I am 42, never been on a date, never had a woman show any real interest, have been looking for 38 years. I need some help/answers?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Updates

+1 y

For some reason, I cannot see the new messages.
Is something wrong?

Updates

+1 y

I can now read (seemingly) all responses

[PrettyPriya]

There is going to have to be a lot more context to provide any sort of meaningful help. All I would be doing is guessing at what the issue might be. Why don't you start by saying what the problem you think is causing this and maybe I can expand on that.

I could point to any number of things as guesses. Personality would be one. That is number one on my list of things of importance. Personality is made up of lots of character traits and basically comes down to your personality has to mesh with mine.

Another guess would be you are looking in the wrong places. I give a lot of advice on here and my go to advice for meeting people with higher potential for a date is to look around your local area for a club or activity group.

You will meet likeminded people that already share a common interest. Much easier to break the ice that way. So, if you can shed some more light on what you think might be the problem, I will revise my answer accordingly.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Hello, PrettyPriya (the name alone makes me smile)

I truly do not know the quality of my personality. One of the hallmarks of the culture where I live is that they are never honest.

This is the rural midwest. There are no clubs, only churches. the level of Christian/Conservative dominance here is very high. You are either one of them or you are their enemy. Their is little diversity here.

I have been looking to meet people online, but no luck.

My interests are vast and wide-ranging including: Cooking, Gardening, Electrical apparatus construction, Painting and drawing, Foreign Films, Alternate energy research, reading and book collecting, and more.

For me, there are no like-minded people, especially here.

Thank You for your interest.

[PrettyPriya]

Haha thanks for the compliment on the name. If you check my bio you will learn why. Well, you have lots of interests. Surely you can find someone that enjoys similar.

Now, you are right that your culture is very different from mine. But! I may have just the person for you to talk to!

@SecretsofKB any advice for a fellow midwesterner?

[HighlyQuestionable]

PrettyPriya

I think I created a misunderstanding. perhaps OUR cultures are not that different. I Live amongst Christian Midwesterners, but I am wholly different from them. My value system is radically different from theirs. Without being guilty of "appropriation" it may be said that I have as much, if not more in common with a person whose origins are in Southern Asia.

[PrettyPriya]

I understood you and I think you will find the person I tagged has much in common with your situation.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Ok, I think that I understand. Thank You. What is your personal opinion of me at this point?

[SecretsofKB]

@PrettyPriya @HighlyQuestionable

Hey! I am here!! So like she said, I am a fellow midwesterner! Born and raised in a small town in the middle of a corn field. I know exactly what you mean when you say there isn't much for clubs but what they lack there, they make up in churches per town...

So for certain reasons, the Christian church and I don't have a great relationship. I moved to a larger city (still in the midwest) with values and interests that more closely align with mine. I know moving is not necessarily the most feasible thing, but I honestly would recommend it.

It does open up a lot of opportunities to meet people with similar interests as you in a place that doesn't live underneath the church's thumb. Speaking from first hand experience on this one.

[PrettyPriya]

@HighlyQuestionable very limited interaction aside, you seem polite, friendly and outgoing.

You come off as someone I could chat to if I met them. I think I could easily have a conversation.

[HighlyQuestionable]

@SecretsofKB Thank you for your response. I have wanted to move for most of my life. Unfortunately, between financial challenges and the inability to drive an automobile, this is not an option.
If I may speak rhetorically, why do those of us who are oppressed in/by middle america always move away and let the j*susfreaks have these towns to themselves. Perhaps these towns should be made more like the cities that we would flee to... perhaps forceably, if necessary?, rhetorically speaking, of course.

[SecretsofKB]

@HighlyQuestionable

That is a great question. I will admit, I do enjoy living in the city a lot more than in rural areas though. Not just for the fact that I am more welcome in a city.

[HighlyQuestionable]

PrettyPriya,

I read your bio. Now I "get" your username.
Congratulations on your engagement.
You are located in Antarctica? are you doing research there?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Priya, I cannot see SecretsofKB's messages anymore, do you know what happened?

[PrettyPriya]

Ah, sorry. Fell asleep there. I’m Indian. I’m currently in Australia so late here. I had to take a nap and that turned into a marathon nap.

I can see her comments. I think all is good. I’m off now though. I’ll catch up later! 🙂

[SecretsofKB]

I did respond to your last message directed at me.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Secrets of KB, where did you go? I can't find you or your message anywhere.

[PrettyPriya]

That’s because she hasn’t replied. I think she has said what she can at this point. Is there something further you are looking for?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Very sorry, Priya and Secrets

I am new to this website, I didn't notice that half of the comments are hidden in a kind of drop-down menu. Very confusing.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Thank You, PrettyPriya.

