Is it too early to mention that I ONLY want an exclusive relationship on the first date?

Question

I’m almost 25 and haven’t dated anyone ever by choice so far and now I’m ready to start having a love life but at the same time not waste any time (which was one of the reasons why I haven’t dated)

Since I’ve never been on a date, i want to know if it’s too early to bring up that I only want an exclusive relationships (no hook ups, friends with benefits, causal dates, etc) or that I’m only interested in a boyfriend.

if not, when’s the earliest I can tell guys this so that I don’t waste time seeing guys who clearly want otherwise?

FlutteringFeelings · Accepted Answer

TOO SOON. You’re bringing up wanting an exclusive relationship as one of your standards to a guy that hasn’t figured out whether he wants an exclusive relationship with you. Don’t get too carried away when dating and assume every guy you run into has to walk you down the aisle. Stand firm on your standards and keep them in mind. When the time comes and he asks you a question or he could be moving too fast then you can ask a question or give an answer.

You throwing out the idea of a relationship to a man that could possibly be your worst nightmare. You could be 1 question away from discovering your deal breaker and send him right out the door.

IF, you want to be cautious? Give a guy a 1 or 2 week probation. Before you go out with him the two of you need to be on the phone for at least 30 minutes everyday having meaningful conversation. He has to be the one to initiate wanting to talk to you on the phone which will show whether or not he’s invested then you reciprocate. By the 4th day if he’s inconsistent or leading towards the date then you know he didn’t have good intentions.

Data is to collect data not if the guy will agree to be in an exclusive relationship because you asked him on the first date.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I always communicate it before going on a date if I can.
For example, if I met someone on a dating app, I’d let them know that I’m not here for hookups or casual dating, I only want a LTR and something exclusive.
If you can’t do that, go on a few dates and see if you two are compatible and get along. Then bring it up.
I don’t know the context of how you meet guys but I try to talk to them on the phone/text before I even go on a date to get to know them and then tell them.
It will scare some men away because they also want to get to know you before committing.

Talon364 · Accepted Answer

Not on the first. Because it's not that urgent. It's not necessary. Really? Your time is so valuable that you can't afford to go on a few dates even with someone that you later find out is not right for you? Ok, Your Majesty.
The only possible effect that statement will have on the first date is scare the other person off because you will appear controlling. People are attracted to prospective partners that take risks, go with the flow, and don't have agendas for dating like they have at a job. The last thing you want is to appear desperate. At that point you might as well have leopracy. That statement on the first date screams of a desperate person who thinks there time is up so they have to bag a partner fast.
You're supposed to be dating to find a person to share your life with. Who can love and will love you back. You seem to be analyzing this like a business plan. It's also supposed to be the fun part of your life. Remember? Seems to me the bigger issue is why you feel like you have some sort of time limit. Do you really think that's how it works, or is that just what you were taught?

ohshee · Accepted Answer

You have to be honest before you even start to date you have to look at this person as if they are your friend and say this is what I want in my life if I can't have that this way then I don't want to even try if that's what you truly mean you don't want to wait until after the second date or the third date you want them to know exactly who you are and what you're all about from the get-go before it even starts the other thing is is when you're talking to a person look them straight in the eye with every word you speak every word that they speak and if you pay attention you will be able to hear and feel their every word and with every words they speak you will know if it's the truth or if it's a lie just by looking into their eyes and watching body language

MrOracle · Answer

This is something that you need to be completely up front about. It may well cause some guys to walk away - so be it. You have to be prepared to let guys walk away - even if they are hot and even if you feel a connection with them - if a long-term relationship is your goal, then you must only deal with guys who have the same goal, and that will be the exceptions, not the majority.

AmandaYVR · Answer

Yep, before the date or during the date; either one. It's not too soon.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

How are you meeting the prospective candidates?

ZackBan · Answer

There is such a thing as the art of conversation. If you lay it out there like a condition for surrender even the guy that does want to date will be repulsed.

I'd like to point out that you received a lot of bad advice here especially from women.

The way to go about this is simple. You don't just tell him what you want and don't want, you ask him what he's looking for. He might say a relationship he might say a hookup, he might say depends om what he finds.

