Should a woman date a man's potential or the reality of where they are right now?

Question

Follow up! What if the potential she sees is something he doesn't or wants?

GoodManDave · Accepted Answer

Both matter. See, I believe the trick is to get to know someone to see if that potential will go somewhere.

Saying "I want to be a senator" when there's no law or political degree, no work in politics, no willingness to work in politics, no political internships, and he's nowhere near doing that... ladies should consider the likely possibility that it probably won't happen any time soon, if at all. Expecting it to happen because he says he wants to and claims he's got ambition is silly. So for now, the present is the only thing to go on.

Now, if he still claims he wants to be a top senator, isn't doing what it takes to get on that path, but still holds down a respectable, decent job and shows he's reliable, and he's slowly moving up in the company... then, ladies, date him for "the now." Date him "where he is," if you want, just don't expect that political future. But if he's somewhat realistic and shows some ability to do something with his life, then "the now" might be fine if that becomes your future.

If he's earning 5K a year, not working (or barely working), constantly losing jobs, and he still claims he's gonna be some celeb or bigwig... then it's best to wait until he grows up a bit, at least.

On the other hand, if he's earning only 10K a year at the moment, going to school for politics or law, he's interned and volunteered for other candidates, he volunteers, and he's 23 years old... ladies, you might give him more of a chance if at the moment, he's working part time at a restaurant. The now could easily change. You don't expect the college guy or high school guy to suddenly pull in all the potential in a year, no matter how ambitious he might be. So date him because he's working hard and showing he's got a good heart and mind and the future will probably be decent, even if the political thing doesn't happen, or doesn't exactly happen the way you imagine.

ShadezMcgee · Accepted Answer

I would say it stands where individuals are in their lives be it age, goals, ambitions, current work, etc.

I say date in the now. I am not dismissing potential, but I feel potential is the quickest way for a relationship to fail. There is potential for everyone be it growth and where they want to end up, but the quests do they really want that?

I have goals and desires to meet and potential to get there, but that doesn't mean I will reach them. People see potential in a person and I don't believe they take into account the longevity and likelihood of them wanting to reach it or desire it and in turn try to push them to meet that because it is what they want, not the individual in question.

For example, I am a laid back guy and bust my ass with 3 jobs. I am capable in all of them and I enjoy them. If my girlfriend pushed me to become a CEO or personal business owner because SHE believes I have the potential, that will make me grow to resent her because it is what she wants, not me. Could I do it? Possibly given my mindset and experience, but do I want to? I don't want to rule the world, have all of that lingering over my head and nor do I want to be a business owner as those risks and desires are not what I seek. I feel a lot of individuals mistake potential for personal desires that they want in a partner.

SnowyOwl · Accepted Answer

There is a thin line between potential and lost cause.
No one is ever perfect. No one is your ideal vision.
But there is a difference between potential to become that ideal vision while they are not there yet, and just having way "too much to change" to become that vision.

You should know your ideal vision of life, including your romantic relationship. You should discuss these things with a potential partner before starting a relationship. If there is a common vision for both of you, then there is potential for you guys to work together, even if there will always be room for growth and improvement.

But if you sense that you are pushing your ideal vision on someone, that is a red flag. You cannot expect anyone to change for you. Whatever change must come from the desire to change for themselves.

So its really important to get to know a person before dating them. Otherwise if you date before you actually know them, and you discover on the way that you guys are not actually right for each other.. the physical attachment will make it really hard and painful to part, and some people make the mistake of staying in the wrong relationship for way too long. Because they became comfortable in it, and have the false belief that "things can get better".

Dating culture is pretty messed up in my opinion. I believe in being friends before dating. I also don't believe in the friendzone, so if you're my friend there's almost always a potential x) Many of my guy friends and I have had the discussion of 'yes we are only friends' just because the potential for more was there, but we know there were red flags as to why it could not work. Communication is essential, valuable, and necessary for healthy friendships and relationships that are emotionally stable.

Cynicaldreamer · Accepted Answer

So realistically you can't change a person. They CAN change, but only if he or she chooses to.

With that being said, I'd date a guy where he is at the moment. Because I will know what I'm getting into, and he will be himself, the real him... good and bad traits, yet I will still want to be with him.

If he changes throughout our relationship, it will be an added bonus, not something I'm working towards or hoping to unlock over time.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I think it depends on her stage in life, if she is potential with no achievement, she should date potential with no achievement and if she is achievement, she should date achievement. The Chinese word for life partner is mirror image, or counter match, meaning you date somebody with the same income and body type and morals and work ethic and height as you and basically date your extended self through the eyes of another person.