Your compliments are greatly valued.

[PrettyPriya]

No problem at all. You are right. They show the first 2-3 replies, depending on length, and the rest is under the drop down.

Also, if you want to tag a user, you need to use the @ symbol. You can just call me Priya or tag me like @prettypriya. 👍

[Adronicus]

I live in a rural area too, I get what you mean, they're like cattle, spook one & you've spooked the herd, it's so pathetic but I have to admit it's effective. They try to force conforming to them & use ostracism if you refuse. I would move, what I plan on doing. What caused all my problems was simply rejecting a girl I thought I was doing a favor to. How was I to know it was some crazy chick that can't take no for an answer? I can't get a job around here, when i mwet women lots of them like me only for next time I see them won't even look at me. Getti, g attacked by gutless cowards too afraid to accuse you to your face sucks.

[HighlyQuestionable]

It all sounds very familiar. I have had this problem for decades. But just walking away (it sounds good to me, I admit) is letting them "get away" with what they do. have you ever considered doing something about it? Why in the h*ll should we just turn our cheeks and let these "communities" continue this? What about the next boy or girl who has to grow up in this misery?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Wait a sec... I read your message again, in depth. and I think our problems may be a bit different. You had me up to:

"What caused all my problems was simply rejecting a girl I thought I was doing a favor to. How was I to know it was some crazy chick that can't take no for an answer"

Ok, I have a healthy ego, but I would never think that I was "doing a favor to" (should be "for") someone I went out with.

I agree with much of what you said, but we have very different approaches/attitudes to such things.

[Adronicus]

I've taken care of my mom since I eas 19 & still do. That takes most my time & energy to keep this ship afloat. Thats why I rejected, I wasn't able to dedicate myself wholly to her. I have made efforts, even joined a church, donated my time at nursing homes etc..

[HighlyQuestionable]

Ok, I get what you mean now. Your dedication to your family is commendable.

[OlderAndWiser]

You have been looking for a woman since you were 4 years old?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Yes, well back then I was looking for a girl.

[HighlyQuestionable]

I first experienced attraction to a girl my age around age 4, yes, why is everyone so surprised by this? I guess this is the difference between a true "Heteroromantic" and mere "heterosexuals"? ... My attraction to girls/women is based on aesthetic, intellectual and emotional factors, not hormones nor a desire to reproduce.

[OlderAndWiser]

I guess you are just more advanced than the rest of us.

[HighlyQuestionable]

I don't know whether I am more advanced or just different, but the result is the same and unpleasant.

[Bluemax]

It's a bit difficult to offer advice based on so little information.

Are you employed? How are you with friendships with women? Are you physically attractive?

What do *you* think might be the reason?

[HighlyQuestionable]

No, Not employed, it is impossible to get a job here w/o transportation (no public transportation), I did sell on etsy, but that dried up.

I have never really had any interest in platonic relationships (except for family).

As for looks, I don't know. I have suffered from what some call "privation syndrome" and it has aged me prematurely. So probably not much to look at. if I had the money, I'd get plastic surgery.

My intellect is all that I have going for me. In time I will perhaps lose that as well.

[Avicenna]

Hard to say without knowing you. What are you looking for in a woman?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Avicenna,

thanks for asking

Beauty, Intelligence, Individualism (if she has to ask her friends whether she should like me... thats a problem) kindness, and the ability to empathise with others who are not like her. ideally, if we could share interests, etc. as well.

[Avicenna]

Then you need to meet a woman professionally or part of an interest group that you can make a good impression on and carry a convo with.

[Avicenna]

OK, I see your responses to others. If you can’t drive a vehicle, you need to move to Minneapolis, Chicago, or a college town where that isn’t a problem.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Avicenna, Yes I am seriously considering that kind of move. Never been to the "Big City" before. It would be quite a change.

[Avicenna]

Seems like it would be a better fit for you

[Chazmatazz269]

You’ve been trying to get a woman since you were four? Ell oh ell!

[HighlyQuestionable]

Glad you got a good laugh, why is it funny?

[Chazmatazz269]

Because it’s nonsense. Four year olds don’t date. They’re not even remotely interested in dating, sex or marriage. Most four year olds still believe that the opposite sex has “cooties”. When you post ridiculous nonsense, you should expect people to find it humorous.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Chaz, you really don't understand or appreciate personal diversity. You fall into that massive catagory of people who think that everyone, everywhere in the world is like them and their friends. It's ok, I live in a backward conservative midwestern town, so I used to this attitude. Not everything that is foreign to you is ridiculous nonsense.

