As a woman is it wrong to work on yourself before getting in a relationship?

Question

Why do women get such a bad rap for taking care of her self. I mean going to college, career paying for her own things. Such as car, house, utilities and Taking her self on trips. What I call “normal”.  Doing these things before she turns 30 makes her somehow ineligible to be in a marriage or relationship.  Not to compare to men but men do it all the time establish themselves.  Yes, she still wants to get married and have children. But she is a person before she met you. I would think if a woman takes care of her own house then she would know how to take care of your house together.  What is the problem with having your own? Purely this is a research and understanding.

Lionman95 · Accepted Answer

Many guys have wrong expectations about marriage and relationships. I think it´s good that women have the chance to get a college degree and get a job for a couple reasons. 1.) A woman who has studied/has an apprenticeship is way more interesting in her character than a woman who came from school right into motherhood. Studying or working forms your character in different ways. Many people I know start in their job quite a lot of passion, they have a reason why they chose their job. 2.) Some guys might be intimated or disturbed in their picture of marriage if a woman goes to work or wants a career as well but her working has also positive sides on the guy´s side. If she also goes to work that means that the man doesn´t need to have a high salary job because he´s not the only one that pays the bills. If a woman also works she´s not depending on him giving her money. That prevents a lot of stress and crisis for him. Some guys don´t want her to work but instead be a stay home but that´s not easy in modern times. The prices for nearly everything are high unless you live in the countryside.
Money is a problem in many relationship crisis and seperation processes. I would appreciate by the way that you do your master if we dated.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

"Men", that don't want women to pursue a career or a degree aren't the type of "men" that these normal and respectable women would like to date in the first place. Such "men" don't want a wife. They want a young and fertile slave (if not a gold digger) that looks like she's straight from OnlyFans and call her his wife. They know fully well that she is dependent on him and she can't leave him unless she's into being evicted. This also breeds the divorce-rape problems, that MRA and MGTOW keep complaining about.

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

I think it would be more wrong  not  to work on yourself before serious relationships or marriage.  A lot of guys might think they want some 18 year old girl-child with no skills, no experience, history or expectations, that is, until she can’t do anything for herself and he loses all respect for her.  They think they can do without a career woman, that is until they realize she’s single handedly costing him thousands of dollars per month because she has no money to bring to the table and he’s (barely) paying everything. Then resentment sets in and he’s micromanaging everything she wants to do in her life.  I’ve just seen this too many times where a woman fails to put her needs and desires first. It usually ends badly.

Marie_curie · Accepted Answer

There is no problem with her. It’s how society views her. Women are considered very eligible in her twenties and old in her thirties. Mean while men are considered immature in their twenties and very eligible in their thirties or forties depending on the type of culture. My mom was told she too old to be giving birth at 29 years old and now my sister married only at 30.
Women should be independent and not clinging to their partners. It’s no longer a poverty situation where having a partner helps with the household costs. The world is free for women and men to do anything they want.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

With the right person/partner you should be able to do both... People start off thinking that way, then there's always something else to work on and next thing you know you're nearing 40 still single, still childless. And then some are more in a hurry and more chance to get in a relationship with someone not as suitable for them because they want that marriage and kids... I get wanting to better yourself, and be independent, but again with the right person you should still be able to do both

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I sometimes get people mocking me saying I wasted my youth by not marrying when I was younger and at my prettiest which. I think it’s a very ignorant thing to say to somebody you do not know because there are many things that could have affected my single hood.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Women are always bragging about their superior ability to multitask, but. . . guys can balance going to college, developing a career, acquiring a home, and being in a relationship. Why can't women do that?

RealMarek · Answer

The fundamental problem is that the risk of a woman’s fertility dropping off in her 30s is high. You might be an exception, but men are hard-wired by evolution to subconsciously seek women who are likely to be able to have and nurture children. This is one reason why women in their 20s have an advantage in the dating market, but the advantage shifts to successful men when people reach their 30s. There is nothing wrong with getting an education and many men will appreciate it after they are in a relationship with you. That said, a woman’s status and professional accomplishments are not typically what attracts men to a woman. Rather, physical features that suggest fertility are going to draw the attention of most men.

It is smart to be able to support yourself, especially with the cost of necessities today. However, don’t mistake having a credentials and (especially) making money for some company for working on yourself or being your best self. That has much more to do with your emotional maturity, physical health, and how you treat other people.