MCheetah · Answer

People SHOULD date the potential within, but they almost always only seek the "here and now" (men included as well, but more so with women doing this).

That's what my late ex fiancée did. She saw potential Alpha Male status in me (though she'd NEVER call it that; that's what she meant; a confident, successful, responsible man in the future). And while I loved her deeply for that, I also resented having that expectation put on me, because I doubt I am "Alpha Male" material (I'm not even tall), and unsure if I'd even want to be. She would constantly say "There's nothing wrong with you; all you need is confidence, and it pisses me off someone like you can't have it, but so many other pigs out there with nothing going for them can." But that's the thing... I don't want to be an Alpha Male. Mr. Hot Sh*t. Mr. Confidence. Besides this one (somewhat major thing), we got along swimmingly, but it was still the source of our only arguments we've have over the course of the 11 months I knew her.

So, not to reneg or argue against my own point, I'm not even sure if people should date the "potential" within someone either, because that could be THEIR potential of you, not the 'you' you want to be.

Browneye57 · Answer

They seem to always THINK he has potential.

Guys get with girls hoping they'll never change.
Girls get with guys thinking if they bug the shit out of the long enough and hard enough, he MIGHT turn into someone she can stand to be with.
Just SO much FAIL.

What is even more hilarious is their magic vagina. Women actually believe they can FIX a broken man by fucking him. Seriously, for reals.

And if she does get with a guy, and he fails to be all she had hoped for, she'll shut down sexually, cheat bail or any combination of these. Women love opportunistically. As long as they FEEL their needs are being met they're all in. But we all know feelings can and do change at any given moment.

You see them at restaurants and gas stations - she's huffing and puffing and bossing him around, telling him he's worse the the kids. She's usually fat too. And ugly. WTF was he thinking?

We used to laugh at them when we were riding adventure bikes around the country. You could spot them when they got out of their mini-van. Usually SHE was driving, and they had a gaggle of kids.

He would look longingly at us on our bikes, and then we'd ride off into the sunset. Dumbasses. LOL

missy52 · Answer

Both. You shouldn't stay with someone who has no future, no ambition or no potential to do better. How will your relationship grow if you both don't? But you should also not be blind to reality. Sometimes, people aren't ready to be at their best and your pushing them might make them fold. Sometimes they are at their best or doing their best and your projecting more on him than he can handle. Acknowledge what place in life he's in and see if you want to be a part of that or that you can accept him for who he is at present. If not, do him a favor and move on.

Tiffany_Taylor_Made · Answer

Women should date men based on the reality of their current status. The truth is almost everybody has "potential." The issue is whether or not people are willing to act upon their potential and become successful. For example, I much rather date a man that isn't a moocher rather than a guy that has the "potential" to stop mooching off me. The problem is that he might never stop because old habits die hard. If she sees potential in something the man doesn't want, that's not too much of an issue depending on what it is. In fact, the subject in question that the man has potential in shouldn't matter. As long as he's able to realize his own potential and actually achieve his goals, then that's all that matters. She should be willing to respect his choices, as long as he's willing to follow through. However, because of the strong possibility of a man having "potential" but not acting upon it, it would simply be more rational to date a man that already met his goals.

JEndigoBleue · Answer

Potential and Reality are both Russian Roulette.

Be patient. Be a listener. Be an observer. Be an encourager. Be a friend.

Let life happen (Don't try to change a man). If you try to force or make it happen, you will end up with the same outcome if you did nothing... "Nothing."

You are meeting someone in their life that's deciding to "I wanna change" or "I'll fake until I'll make it.

If they can't see their potential, it not your job to be their glasses.

Nicolette777 · Answer

A man’s reality. While they may pretend to change in the honey moon stage, it will soon wear off and they’ll go back to their old sloppy ways. Never date a man for his ‘potential’ unless he wants to change or unless it doesn’t bother you that he may stay like this the rest of his life.

purplepoppy · Answer

It's more a case of predicted potential. There's a difference between a 20 year-old medical student working at macdonalds and someone working there because thats all they're capable of. A man should have ambition and a plan to get there, coasting and hoping for the best isn't attractive.

