Mom is dating a much younger guy. She's crazy about him. I'm worried her heart will be broken. Should I say anything? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I'm really concerned my mom is making a big mistake by dating a guy way too young for her (14 years younger). When it started out I was pretty sure it would just be a fun fling. At that point I was super happy for my mom. I don't know him well, but I can tell they do get along pretty great, they really enjoy being around each other, , and he is super attractive (I gave my mom a high 5 when I saw his picture).

However, it's becoming fairly clear that their relationship is becoming a lot more serous than a fling. They're not hard core serious yet, but it's clear they're getting in fairly serious relationship territory. It's clear that he's her real boyfriend (not just a fling) and they're trying to see if this will work out long term.

I want to be super happy for my mom. I'd love it if this turns out great for her. However, I'm honestly really worried about her dating a guy so much younger. I know my mom has her heart set on finding a great guy she deserves to marry (and I know she'd like more kids than just me). I can just tell she's head over heals for this guy. That really worries me because I think the age difference makes things a lot less likely to work out. They're in different places in life. Granted, I don't know him well yet. However, I'm pretty sure they don't have a lot in common (again, they're in different places). There's a pretty high chance they're not compatible maturity wise. She's probably going to want to start having kids a lot sooner than he does (if they get there, which there's a decent chance). In all honesty, part of me wonders if she's letting his muscle-y body get in the way of her better judgement.

But even if they work out great for the first few years will their relationship last long term (and I know my mom wants that)? Will things still be great when she's 60 or 70 and he's 46 or 56? (more to read)

Updates

1 y

I haven't said anything because I know it's my mom's choice. However, I really am worried she'll get her heart broken. I'm worried she's letting an attractive guy with a great body (and whose a lot of fun right now) get in the way of her better judgement. She I tell her why I'm worried? If so, what should I say? If not, what else can I do to make sure my mom doesn't make bad choices that'll get her heart broken?

[ohsheeT]

When I was 15 and a half almost 16 I was babysitting for a lady and when she got home the lady that she was with asked me if I wanted to ride home and I said sure come to find out she lived like two blocks from me we went to her house first one thing that to another to another to another and I started seeing her every night that lasted for about a year and she told me that she was going to get back with her husband I didn't even know that she was married and she didn't have any kids but that kind of broke my heart after that I always went out with older women there was just something about them and then I finally started dating girls my own age now that I'm older I work with guys that are half my age that are married and their wives are always trying to hook me up with one of their friends so I see where you're coming from I think you just have to let it play out I mean you can kind of say something but you can't get too serious with her because she does know what she's doing and whatever happens happens it happens for a reason I do understand your point though it's just kind of weird I would think you have to understand she's your mom and you want her to be happy that's the most important part

[Asker]

Do you think I should say anything or just be quiet?

[ohsheeT]

Well that's only a choice that you're going to have to make because you feel things and you love you Mom you don't want her to see her get hurt and then you have to weigh out that it's her happiness too so it's like a scale which one do you do then you have to think about yourself you have to say what you want to say because it's what you feel in your heart and so I see where you're having the problem I think that if you do say something it has to come from your heart it has to be very calm and you have to say it in a way that she can feel your words so she can understand that it's because you care and if you do it right she will think about it for a very long time but at the same time she's probably going to do what she wants to do she's in that right and if it makes her happy you have to let her be happy

[ohsheeT]

So and maybe you have to ask her what would she feel as if you were going out with an older man what would her concerns be

[Asker]

Do you think he could be using her just for sex? They do it a lot. Maybe he's just there until that dies out and then he'll leave. I am also worried about that possibility.

[ohsheeT]

I don't know because I don't know him and I don't know your mom you know if she buys some things there's some guys that accept that and like it me personally I was with two older women that tried that with me and I just I mean it was over within 3 days that's just because I didn't like that at all I introduced one lady and my brother and they were together for like 12 years and she bought him everything but he was that type of guy that like that wanted it there has to be some kind of connection otherwise they wouldn't be together maybe they are genuinely happy but there will be that day that age is going to play a part in it I know for me when I dated younger girls we had conversations and like I would always tell them I don't want to ever hold you back there will be a day that I would be too old and that's when even though I wouldn't want to say goodbye I would have to do it just because I wouldn't want to hold her back so I guess it all depends on what the relationship is based on

[ohsheeT]

I can tell you this she has a fantastic daughter that cares a lot about her

[Asker]

She may have a major blind spot right now though. She doesn't have any kids besides me and her friends mostly all have families. I do try to see her as much as I can, but it's probably not enough to stop her from often feelings lonely. I know she really wants to find a great guy to get married to (and she absolutely deserves it!). However, she's just really discouraged about her love life. I'm pretty sure she was seriously doubting it would ever happen for her.
On top of that I am aware that my mom has a very healthy sex drive (we're kind of more like best friends than mom-daughter when it comes to that stuff). However, she has been very sexually frustrated for a long while (as she doesn't want to do the hookup thing). I know that's adding to the discouragement.

All this makes her very emotionally vulnerable for a much younger (and frankly hot) guy to swoop in, say the right things and do the right stuff to manipulate her. He's giving her the emotional and sexual intimacy she desperately wants (and in a way that gives her an ego boost). That may sound great, but I think he might be manipulating her. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student kind of job. He's more than likely struggling to get by. My mom's not rich, but she has a decent salary and doesn't have anyone depending on her financially. He very well could be trying to use her for her money until he graduates and gets a good job. Then he'll leave her out to dry. It's also possible he might have some 'older woman' fetish. Consequently, he might just be using her to have his fun with that fetish just to eventually leave her and crush her.

[Asker]

While my mother is a very attractive woman (and has kept herself in great shape) she's still not a woman in her 20s. I know that sounds brutal, but it's true. Guys are often pretty vain like that. He might be using her for a fetish, but planning on eventually getting together long term with a much younger girl closer to his age. I don't think that's an insane possibility.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.
Even beyond that, they're just in super different stages of life, probably at very different maturity levels, probably can't really relate to one another, etc. If my mom was in a less vulnerable place I think she'd catch on much quicker. However, I think she's just so vulnerable that she's got this huge blind spot for the major red flags

[RosieMelts]

What are you afraid he won’t be able to do for her? He wants sex and she wants kids possibly

win-win

shell love the kids you’ll have extra goofballs to make you laugh etc.

he can play and keep up with the kids and be a kid himself at times (if he likes kids or living life anyways).

If their communication is great then that’s another win-win

Best thing you can do is tell your mom your wishes and your concerns for her.

If things didn’t work out (I hope they wouldn’t if you all became a little more srs)

I know your mom would be A-Ok with you by her side 👯‍♀️.

