Does a woman approaching a man to ask him out set the tone for the relationship as her being more dominant than him?

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I know I have done a poll where men have asked for women to approach more often and fear of rejection or being called creepy/a sexual assaulter would be the reasons why they would want a woman to approach first, but is that not setting the tone for a woman to be the one calling the shots more often if she is the one taking the initiative even in the beginning. If so, does this bother you at all?

[HighlyVolatile]

I don't know but I seem to be one of the few on here who doesn't like it. I'd probably reject her even if I find her attractive but then offer to hang out and be friends for a while, and then if we get along, take the initiative to ask her out now and take over the lead.

I'm on the extreme end though. I test 97% dom and 0% sub and 0% switch on some online test; I really like to be in charge of situations.

I'm also an old-school dater following the gentleman code. I arrange the date, pick her up, and pay for my honored guest (my date) as her host. Some newer people seem to find it foolish but I think that's because most of the new generation dates complete strangers, like people they meet online. I never did that and refuse to do that, only dating women I already knew and clicked with in person, and all my exes including my wife were very gracious and courteous guests on my dates.

I relate it to inviting guests to my home and preparing them dinner and entertainment. I don't charge my guests money for that. They pay for it by gracing me with their company.

A woman asking me out on a date throws my whole thing off. So I think I'll reject the offer at first but maybe take over by asking her out instead later on.

[HighlyVolatile]

[...] and all my exes [along with] my wife were very gracious and courteous guests on my dates. [...]

[HighlyVolatile]

Also trying not to boast but I never had a difficult time getting a date of my own choosing. A woman who chooses me rather than the other way around probably isn't going to be my top pick. But I'll give her a chance but maybe first let's just hang out a bit more like friends and see how it goes. Then I'll ask her out if I grow to like her that way.

[HighlyVolatile]

... if she was my top pick, I would have asked her out already. I don't wait around and take my sweet time if I really liked a girl to ask her out.

[HighlyVolatile]

I'm not speaking hypothetically, by the way. I'm still feeling like I'm guilty of boasting but I feel like this is very relevant information that I can't help make it sound any other way.

I'm used to women approaching me and flirting with me, and some even kissing me out of the blue. I'm far from a stud but I think my biracial looks have some sort of magnetic appeal on some women (mostly Asian ones, occasionally some others). I'm weird-looking but some women just seem to be drawn to it like a magnet. It's a minority of women but I draw them so strongly my way as though they lose control.

So I'm reversed maybe from some guys in that it's far more common that women approach me and initiated the flirting than the other way around, and that's why my thoughts might seem so weird for a man on this site. It's why I value friendship and want to know women more. I think even this nature has made me slightly more demisexual simply because I am used to being approached by women. I became way more selective and picky as a result in ways most guys might not be.

Most women though who did this just passed me their phone numbers. I like that way. Only a few ever asked me out directly like this so suddenly, and I always got this type of feeling like they swept the rug under my feet. Even if they were attractive, I wasn't going to pounce on that offer, because I got others who were as attractive to me or more to pick from that I knew better.

But I'm still very dom. So I like to have the initiative and lead.

[NathanDavis]

I've been in three different relationships, and also at different stages of my life and in all three... they approached me first, they made the first move, and they made it very clear that they were either interested, or intrigued to say the least (plus two more times in which we did not end up in a relationship but we did have "situationship")

so I could tell you that out of those five times there was "no setting tones for dominance" whatsoever, most of my life I've been approached by women first, and this is not because I have a fear or worry, no concerns... is just because I am more passive about these things, and it also happened by chance, I am not one to go out on the lookout and think of asking people out to see how it goes

but no, just because they made the first move, it doesn't mean that they're dominant and that I am submissive... in fact, none of them were looking for someone submissive, as they said it, they were attracted to my "presence" initially and that's what they ended up liking the most

all of my relationships have been balanced and tilted to dom/sub... I don't even like that, I like someone that is as confident, and driven as me, not dependent and also with a strong personality like the one I can have so this does call for a balance...

like Priya wonderfully said it... we complement our strengths, and aim for that balance

[CrazyGirl2]

No, I don’t think it does, I don’t have much experience with this, but I have asked a couple of guys out. Although I felt responsible for arranging the first dates, because after all, I was the one who asked HIM out, but on that first date, if you like the guy, and wanted a second date, I dismissed that “I’m in charge vibe” by saying maybe you could arrange the next date? After that they were basically just like any other dating relationship.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Ok, but by saying you had to dismiss that vibe it sorta implies it was there to begin with, yeah?

That's why I'm curious. I have no problem approaching anyone I fancy, it's that I'm more of a submissive personality and wouldn't want the long term dominance position.