DizzyDesii · Answer

I almost always dated for potential. But its so damn disappointing when they just throw all their hard work away. So now i just prefer to date them for where they are at the moment. Like i met this cute, nice dude. He told me he's a janitor and that he enjoys it because he doesn't really have to do much after he cleans whats needed. Then he said he had no plans of ever leaving that job. Sorry but i ain't dating that. I want someone who wants to improve. Had he said the job was temporary until he can become a manager or something somewhere. Aww shit nvm ig i still date for potential 😂

Anonymous · Answer

Never date a mans potential, EVERRRR!!! This will lead to nothing but hurt, and confusion. You’ll spend years of your life with someone who is completely wrong for you, because your head and heart will be fooled into thinking that he will once become the person that you believe that he can be. The hardest pill to swallow is finding out that some men never grow up, some men will never reach their full potential for many different reasons. I spent 4 years of my life loving and fighting for my narcissistic boyfriend because I believed in his potential, and thought that one day he’d see error in his ways and be the man that I needed. WRONG!!! If you’ve ever dated a narcissist, you know that they never grow or change; they’re simply to selfish to & see no error in their ways to push them to change. Moral of it, if someone is showing you who they are, don’t try to paint a different picture... you will end up hurt and broken hearted in the end.

hi_it_is_me123 · Answer

I am not his mum. I would not even try to waste my time on changing someone, so i find someone who is like I prefere. The genders reversed is, when a man try to change the woman's choice in clothes which is also very stupid. Just find someone who is like in your preferences

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

Both: no one wants to date someone without any goals, ambitions, or desire to improve themselves. Dating someone without any potential will always leave you wondering, can you do better?

At the same time, girls/boys don't waste your time with someone who repeatedly has poor coping mechanisms now. How they deal with stress now, will tell you a lot about their ability to achieve said goals.

Some people can coast through life without defined 'goals' but have positive coping skills. Being in a relationship is easier and if you are also like this then you will be happy. Problem is that if you're a type a person, you're probably going to have some life increase over that type b person. Type a, you gotta be okay sharing that life increase instead of regarding your partner as lazy, and type b, you gotta support your partner getting there.

Its all a balance really.

Shawna100 · Answer

I think it's dangerous to date someone's potential. I had a boyfriend for a while, and it was an emotional rollercoaster for me bc he would never take care of some of his own stuff, but I knew he could be wonderful if he did, so I held on and held on. When it came down to it, I realized it wasn't good for me. I was likely as much in love with what I wanted him to be in the future with what he was in the present.

Sometimes, too, if the guy realizes you're dating his potential, there is a lot of risk that he'll put in effort just for you, but when you're hitched - or when you get used to each other and lazy - he'll likely let down and reverse his progress.

I hope this helps. I'm not saying this is so in every case, of course, but to me it's just a big risk.

Dongtai · Answer

Reality. Because potential is very subjective and in my experience, dating someone for what they “could be” is a very bad idea. It’s never ended well for me. I don’t waive red flags anymore, I don’t place what ifs on them. If I don’t like a woman as she is with no “well if she just did this she’d be perfect” then she’s not for me.

When you date someone for their potential, you’re dating and falling for “your” ideal version of them. You’re ignoring who they actually are for what you're hoping they’ll become, which is subtle cruelty in my opinion.

oddwaffle · Answer

Assuming potential here is grow in wealth, career or financial stability. There really aren't much else to grow other than "growing old" after you pass puberty.

It depends on where the woman is on the part of her life and also her plans for her life.

If she is young then potential is usually the preferred choice. Though a very wealthy and attractive man can be a good choice temporarily to setup her own career or future.

Other wise, "Stop looking for Mr. Right but start considering Mr. Right-Now instead."

If the guy wants to be a starving artist while he has enough ability to be better... well, unless she wants to starve with him and let her future child to starve too for whatever reason then she better look for better prospects.

Smoke-n-Growls · Answer

Date the reality. The potential is just that - potential. It doesn't mean he'll actually ever get there. Hopefully he will, but that's not necessarily going to happen.

Besides, if he gets the sense the woman is dating for this "potential", it could honestly breed resentment or a feeling like she's trying to "change" him. Even if all she's being is supportive.

