Is it rude to bring up a friend's ex when meeting their new partner?

[Hellisia]

My boyfriend (38m) and I (37f) have a respectful and straightforward understanding that neither of us enjoys discussing or hearing about each-others' exes - both of our past relationships ended on bad terms, and neither of us has or wants contact with our respective ex-partners. The subject isn't taboo, and we're both happy to honestly answer questions the other has about our past, it's just not a subject either of us wants to talk about or hear about it. This has worked out great between us and we have minimal conflict around jealousy or the past in our relationship. However, I have noticed that oftentimes, usually when I meet female friends of his for the first time, they bring up his ex. These aren't usually people he is very close with, and it's not usually in a way that sounds particularly malicious or flattering toward her, they just bring her up, like "I've been over to your house when he and [ex's name] lived there together," or "When he was dating [ex's name] this happened," etc. Am I way off base in thinking this is pretty darn rude of them? I understand people have different boundaries around what they feel comfortable with or insecure about regarding the past, but it seems like a stretch to assume that someone you just met will be comfortable with talking about their SO's ex-partner. Signed, A Non-confrontational New-girl, Over Your Extra Drama

[MrOracle]

Yes, it's rude. But it's not unusual - a lot of women can't stand to see another woman happy, even when their own lives are fine, and they'll drop little digs against her without even thinking about it. I see it too often, and I even have female friends who do it sometimes, and I call them out on it.

I'm not saying that all women do this, because I know many who don't, but it's still pretty common, and it's a terrible habit to have. I'm often astonished how awful some women can be to each other...

[Pasiton5]

Why would you, I mean unless they're identically similar in looks personalities hell no would you want to hear about you new boys ex when meeting his crew be uncomfortable especially if they really liked her and they got on and on and how she's this and that, you would feel 2 inch talk after a while be like ok I get it she's a frickin goddess, and you can add well if she's so perfect why isn't she here hmm, and then you hear who said I'm not hi guys sand your alone at the table as they all go running to her even your dude hell he was first one to take off to see her so not a cool thing to do ok,,,,,, ok

[SphynxUK]

It’s not rude.
If I want to ask a question, or if something crops up by way of conversation, I’m going to mention the ex by their name. I wouldn’t say ‘your ex’ either, as it’s impersonal.
I mention my ex and his exes at least weekly. I have children with my ex husband so naturally I do have conversations with him, or see him once in a while (like this week at his mums funeral).

[MrOracle]

But it's a VERY different situation when you were married and have children, compared to an ex where neither of those things are true.

[Hellisia]

@MrOracle Exactly.

[Screenwriter]

Just stop them in their tracks and say "John and I don't discuss Jill and I'd appreciate your not mentioning her either. It's a rule we have about exes."

Smile charmingly and leave it at that. Start discussing sports or flowers or weightlifting... change the subject drastically, or excuse yourself and speak to another person.

It's incredibly rude and thoughtless.

[Finchie40]

Yes it’s disrespectful but most people in general are selfish dumb asses and don’t really think before they speak , and just bring up that topic in a conversation like it doesn’t mean anything , so it just depends on how that topic was brought up in the first place , if it was brought up on purpose to target the new partner then that is just immature and disrespectful , Most people get off on making others jealous, they think it’s funny when really it makes them look like a douchebag , If your partner respected you they would tell that person to STFU and point out to them how immature they are being, Nobody likes hearing about their partner’s past with someone they been with , if they do then they got something wrong with them , All
That matters is your partner takes your side and tells you don’t listen to them they are morons.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Women sometimes feel the need to fill the silence cause it feels awkward so they say the first thing that comes to mind... just kindly let them know we all have pasts and you sont want them bringing up his ex he's with you now and if you dont like it you dont have to come here.

[bobalife]

Yep it’s pretty disrespectful and insensitive towards you. Anybody will be in an uncomfortable position. But I don’t think they mean to do it. It may be a discussion that needs to bring up with the boyfriend to ask his friends kindly not to continue it.

[notserana]

I’d also find it quite rude unless the ex NEEDS to be mentioned. I refrain from talking about someone’s ex even when their current s/o isn’t present out of respect (for all parties).

[Azaelia]

YESSS!! why should we need to bring up about their past when they already move on? You know what that kind of thing can lead for misunderstanding between their new partners.

[Sincerly_KittyCat]

Yes, it's rude. They dont need to bring that person up.

[Nikki6t6]

Yeah I would be pissed… what would the point be? The new couple would feel uncomfortable and the friend would look like an ass.

[spartan55]

Sounds like they mentioned them as part of the conversation. That hardly qualifies as 'talking about them'

[Pj1981]

Depends on why you brought them up. It is if you are glorifying them in some way. People get touchy over that stuff but it's not your fault you knew the ex and your friend.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

Only if they haven't already talked about ex's

in my opinion though, ex's should NEVER be talked about

[Jlegacy]

I don't think it is bad. Anyone who is ashamed or scared of their ex being brought up shouldn't have a next. Own your past, it makes you boss.

[DeltaCharlieEcho]

Can you explain to me just how women became socially incompetent?

[MrJMM]

I would do that just to make sure that person who seeks another partner does not fuck up because they would regret it later.

[townhouse]

It can be a bigger cock blocks but if it's meant to be all ur ducks will be in the row iam human I'll stay in my lane

[dragoblack]

Yes, yes it is. The boyfriend needs to be the one to bring that up first

[FamilyGuy2020]

Why are you even still concentrating on your ex? Do you Individually want to be his or her next Ex?

[Anonymous]

How long have both of you been together? I assume both of you have had your share of relationships since your teens

[Avicenna]

Yeah, that would be rude

[Sketti2021]

It's rude to me, especially if it's often

[tatianahrt]

Yea well that shit is immature!!!

[Hotboy_booblover]

Yes its definitely rude

[karaspara]

A bit yeah I wouldn't do it

[888theGreat]

I would want to know how many exs there were

[Hellisia]

It's just the one ex, we are both what you'd call "serial monogamists"

[musicloverr8]

yes..

[rcljr]

Yes, very

[CallmeTheKnight]

It is very rude

[Iron_Man]

Yes it is

[polishmenow]

Uhhh yeahhh duh

[Skyros]

I would say so.

[liam741]

No it's not

[joey6969]

yes it is