You both can def make it through may hardship as long as you both

Keep good communication etc.

Keep a positive outlook and realize you both have more to your lives than this guy. He can’t do anything to harm you guys.

Don’t expect much from him (to satisfy you both emotionally or something) and you won’t be disappointed.

Hopefully he pulls his own weight and has youth and testosterone to give him the boost to help progress family in any way and not be just s distraction

Best to you sis!

Def discuss this openly and calmly with your mom!

Great views from you. Very mature and still a life long learner I hope. Proud of you and believe in you 💕

You could do very well even when you consider a mate for yourself later on down the road. ((Sorry I don't know how old you are (don’t need to know either- personal), but yeah, in the right time)).

[Asker]

I’ve really thought hard about figuring out exactly what the problematic signs are. I think I’ve figured them out. I know this is a lot, but for someone to understand what’s going on I think they’ve got to know this information.
Firstly, I do think money could be a very major motivating factor in why he’s dating my mom. I also think that (in an interesting way) he could also be sexually taking advantage of her. I’m super concerned about this.
It's not that I don't think she can take care of herself. That's not the angle I'm coming from. I'm just worried she's making a huge mistake. I just don't think a relationship with that big of an age gap is likely at all to work out. Is it possible? Sure. Winning the lottery is also possible. However it's extremely unlikely and that matters.
I do have some worries that he could be using her for money. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student job. He'll probably make a solid salary when he graduates, but right now he's probably making pennies. My mom isn't exactly rich, but she does make a decent salary. That's especially true when you consider she doesn't have to provide for anyone else. She has helped me in financially in the past here and there, but I mostly pay for all my own stuff. Consequently, she may have a lot of money she could just give out to him. To be fair, I don't know it's the case, but it's possible. I mean, how many guys would be sincerely interested in a woman that much older? I will say that my mom is a very attractive woman who has kept herself in great shape. However, even with that being said, there are plenty of super gorgeous girls his age that are beautiful whom are probably in a place in their lives that would make a connection much more possible.

[Asker]

But even though I don’t think he’s likely interested in staying with her long term he may be getting off to some ‘older woman’ fettish he has (and my mom isn’t a bad looking woman, but she’s still much older than him/the other girls he could get). After he gets bored of that (and doesn’t need her money) he might leave her for someone much younger (and absolutely break her).

I also think my mom could be in a real blind spot for a variety of levels. She's a single woman and I'm the only daughter she has. I really do try to see her a lot, but I probably can't as much as she needs as I've got my own life. She does have other friends, but they've all got families too. Consequently, my mom isn't totally alone, but I do think she gets really lonely fairly often. Also, I know she's gotten really discouraged when it comes to dating. She really wants to find a great guy to be with (and she 100% deserves it), but I know she's super discouraged and sometimes doubts if it'll happen to her.
That makes her kind of vulnerable to a hot younger guy whose willing to spend quite a bit of time with her and tell her that he thinks she's unbelievably gorgeous.
Moreover, having frequent sex is something that's pulling her in too. My mom and I have a parent-child relationship where we're fairly comfortable talking about sex with each other. I feel more like she's my best friend than my mom (in that way anyways). Consequently, I know my mom has a healthy sex drive and has been sexually frustrated for quite a while. Getting those needs not only now met, but by a super muscular and attractive younger man (who also tells her that she's incredibly attractive, which would certainly make her feel great) could be causing her to have a blind spot/unable to see that he could be just taking advantage of her.

[Asker]

Also, he may not be attracted to her enough to want to be with her in the long, long term. As I said before,, he could have some older woman fettish (which isn't uncommon) and want her sexually for a certain period of time. After he's gone through that fantasy enough that he's just bored he might leave her broken hearted.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.

[Asker]

I know my mom is her own woman and can make her own decisions. However, for reasons I've already stated, I think she has a huge blind spot right now as a consequence of the vulnerable emotional place she's in right now. Otherwise she'd probably recognize he's likely taking advantage of her (and even if he's not it's almost for sure it won't last long term). I could just say that it's none of my business and I'll just sit on the side while my mom very possibly makes a huge mistake she'll deeply regret. However, I love my mom so much. It's so hard for me to do that. If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it. Even if the age gap isn't a problem at the beginning it eventually becomes a problem long term. I know my mom wants super badly for the next guy she marries to be her life-mate, and I know she's not interested in dating if it can't go anywhere. Even if he's not emotionally and financially (and perhaps even sexually) manipulating her that doesn't mean there's still not a good chance it'll likely fall apart eventually anyways. And I know my mom absolutely for certainly does not want her next marriage to just last 10 years. She'd be devastated if that was the case. Furthermore, if they do get to the place where they have 2 (maybe even 3) kids together (which might be a real possibility as my mom probably has a few more years she could get pregnant) then the kids would even further complicate the heartbreak and breakup/divorce.

[Asker]

Because I love my mom so much it’s incredibly difficult for me to stand by and watch why some young guy might be taking advantage of her. Even if he’s not it’s extremely unlikely mom will get what she so badly wants (and very much deserves) in a relationship with this guy. It’ll likely all end with her in heartbreak in her elderly years (when she otherwise could have found someone great for her). If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it.

[Screenwriter]

You sound like a parent!

You can certainly tell her about your worries and your concern for her heart. But how old is your mom, and what is this guy's age? Is your mom 42 and this guy 28? Or is your mom 38 and this guy 24?

A guy pushing 30 might be fine with a 42 year old woman and be ready for marriage and children with her. A guy who's not 25 might be another matter. He might be unusually mature and you, as you say, can't ascertain that.

Maybe your mom will get her heart broken. Maybe the fling will peter out naturally and both will realize it's not what they want. Voice your care and allow your mom to take care of her heart. I think, more than likely, she's capable.

[Asker]

She may have a major blind spot right now though. She doesn't have any kids besides me and her friends mostly all have families. I do try to see her as much as I can, but it's probably not enough to stop her from often feelings lonely. I know she really wants to find a great guy to get married to (and she absolutely deserves it!). However, she's just really discouraged about her love life. I'm pretty sure she was seriously doubting it would ever happen for her.
On top of that I am aware that my mom has a very healthy sex drive (we're kind of more like best friends than mom-daughter when it comes to that stuff). However, she has been very sexually frustrated for a long while (as she doesn't want to do the hookup thing). I know that's adding to the discouragement.