Just date who he is now, and if he's not living up to your expectations, move on.

pleasestopthis · Answer

The man's reality. A woman of course can encourage her partner to become better, but it's not something that can be forced, and there's no guarantee the man will become what she wants. In the end she'll become frustrated and also her partner would probable feel like she doesn't love or accept him.

kingofthellamas · Answer

Oh just no. This question is so fucked up. This question contains everything that is wrong about peoples view of relationship’s. Let me paraphrase. "I'm going to date you now, not because of who you are but because I think in the future you will be the person worthy of me". Just no. In the future, you will be a different person too.
Sure, you need to have an eye on the future, but don't date a person for what you think they will give to you later, or today. Date a person because you can't keep your hands off them, because you love the way they eat spaghetti or mispronounce the word cheese.

Do it for love. Idiot.

Anonymous · Answer

I would base my opinion solely based on my experience. When I first got with my fiancé, he didn’t even have to pennies to rub together. We both had massive student debt and he was doing his residency. We liked each other and that’s all that mattered. I knew his potential but in that moment we only cared about making it to the next day.

kkirk4442 · Answer

All you can count on, is what he is right now. We all change with time, some for the better, and some not for the better.

Elsa143 · Answer

REALITY. Seeing the potential is just a waste of time.
It's like people expecting me to become a scientist or a heart surgeon because I have that capacity. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. It happened with me and it was so frustrating. I just want to do what I love.
I will get depressed and won't find life worth living. I just wanna be on TV, magazines, films and have my own business.

Live_Your_dream · Answer

I think we have to choose the date for what the person is in present.
If you think about the potential there might be a thin line between motivating and trying to change.
That wouldn’t be fair if you ask me.
love the person for who he is not for who he might or can be! Naturally there will be growing in a person all the time, that is a good thing for both.

Silver158 · Answer

She should date the guy because she wants to not for the potential he may (or in some cases, may not) have so current situation. I've seen far too many women see a guys potential such as he could be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever in 5 or 10 years time but decide they'll come back to him once he's achieved this because they don't want the struggling years but want the payoff at the end. It rarely works out for them since the guy's either in a relationship/married etc by that point anyway or his tastes have changed and he no longer wants her or he sees her for the horrible user that she actually is.

Carinna23 · Answer

When you are very young, probably either as a conscious decision or unconscious you are with his as a potential person. Yet with years, you would choose wiser and try to be with someone who already knows his needs, understands his personal style, and isn't afraid to be honest from early one in what stage of life he is. In that sense, I'd consider to be with whom he is, not his potential.

sapienti · Answer

Always date where they are. First off, dating isn’t marrying. Many people that one might date are not who they would want to marry. When dating, you only have that person for the moment, no point in worrying about their potential future if you haven’t even made it through the week. On the other hand if you’re seriously seeking your future lifemate, and/or even been with someone who may become that lifemate, it’s important to consider where they are in life as well as where they have come from, and what they aspire to. If you are not ok with any of those, bail and move on. This segues into the follow up question, the potential ‘she sees in him’ is meaningless. It’s a projection. It’s a recipe for a strung-out, ever-growing resentment that results in neither side ever being happy, never achieving their full potential and a massive and probably messy breakup/divorce. It’s imperative to be ok with the status and level of who your with. You can and should always grow together.

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

I think potential. I mean jeff bezos started in his garage so imagine the woman who passed him or some one like him up at that point in time. Its kind of like stocks, you want to get in early to maximize your profit, yeah their is a risk of it not going anywhere but that is in my opinion far better then trying to buy in high (a lot harder to do).

Anonymous · Answer

This whole thing has to stop. The next #metoo movement should be men who were manipulated into changing who they were by a female who was being sneaky. Women want equality then how about they adopt the practice of accepting their partner for who they are at the time they get together.

Should men do what females do? Should men date females and then try to get them to lose weight, get implants, grow their hair, die it blonde, and start to answer to the name Susan?

#WomanStopBeingSneaky
#Don'tChangeMe

genericname85 · Answer

that's actually the most common mistake, women make. they get with a guy for "what they see in him in the future". not for what he is... and then they realize he's never gonna be more than he was to begin with and want a divorce xD

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Call me crazy, but I think she should date my potential. I am going to do great things in life; I would just prefer those accomplishments to be shared with a life partner. ... Honestly, if I don't have anyone to share those victories with, I won't be as motivated to pursue my goals. Because what's the point?

pigoat · Answer

That's the problem with the people around me They date or marry the potential  That's why i see so many of their relationships fail time after time after time

talulahbee · Answer

Reality. It's not a woman's job to change a man or expect him to change for her, so if you aren't happy with him how he is the it's not fair on him to expect change.