Regardless of your answer you can say something like:
"I am not looking for anything fleeting or short term but at the same time I don't know you, so if you and I are both intersted in something real we can take this step by step and get there."

Now this is a diplomatic answer, it won't scare off potential boyfriends but will discourage anyone looking for quick smash.

jshm2 · Answer

Yeah well. you're inexperienced and it shows.

This is a date, not an apartment lease tour.

They are free to see who they like, and so are you. It's only once the agreement is on hand from both sides that some sort of commitment can be agreed. Let them talk and see if they let you talk. If both of you agree there is enough mutual benefit to work with, then go for it. Else, pay your half of the bill and walk away.

You're not special on the market and are going to have problems if you demand they treat you such. Of course you don't want to date pondlife. But sometimes a bad relationship or two is needed to wise someone up to red flags.

To be honest. You come across as too naïve and sheltered. Probably best you get a matchmaker, instead of date.

jaykumar123 · Answer

I think you have a similar mindset as to what I have.
Its been 5 years since I was in a relationship and now when I decided its time to give it a go I also had a clear thought that I dont have the bandwidth and energy to waste on wrong people. I made it pretty clear that I have these reasons and for why I am looking out for dates.

You have a clarity that you dont want to waste your time so better make it clear whether you wish to engage in a sexual/non sexual relationship. Serious/casual relationship. Are you thinking of a short term or a long term relationship.

I hope I make sense and let me know your thoughts and we connect if required.

Cheers to the dating life and happy new year.

Growleee · Answer

I wouldn't say "Absolutely make sure to bring it up!", but men are kind of mechanical, I'd hate to say.. Well, a lot of us are, and knowing what expectations you have could also save *us* time, as well! I'm personally in a polyamorous relationship, and even before my first date with my wife of 8 years, I told her that I was bisexual and not interested in monogamy. Honesty is always better than lying. Again, I'd probably try to just read the date and try to just have fun and enjoy each other, but if the topic organically comes up - absolutely lay down the law, tell him straight-faced that you're not interested in the cat & mouse, and you're looking to build a home & settle down.

Red_Dawn123 · Answer

Wow. This is the first time I’ve seen anyone share the same value as myself. I 100% have the same mindset. Why see someone if they’re seeing other people behind your back. As someone who has never been into casual relationships, It rubs me the wrong way for sure. I always ask upfront if they are seeing someone else (talking to, screwing, etc.) so I don’t waste my time. If they’re the only person I’m seeing, I expect to be the only person they’re seeing. a lot of people might call that “insecure” or “unreasonable” but if that’s what a person needs, then that’s what they need. We are how we are. To answer your question. Be upfront about it. Like by the first date.

kerrylouise · Answer

This is called 'hardballing'in the dating world and its completley ok to be upfront about your expectations.
I would put it on your dating profile- be clear that you want something long term. Maybe mention no friends with benefits or fun. Be clear to mention that you dont want casual hook ups.
The sooner you make it known, the easier it is to dwindle the numbers down for real potentials.
If you play it that way, your date will already know and will have the same desires.
Otherwise, if you dont mention it on a dating profile if you dont have one, mention it over message before you go on a date. An ideal time would be when you're getting to know one another, if he asks you to meet up, just mention it someway then. That way he will know what your looking for an he will either accept or tell you he's looking for something casual.
I wouldn't accept any dates unless I knew the guy was after the same thing

nowama · Answer

If you're doing online dating, this should definitely be discussed before meeting because so many people use dating apps for different reasons. There's also the expectation of having this information on your profile, so it doesn't hurt to double check where they stand.

If you're meeting people in the wild, it should still be discussed but I think the nature of in person initial meetings would leave the topic to be discussed on the first date. Since that's when they learn the stuff they would have seen in a dating profile.

TDDMS · Answer

Bringing up any mention of marriage or LTR on the first date is just going to scare men away and keep you single and your vag empty. Your goals on the first several dates is to find out if you two are socially and sexually compatible. Do you have similar values? What do you guys enjoy doing together? Are you someone who likes to get choked while being fucked and he doesn't like choking chicks, that's something that you might not like. And if you are interested in marriage, just bare in mind that marriage these days is defined as being between a woman, the state, and a man's wallet, so don't be surprised if he says 'no' to marriage.

