Is this stupid? Feel like I’ll never measure up to my current guy’s ex girlfriend because she was Argentinian and he loved her?

[Anonymous]

She was his first real love and she hurt him super badly and it took him 2 years to recover. He’s now 31. We’ve been seeing each other and I know he cares for me but because his ex is Argentinian I feel like he’ll want that still or like I won’t measure up because I’m not Hispanic/darker… he wanted to move to Columbia recently and I just sense he is attracted to Hispanic women… he follows a few attractive famous women on Instagram all Hispanic. he is fully white. I’m middle eastern and I know I’m super pretty; I get compliments often and he has told me he thinks I’m so pretty.. it’s not that I don’t think I’m pretty enough.. it’s just I’m not Argentinian or Hispanic and I never will be. I have light hair and skin since I’m half Swedish too. Is this stupid to think this way?

[Anonymous]

Honestly if you’re going to harbor such an insecurity then you may want to reconsider being single so you can work on yourself, which may sound kind of blunt but it is what it is. She’s his ex for a reason, and clearly he is into you and how you look because now you are in a relationship. But you are doing yourself a massive disservice by obsessing over things that just don’t matter, like her race, how in love they were, etc. Because it is unfair to project that insecurity on to him, nor is it fair to you to constantly compare yourself to her and wonder if he will leave you. Maybe this happened to you in the past but that’s baggage you need to heal from and let go, or else not only will this relationship not work but nothing else in the future.

[Asker]

You’re right. The feeling comes and goes and I get in my head and it’s more of an issue of mine than his.

[Opinion Owner]

I know it’s easier said than done, but honestly you should consider doing the work to get to the heart of why you’re feeling this way so you can address it. It’s easy to brush your feelings off or dismiss them by sweeping them under the rug. But whatever trauma you endured in the past is part of you, and will keep creeping back up until you deal with it. Hopefully you can overcome your insecurities so you can be the best version of yourself in a relationship and have peace of mind. Wishing you luck with this🤍

[Asker]

Thank you so much 💗 I don’t really know how to go about doing the work. I’ve been trying self love and following someone on social media for help and reading books, and it has helped. Maybe it just takes time. I’m not sure where these insecurities of mine stemmed from… I’ve always been like this, very hard and perfectionistic on myself and creating issues out of nothing. It’s a hard pattern to break but I do need to.

[Opinion Owner]

No worries! I know it can be hard, I was very much like you in my mid 20s and it took a bad breakup to realize that in a big way, I was being destructive not only in my relationships but to myself. All sorts of things can be a catalyst to this frame of mind you have; anything from the perfectionism we can harbor throughout our teen years, to major disappointments from men and family alike. It just takes time to figure it all out. The things you’re doing to address your issues are all great steps, and you’ll soon find the outlet that works best for you.❤️

[Asker]

(‘: you get it. Thank you. I’ll definitely keep trying on internal work. I feel much better today, it comes and goes so maybe that’s a good sign.

[Anonymous]

I kinda know how you feel. My ex still randomly brings up his ex that hurt him badly and sometimes I can’t take him out or do certain stuff bc it reminded him too much of his ex. His ex is also Asian and he has a thing for Asians while I’m just white… I know you’re probably feeling insecure but he chose you and he’s still with you :) As long as he’s not comparing you to his ex or as long as he’s not talking about her a lot then you have nothing to worry about luv

[Opinion Owner]

Oops *my boyfriend still brings up his ex (I don't know why I wrote him out to be my ex, maybe it’s a sign lol)

[Asker]

Yeah exactly, you get it. Thank you for sharing. You’re right, he’s with me. He hasn’t compared me at all or talked about her much at all unless I ask. Maybe I’m creating the issue lol

[Opinion Owner]

Don’t worry too much about it, don’t overthink it. I realize I also have to learn to take my own advice tho lol

[GreenLanternI0I]

You have a difficult case, I won't even lie. I know exactly how it feels when you constantly being compared to someone else or constantly reminded about how things were with this person. To give you one out of 1000 examples, we are watching TV, I'm drinking beer and she tells me, my X also likes this type of beer. At first I was brushing it off, than I was getting frustrated, then I became angry and after that I broke up with her, because I got sick and tired of being constantly reminded how great their relationships were and how he is basically better than I am.

[ArchivalMars2]

Don't worry about the looks, and especially don't think about trying to measure up to a girl that hurt him. Believe me that is not something you want to do, you don't want to compare to a woman like that if she hurt him as bad as you claim he says.

[Anonymous]

You are your own person you don’t have to compete for anything. If he likes you he likes you for you so it would be a good idea to stop comparing yourself to his past and be yourself and create an even better future
Anyway

You might want to talk to him about it
But if you still think that there is a possibility he still loves his ex or you still feel insecure about her you might want to take a distance/ small break from the relationship to have a clear view on things, relax and work on yourself and your insecurities

[Asker]

You’re right, thank you 💓

[Anonymous]

That's stupid. Lot of guys have Arab fetish too. They would settle for an Arab girl if they can't find an Asian or Latina. You are ok

[Asker]

Ty💕lol

[bean2k21]

So he dated some Amazon woman, so what?

[Asker]

Well he was in love with her so I feel like he’ll search for her again in someone else and I’m not her

[Asker]

Normally I’d respond same as you but being in this I’m in my head about it

[IHateBeingaMan]

so he was like 28 when he met her?

[Asker]

Yeah I think so why?

[IHateBeingaMan]

just a guess on the question, so he never had a girlfriend before her?

[Asker]

He did but I guess they didn’t mean much.. well only 3. One maybe a month, the other while he was abroad for a few months and then one from high school that was like a long time friend he dated for a year.

[PeterSmith1983]

Yes it is