[CrazyGirl2]

I don’t think it’s a “vibe” we women have, I think it’s more of an… I really hate to say insecurity that some guys have, but it’s definitely a FEELING that some guys seem to have, that me asking him out somehow reversed the relationship roles. But it’s true, I definitely felt that I was expected to take charge from here on out! That’s why I dispelled it with a simple “so next time, how about you take me out?” Again IF I liked him enough for a second date. But it worked, everything slipped back to traditional dating norms after that first date.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I think that basically answered what I was wondering from a guy perspective. Perhaps I could have worded the question better , but mostly wondering if guys feel maybe less in control if the woman asks first

[CrazyGirl2]

I don’t know if they feel less in control, or if it’s more of an “oh shit how am I supposed to act with a woman who is dominant enough to ask me out?” Honestly, I truly believe that it’s just a matter of they have NO IDEA how to react, and are terrified of making a mistake and blowing it! I could be wrong, I mean we honestly have NO idea what guy’s are thinking most of the time, (except that they always want sex) I mean, they always say “nothing” when we ask them directly what they are thinking. But if I had to guess… I would say that fear of screwing up is their #1 guiding factor in THAT situation. But I was always taught to never ascribe negative intent to an unknown.
But I’m happy that you liked my answer to your question, thank you so much for telling me that. Seriously, that truly means a lot to me.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

You are very welcome and thank you for taking the time to both read and respond to it : )

[CrazyGirl2]

You’re welcome sweetie, you ask great questions it’s hard NOT to give a good answer 😉

[DermalPunch]

In my experience, your value as a long term partner plummets significantly. I read a lot of men on the internet saying they would love the woman to initiate and blah blah blah. In my experience, if a man doesn't have to pursue you he won't treat you as a prize.

It's ridiculous. It's absurd. I don't know why it is but it has always gone badly for me.

[RandomGuy1030]

This is like a broke guy asking why dming instagram models never worked

[Anonymous]

No not in the slightest I’m already a pretty confident guy but I almost never could approach in person mainly just because I don’t want to make a woman uncomfortable or be that one creepy guy that harasses women. Part of this is because I don’t want to compromise my friend or work group environment unless I can do it smoothly. If she shows interest it takes a huge weight off my shoulders but not only that it shows that she’s confident and goes after what she wants in life. This attitude is extremely attractive to me because my last two relationships my exes insecurity and lack of confidence completely destroyed the relationship. I’m also pretty confident myself so I wouldn’t feel like she’s more dominant or assertive than me and even if she was a bit louder emotionally I workout and lift daily and am dominant in bed so no matter what she does I’ll always be physically and sexually more dominant and stronger than she is.



and if we are both sexual doms? Well that’s where the fun power struggles in bed can begin which are great and sexy anyways 😋. So either way I don’t care. Women who know and go after what they want in life are incredibly alluring to me.

[Anonymous]

How in the world does a woman letting a man know she is interested in him mean she is the dominant one in the relationship?

You are correct that men are much less comfortable approaching a woman now due to fear of being accused of something or being labeled a creep. But the other frustration men have in all of this is that women are cryptic or completely passive about what they want and there is no way for a guy to know where he stands with a woman without being upfront and asking her out, and thereby putting himself at risk for the things mentioned above.

Half of women say men don't pick up on their "cues" that they are interested, and the other half complain that men think they are interested when they are just trying to be nice. All of that is a result of the fact that women don't take any initiative at all. They don't have to be "dominant" to do that. They just have to put themselves at risk... like men do.

The dynamics in a relationship have nothing to do with who approached whom. They will be sorted out as the couple get to know each other and the relationship develops. There is no correlation between any of that and whether or not a woman has the courage to let the guy know she is interested.

Men just want women to stop sitting on their hands hoping the guy they are desperately interested in notices them and asks them out. Half of that is entitlement and the other half is cowardice. That's the problem, not who is going to "call the shots" in the relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

I just read some of the female responses here and the entitlement component of my comments is coming through loud and clear.

[BluishGaze]

I rather like the idea of a woman taking that level of initiative. It's a very rare thing, and because it's so rare that it can make some guys feel pretty special. Heh.

Still, to address why men are hesitant to make the first move; well I'm of the opinion that men should ONLY approach women platonically, with the express purpose of wanting to be friends. Then they can work their way up from there, and he should learn how to pick up the subtle signs that a woman gives telling him that she wants something more. That's just me.

Approaching a woman to ask her out spontaneously CAN work... but it's a gamble, and this is probably what most young men are alluding to when they talk about how difficult it is. It's scary because it depends on how the man approaches, if the woman even suspects him approaching, and whether or not if she's having a bad day. I personally don't like this approach, but I understand why some people do it. Some people like it spontaneous.