Moose304 · Answer

I'm traveling back to Georgia next month, I already have plans to meet up with a lady to hang out and chat. I am also going back to speak to someone from my past that is terminal and will not be alive much longer. I don't take ladies to fancy places on first dates. I am also observing her closely during this time. I use the term "hot dog and a coke" to describe these dates. 90% of the time I don't call her back. Yes, I'm an asshole, but I am an honest asshole. In almost every situation if I do call her back it's an invite to my home and I will cook for her. So if dating rules ever come up, I'm a GMF!

Anonymous · Answer

Yes. That’s way too soon and could repel the guy before he even gets the chance to fully know you. Just take the first date as an opportunity to get to know one another. The more you get to know about his personality, the better idea you will get about what kind of person he is & see if you’re even interested in the type of person he is. I would say after seeing each other a few times and he makes it clear that he is interested in you, that would be a good time to let him know you are looking to date exclusively and not something causal.

Anonymous · Answer

I ask what a guys intentions are as soon as I can, unapologetically lol. Some may not agree, and they’ll say to just go with the flow, or maybe they don’t know yet, but that second reason is exactly why I ask — because I DO know what I want. Why waste time on each other if he’s looking for fun or whatever, and I know I eventually want a relationship? Currently I am dating someone very seriously, but I was transparent about wanting to work towards something from the beginning and he wanted the same. Knowing someone’s intentions are important.

Anonymous · Answer

Don't fucking waste you time waiting months to find out he isn't looking for that. Fuck the game. You don't have to reveal your intentions. Ask him what are his intentions for going on dates. Don't waste time. Don't listen to all these people playing the game. Know what you want and don't fuck around. If he wants that he won't fuck around either. Period. Just ask him what are his intentions for dating. Ask him what made him want to go on a date with you. What is he hoping to get out of it. Make sure your facial expression is clearly positive.

LikeALog · Answer

I make my expectations known before the first date. It gets awkward if she's looking for a side boyfriend or friends with benefits. It's even more awkward if she wants to go home with me tonight.

Learning each person's intentions on the first date is wasting both person's time and money.

Make it known that you are only interested in a LTR exclusive relationship long before the first date. Make it known when you first talk or chat.

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

At least during the first date, bring up that you are not into hook ups, friends with benefits, or casual dating that goes no where. That your looking for a long term committed exclusive relationship. That will weed out some guys, not all of them. Some will pretend thinking they might get some down the road.

If your waiting until marriage, bring that up to, if not you may want to mention something about not until you've been together for say a year, or whatever you have in mind.

AviatorTom · Answer

I'd wait awhile. The first few dates, you're just getting to know each other and you're not having sex. When you decide to have sex, that's when you want to let him know that you want and expect exclusivity. If you do that too early, you might scare a good guy away.

Honesttguy · Answer

Remember not all people are honest and open and accepting, just cus you express u want exclusive no hook up doesn't mean shit to most guys, thry still see oportunity to get laid if they just play theor cards right thats what most people do, play games. So yea heads up be aware

Novacane · Answer

I wouldn't say there is something wrong with mentioning it on the first date, it really depends on how you say it and if the conversation was leading to that instead of just bringing it up out of nowhere, but its best to let the person know what you are looking for upfront rather than waiting on multiple dates and then to find out that that is not what they are looking and now you wasted it, so better to be upfront about it.

TruthBringer · Answer

The first date is the perfect time to put your expectations out there. What's the point in being 2, 3 or 4 dates in and then find out that you both don't want the same thing? That's a waste of time and most likely money as well. The first date especially is meant to not only find out if you're compatible in terms of interests and personality, but is to also find out if you both are on the same frequency when it comes to expectations.

integrale77 · Answer

Unless the world has changed then being exclusive is what it means by being in a relationship!