BatmanofGotham · Answer

A want should date a man for who he is not what he can give her. It's 2021, we should be past this ancient idea of if he has the best job to give her the life she wants. Would a man ever not date a woman because she couldn't pamper him? I'm just saying I think we should be past this point by now. Your dating a person not a fancy house on the beach

JSmuve · Answer

Who even knows if a woman's vision of his potential is even realistic. Like she could be expecting him to be a CEO of a big company even though he's barely passing his business courses. Talk about pressure!

ChiTown33 · Answer

This is why you should look for somebody like minded. Really i don't get why women have so much trouble in this area. It's not that hard to figure out whether someone is a decent human being. It's also not that hard to know when to call it quits on someone.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

See every person has a different potential, potentiality is subjected to market risks so you have to read the documents carefully in the present and reality of today, if you are signing up with accepting the reality of today then you can reap your rewards later, but risk to reward ratio could vary, hence you have to take risk on your own appetite of bearing the risks to earn greater rewards 🏆.

Twalli · Answer

It depends on what his potential is for her. A friend of mine was dating this guy who was losing weight. She was dating his potential skinnier form. It worked out because he started losing it before they met.

Dbach · Answer

I would say in the middle. I think it’s very similar to a sports draft.

There is the raw player with a very high ceiling but a really low floor. And may never come close to reaching their potential.

Or there is the player with a high floor and most likely a lower ceiling.

karolaga · Answer

If he's doing his part on achieving his goals go and date him!

Synikal · Answer

Absolutely not! At that point you're dating the potential of what you want and not the actual person. Men change when they want to for the better. I feel a lot of people get caught up in the chase for that potential and miss out on what is actually in front of them. Whether it is actually going to workout or not. My opinion, not a fact.

CheshireLokiison · Answer

Does it even matter, they are going to date the asshole/pink till they hit the wall. Then they are gonna tie down some simp and be boring until they get bored and then they will leave the simp with his money, try to relive their glory days but realize they don’t have it anymore. If they are lucky they might be able to latch onto another simp after that and we know how the cycle goes. They will look at the younger women with disdain and blame men for their single life.

Minahh · Answer

What's in the future is not certain so why waisting your time when you could find someone else who is what you're looking for now.

Ellie-V · Answer

Oh lord. Please. PLEASE don’t fool with potential. That’s how women end up resenting men trying to build them up from scratch with less than the bare minimum.

psychoticanimaIIover · Answer

As far as I’m aware, a man’s penis doesn’t grow after adulthood, so what is the difference really?

Avicenna · Answer

It’s usually a combination of above, although a guy who‘s a young adult is chosen on potential alone unless his family is rich. The older the guy is, the less he is judged on potential.

nelly83 · Answer

i think you have too much time on your hands. I'm not playing therapist or mother to the man I'm dating. Don't have the time for that.

guesswhoseback · Answer

Women like guys who are seriously driven to become somebody. They want to be part of the journey. But it needs to be his own self motivation not her prodding him

Egirl28 · Answer

Both i think you have to balance seeing the best in someone and seeing whats in front of you!!

Emperorxxxemilio · Answer

You shouldn’t force change onto yourself because some woman wants it, you need to want it otherwise it won’t stick.

jessacat83 · Answer

The person they are now. You never know who someone is going to end up becoming.

RawIronhide · Answer

I think it depends on age but both. I feel they focus more on what is and not what will or could be.

YHL6965 · Answer

I think anyone, man or woman, should date and love someone for who they are, not for what they could be. Doing the latter is road to disaster, resentment and toxicity.

Amazingworld92 · Answer

I used to date this pentecostal girl. She expect me to resign my religion for her. If I used profanity she would get upset. The girl was beautiful but we had different points of views.

Anonymous · Answer

Both, but only so long as the potential is realistic (meaning he genuinely wants to work towards it and is taking action).

Anonymous · Answer

"This week he moppin' floors, next week it's the fries So stick by his side" (Kanye West).

loveslongnails · Answer

That would depend greatly on his age, wouldn't it coach?

karangill · Answer

Just be wise enough to see his capability of bringing that potential to reality. Do not date an enthusiastic child.

Shy_Steve · Answer

First the reality of where they are now then maybe later on you can figure out if he can live to his potential.

TheLastLady · Answer

The reality. Not every man reaches his full potential

EaterPeter · Answer

Both. Healthy balance. Which varies person to person.

lightbulb27 · Answer

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Should a woman date a man's potential or the reality of where they are right now?

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Should a woman date a man's potential or the reality of where they are right now?

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