellent indicator of their future behavior.

Can someone's past be a dealbreaker to you?

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