[ShadezMcgee]

I don't think it does. All it demonstrates is that this woman is more forward and goes for what she wants, so she does show a level of dominance to a degree, but a one time instance isn't going to set the tone the whole way. If it was a continuous thing of her doing it and going on multiple dates with the same guy, then yes, she is essentially filling the role of the man and being dominant in everything that they do together from there on.

Now if the guy she was interested in took her upfront invitation and then was the one making the calls from there on because he knows that she is interested, then no, he is the one assuming the dominant and masculine role.

Ultimately if a woman made the first move on me and asked me out, no, it wouldn't bother me. I would be flattered and take it from there.

[FriendlyDrugDealer]

Hmm not to me no. If anything, she would stand out from everyone else and I’ll have a lot of respect for her to stand up for what she wants/ needs in her life when the opportunity presents itself.


Would I think she always will be “dominant” and the relationship dynamic will mimic this behavior permanently? No of course not. There’s a difference between being assertive and dominant, they’re similar but not the same thing.


I enjoy a woman who is not afraid to say to me, “Hey, you seem like the type of man I want/ need in my life. I would like to discuss that over coffee if you’re available this weekend?” , shiiitt , a woman say that to me, I’m already like screw waiting till the weekend, I’m free right now !

[hahahmm]

No. But if you don't live in a place where women outnumber men, think twice before asking a man out. The natural order of things is that a guy is MOTIVATED to ask you out. If you skip that step then he might just be with you because it's easy. You know what else is easy? Dumping you for the first woman who smiles at him. He's got no investment in the situation if you do all the work. And I'm guessing that if you had to step 1, you're likely to have to do step 2-3 and so on.

That said... I can see why a lot of women feel desperate. Women -- in general -- have less to offer men than they did in the old days & guys are starting to wake up to this.

[TommyMountainFigure]

The parameters of a relationship are usually set out in the early stages, and your question poses quite a thoughtful miling over.
Yes I believe it does set the tone. However, the response she gets also plays a significant part in deciding who's boss.
For example. If she asks, "hey i noticed you looking cute, wanna go out?" and he replies., "err. um".. and nervously responds with "yeah ok. " He's already on the back foot.
However, if his response to that is to fold his arms, look her up and down and say.. "Absolutely" The tone is back in his power.
Of course, if you don't care about the phycology aspect of the relationship, (as I don't) then I believe playing it by ear and see how things go works too!

[DonkeyDan]

I don't know that I would say if she approached me it means she would be calling the shots more often than me. I am happy for a woman to to call the shots now and again, what I don't expect her or necessarily want her to do is lead the relationship if she has approached me for a date.

Also when I have been approached by women for dates before, and they're not necessarily all out dominant, it's just they felt comfortable enough to come and talk to me and it ultimately be her that suggest we go on a date.
It's not like girls walk up to a guy and just say "hey you want to go out", well very rarely. They spend some time talking to you first, and see what kind of guy you are and if things seem good say, so maybe we should go out sometime or something like that.

[HighValue]

To me it just means that she will actually initiate things in the relationship sometimes. That could mean things as simple as initiating a hug, giving her opinion on where she would like to go occasionally when going out, or her initiating intimacy too, etc. Some women always wait for the guy to initiate everything every time and to me, it makes me feel unwanted if she never initiates anything. If the girl asks the guy out first, at least she obviously would be willing to initiate stuff sometimes.
That has nothing to do with who would be the one making more decisions or taking charge more in the relationship.

[MTC29]

Only a handful of women have ever asked me out, but in my experience, this had nothing to do with her being any more (or less) dominant. Women usually end up calling the shots regardless. This is why tomorrow night the SO and I are dining in a vegan restaurant whose specialty is a "Deliciously Sweet Salad with Maple, Nuts, Seeds, Blueberries, and Goat Cheese." YUCH!

I don't want to eat the crap, but I will.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Ok but that actually sounds kinda good though lol

Maybe not the maple so much.

[ChrisMaster69]

No not at all.

it’s common for a girl who is submissive, maybe picking up on how you are or she knows you are Dominant and that’s part of her attraction.

The simply asking part does not usually define the relationship, other than usually it means the asker has some level of confidence

[Ez-Bri-Z]

But wouldn't that in return mean it shows a lack of confidence on his end if she has to do the approaching. That may mean a more submissive nature would it not?

[ChrisMaster69]

@ez-bri-z nah, just means I can’t be bothered moving lol.

It’s often a toss of the coin who makes the the first move,

If you are standing at the bar and a girl asks you out, there is no real submission or lack of confidence, it’s just the girl has the confidence to ask.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

fair enough! ty for responding!

[ChrisMaster69]

@ez-bri-z anytime

[PrettyPriya]

Absolutely not. I asked my now fiancé out first, and I definitely don't call the shots. If anything, we are fairly 50/50 in our relationship. We both play to each other's strengths.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Thank you, it's a legit honest question cause obviously I do the girl/girl thing so I don't know much about how guys react to a more aggressive girl when it comes to that.