Xitomyth · Answer

I don't know what guys you know, or are in your area, but where I come from, we don't care. If you want to pursue your own life, that's your business. However, in my experience, women/girls who want their own typically focus on themselves instead of putting any real effort into the relationship. A lot of guys, myself included, have been burned by women who want to establish themselves first, and it never ends well... We don't mind if she has her own life or goals or whatever, we'll even support it, but it usually ends up one sided, like she puts effort into her but not into being with him, and he supports her for a long while, but it never seems to be enough or there's just not enough reciprocation for us to keep it up. No sense in staying in a relationship you get nothing out of. Yes, women can have it all, but not all at once, especially when they start out. It's like juggling, you start with one ball and master that, then you add a second and master that, and so on and so forth. Be patient. Start with your education, then get your career going or stabilized, then start dating, then have a family. You can do with family first, then education, then career, but never all at once. Don't say you want a family when you put more effort into your career or education than you do your relationship (s). We understand that education can take a lot of time and effort, but at some point you're either in the relationship or you're not. If you're putting in an effort and actively communicating with us, it'll work. If not, don't be surprised if it falls apart. Also, most women who want to focus on themselves tend to either be entitled or lie to us guys. If a guy asks you out and you say you're focusing on yourself in some fashion and aren't interested in relationships at the time, and the guy sees you in a relationship few days later online, don't expect things to stay amicable... Just be honest, and it'll at least be easier to handle on both sides.

VanillaSalt · Answer

Okay so what men and women look for in each other is different. You as a woman want a strong, intelligent, capable man who can support you and if you lose your income you know they have you and the family... as for men we want wives. Women to come home to and to have kids with. Preferably hot and submissive.

For this reason it’s not really wrong but inefficient. Women are hotter and more fertile in the 20s. Men want them during these years. Meanwhile men get more established as they get older. They have more confidence, intelligence, money, ability... women at legal age are valued far FAR more by society and the opposite sex then men of the same age meanwhile as women age and their beauty and fertility starts to fade things balance out as men continue to grow more established. Eventually men over take women in value in the mid 30s.

But you won’t see women comment on the value of men early on because these 20 year olds aren’t dating 20 year olds. Their dating 25 even 30.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Ok so the only way this is possibly relevant as a problem to anyone is if you are making them wait until you establish yourself before you start dating.

If you are wanting to do these things while dating at the same time, then only an insane person would complain, and you can ingore the rest of this.

If a woman I liked turned me down temporarily, and told me to wait, with the excuse that she wanted to work on herself first and isn't ready to date yet, I would take it one of 2 ways:

1. She isn't actually telling me to wait, she is saying she's not interested in me in particular at all (perminently), in which case I would move on.

2. She really is telling me to wait, and really does like me, but that means she thinks a partner's worth is in their personal success and/or their utility value. In which case, I would completely lose interest, because thats shallow af and I don't wan't a partner who thinks about me that way.

The reason that those are my only 2 conclusions under that scenereo, is because from a time saving and money saving perspective, it is way easier to work on life goals, career, car, house, education, at home skills, etc, when you are already in a relationship.

So the idea that a person would need to better themselves before dating makes no sense. I would better myself while dating, and it would be for the sake of acomplishing goals I want, not to increase my value as a partner, thats what compatibility is for.

Also people run their homes and lives differently, so there would be no reliable way to practice that unless you were so similar that intuition alone would be enough.

Xyglo27 · Answer

There's nothing wrong with that but problem arises when the man isn't upto that particular woman's level.

I'll speak of myself. A high level woman had a crush on me, I liked her too but I realized that she's just too good for me. 😕😔

I couldn't pursue her because of her level even though we both mutually liked each other. 😢

Ever since I removed her from my life, I've been leveling up hard & fast but it just seems so frustrating seeing the woman I like be higher than me & me not being able to reach her level fast enough...
😖😠😢😭😣

That's the problem that arises with high value women. They're awesome but we men just aren't upto their level so it becomes extremely hard for us to catch up to her... 😩😞

boggboss · Answer

I wouldn't say there is where I know people have issue is that there are many women that do this but then when looking for a partner want a man that earned double what she unless she sees it as settling and dating down which causes the issue of when men have a career or job its normal place for him to find a partner that earns lower then himself but from a womens perspective its seen as dating down let me be clear no where close to all women do this but enough do to make many guys salty about it which leads to so many also pushing the whole trash that women hit a wall by 30 nd other rubbish

SomeBlondeChick · Answer

@justneedtokno This question is what separates decent mature men (the sort most women would be pleased & proud to have as a husband/father to her children) from boys trapped in adult bodies (and looking for cheaper easier women with limited self-respect, etc.) and ignorant individuals who believe in today's economy you can make a decent less stressful (rather than worrying where the money for cars, house, etc. is coming from) living on one income (some can, most can't).  As for what is wrong with working on yourself. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. A decent self-respecting man would understand that. But there's plenty "wrong" per inferior men.