This is the sort of thing you should be able to work out by generally talking with the person your dating and I wouldn't expect any specific need to ask. How you meet up will be a good indicator as to if it's a serious relationship e. g. if it's tinder then it's most likely a hook up unless stated otherwise.

MTC29 · Answer

I suggest bringing it ASAP. Simply say, "I'm not the type of woman who does casual dating. I take relationships seriously, and I feel that relationships must be exclusive.

There is nothing ambiguous in this statement. The guy knows exactly where he stands, and he either says yes, or no.

SeekerOfBooty · Answer

During whatever interaction that precedes the date.
Surely, you will talk with them for some time (whether it be in person or on a dating app) before agreeing to a date, and I think that's the appropriate time to discuss your expectations.

People who say that "it's too early" to discuss this or that are only ever in the business of wasting your time in hopes that you will get invested enough to let things slide.
Screw those people.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

I think the first date is a little early in my opinion. Maybe wait and see how it goes, and how the second date goes, and maybe bring it up around that time? I think it might come across as being a bit too intense if you ask too soon. Just my opinion. And with the first date, that is just the beginning of getting to know if you even WANT to date the person again anyway. 😎

mstbooblover · Answer

Obviously you seem to know what you want from a relationship, and the best way to avoid misunderstandings is to meet and tell each other in a friendly way what your expectations are. Being in front of each other allows to get a better idea of who you have there. Declaring on forehand before meeting is very clear of course, but a big turn off. Well, that's how I would feel it.

Citizenkirk · Answer

It sounds to me like you're suggesting that you're monogamous and you want the person that you're going out with to be monogamous and faithful too you. That's not too much to ask and you both should be upfront about that if it's an issue of uncertainty or in question. If one of you is monogamous and the other one is a hedonist, then that's like not going to work at all because it just won't.

Heartache0405 · Answer

Too bad sweetheart. Love in its entirety is a waste of time. People just can’t accept that. Won’t accept that. Because love leads to reproduction and that is needed or we will die as a species. Good thing is that too many people still do it so I don’t have to

ChiTown33 · Answer

It's my personal opinion that this should be everyone's goal. So I don't see it weird to bring this up right away. However if it was one of the first things a woman said to me I might think she was a control freak and it might repulse me. Because while I think this should be everyone's goal I also see dating as a process. You might not find your partner but you meet some great people. People who will impact your life.

Seangreen · Answer

What do you mean you never dated anybody by choice? Like you were forced to date somebody nah I don't think so. Why don't you see how it goes before you can get into a committed relationship with a complete stranger that's why you go out on dates and you let it grow you just don't go by the whole tree immediately

Subarugirl · Answer

The first date is supposed to be used to see if there is mutual interest. It’s important to communicate your intentions from the starts to avoid complications early on. I think that is perfectly valid to state that you want a monogamous relationship upfront

DanielBlack1904120 · Answer

tell them right from the beginning that you feel that way but don't come on to strong with it cause they will get freaked like your planning the wedding already. just mention it as a matter of fact & your not interested in anything different than that

spartan55 · Answer

Bring it up whenever you want, but the 'don't want to waste time' bit is really not a good attitude to have. Also, not every guy will know if he wants to commit to you. He may want to do something crazy like get to know you first.

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's perfectly fine to make your expectations and standards known on the first date. If the guy freaks out and runs, then he wasn't the guy for you anyways. Ultimately, it will save you a lot of time and heartache to find these things out early on.

ElvenMr · Answer

State this before the first date. People will still try to date you just to f-around with you, so be careful. But people who want the same thing, and you two are compatible will understand it.
I know i'm like this as well, i mean i don't want to casually date and fuck random girls, i just want a normal relationship with a girl and be with her forever.

Anonymous · Answer

There is no "too early" and this is often what's asked first these days. Absolutely let him know what you're looking for and want, and find out directly what he wants also. Yes he can lie (some immature guys might), but usually when you ask directly, and also let him know what you want (directly saying it to him), if he's only looking for sex, this will likely deter him. There's no question now as it's been talked about.