All this makes her very emotionally vulnerable for a much younger (and frankly hot) guy to swoop in, say the right things and do the right stuff to manipulate her. He's giving her the emotional and sexual intimacy she desperately wants (and in a way that gives her an ego boost). That may sound great, but I think he might be manipulating her. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student kind of job. He's more than likely struggling to get by. My mom's not rich, but she has a decent salary and doesn't have anyone depending on her financially. He very well could be trying to use her for her money until he graduates and gets a good job. Then he'll leave her out to dry. It's also possible he might have some 'older woman' fetish. Consequently, he might just be using her to have his fun with that fettish just to eventually leave her and crush her.

[Asker]

While my mother is a very attractive woman (and has kept herself in great shape) she's still not a woman in her 20s. I know that sounds brutal, but it's true. Guys are often pretty vain like that. He might be using her for a fetish, but planning on eventually getting together long term with a much younger girl closer to his age. I don't think that's an insane possibility.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.
Even beyond that, they're just in super different stages of life, probably at very different maturity levels, probably can't really relate to one another, etc. If my mom was in a less vulnerable place I think she'd catch on much quicker. However, I think she's just so vulnerable that she's got this huge blind spot for the major red flags

[Screenwriter]

Here's the thing: How long does ANY relationship last, even with people of similar ages with similar backgrounds, educations etc?

You can't predict the future and it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PREVENT YOUR MOTHER FROM BEING LONELY! That is HER JOB. If she wants happiness, SHE has to find a way to it.

If your mother has a good interior life of the heart and mind, is active, thoughtful and has good friends, and work, she's doing well.

If the relationship is meant to be it will be. Look at Catherince Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. They've been married two decades and have kids and he's pushing 80. She's not 60. People who have large age gaps make adjustments or they go their separate ways. That is how it happens.

Leave your mom to her choices and worry ABOUT YOURSELF! Voice your concerns and LEAVE IT ALONE. Why are you obsessing over this? It seems inappropriate after a point and invasive. You wouldn't want your mom doing the same to you, would you?

[oldawg]

I understand your worry but as a guy who has had some experience with this I'm thinking maybe not say anything just yet just sit back and take everything in and let your mother enjoy herself because by the sound of it your mom sounds happy. It's good about you worrying but if you say something it could backfire on you. Keep your ears and eys open but hey I was that guy once I was only 16 [but I looked a lot older] I was just a play thing for her and her many friends and she taught me everything I know about women. Is it possible that he is just a play thing for her because as you probably know younger guys can go and go and go again lol [now your bringing back some very pleasant memories] I wish you luck and there is nothing wrong about your caution because she is your mom. If you ever need to chat or ask me for a guys opinion just ask. Take Care n' Cheers

[Pinay_ako]

If there is no other legit reason but the age gap is your concern, let your mom be happy if she truly is. If you show support and trust towards him and their relationship, it might get better for them in the long run. All the best 💕

[Asker]

I’ve really thought hard about figuring out exactly what the problematic signs are. I think I’ve figured them out. I know this is a lot, but for someone to understand what’s going on I think they’ve got to know this information.
Firstly, I do think money could be a very major motivating factor in why he’s dating my mom. I also think that (in an interesting way) he could also be sexually taking advantage of her. I’m super concerned about this.
It's not that I don't think she can take care of herself. That's not the angle I'm coming from. I'm just worried she's making a huge mistake. I just don't think a relationship with that big of an age gap is likely at all to work out. Is it possible? Sure. Winning the lottery is also possible. However it's extremely unlikely and that matters.
I do have some worries that he could be using her for money. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student job. He'll probably make a solid salary when he graduates, but right now he's probably making pennies. My mom isn't exactly rich, but she does make a decent salary. That's especially true when you consider she doesn't have to provide for anyone else. She has helped me in financially in the past here and there, but I mostly pay for all my own stuff. Consequently, she may have a lot of money she could just give out to him. To be fair, I don't know it's the case, but it's possible. I mean, how many guys would be sincerely interested in a woman that much older? I will say that my mom is a very attractive woman who has kept herself in great shape. However, even with that being said, there are plenty of super gorgeous girls his age that are beautiful whom are probably in a place in their lives that would make a connection much more possible.

[Asker]

But even though I don’t think he’s likely interested in staying with her long term he may be getting off to some ‘older woman’ fettish he has (and my mom isn’t a bad looking woman, but she’s still much older than him/the other girls he could get). After he gets bored of that (and doesn’t need her money) he might leave her for someone much younger (and absolutely break her).

I also think my mom could be in a real blind spot for a variety of levels. She's a single woman and I'm the only daughter she has. I really do try to see her a lot, but I probably can't as much as she needs as I've got my own life. She does have other friends, but they've all got families too. Consequently, my mom isn't totally alone, but I do think she gets really lonely fairly often. Also, I know she's gotten really discouraged when it comes to dating. She really wants to find a great guy to be with (and she 100% deserves it), but I know she's super discouraged and sometimes doubts if it'll happen to her.

That makes her kind of vulnerable to a hot younger guy whose willing to spend quite a bit of time with her and tell her that he thinks she's unbelievably gorgeous.

Moreover, having frequent sex is something that's pulling her in too. My mom and I have a parent-child relationship where we're fairly comfortable talking about sex with each other. I feel more like she's my best friend than my mom (in that way anyways). Consequently, I know my mom has a healthy sex drive and has been sexually frustrated for quite a while. Getting those needs not only now met, but by a super muscular and attractive younger man (who also tells her that she's incredibly attractive, which would certainly make her feel great) could be causing her to have a blind spot/unable to see that he could be just taking advantage of her.

[Asker]

Also, he may not be attracted to her enough to want to be with her in the long, long term. As I said before,, he could have some older woman fettish (which isn't uncommon) and want her sexually for a certain period of time. After he's gone through that fantasy enough that he's just bored he might leave her broken hearted.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.

[Asker]

I know my mom is her own woman and can make her own decisions. However, for reasons I've already stated, I think she has a huge blind spot right now as a consequence of the vulnerable emotional place she's in right now. Otherwise she'd probably recognize he's likely taking advantage of her (and even if he's not it's almost for sure it won't last long term). I could just say that it's none of my business and I'll just sit on the side while my mom very possibly makes a huge mistake she'll deeply regret. However, I love my mom so much. It's so hard for me to do that. If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it. Even if the age gap isn't a problem at the beginning it eventually becomes a problem long term. I know my mom wants super badly for the next guy she marries to be her life-mate, and I know she's not interested in dating if it can't go anywhere. Even if he's not emotionally and financially (and perhaps even sexually) manipulating her that doesn't mean there's still not a good chance it'll likely fall apart eventually anyways. And I know my mom absolutely for certainly does not want her next marriage to just last 10 years. She'd be devastated if that was the case. Furthermore, if they do get to the place where they have 2 (maybe even 3) kids together (which might be a real possibility as my mom probably has a few more years she could get pregnant) then the kids would even further complicate the heartbreak and breakup/divorce.

