He Seems Scared to Hang Out With Me One On One?

[Anonymous]

There's this guy who is interested and who I want to get to know more, but he seems scared to hang out with me or go on a solo date. He always wants to make it a group thing with friends. I've definitely picked up on him feeling intimidated to be one on one with me. Is there anything I can do to subtly let me know he doesn't need to be worried? I'm amazed he's still like this because he's almost 30!

[BCRanger10]

When he is with a group of friends, he has a more familiar and comfortable surrounding with him. He probably thinks that if he screws up, it won't be as bad as it would if you were one on one. The next time you are out with him and a group of friends, try pulling him aside, just the two of you. If he ventures off by himself, go with him. Try this a couple of times and then try to get him out with just you.

Some men take a long time to develop a comfort around women. My pastor just retired last week. He's 66 and, celibacy aside, he still doesn't feel comfortable around women, even women on the parish staff, and he's a big, intimidating guy too. Some men are just late bloomers. I didn't work up the courage to ask a girl out until I was 20 and in college. In that case, you have to let him get comfortable around you. Show interest in him. Ask him about where he's from, the things he likes, his job, etc. Above all, though, be patient.

[Asker]

Ty. I am going to try to be patient, but it's frustrating. It's also kinda weird that he's worried about this because we had an "intimate" relationship. He's told me he doesn't want to be friends with benefits and has done things proving that in the past, so I know it's not because he just doesn't want to date me seriously. He is used to having his friends around us, but I'll never get to know him as well as I want with them sitting right there.

[BCRanger10]

I understand. Again though, that's why I said you should try to get him alone WHILE you are out with him and his friends. Does he not go off on his own while he's out with them? If not, try to pull him aside. For example, if you're out and you both like ice cream, look for a DQ or Coldstone. Yes, his friends will still be nearby, but there should be enough distance that he should still be in a comfort zone of sorts.

[Asker]

The thing is, if we're out it's at places like restaurants or night spots. It's not really the best kind of place to get him alone. He has this one particular friend who seems to be his best friend and I like the guy fine, but he's ALWAYS invited out with us! I forgot to mention in my original question that I actually told my guy last night through text that I want to see him one on one, and he's not responded yet. He told me once that he was "glad" I got to meet his friends, but I want to KNOW

[Asker]

him more. It's great he wants me around his friends and they're always nice and polite to me (in fact, they know more about me than he does!), but I think I deserve a one on one date at this point.

[BCRanger10]

Have you spoken with his friends about this?

[Asker]

No, I haven't. I'm not that close with them and worry it might offend them. Also, one of his good friends (his room mate) got really flirty with me the last time we all hung out and slapped my butt. I got mad and gave him a light smack on the cheek. My guy didn't see his friend slap my butt, he thought I just slapped him for no reason and asked me to apologize. So I stupidly apologized and kissed the friend on the cheek. THEN the friend told my guy I'd "kissed" him and my guy got really jealous.

[Asker]

so I'm even more wary about saying anything to them. His roomie is a good friend and I don't want drama.

[BCRanger10]

Hmmm, I had a pretty devious idea, but with THAT established, I'm not sure it will work. I would say talk to him face to face about it. "Listen, I want us to hang out one on one sometime. Can we do that?"

[Asker]

I will. I think he'll be calling me Wednesday and ignoring the fact I told him I want to see him solo. He'll invite me to a group thing. I'm just going to be really honest with him. I deserve for him to make an effort for me. What was your idea, just out of curiosity?

[BCRanger10]

(Sigh) Now that I think about it, it might seem kind of mean too, but ask his friend to cancel at the last minute? Now that I think about it, it seems high schoolish too.

[Asker]

Yeah, I'm not close enough to pull that one. I'll just have to see what happens. Thank you for your help!

[BCRanger10]

Glad I could help. Good luck.

[sabinaboo]

If he's shy, he might be worried just because shy people tend to show their true self/act more outgoing when they have their friends around. He might be scared that he's gonna bore you or you guys are gonna have awkward silences/moments. I know because I used that method myself. I think if you just be bold with him and tell him you want to hang out one-on-one because you wanna get to know him better, you should get your point across and maybe it'll ease his mind a little.

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer. I definitely get the sense he's afraid we are going to have an awkward time. I wish he'd chill out, though, because I won't let it get awkward and if it does, who cares? Most first dates have moments of awkwardness. I actually forgot to mention in my question that I told him through text last night that I want to hang out with him solo, and he's still not responded. I'm thinking he's going to act like I never said it, lol.

[mikkie180]

How long have you known him?

[Asker]

I've known him since last fall, but we stopped communicating around January and just now decided to see each other again. We've NEVER had a one on one date. I've always seen him around his friends and I'm sick of that! I actually told him via text last night that I wanted to hang out with him solo, and he hasn't responded yet. I'm thinking he'll probably act like I never said it and keep trying to set up these group things.