[HighlyQuestionable]

*I am

[HighlyQuestionable]

Your own statement : MOST 4 year olds

[HighlyQuestionable]

Those of you who scoff/laugh at my statement of early attraction to the opposite gender may want to read this article: "What to do when your 5-year-old announces he's in love".

[Sandeeppingping]

You've been looking ever since you were 4? How do you even know that?

[Sandeeppingping]

Dickheadness and douchebaggery aside though, ask yourself questions and you'll get an answer, How fat am I? Is my financial life good? How outgoing am I? How loud and bold am I? How well do I take care of myself physically? Do I cut my hair like a north Korean soldier and if so should I go to a hair stylist? Shit like that man take care of yourself be loud and bold and the rest will take care of itself

[Chthou95]

Damn. Well you shouldn't feel too bad. a lot and i mean a lot of men are single for life. At this point, its normal for a guy your age to still have no experiences with women

[HighlyQuestionable]

You are too kind, lol. No man should have to be single for life, and any culture that does that to a guy is dehumanizing. I don't know how "normal" it is for a 40+ to have not even a single girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I can only help when you ACCEPT that that's NOT a problem.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Anonymous, what the h*ll are you talking about?

[Opinion Owner]

Your mindset. You're never dating isn't a problem. The fact that you consider it a problem is the problem.

[HighlyQuestionable]

No Anonymous, opinion owner, The problem itself is the problem! Of course I consider it a problem. You who have fulfilled lives are happy BECAUSE they are fulfilled. Those of us who suffer privation have had it up to here with this BS about mindset and attitude. Reality is reality and the lack of a girlfriend in my life is a source of pain, the very absence. get that through your thick (and perhaps empty) skulls. Privation causes illness, premature aging, etc. these are real physical issues, not a question of mindset. Human beings are not meant to be deprived of social connections.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm happy and fulfilled because my happiness is not contigent on how many women are willing to date me.
I want to help man. But first you have accept that what you want is NOT the problem. The world does not care what anyone wants.

[HighlyQuestionable]

The idea that "The world does not care what anyone wants" (if that statement is true) is entirely the problem. If society does not provide for ALL of it's members, then it is not a society or a civilization, but is instead a "jungle". This is why we have so much violence and strife in this "society".

This attitude is a main contributing factor for the majority of spree killings in the USA. If people are not treated like equals, violence results. Simple as that.

Until society treats everyone as equals, problems will occur. When people are treated like animals, they are likely to behave as such.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Opinion owner, My happiness is not contingent on how MANY women would date me. I am only interested in finding "the One".

by the way, are you single/have you ever dated?

[Guy13]

You have to be trolling... there's no way.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Hello, wow, many responses.

Ok, first, I don't know what "trolling" is, but I don't think that I am guilty of it.

Sandepingping.. I don't think that I am guilty of douchebaggery, Dickheadedness etc. but am not sure. I am in very good physical condition. I am financially challenged, because I live in a rural area w/o public transpo and cannot drive because of a mild perceptual disability. No, I am not "loud and Bold" because that isn't my personality.

Yes, the age of 4 is when I first found girls attractive. This is not a joke. I am not "wired" like most people/men. My attraction to women is not merely sexual, but something a bit beyond that. Intensely emotional, intellectual, aesthetic. I constantly got comments like "weird, "strange, etc. as a kid. I was disliked in my conservative town.

As for what I am looking for in a Woman: Beauty, Intelligence, a strong individualist who does not follow, a Woman who is capable of true love and understanding. Someone who challenges me without asking for more than I can do/be.

PrettyPriya: Yours was the most interesting and showed real curiosity, I will write a separate response for you

[HighlyQuestionable]

Guy13, why is there "No Way" ? and what is Trolling?

[Nathan25]

4 year old bachelor?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Yes, from 4 to 40 plus. 40 years of batchelorhood.

[In_Trance]

So what questions do you have?

[HighlyQuestionable]

Hello, In_Trance

Just generally trying to learn more about dating. How to know what "types" might be interested in me, etc.

[MangoBob]

You started looking for dates at 4 years old?

[single850]

Courage guy!

[HighlyQuestionable]

Courage I have, Girlfriend I do not.

[single850]

I meant that i know that this is not easy to date a girl. I'm in the same situation as you about it. That's why i told you ''courage'' lol. Sorry for my English.

[HighlyQuestionable]

Ok, Thanks , I understand.
Where are you located?
I'd hate to think this is a global problem.
Dating should not be this difficult.

[single850]

I live in Switzerland. You're welcome. Yes, that's not easy to date a woman in my country too.