[Asker]

Because I love my mom so much it’s incredibly difficult for me to stand by and watch why some young guy might be taking advantage of her. Even if he’s not it’s extremely unlikely mom will get what she so badly wants (and very much deserves) in a relationship with this guy. It’ll likely all end with her in heartbreak in her elderly years (when she otherwise could have found someone great for her). If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it.

[Brokenheartedx]

If he's as fit as you say he is then he would have no problem finding women, what does that say that he chose your mum? You seem very het up over their sex life that shouldn't concern you at all.
Does he have a job? If yes he isn't after her for money
They are having sex? Yes but then again he would go with someone younger but chose your mum, so clearly he isn't using her for that
Could it be he maybe just likes her? And if it fizzles out then it will fizzle out, that's life. He may break her heart or she breaks his. This is the honeymoon stage in time they may grow apart but for now be happy for your mum

[Asker]

He does have a job. That's why the 'gold digger' thing has never been a concern for me

What if he's just using her for the sex and then planning to leave for someone younger?

And it's not just about now. Is she setting herself up for failure long term? Even if things do work out well now will they still work out well when she's 60 0 70 and he's 46 or 56?

[Brokenheartedx]

Majority of women outlive their men, most widows are women who have outlived their spouses by decades. You don't know what the future holds. As for using her for sex? Don't be mental if he wanted younger he'd be with younger, he's with your mum. Relax and worry about school and boys etc

[Asker]

I’ve really thought hard about figuring out exactly what the problematic signs are. I think I’ve figured them out. I know this is a lot, but for someone to understand what’s going on I think they’ve got to know this information.
Firstly, I do think money could be a very major motivating factor in why he’s dating my mom. I also think that (in an interesting way) he could also be sexually taking advantage of her. I’m super concerned about this.
It's not that I don't think she can take care of herself. That's not the angle I'm coming from. I'm just worried she's making a huge mistake. I just don't think a relationship with that big of an age gap is likely at all to work out. Is it possible? Sure. Winning the lottery is also possible. However it's extremely unlikely and that matters.
I do have some worries that he could be using her for money. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student job. He'll probably make a solid salary when he graduates, but right now he's probably making pennies. My mom isn't exactly rich, but she does make a decent salary. That's especially true when you consider she doesn't have to provide for anyone else. She has helped me in financially in the past here and there, but I mostly pay for all my own stuff. Consequently, she may have a lot of money she could just give out to him. To be fair, I don't know it's the case, but it's possible. I mean, how many guys would be sincerely interested in a woman that much older? I will say that my mom is a very attractive woman who has kept herself in great shape. However, even with that being said, there are plenty of super gorgeous girls his age that are beautiful whom are probably in a place in their lives that would make a connection much more possible.

[Asker]

But even though I don’t think he’s likely interested in staying with her long term he may be getting off to some ‘older woman’ fettish he has (and my mom isn’t a bad looking woman, but she’s still much older than him/the other girls he could get). After he gets bored of that (and doesn’t need her money) he might leave her for someone much younger (and absolutely break her).

I also think my mom could be in a real blind spot for a variety of levels. She's a single woman and I'm the only daughter she has. I really do try to see her a lot, but I probably can't as much as she needs as I've got my own life. She does have other friends, but they've all got families too. Consequently, my mom isn't totally alone, but I do think she gets really lonely fairly often. Also, I know she's gotten really discouraged when it comes to dating. She really wants to find a great guy to be with (and she 100% deserves it), but I know she's super discouraged and sometimes doubts if it'll happen to her.

That makes her kind of vulnerable to a hot younger guy whose willing to spend quite a bit of time with her and tell her that he thinks she's unbelievably gorgeous.

Moreover, having frequent sex is something that's pulling her in too. My mom and I have a parent-child relationship where we're fairly comfortable talking about sex with each other. I feel more like she's my best friend than my mom (in that way anyways). Consequently, I know my mom has a healthy sex drive and has been sexually frustrated for quite a while. Getting those needs not only now met, but by a super muscular and attractive younger man (who also tells her that she's incredibly attractive, which would certainly make her feel great) could be causing her to have a blind spot/unable to see that he could be just taking advantage of her.

[Asker]

Also, he may not be attracted to her enough to want to be with her in the long, long term. As I said before,, he could have some older woman fettish (which isn't uncommon) and want her sexually for a certain period of time. After he's gone through that fantasy enough that he's just bored he might leave her broken hearted.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.

[Asker]

I know my mom is her own woman and can make her own decisions. However, for reasons I've already stated, I think she has a huge blind spot right now as a consequence of the vulnerable emotional place she's in right now. Otherwise she'd probably recognize he's likely taking advantage of her (and even if he's not it's almost for sure it won't last long term). I could just say that it's none of my business and I'll just sit on the side while my mom very possibly makes a huge mistake she'll deeply regret. However, I love my mom so much. It's so hard for me to do that. If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it. Even if the age gap isn't a problem at the beginning it eventually becomes a problem long term. I know my mom wants super badly for the next guy she marries to be her life-mate, and I know she's not interested in dating if it can't go anywhere. Even if he's not emotionally and financially (and perhaps even sexually) manipulating her that doesn't mean there's still not a good chance it'll likely fall apart eventually anyways. And I know my mom absolutely for certainly does not want her next marriage to just last 10 years. She'd be devastated if that was the case. Furthermore, if they do get to the place where they have 2 (maybe even 3) kids together (which might be a real possibility as my mom probably has a few more years she could get pregnant) then the kids would even further complicate the heartbreak and breakup/divorce.

[Asker]

Because I love my mom so much it’s incredibly difficult for me to stand by and watch why some young guy might be taking advantage of her. Even if he’s not it’s extremely unlikely mom will get what she so badly wants (and very much deserves) in a relationship with this guy. It’ll likely all end with her in heartbreak in her elderly years (when she otherwise could have found someone great for her). If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it.

[Anonymous]

That is not up to you. Your mom is an adult. I mean honestly I’d be more concerned if he was just using her for sex, a fling as you say. An older woman may be just what he needs. Maybe he’s not like lost you get men. If you did say something it could ruin a potentially life long thing for her. It’s going to go one of two ways. Let her enjoy it right now. Maybe she’s finally happy. Even if it doesn’t last at least she’s had some happiness in her life which sounds like she hasn’t had much of lately. At least not from a romantic partner. I wonder if you’re jealous in a way because she may be w someone your age. He’s cute, someone you’d be interested in. Maybe you don’t have someone yourself so you’re not happy about that. I don’t know there’s a lot of reasons why. I hope you really are just concerned about her well being and non of the other things I mentioned.