Kate090 · Answer

Just be upfront about what you want, nothing wrong with that. Dont be afraid to lose guys because of that, they never feel bad or afraid of doing the shit they do to us such as leaving us for other women, lol

Middleman · Answer

I totally understand what you say here and would happily accept it because it makes it a lot simpler for all (as you're not wasting anyones time). Every person dating ideally should know exactly what they want.

katiesmuff · Answer

Something to mention before the first date if you get that opportunity, but certainly if you do go a couple of dates with a guy be sure and get that across before he tries to move things along sexually.

DarkCarousel · Answer

I would tell him right away. You could say something along the lines of “I’m not trying to put a label on things immediately but I am looking to have an exclusive relationship.”
In the interest of not wasting your time or his.

Mango-man · Answer

Whatever is your deal-breaker should be mentioned before or during first few dates. At least that is what I would appreciate exactly as you said "to not waste my time" with someone I wouldn't want to spend my future with.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

It's okay to bring your long term goals, romantically or otherwise, but keep in mind that anyone who isn't seeking the same will just lie to you anyways. Dating has always kind of sucked for those looking for a life-mate, not a hookup.

LZPanzer · Answer

I don't think you should press the issue, if you find a way to bring it up casually then it's fine but first dates are about getting to know the other person.

TwinkleLily5 · Answer

Bring it up after the 3rd date. If he’s really into you it won’t scare him off by then. Your goal in the beginning is to get to know each other to see if you like one another or are compatible.

jaybee281 · Answer

You should do so on the first date if you never had a long conversation online - Just ask him what he's looking for - If it doesn't suit you it is what it is - he ain't changing his mind suddenly..

Backseatvibing · Answer

I feel that what works best Is to just meet someone for at least a month before bringing up labels. You went on 1 date seems like a red flag if you start bringing up marriage lol but I don't know better to be honest I guess

kyleelyn199723 · Answer

I definitely don’t think it’s too early. It means you know what you are looking for and you aren’t there to waste time away with someone that isn’t even looking for a relationship to begin with

Avicenna · Answer

Absolutely. Something like that is important for the people you want to date to know right off the bat. I'd let them know when you first start messaging each other.

PRENowNNext · Answer

Bring it up before or on the first date. Don't waste this man's time. I've had women bring things up on the 2nd or 3rd date that I didn't agree with and I felt trapped.

275153 · Answer

I would want to know. I think of he is of a kind to have an exclusive relationship, he’ll appreciate your honesty and if he isn’t, he’ll leave and won’t waste your time.

sheikalana · Answer

I think it depends on how you bring out the topic. I personally prefer to bring out this conversation after a few dates and see if we have any potential and are compatible with each other.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

You tell him when you trust him first understand what personality he has then tell him but be clear with no sex rule and no hookup in the beggining itself like at the end 9fvfirst date or if you are using dating apps mention it in bio

InYourHead · Answer

If you know what you want, and there's no compromising it, then yes lay it out there. Don't waste his time or yours.

Ninani · Answer

Not at all. I always make sure to mention that I'm polyamorous and won't be exclusive either on or before the first date.

ImJustSomeGuyLol · Answer

Say it from the jump, don't get caught up in falling for people that don't want similar things. Not worth it, you can't get that time back, so make that decision matter.

Dargil · Answer

In my view, the first and second dates are for negotiating the deal. I said first, but second is fine. Before the first date is presumptuous and sounds insecure.

mike5150 · Answer

Either prior or during the first date. Don't waste time because a lot of guys will freak out and run.

t-8900 · Answer

Bring it up before a first date. That's how I roll and that's all I'll roll with. Casuals get the boot and hook ups get ghosted.

Commander_Red · Answer

No later than the first date. Last thing you want is to wonder where this is going and you can weed out people a lot faster. The right person will want the same thing as you want.

whosnumber1 · Answer

don't start putting limitations on someone on a first date. you need to get to know the person first. date them for a few months before doing anything like that. don't get so worked up about things. just have fun.

Is it too early to mention that I ONLY want an exclusive relationship on the first date?

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How long should you date someone before you feel like you should be having the conversation about being exclusive?

Is it too early to mention that I ONLY want an exclusive relationship on the first date?

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How long should you date someone before you feel like you should be having the conversation about being exclusive?

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