Why's it hard for me to find a girlfriend?

[StuMan1990]

I'm going to be dead serious with this question because I'm not going to kick around the bush, why is it so difficult for me, a 31 year old man to find a girlfriend? I've been trying since 2011 to find a girlfriend, back then I wasn't in a rush to find the one, had plenty of time to search and make friends and such, by the time I was 26/26 is when I started getting depressed at finding myself a girlfriend, I've started worrying and getting anxious, watching family members on both sides of my family getting married, did not do anything to help my self esteem. I have tried everything from haircuts, stylish clothes, getting out, gyming, nothing worked. Only thing I haven't tried yet is selling my soul.

Fast Forward to 2021, I've started getting therapy because of serious depression issues and anxiety, all which are tied to my loneliness and inability to find a girlfriend, yes I am average looking, most people tell me I am handsome, but some just won't accept that and go for a better looking deal than me, in other words women just overlook me 99.9% of the time.

I'm not exaggerating on this, anytime I find a potential or ideal girlfriend material in someone, I start a friendship with them, talk to them, make them laugh and so on, but each time I'm at that point where I am ready to ask them out, they end up being engaged (First Crush) or loses a piece of jewelry, I offer to find it for them and when I find and arrange they retrieve it, they don't show up and in the process dishonor me. (Second Crush), Or meeting someone at gym, talking with them and not seeing them until recently, and learning they have a boyfriend in Cape Town. (Third Crush).

Honestly, I gave up on finding love a long time ago and just want someone for the sake of companionship, so I'm not lonely and procreation purposes, so I have kids and my folks have grandkids to spoil in their old age.

[Anonymous]

Just off the top of my head. First guess, you're too picky. You want a girlfriend but you want one that's out of your league. 2nd guess, you're trying too hard. Women smell deperation and believe it or not they're turned off by a guy that is too into them. Women want you to be interested in but always on THEIR timeline. Just think of it as a game of "red light, green light" lol.
Finally Women are all about THEIR FEELINGS. What you want and think is irrelevant. Know that MOST women are just going to play games with you. MOST do not want a relationship till everything just feels right. And ACCEPT that it isn't going to follow any logic.
The good news is you're now entering the age where women's market value starts declining and they start seeking out guys as guys stop seeking them out. I'll be honest I don't approach women anymore. I just go out, have fun, they see it and approach me. This is key because they know from the getgo I don't need them! I'm on offense from the start and I never give up that advantage. When a woman thinks you're in short supply it drives up the demand for you in her mind. And as I said reality doesn't matter to a woman it's only what she believes in her mind.

[johnnygodeep]

You need to go out to the closest major city to you once a week and just leisurely walk around without allowing yourself to go home each time prior getting three numbers.


Do that til your good at it and you’ll have more tail than you know what to do with… I did it when I was 15 and have been great since. Not Marie’s once and I’m 40 and have never wantingly been without.
A city because odds are you’ll never see any of them again so when you embarrass yourself it’s only for that moment and won’t effect your life… and once you get past the first several flops it becomes a fun game and you pay attention to what works based on reactions and what doesn’t and believe it or not woman like a guy that can on cue strike it up and flirt, give them appropriate and desired attention, very few can and we are kindly paid for out ability…

[yucychan]

Don't get me this the wrong way but you kinda give off a very desperate vibe and I feel you are going about it the wrong way.
The way you phrase it, you just want someone for the sake of companionship and for procreation, do you really think anyone would be attracted to that?
And what is this about women losing a piece of jewelry, and you offer to find it for them? I don't really understand. Why are you offering to find lost jewelry? Why can't the they find it themselves?
Instead of doing so many things to impress others, can you do anything for yourself?

[StuMan1990]

Fair enough point, these are things I am thriving to change, I kinda gave up on finding love when I reached 27 or so, like each relationship I had gotten into failed, most of them online ones. All Online relationships are condemned eventually and I kinda gave up after so long. When I turned 31 last year, I decided to reinvent myself, to become better than the person who just wants a companion, I want someone to love and to love me in return, that's how I used to think when I was 21 and now I am reinventing myself 11 years later.

As for the lost jewelry thing, someone at my local gym (Before Covid) lost a piece of jewelry, she asked me and my personal trainer at the time to keep an eye out for it, it was a little cross with diamonds, eventually we found it and arranged to return it back to her, I know she was looking for it for a long time. Anyway, she was informed by my trainer that we found it and I wanted to return it to her personally, as a good deed. Sadly she never showed up due to reasons only she knew about, made me look like an idiot and a fool in the process and to this day, I still have her cross. To this day, I feel like I was humiliated, dishonored and disrespected for hoping to return something precious to this woman, and she just never showed. I spent the whole gym session looking for her and she was not there, all the way to the December holidays of 2019.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

No one can really answer this question for you because we don’t really know you.
However, I do want to ask, where have you been searching for girlfriends?

[StuMan1990]

Fair enough answer and I'll gladly reply to your question. I have tried places like the gym, bars, pubs, malls, beaches, restaurants, several family weddings I was invited to, these places I have tried searching, these places have helped me meet people on occasions, which itself is a positive.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

I see. Those are all great places but sometimes there’s just no luck. Have you tried dating apps or is that a no go?