[Anonymous]

I speak from experience saying it's a bad situation.

I dated a woman about 20 years my elder once and things were great. Best sex I ever had and she was the happiest woman in the world.

But we both knew it had a timer that we came from different eras and eventually will have to see about our lives.

Still the longer we went the harder it was to end it because we knew it wouldn't come about without tears and heartbreak.

I did my best to soften that blow but we eventually had to face the music.

My advice wouldn't be : don't.
But it's too late for your mom now and they will eventually have to break up hopefully he's a gentleman about doing it without cheating or being an ass.

You will need to be there for her when it eventually happens.

[U4ea0]

He is just using her for easy sex. It is extremely rare for men to actually commit to women 5 years older. Men just have no incentive to do that. You probably shouldn't say anything, she likely won't believe it. Women seem to believe that the rules that apply to men also apply to women and vice versa. They don't. Younger men don't marry women who are 14 years older. And the 5 or 6 that do end up divorcing them within 5 years.

[Asker]

Is there anything I can do to help her? I really don't want my mom to get hurt, but I don't know what to do or say

[U4ea0]

Is your mom recently divorced?

[Asker]

She's been divorced for about 8 years.

[U4ea0]

I'm assuming she isn't wealthy... I doubt there is anything you are going to be able to say or do that will convince her that this guy is just passing the time with her. Your mother is a grown woman after all, and she should know that what men find attractive in women are not the same as what women find attractive in men. Some young men have a thing for an older woman as it sort of allows him to live the boyhood fantasy of being able to have sex with an older middle-aged woman. But, he isn't going to marry her. She should realize that. And maybe she does and just wants a warm body...

[Haha456]

Just because you aren't attracted to older women, it does not mean no men are attracted to older women.

[MAC1983]

Or that all men would treat older women the way you describe. But, I have no experience with it, I'll stay out of it.

[U4ea0]

@Haha456 I was obviously making a generalization. Being attracted to and actually sticking around are two different things. The fact is very few men would ever consider a long term relationship with a woman that much older. Certainly not a high value male. Does it seem wise for a 30 year old male to marry a 45 year old woman who is going to enter menopause soon? No, it does not. Such a marriage isn't going to last.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

Maybe he is one pf the few men who do like olfer women. I personally have met a few older women on here who have much younger husbands. I also know of a guy at my job married to a wife who is 15 years older.

Quit being so condescending and judgmental

[U4ea0]

@Haha456 I'm not being condescending or judgmental. I'm being realistic and so is the OP. She has every reason to be concerned as it is much more likely her mother is being taken advantage of by a younger man who has a fetish or is just passing the time until he finds a woman less than or equal to his age. Just because you know a man who has a wife 15 Years older than himself changes nothing. There are exceptions to every rule. It is foolish to use the exception as the rule. If this was her father dating a woman 15 years younger there would be no cause for concern as that is normal. If you knew how men instinctively regarded women, you would understand why this isn't going to last.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

you don't seem open minded to the fact that there are men who do date and marry older women. You can't just assume every relationship where a young man dates an older woman , then he must be using her for sex. You can't assert your personal opinions on to everyone else.

[Haha456]

there ARE EXCEPTIONS to the general rule and you need to accept that. You can't just insist that every single time a man goes for an older woman, he must be using her for sex.

[U4ea0]

@Haha456 I know there are exceptions. The young men who marry women with a 10+ year age gap are called "low value males".

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

thats funny because I'm not attracted to old men either. Should I call young women who go for old ugly unattractive men 10+ years older, low value women?

[Asker]

@Haha456 She may have a major blind spot right now though. She doesn't have any kids besides me and her friends mostly all have families. I do try to see her as much as I can, but it's probably not enough to stop her from often feelings lonely. I know she really wants to find a great guy to get married to (and she absolutely deserves it!). However, she's just really discouraged about her love life. I'm pretty sure she was seriously doubting it would ever happen for her.
On top of that I am aware that my mom has a very healthy sex drive (we're kind of more like best friends than mom-daughter when it comes to that stuff). However, she has been very sexually frustrated for a long while (as she doesn't want to do the hookup thing). I know that's adding to the discouragement.

All this makes her very emotionally vulnerable for a much younger (and frankly hot) guy to swoop in, say the right things and do the right stuff to manipulate her. He's giving her the emotional and sexual intimacy she desperately wants (and in a way that gives her an ego boost). That may sound great, but I think he might be manipulating her. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student kind of job. He's more than likely struggling to get by. My mom's not rich, but she has a decent salary and doesn't have anyone depending on her financially. He very well could be trying to use her for her money until he graduates and gets a good job. Then he'll leave her out to dry. It's also possible he might have some 'older woman' fetish. Consequently, he might just be using her to have his fun with that fetish just to eventually leave her and crush her.

[Asker]

@Haha456 While my mother is a very attractive woman (and has kept herself in great shape) she's still not a woman in her 20s. I know that sounds brutal, but it's true. Guys are often pretty vain like that. He might be using her for a fetish, but planning on eventually getting together long term with a much younger girl closer to his age. I don't think that's an insane possibility.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.
Even beyond that, they're just in super different stages of life, probably at very different maturity levels, probably can't really relate to one another, etc. If my mom was in a less vulnerable place I think she'd catch on much quicker. However, I think she's just so vulnerable that she's got this huge blind spot for the major red flags

[Haha456]

@Asker

sweetie, divorce rates sit at 50% in america. This means half of all marriages end up in divorce even when vast majority of couples are similar in age. Its a bit stupid to worry about the relationship not lasting when half of all your marriages end up not lasting either way.

Unless you have met the guy, know the guy, you can't be absolutely sure that he is just using your mother. It could very well be paranoia on your part. You may warn your mother your concerns but ultimately whether or not she follows through with the relationship is her decision. she's a grown woman and she knows she has full responsibility of what ends up happening to her.

[Asker]

@Haha456 I know that divorce rates are 50%. However, there's things you can do to make your relative chances lower

I know my mom has her own life. However, because I love my mom so much it’s incredibly difficult for me to stand by and watch why some young guy might be taking advantage of her. Even if he’s not it’s extremely unlikely mom will get what she so badly wants (and very much deserves) in a relationship with this guy. It’ll likely all end with her in heartbreak in her elderly years (when she otherwise could have found someone great for her). If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. Even if she doesn't listen to me I should at least try. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it.

[Haha456]

@Asker

There is a good chance you're just overly paranoid. how familiar are you with the guy?
Like I said , just tell your mom about your concerns. Tell her to not spend any money on paying his bills. And just see how the relationsihp plays out.

