There was this girl I used to bully really bad in high school. I would make fun of her freckles and I would also make fun of her big forehead and glasses. I would push her and make fun of her because I was dating her crush that she really liked. I now am older in my early 20s and feel horrible about how I treated her. She posted a picture on her Instagram of her and her boyfriend meanwhile I am single on Valentine’s Day. She is dating a very good looking guy who is tall, funny and very nice. He treats her like a queen and I just feel so bad and want to tell her sorry and possibly be her friend.
Yes, tell her sorry.
Hell no, I wouldn’t forgive you
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Would you accept an apology from your high school bully two years later?
I've had exes apologize to me, months, years later. Most of them are compelled to do it because like you they feel pent up remorse over how they acted to someone now thriving in life.
The problem is, when bullies/exes apologize, they usually want 'something' for their apology. Usually a 'it's okay' or or 'this really means a lot', when really no one really wants a reminder that a shitty person exists.
At the end of of day, you're still a villain to her and need to be oK knowing that someone out there sees you like that. 9/10 giving an apology won't make you feel better, particularly if you need it to be accepted. That isn't something that can change over a single apology.
What on earth is with all the 'no' votes? Of course you should tell her you're sorry if you are. It's a great gesture. People make mistakes, especially when young. It would be healthy and good for both of you if you did this. I commend you. 👏
However, if you were to open with a gift or doing something for me, I'd be inclined to forgive you to a certain extent. I'm not saying I'd trust you completely all of a sudden right away. But actions speak louder than words. So, no. If you simply came over and said "hi, I'm sorry... etc., etc., I saw your instagram boyfriend and want to be your friend now"? I'd tell you to get fucking lost.
Source: A guy who is now best friends with one of his worst grade and middle school bullies. How? Simple. We worked together after high school by chance and he kept bringing me coffee and offering to go out for beer, then offered to talk to the coworker I had a crush on and get her to go out with me. She didn't and it went horrible talking to her but I DID end up going for that beer with him, ended up dating a completely different coworker through another random series of events he sort of also initiated and then began regularly going for drinks and strippers with him. Also we went on a trip to London, Ontario and Niagara and Montreal for various reasons typically pertaining to his car or my bike. Fuck man, that was almost 7 years ago.
The gendered result is interesting. Then again my dad used to get beat up and then they would go hang out afterwards and apologize. So I guess guys are quick to forgive. Or just quick to forget. Lol
But I've actually gotten apologies from guys who picked on me in high school, and it's a pretty great relief. It relieves the tension in my head over the memories. It feels less like hostility and more just memories about some kid who was still maturing picking on a version of me that was still maturing.
I didn't befriend them per se because they still had their own share of issues. Which it was revealing when they talked about their parents hitting each other or their mom's meth addiction or other family drama that I never experienced. It just feels like it puts the scale into perspective. It's interesting to me to hear the motivations or where their head was at the time.
But some of them I actually did befriend, it at least became friendly with.
If they didn't apologize, a lot of times there's at least a sense of closure in the fact that I'm an engineer at a multinational corporation, and they are working in the factory assembling the device I designed. I'm not much for classism, but sometimes it's hard to avoid the catharsis.
For me high school was serious, I went to an all black (except me) inner city highschool after going to 9 different grade schools. . We had out own police substation. In fact I had a police escort towards the end after being beaten unconscious. I made a joke once and said" I'm going to the cafeteria for lunch today" to the rookie cop assigned to me. He looked like he was going to faint , I said "why are you worried, you have a gun?" He replied "they'll take it from me and shoot me with it!" I laughed and said I was joking. I never ate lunch at that highschool.
Soon after we won our legal battle and I was transferred to another highschool.
At the new school I met a lot of the kids who bullied me in several grade schools , oddly they were all really friendly and I was very popular with a lot of friends I still hang around with. It helps that I grew half a foot over summer break. I was still small (average height around here is six two) but I kept growing after highschool.
Yes, I would and I have. Appologizing is the right thing to do, no matter how long it's been. But you shouldn't expect her to respond positively or anything. You have no idea where she's at mentally, and how much any of it still affects her. Maybe she barely remembers because she's moved on in life, or maybe it's what she thinks about when she tries to sleep at night. There's no way for you to know, so don't have any expectations for her. Appologize because it's right, not because you expect forgiveness.
It depends on the person, not on you. If your apology is genuine (and doesn't sound shallow or fake), whether or not the person accepts it, that is not within your power.
To believe that you can live without hurting anyone (even badly) is to deny that we are inperfect beings.
I'd like you to take a moment to consider why you want to apologize. Why now? Th answer seems rather obvious to me. You are single on VD and she has nice boyfriend, so you feel like you've been punished for what you did to her (by either God, fate, whatever your beliefs are). The reason why you should ponder on this is because if you're apologizing because you suddenly realized the hurt you caused her and feel regret for what you did, then you apology will be genuine.
Yes the apologize doesn't sound sincere to me. If the girl wasn't in a relationship with a tall, handsome guy and wasn't as successful would the OP still want to apologize? I doubt it.