Karz101 · Answer

Hell no girl this is just proving that you’re getting your shit together before bringing another life into the planet which I know from me as a young man I wish I had done the same but life throws you curve balls girl grab life by the handsHell no girl this is just proving that you’re getting your shit together before bringing another life into the planet which I know from me as a young man I wish I had done the same but life throws you curve balls girl grab life and experience what you can when you can and for as long as you can. 💜💗💖

Anonymous · Answer

There’s nothing wrong w that. I wish everyone would do that before getting into a relationship. So many people getting married out of high school when they haven’t even lived their life. I don’t see the point of that. I don’t see why you’d be looked at wrong for taking care of yourself especially financially. I do see where you can be shunned for it if you turn into one of those women who have that attitude I don’t need a man to do this or that for me, that’s different. Even if you don’t need a man to help you you don’t have to be like some of these women constantly putting it out there like online.

DizzyDesii · Answer

To guys who can't handle that a woman wants to provide for herself, it can be a turnoff. But then if you dont wanna provide for yourself, you're deemed a gold digger. Its like there's no winning with some men. But then you also have some men who want a sugar momma (aka male gold diggers). So just be careful with who you give your heart to and for now focus on getting yourself together and those guys who dont follow the alpha/beta bull will find it attractive and eventually approach you

lolman95 · Answer

I think that's a generalization without context. This sentiment will also change with region so I don't know what condition you find yourself in. Some areas are simply conservative and don't like anything that could ruin traditions. Sometimes it's women that take a little bit too much pride in their accomplishment and develop a repulsive attitude which then brings the whole women's community's reputation. Sometimes it comes down to moral decisions of switching.
Regardless I believe that it's important to become the best of yourself before starting a relationship with someone.

Anonymous · Answer

It’s not that it’s especially bad in itself. The problem is that it’s doesn’t do anything to make you attractive.

Having kids after 30? That’s not ideal. Personally I’d rather not be starting a family with a girl over 30. I don’t care about your investment portfolio, that’s got nothing to do with attraction. I care if you’re attractive. Younger women tend to be more attractive. So when you say you want to spend your attractive years accumulating a bunch of stuff I don’t care about at all, that sounds like a deterrent to me. You spend all that time trying to get all this stuff done, then you’re just older and have things that aren’t attractive. So wouldn’t I then look to younger women?

If you want to do all that stuff, great, good for you. But don’t assume it’s good for others, so if you want it just accept that it won’t necessarily suit others. And if you want a family and all that, then you’ll need to consider other people.

Anon621 · Answer

I don't think so even though I am a man but I am personally trying to re shape myself after dealing with false narratives for a long time and then potentially try to look for people for a relationship once I feel ready.

hellacray · Answer

It's not that it's a problem. But it's that women want everything.

Like all the things you listed plus they have a list of requirements for a man. Like he has to look good, must have a salary equal to or greater than hers, must have his own house, etc...

Men don't care if you have like 3 degrees, if you have a high salary, or that you have your own house.

Let me tell you what men care about. Your looks, you're selfless, and you can cook. Some men might kid themselves and say they want an intellectual woman. But no we really don't care if you're smart or dumb like a bag of bricks.

You absolutely can choose to focus on yourself. But you're going to have to be the one asking guys out. And this is because if you spend your early years focusing yourself your looks are going to diminish.

So you can't be super picky of what men you want because as you age your options are going to slowly decline.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

Because women who do this are low value. For example i care a lot about how many men you slept with. Can you get a masters degree and travel the world and wait till 30 before losing your virginity or at least only stick to one or two men in that whole time period? Give me a break. Some young girl will always beat you in that department. And same with fertility. Some young girl i can waste 5 years or more and still have a large family. With some 30 year old i got to make some choices and tradeoffs.

Girls who wait are low value and only get low value men.

KatherineJ · Answer

I think it’s imperative that we work on ourselves first!!! Being an independent woman means that when we CHOOSE to marry, we are marrying someone because we want to be with that person, not because we NEED to marry for financial or security reasons.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

No, it's not wrong at all.
But I would counter with "what's wrong with doing those things while also dating?" Really. How can having a man in your life be such a negative? (Unless he's an actual negative.)

As a woman is it wrong to work on yourself before getting in a relationship?

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