You may find this hard to believe but there are some people out there who can still remain happy with large age gaps. I have known 45 yr old men who refuse to divorce their 60 yr old wives. Its not always black and white. Exceptions always exist.

[Asker]

@Haha456

[Asker]

I admittedly don't know him super well yet, but I'm definitely going to make sure to know him better.

I'm sure there are cases where those age gaps work out, but it's very much the exception to the rule. Moreover, most guys that age usually aren't going to have pure motives for a woman that much older. They're just in such different places in life and probably don't have much in common/to relate to. And frankly, while my mother is a very attractive woman (and has kept herself in amazing shape) she's still way older than a lot of other very attractive women that are probably gong after him. I know it sounds terrible, but sometimes that's the truth. Even if he's genuine now there's a pretty high chance he'll eventually just leave her for someone younger

[Haha456]

@Asker

Like I said, exceptions do exist. It does not matter if vast majority of men dont tend to be interested in older women. The general rule does not apply to everyone and you need to understand that. Not all men want to have kids.

Or you can tell your mother to withhold sex for 3 - 4 months, withhold paying for any of his bills for a couple of months and lets see if he will still be around.

[Asker]

@Haha456 She'd go for the not giving any money think, but I don't think she'd quit the sex. The sex thing is apart of her blindspot. She's been super frustrated for a long time, and having some hot young guy she's really into to have sex with all the time probably isn't something she'd be willing to give up

Which would be fine, if it wasn't for the fact he could also be using her for the sex and/or manipulating her via sex

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

maybe she is just also using him for sex too?

and if she wants to take the risk, then thats her decision. there's nothing you can do about it.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

Very often lust and infatuation + ego boost is confused with romantic love. Its not the same thing.

[Asker]

@Haha456 No, it's not just about the sex for her. There's a lot of emotional attachment beyond the sex. However, the emotional attachment and the sex both fuel each other.

If he only wanted her for the sex she'd be devastated and heartbroken. That doesn't mean she's not really loving the sex

[Haha456]

@Asker

emotional attachment does not mean love. I can be emotionally attached to someone but it does not necessarily mean I love him.

And I think you need to stop repeating that he is using her for sex. Because its beginning to sound like a sickening verse in the bible. You're repeat it so much that you're gonna persuade yourself into believing it. there's a good chance he may not be using her for sex. The problem may be within yourself, not anyone else.

[Haha456]

@Asker

its beginning to sound more like you want to believe what you want to believe rather than what is actually true or what is actually happening. do you really have any evidence he is using her? no you don't. this is all just paranoia. Unless you have evidence that he is using her for sex, stop repeating to yourself these non sensical things.

[Haha456]

@Asker

what if he actually enjoys her company and likes her? what if he does like her but the relationship doesn't work out? Most boyfriend / girlfriend relationships don't end up in marriage. Most people has endured a breakup at some point in life. Every time you open your heart, there will always be a risk of getting hurt. Everyone has been hurt by a relationship at some point in life.

its so ridiculous how you have such ridiculous expectations.

[U4ea0]

@Asker By all means, please keep us up-to-date 5 years from now on the outcome of this relationship. I will bet Haha $10,000 that she is being wishy-washy.

Haha is caught up in her female solipsism. She is totally incapable of understanding that just because she and other women find older men desirable, it doesn't mean men will find older women equally appealing. Women are not capable of thinking like men just as men are not capable of thinking like women. Men know this, women seem to have forgotten.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

I have a coworker who is married to a woman 15 years older than him. They have one son and have been married for 20 years. I have also seen a similar question posted by another female user on GAG, who was 40 years old saying that she had recently married a guy 14 years younger and just had a child.

The reason why she and you think this way is because we live in a culture where society looks down on older women. We live in a culture where a woman's worth is purely defined by her looks. So when people like you see younger men dating older women, then it must mean she has absolutely nothing to offer. So that he must be using her for sex/ money.

And the misogynistic attitude that all younger men who want older women must be "low value" sums up the contempt that you have for older women.

is it a crime to fall in love with an older woman? if younger women can date a man 15 years older, why would it be a crime for a young man to date a woman 15 years older?

by the way, I'm attracted to men a few years older. But not old, balding, saggy fat men 15 years older. Lets get that straight.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

Vast majority of young women aren't dating men 10+ years older than them. Take a look at marriage statistics. Average age difference between couples is only 3-5 years. I'm 26, I'm not interested in men over 35. Especially not over 40.

But exceptions exist.
Just the same way there are exceptions for men's taste for older women.
Just because most men aren't interested in older women, it doesn't mean NO men are interested in older women.

[U4ea0]

@Haha456 Divorce rates have actually been declining since 2001. They are below 38% now.

I know most women don't marry much older men. But, enough do as to see it very frequently.

@Asker Do you really want to know all about this guy? Check your messages..

[U4ea0]

@Asker OH shit, I can't send you a PM. Well, if you want to know about him, give me his name.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

divorce rates still sit at 40-50%. A reason for divorce declining is the fact that people are avoiding marriage as a way for an easier break up. It in no way means that couples are more successful nowadays.

Across Western countries, about 8 per cent of all married heterosexual couples can be classified as having a large age gap (10 years or more). Apr 20, 2018

www.abc.net.au/.../9680764

Vast majority of marriages have 10 years or less age gap difference.

en.wikipedia.org/.../Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

haha... you're gonna tell her that you konw all about him when you don't know 1 single thing about him?

I swear to god, the idiots on this site.

[U4ea0]

@Haha456 The only idiot here is you. Of course I don't know anything about them, why else would I ask for that information? You act just like a little girl who just got some peachfuzz.

Here is how this would have worked. I find a picture of said individual. I have access to an AI that uses facial recognition to find any image on the web that has his face in it. It will even find pictures of him when he was a child. I've used this to doxx porn stars and other women who deserved it. Allegedly a few even killed themselves. Or so they said.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

You're just the classic typical misogynist on here. I'm willing to get you're gonna tell her that you know for sure he is using her mother for sex because older women are always worthless on every corner of the earth.

I dont know what is up with the constant shitting of older women on GAG.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

You're just the classic typical misogynist on here. I'm willing to BET**** you're gonna tell her that you know for sure he is using her mother for sex because older women are always worthless on every corner of the earth.

I dont know what is up with the constant shitting of older women on GAG.

[U4ea0]

@Haha456 Not shitting on anyone. Like I said, I would have found every image with his face in it. I would have then provided them allowing her to form her own conclusions.

[Haha456]

@U4ea0

yeaaaa... right... you were gonna PM her and tell her that you know ALL ABOUT HIM... when you've never ever even met the guy.

sure...