[StuMan1990]

Oh God, dating apps are the worst! I've tried a few dating apps like Tinder and all they wanted is me to sign up for premiumship rather than helping me find a fun loving woman, Tinder just wants to make money off of the lonely and desperate men out there, so does every other so called 'dating' app out there that says they have free instant messaging/private messaging, but have it shoved behind a paywall.

Worse, is if someone likes you, you cannot see who had given you a like until given a paid membership, another proof that Tinder is greedy for money than wanting to help people like me find love. So yeah, I have tried dating apps before and only came across bots, fake profiles and rarely met any real people. Personally, I'd rather join the Catholic church before I pay an app for features that were promoted free, but were hidden behind a paywall.

I'm sorry if I sound salty, I've just had bad experiences with Apps like Tinder or ones similar to it.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

No, I hear ya lol. Whenever people say they don’t have luck meeting people in person, I always try to suggest dating apps.

I know tinder isn’t the best but there are other ones out there such as Hinge, or bumble. Which, yes, you do need premiums or pay to see who likes you or whatever crap there is… It’s frustrating, but I guess if there is a free version, it’s worth a try.

I also might suggest trying to meet people who have common interests? Say you like pottery or whatever, join a local pottery class or club?

I guess I don’t have much dating advice, but I know it just takes time to meet people and finally find “the one.” People find love at any age.

[StuMan1990]

Some of my common interests are dancing, photography, hiking, I haven't tried these yet and I'd love to get into doing some of these hobbies.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

I think that would be a great start. You could try to find someone at a dance class or a photography group or hiking group. : )

[StuMan1990]

I got a trail hiking app on my phone, I just need a hiking buddy to go hiking with me on local hikes, maybe meet some folks who can direct me to some nice groups or maybe create a group of my own? Same with dance groups, but I think there are some places I can check out.

As for photography, I want to learn that one the most because I have a good eye for taking photos, I take photos of anything from people, nature, animals, family. Stuff I know folks will enjoy, I'm saving up for a real photography camera, a beginners one of course and see how things go from there.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

That’s great. Maybe you could try a local facebook group for hiking and other activities. There’s always something.

[megabamse]

This might sound strange, but trust me on this. Stop looking for it. Instead focus your time on your interest and hobbies. The more sosial your interest is the better. Let's say acting classes, board gaming gathering, what ever it may be. Build yourself, train, workout, learn. Invest in yourself. Be the best version of yourself for yourself. When ever there is a pretty someone around, don't expect anything from them, don't bend over backwards for them, don't try and impress them or anything. Just be natural, chill and be yourself as much as you dare to. When someone gets interested in you, they will stick around a bit more. You can then try some superficial flirting trough humor. Love finds you, and while you wait for it, you will build yourself a better you.

[StuMan1990]

Very sound and awesome advice, sounds like something I really need to do.

[Phoenix-gb]

I'm right with you there, just started therapy myself for the same thing. Can't say I have an answer to your question as a result but at least I can confirm you're not the only person in this situation.

[SunnyCaliGirl]

Relationships take time to develop and dont let your age make you come off as desperate

[StuMan1990]

Fair enough, I try to be more fun and relate with folks who are like 5 or 10 years younger than me.

[SunnyCaliGirl]

Do you consider yourself more introverted or extraverted?

[StuMan1990]

I guess I can be bit of both really, like I can be energetic, playful, friendly, loyal, sociable. At the same time I like to spend time with maybe one or two people, more people if possible. I do like my alone time on occasions, but I also enjoy being around people who may have similar interests as I have.

[SunnyCaliGirl]

That makes a lot of sense, your still young even if you don't believe me on that and for a relationship I don't think you're doomed :)
Just be you and don't be something your not to attract someone

[innerman]

maybe you have high standards for a g. f


maybe you dnt show girls that you the b. f type


maybe your no not good at dating


am 26, and single, but ain’t in a rush to find a lover. I feel your pain about loneliness. keep trying

[Better_off_here]

i have to say i understand and it sucks to deal with it, i guess i would have to say maybe change your personality a bit, maybe ask someone if they know of a woman you could talk to, i would just say that you're not alone in how you feel it is hard being someone like us.

[Creampiekarl420]

Stop trying so hard there are plenty of fish in the sea women are everywhere even if you don’t quit trying so hard and keep on as you have been you’re bound to get one eventually because there are so many stop worrying about it

[Chthou95]

Because dating for men is brutal and damn near impossible if you're an average or below average looking guy. Trust thousands and thousands of other men are going through the same thing. It's tough out there

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

You're either extremely picky, very strange or don't socially out enough.

You have to go out and meet women or at least let them see you outside the house. That's the way you get a girlfriend.

[Iron_Man]

Don’t have such high expectation at first, start dating from the bottom and you work your way up and you’ll gain confidence

[zagor]

Have you tried dating apps? NOT Tinder, which doesn't count as such.

[TrillXHippy]

You don’t need my advice cause I’m in the same boat as you

[Gordyshore]

What do you want out of a partner?

[StuMan1990]

Well, that's something people rarely ask me. My ideal partner is someone who I can enjoy spending time with and enjoys spending time with me, encourages me to do new things and I can do the same on occasions, someone who really gets me better than anyone else in my family.

[Gordyshore]

You can have that; that’s not impossible to obtain. However do you think there could be more? When you invasion your future girl how do you see her? More like where?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you’re into men.