[PrettyPriya]

@ez-bri-z He wasn't really fazed by it. I have asked him what he thought and he said honestly, he was thankful I asked him to lunch because he didn't want to come off as a weirdo hitting on me while I was at work.

Purely from a personality stance, we are both outgoing so you could say we are more dominant types. It just works for us though. I think that is where a lot of the goofing around between us comes from.

However, when serious life matters are at stake, I often leave certain things to him and he does the same. I'm just better at some things and he is at other things. Basically, he lets me take the lead when he knows it is a strong area of mine. Same with him.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Like any good healthy relationship should be! You two are so awesome together

[PrettyPriya]

Thanks!! 😊❤️

[ohshee]

I dont have a clue

I'm more Disturbed bye something so innocent so beautiful can be turned in such a fucking disaster and made so difficult with all the new fucking labels because that's how people see it what in the fuck happened where did we go wrong why are people like this why does everybody have to have a title now
Why is something so easy and so innocent turned into something so negative and ugly just because somebody does something it's Unique or off the wall or because they want to they have to put a label on it they have to put a spin on it that's what disturbs me

[nitsuj86]

It doesn't bother men, but it bothers women. Why?

Because a lot of women have a bigger ego than most men. They might say it doesn't matter, but then you will get into a fight years later and she will use it against you. Think you didn't like her enough to approach, that you approached other women probably, etc...

I think women view it this way, and because of that, they treat those guys like shit and then blame them for not being "assertive" enough.

Most men that I know like when women approach them. I've never heard a man complain about it. Just women.

[NamerOfStars]

I think that's reading too much into it. Basic inertia states that if NO ONE makes an opening move, nothing happens. But being the one to do it doesn't mean you have more motive force; just that you happened to be the one who applied it at a specific point.

[Mooseypooo12]

Yes. Men should be the initiators and the ones making the communication and plans. Ladies, don’t chase men or ask them out.
I am in a happy relationship with an amazing guy who had the balls to come tell me I’m gorgeous one day, asked for my number, asked me to dinner and drinks, then kept pursuing me after that. Now we’ve been together for over a year. I have never seen great success where both people are genuinely happy where the woman asked the guy out.

[RandomGuy1030]

Only losers pursue women in 2022 when there's so many other things to do
- gaming
- weed
- WORKING
- learning
I say that seriously. How can anyone be worth shit in this ultra competitive world when theyre pursuing women

[Mooseypooo12]

@RandomGuy1030 okay awesome have a nice one! Sounds like a really fun life.

[RandomGuy1030]

It is... check out the most popular YouTube categories...

A smart man would go out and find the sluttiest + hottest woman for a ONS when he's horny

[cookiecrusher]

Well random guy has a very basic example of other things to do.

However his point is close enaugh.

A guy should never approach a woman. Instead build himself and his life up.

Just wasting time and money on women will set him back at life. And they are drawn to interesting and well off life anyway.

I wouldn't say that guys are a prize. But it's definitely not women.

We both want something. Women have a time bomb ticking and the natural need for a relationship.

Guys gave the pressure to be an attractive provider. And should focus on that and improving their life.

[Seinna]

That only depends on the guy, if he lets that happen... I'm not totally against a girl asking a guy out (though I'd never do it myself) but I dislike fretful and shy men who see this as their only chance of having a girlfriend. Because maybe then that means they're not supposed to have one? In my experience even girls who'd be willing to ask a guy out don't want that kind of guy.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

No this is just a rationalisation for women to unburden themselves of the notion of approaching. The approach serves zero purpose except to begin an interaction. If the man is a natural leader then he'll quickly start to steer the conversation despite the woman having approached him.

[MrOracle]

Agree completely.

[JSmuve]

Also agreed

[bamesjond0069]

Only simps and cucks are asking for that. I literally just had convos with 3 different women while out doing errands today. Said hi or had girls say hi to me many times too. Not particularly to get a number but easily could have asked without it being crazy.

If a girl opened by just saying hi, smiling and making herself look pleased to see me thats about the most id accept from a girl opening me. Or if she has a reason to say something to me. I still need to be the one to ask her number.

In my experience girls who open and ask for number are fucking nuts and low quality.

[hahahmm]

From what I hear, in places where women outnumber men, women have to work hard. But I never lived in such a place so all I've seen first hand is as you describe. I doubt women want to believe that tho.

[annabananna]

I do t think so but I’ve never asked I guy out. I think if I asked the guy out I would wonder if he ever really liked me. I feel like when a guy asks you than you know he’a interested. I know you can flip it around and say well how would the guy know you’re interested but I don't know it’s just how I was I felt more comfortable and secure doing it that way.