[U4ea0]

@Haha456 And you obviously think she is so stupid as to believe that I would know this guy. You really are a child. Go away.

[Anonymous]

It’s cute you worry about your mum, but she is responsible for her life and now you are responsible for your own life and not for hers, better to focus on your studies/dating life/work or whatever you want to do with your life. You can talk about it with her if it relieves your burden and worries for her but ultimately it’s her life you don’t know what’s going to happen even if it is a mistake we all make mistakes until we die and tahts how we keep learning.

[Asker]

She may have a major blind spot right now though. She doesn't have any kids besides me and her friends mostly all have families. I do try to see her as much as I can, but it's probably not enough to stop her from often feelings lonely. I know she really wants to find a great guy to get married to (and she absolutely deserves it!). However, she's just really discouraged about her love life. I'm pretty sure she was seriously doubting it would ever happen for her.
On top of that I am aware that my mom has a very healthy sex drive (we're kind of more like best friends than mom-daughter when it comes to that stuff). However, she has been very sexually frustrated for a long while (as she doesn't want to do the hookup thing). I know that's adding to the discouragement.

All this makes her very emotionally vulnerable for a much younger (and frankly hot) guy to swoop in, say the right things and do the right stuff to manipulate her. He's giving her the emotional and sexual intimacy she desperately wants (and in a way that gives her an ego boost). That may sound great, but I think he might be manipulating her. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student kind of job. He's more than likely struggling to get by. My mom's not rich, but she has a decent salary and doesn't have anyone depending on her financially. He very well could be trying to use her for her money until he graduates and gets a good job. Then he'll leave her out to dry. It's also possible he might have some 'older woman' fetish. Consequently, he might just be using her to have his fun with that fetish just to eventually leave her and crush her.

[Asker]

While my mother is a very attractive woman (and has kept herself in great shape) she's still not a woman in her 20s. I know that sounds brutal, but it's true. Guys are often pretty vain like that. He might be using her for a fetish, but planning on eventually getting together long term with a much younger girl closer to his age. I don't think that's an insane possibility.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.
Even beyond that, they're just in super different stages of life, probably at very different maturity levels, probably can't really relate to one another, etc. If my mom was in a less vulnerable place I think she'd catch on much quicker. However, I think she's just so vulnerable that she's got this huge blind spot for the major red flags

[Opinion Owner]

Alright it does sound like there may be a painful end waiting for her… the issue is that we’re all a bit blind when it comes to ‘love’; well if you say all of this to her she may listen to you? Maybe she gets carried away by fondamental/primal needs that we all have, and if we are not aware of those needs they overpower us, we lose control… maybe you could suggest her to see a therapist, she could talk and you don’t have to carry her ‘burden’ and worry about her as much, tell her it’s not fair for you!!

[Dazed0N0Confused]

My mom dated a guy with close to that age difference & they had a great time until he broke it off. Let your mom have fun & see what happens between them.

[Asker]

Except I know for a fact that mom's not interested in some casual relationship until it ends. She'd only date a guy if she thought it could work out long term

[Asker]

Do you think he could be using her just for sex? They do it a lot. Maybe he's just there until that dies out and then he'll leave. I am also worried about that possibility.

[Dazed0N0Confused]

My mom was with her much younger boyfriend for over 5 years, it CAN work out.

[Dazed0N0Confused]

Your mother is a big girl, she is going to do whatever she wants. Why try & bring her down when she's feeling amazing?
Unless YOU'RE the one who is uncomfortable with her relationship because YOU don't like the large age gap & just trying to pawn off these feelings as "being concerned"

[Asker]

I'm not trying to bring her down. I'm trying to prevent her from moving in a direction where she'll more than likely get her heart broken

[Dazed0N0Confused]

You run the possibility of that with any guy with any age difference. Let your mom figure out her own life, maybe she's looking for a fun time. Stay out of your mom's sex life unless she brings you into it (NOT LITERALLY!)

[Asker]

I’ve thought a lot about it and I do think money could be a very major motivating factor in why he’s dating my mom. I also think that (in an interesting way) he could also be sexually taking advantage of her. I’m super concerned about this.
It's not that I don't think she can take care of herself. That's not the angle I'm coming from. I'm just worried she's making a huge mistake. I just don't think a relationship with that big of an age gap is likely at all to work out. Is it possible? Sure. Winning the lottery is also possible. However it's extremely unlikely and that matters.
I do have some worries that he could be using her for money. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student job. He'll probably make a solid salary when he graduates, but right now he's probably making pennies. My mom isn't exactly rich, but she does make a decent salary. That's especially true when you consider she doesn't have to provide for anyone else. She has helped me in financially in the past here and there, but I mostly pay for all my own stuff. Consequently, she may have a lot of money she could just give out to him. To be fair, I don't know it's the case, but it's possible. I mean, how many guys would be sincerely interested in a woman that much older? I will say that my mom is a very attractive woman who has kept herself in great shape. However, even with that being said, there are plenty of super gorgeous girls his age that are beautiful whom are probably in a place in their lives that would make a connection much more possible. But even though I don’t think he’s likely interested in staying with her long term he may be getting off to some ‘older woman’ fettish he has (and my mom isn’t a bad looking woman, but she’s still much older than him/the other girls he could get). After he gets bored of that (and doesn’t need her money) he might leave her for someone much younger (and absolutely break her).

[Asker]

I also think my mom could be in a real blind spot for a variety of levels. She's a single woman and I'm the only daughter she has. I really do try to see her a lot, but I probably can't as much as she needs as I've got my own life. She does have other friends, but they've all got families too. Consequently, my mom isn't totally alone, but I do think she gets really lonely fairly often. Also, I know she's gotten really discouraged when it comes to dating. She really wants to find a great guy to be with (and she 100% deserves it), but I know she's super discouraged and sometimes doubts if it'll happen to her.

That makes her kind of vulnerable to a hot younger guy whose willing to spend quite a bit of time with her and tell her that he thinks she's unbelievably gorgeous.

Moreover, having frequent sex is something that's pulling her in too. My mom and I have a parent-child relationship where we're fairly comfortable talking about sex with each other. I feel more like she's my best friend than my mom (in that way anyways). Consequently, I know my mom has a healthy sex drive and has been sexually frustrated for quite a while. Getting those needs not only now met, but by a super muscular and attractive younger man (who also tells her that she's incredibly attractive, which would certainly make her feel great) could be causing her to have a blind spot/unable to see that he could be just taking advantage of her. Also, he may not be attracted to her enough to want to be with her in the long, long term. As I said before,, he could have some older woman fettish (which isn't uncommon) and want her sexually for a certain period of time. After he's gone through that fantasy enough that he's just bored he might leave her broken hearted.