Seems like you're jealous of her dating a tall handsome funny guy. How did you know the guy is funny? You just got that from a picture? You don't think you are the one who should be dating that guy, do you? I mean you used date her crush so probably this is the same situation. You really feel bad about being a jerk to her in high school then you should leave her alone and let her be happy. When you see her or communicate with her on social media say nice things like a normal friend, don't try to be over friendly or best friend kinda shit. Be a good person. 🙂
Unfortunately I don’t believe your sorry. I don’t trust people so yeah… that being said the fact that you remember it means she probably does. Apologizing's better then not.
At the very least you’ll come to understand you cannot live for nearly a century without regrets. I did this in kindergarten now it’s so cringe and I can’t even think about it cause I was so stupid… oh that girl from high school I liked made a pass at me and I was too dense to notice! I wish I took being on time to my job seriously and valued it more because it was my favorite job…
Everybody suffers remembering something they would do differently. Some people get a chance to do over but most don’t. Everyone however gets the chance to not repeat the same mistake twice.
That being said I hate liars… if you don’t mean it don’t fucking say it. And if your apologizing to make yourself feel better your a terrible person.
If one of the people who bullied me in school apologised out the blue, I'd likely ignore them. It wouldn't be a matter of not forgiving them, but if someone hasn't talked to you for years then they don't exactly care how you are... so if someone suddenly apologised out the blue then I'd expect they wanted something...
Really, it is up to you... but you do need to consider WHY you suddenly want to apologise... is it to do something for her or is it to make you feel better as you feel guilty?
I was bullied in high school and sometimes I believe there is something inherently wrong with people who get off on terrorizing others for completely irrelevant traits. Maybe I am wrong, but I am suspicious of ex-bullies and certainly would not entertain a relationship with any of my own. I do applaud your change of heart and sincerely hope you are now a different person. You might not have any luck making amends with some bullying victims, but hopefully, you will enjoy mutually benevolent relationships with the new people in your life. I wish you well.
For me I have forgiven my grade school bullies. Now I don't have any serious bully issues since I changed my school (Currently I have people more like haters). It depends on her really. Ask for forgiveness only if you are genuinely sorry not because you are jealous. Karma have started it's work now. I would have forgiven though but apologize if you are genuinely sorry so she doesn't gets wrong idea. Don't expect that she will accept your apology. Even if she did then most likely she won't take you as friend because of course she must be still having trust issues. Ask for apology without expecting something because the horrible things you did in past doesn't deserve it most likely. You almost made her hate herself.
I was bullied in high school because I was overweight. they made my life miserable and even today I still have nightmares of being picked on and being ridiculed. Do you think I should say to them, "Hey, it's okay. I forgive you."? Maybe in time but not yet. You can make the attempt and she might, or might not forgive you. You can only try. Or maybe the whole thing is just Karma. For all you know maybe Karma is not through with you yet.
Here's why I wouldn't forgive you in this situation: you waited until later to apologize, when she fixed her life and moved on with a different guy. When she was at her lowest point, you could care less. You're not sorry you bullied her, you're sorry she's at a better place and to me it sounds like you are jealous of her now. It doesn't come across as genuine. You can apologize to her regardless, but I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't forgive you.
Exactly. That would immediately invalidate her apology. I'm wondering if the OP would've be willing to apologize if the girl she bullied would've been single and not be as successful. I doubt it. Wanting to apologize just because the person is now above you in status doesn't explain anything. It means they can revert back to being bullies if the bullied becomes low in status again.
There’s no harm In telling her you’re sorry, but that doesn’t mean she will forgive you. My highschool bully apologised to me after we graduated and said that she bullied me because she was getting abused at home and she needed to take it out on someone else, and while I did feel bad for her, I didn’t forgive her nor did I forget everything she’d done to me.
yes tell her if you've grown up and recognize your mistake. friend... no. I'd be concerned you will be toxic to her new relationship and that your issue is deeper than you say.
are you harboring resentment, jealousy? what is your underlying motive?
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Anonymous
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I had a supposed bully years later try to broach this subject with me. Problem is it's the way he did it. First of all while he wasn't a friend of mine I never considered him a bully. We were at a poker game of friends of friends. Anyways he brought up the past and how he used to bully me. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about as I never considered him a bully to me. He seemed upset and said it's OK you can admit it. And I chuckled a bit and said " dude I'm being honest I have no idea what you're talking about. If you bullied me I guess you weren't very good at it". The table started laughing and he seemed disappointed with me the rest of the night. To this day I wonder if he was really apologizing for something. Or if it was an attempt to make me look weak some how.
That's gonna stick w/her forever. I'm 36 but I used to get teased in my early/late teens b/c I was chubby. After high school I lost almost 100 lbs, but to this day I still remember what the girls used to say to me. You should apologize. It would make her feel a lot better.
I was bullied by a skinheaded guy named darryn, her tormented me and bullied me to no end when i was about 8 til the age of 13.
almost 20 years later, we became friends on FB and he confessed to me that the reason he was bullying me when I was younger was because he himself was bullied and sexually abused by a family member so he took it out on me, I forgave him, told him I understood and now we are good friends now & we need to meet up for a beer to bury the hatchet once & for all.
My highschool bullies were my friends initially. They apologized a few years after I left. Truthfully I don't forgive them. Their apologies were weak and I don't have to forgive them in order to move on.
Your apology shouldn't be based on whether or not she will accept it. You feel sorry? tell her that. She doesn't accept your apology? well... she has all the right in the world to do so. This one is not for your feelings, its not to make you feel better, its for her, to help her heal. Because you were the one who made the mistake.
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