[Asker]

But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.

[Asker]

I know my mom is her own woman and can make her own decisions. However, for reasons I've already stated, I think she has a huge blind spot right now as a consequence of the vulnerable emotional place she's in right now. Otherwise she'd probably recognize he's likely taking advantage of her (and even if he's not it's almost for sure it won't last long term). I could just say that it's none of my business and I'll just sit on the side while my mom very possibly makes a huge mistake she'll deeply regret. However, I love my mom so much. It's so hard for me to do that. If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it. Even if the age gap isn't a problem at the beginning it eventually becomes a problem long term. I know my mom wants super badly for the next guy she marries to be her life-mate, and I know she's not interested in dating if it can't go anywhere. Even if he's not emotionally and financially (and perhaps even sexually) manipulating her that doesn't mean there's still not a good chance it'll likely fall apart eventually anyways. And I know my mom absolutely for certainly does not want her next marriage to just last 10 years. She'd be devastated if that was the case. Furthermore, if they do get to the place where they have 2 (maybe even 3) kids together (which might be a real possibility as my mom probably has a few more years she could get pregnant) then the kids would even further complicate the heartbreak and breakup/divorce.

[Asker]

Because I love my mom so much it’s incredibly difficult for me to stand by and watch why some young guy might be taking advantage of her. Even if he’s not it’s extremely unlikely mom will get what she so badly wants (and very much deserves) in a relationship with this guy. It’ll likely all end with her in heartbreak in her elderly years (when she otherwise could have found someone great for her). If that happened I'd at least partially blame myself for not doing anything when I recognized the big problems. I feel like I need to do what I can to help her avoid this major bullet, but I don't know what I can do or how I can do it.

[Twalli]

Tell her that people at a 14 year old age difference when they're both still able to reproduce (maybe use when both are young is better) is not a good thing. They are in different points in their life. In 20 or so years, then it's less likely they'll be in radically different points in life, but at this time they're not at the same point in their lives.

[SiyamDi]

Perhaps she is aware of what she is doing. May be its informed decision to be with a younger guy.

You can talk to her about your worry and let her know what you feel. Surely, she would consider this as well.

[jennyPuss]

you SHOULD be concerned. these types of relationships almost ever last. men value youth and beauty, and hers is already going to be running out far sooner than other women his age or younger. it's basic biology sister.

[TheMiss]

I'm 63 and I'm dating a 41 year old and we plan to marry. She needs to follow her heart but not lose her mind. It sounds like they do love each other. Let them do whatever they want to do. She's a smart lady. She knows what she wants. Trust your mother.

[dustybiker]

It’s her life to live. Her mistakes to make and her chances taken where she gains happiness. Let her be happy.

[maximumpower]

Are you out of the house and on your own?
If so, it's not your problem.
If you're still at home, do what you can to get away from the situation (aka, move out).

Be prepared for her to fall apart when the relationship does.

[Asker]

I am out of the house, but I still am worried about my mom and I'm very concerned she may have a major blind spot in all of this

[maximumpower]

Again - its not your problem.

[slatyb]

I’m sure she’s aware. She’s happy now. There are never any guarantees for the future.

[Asker]

She may have a major blind spot right now though. She doesn't have any kids besides me and her friends mostly all have families. I do try to see her as much as I can, but it's probably not enough to stop her from often feelings lonely. I know she really wants to find a great guy to get married to (and she absolutely deserves it!). However, she's just really discouraged about her love life. I'm pretty sure she was seriously doubting it would ever happen for her.
On top of that I am aware that my mom has a very healthy sex drive (we're kind of more like best friends than mom-daughter when it comes to that stuff). However, she has been very sexually frustrated for a long while (as she doesn't want to do the hookup thing). I know that's adding to the discouragement.

All this makes her very emotionally vulnerable for a much younger (and frankly hot) guy to swoop in, say the right things and do the right stuff to manipulate her. He's giving her the emotional and sexual intimacy she desperately wants (and in a way that gives her an ego boost). That may sound great, but I think he might be manipulating her. He does have a job, but it's more like a poor grad student kind of job. He's more than likely struggling to get by. My mom's not rich, but she has a decent salary and doesn't have anyone depending on her financially. He very well could be trying to use her for her money until he graduates and gets a good job. Then he'll leave her out to dry. It's also possible he might have some 'older woman' fetish. Consequently, he might just be using her to have his fun with that fetish just to eventually leave her and crush her.

[Asker]

While my mother is a very attractive woman (and has kept herself in great shape) she's still not a woman in her 20s. I know that sounds brutal, but it's true. Guys are often pretty vain like that. He might be using her for a fetish, but planning on eventually getting together long term with a much younger girl closer to his age. I don't think that's an insane possibility.
But even if I'm wrong and he's genuinely into her and they're great for each other right now, I'm not sure how long that could actually last. Even if they work together now are they still going to work great when she's 60, 70, 80, etc. and he's 46, 56, 66, etc? Will she slow down too much as she ages and be unable to keep up with him now (even if she can now). I'm sure he's getting a ton of sex from my mom right now, but she also hasn't gone through menopause yet. Are things going to work out after she goes through menopause, her sex drive likely very much decreases, and his sex drive is likely still about as high as ever? I've read studies that say that even if a major age gap relationship starts out great at the beginning satisfaction drastically declines within about 10 (at the most 15) years.
Even beyond that, they're just in super different stages of life, probably at very different maturity levels, probably can't really relate to one another, etc. If my mom was in a less vulnerable place I think she'd catch on much quicker. However, I think she's just so vulnerable that she's got this huge blind spot for the major red flags

[Libertycityguy]

I would let mom fall if that happens. I understand your dilemma but you can't save her. If it works out great but if not then she will know to watch younger guys.

[sheikalana]

Tell her about your concern and let her know this is all coming from a place of love and not an attack to her boyfriend.

[annabananna]

You can express your worry but at the end of the days he is an adult and needs to make her own dating decisions.

[annabananna]

There’s really nothing you can do to make sure she doesn’t make bad choices. As long as it’s legal we are free to make our own life choices and choose the life that we want. I understand your concern but sometimes we have to let things go that are not in our control.

[SushiSxnpai]

14 years age gap? You should really just talk to her about your concerns (and probably mine too)

[Muneeb_Ahmad]

You must talk to her about it and ask about him
Is that guy really serious with her and wanna make some future or he's just wanting to have...

[Carina0]

I wouldn't say anything. it's her life and she knows relationship can be hard and heart broke is part of the reality. It's her decision to keep this going or not

[AviatorTom]

Don't worry about her. Your Mom can take care of herself.