He did not show second Thursday and I’m FINE with that. I specifically did not want him showing up at a bad time. Why does he keep apologizing?

[VIVANT]

So some of you will recall a few weeks ago I asked a guy I know from campus library, if he wanted to meet up.

He said sure yeah, when?

I said meet me at 8 pm @ the fountain on a Thursday after I swim. ANY Thursday is fine bc I’m always there after I swim.

1. I wanted to leave it open Bc I didn’t want him to end up showing up at bad time. I know he’s really busy with grad school an work so his schedule is Unpredictable. I’ve been there and missed stuff on accident it’s stressful & feels horrible, I didn’t want a mess.

2. Also in case he was just being polite. I know guys have trouble saying no — at least they claim they do. I wanted him to have time to think it over.

3. it’s less stressful for me bc it’s left very casual I just prefer it.

Anyhow last week I didn’t show up bc I an emergency situation. I had to take a friend to the ER. I saw the guy after when I went to a place I go every day (he was studying)

I was going to apologize but I didn’t want to interrupt him.

Then he came over when I was getting my drink & he apologized to me for not showing up. He had planned to meet me the ext week bc I said why Thursday was ok.

(I’m paraphrasing bc it was a while ago now) I told him yeah I said it’s ok bc I meant it 😂 any Thursday IS OK. And anyhow I wasn’t there. I was going to apologize but didn’t want to bother him. And it’s always ok if he can’t come bc it was meant for him to come only if it’s easily done. For it not to be big deal.

He seemed to think I didn’t care if he showed up

I was like no I’m just explaining you don’t need to stress.

He asked if i still wanted to hang out. I said sure.

So this time I did show up I waited 5 minutes then went to get a protein smoothie like always after 🏊‍♀️. I ran into him again so I mean he’s def not hiding lol He explained he planned to meet me but —

I cut him off & asked him to please not apologize 🥵 He isn’t obligated to show up if he can’t, he can’t. If he can do it another day, great. It’s OK 💦

He just feels guilty for flaking out. Not even about you just the fact he can’t get it together atm. Students are trying to be organized so he’s feeling stressed and it’s another failing.

He thinks you are not ok with your own plan even tho you keep saying you are.

He’s not Interested and feels bad that he agreed - which is manifesting in apologizing for the wrong thing.

He may just feel bad bc he wanted to meet up but could not and seriously the situation is probably confusing to him bc who does this.

Other.

Ehhh he may just simply WANT to meet up so is sorry he couldn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Updates

1 y

I do not understand I said ANY Thursday and he said OK 👍🏼

WHY is he acting like I’m going to be mad every Thursday he doesn’t show. It’s kind of insulting and very stressful.

I am never doing this again. Next time it’s just “wanna hang out ok meet me here at this time in this day.” End of.

I think he could have just said he was not cool with this type of arrangement I don't know he seems to think IM not ok with it even tho it was MY idea.

Continued 👇🏻

Updates

1 y

I still really like the idea of meeting someone naturally at a time that works out good for both people, at a place where at least one person is going to be anyhow. Especially in beginning when you dk each other well. I think It perfectly fine way to go about it, but now I have doubts any guy is going to handle it gracefully. That may be unfair bc he’s just one person but it is what it is. He ruined it for me 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't know maybe it’s just him. Would it bother you to leave things open?

[Jamie05rhs]

OPTION DEEEEEEEEEE!!

Haha. Sorry!

Vivant, he's apologizing because he feels bad that he hasn't been able to see you yet! That means he has a HEART. That means he has EMPATHY. That's a GOOD thing!

"I’ve been there and missed stuff on accident it’s stressful & feels horrible". So if you understand, then why are you not recognizing these same exact feelings in HIM?

Also, I understand that your open-ended method might be less stressful for YOU. But you have to recognize the fact that it COULD possibly be MORE stressful for OTHER people. And I think that in relationships – as well as dating – BOTH parties' feelings matter.

"I was going to apologize but I didn’t want to interrupt him."

I think you could have done it anyway. It would have been fine. When you see people with whom you have a mutual interest and you DON'T say hi, it could make things awkward. Because they might think that you're trying to avoid them.

You said a couple of times that "I didn't want to bother him.". Why are you afraid of "bothering" this person? That stuck out to me as odd. Do they give you a vibe of superiority? If so, I think that's a red flag. You should feel comfortable with the person you're dating. You shouldn't feel like they are "high and above" you. You shouldn't be scared of pissing them off. There is no fear in love.

He's not trying to insult you. He's just being considerate. Relax!

[VIVANT]

I always don’t want to bother people lol studying I grew up with academics in my early years it’s just a knee jerk reaction to my great grandmother composing at her desk 🚫 👀
😂 😬

I see what you’re saying but what I Mean is, we agreed any tine so no one has to feel they messed up but yes treating it as if we mmade specific time. You made a good point about it being an empathic thing I’m just annoyed with myself bc my brilliant solution turned out to be worse than the contentions methods lol

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT Oh! Well, that's understandable. But that was a different situation. She was an adult and you were a child.

Yeah, but still he's probably wanting to get there as soon as possible (within the calendar year.). Obviously you can't drag this out forever. I mean, be honest: would you go out to the spot and look for him continuously until the day you die? Doubtful. (Or even throughout the fall? I'm pretty sure you would give up by Halloween.). So there is an inherent urgency to the matter that is Built In; and he knows it. He's not an idiot.

Lol. Well sometimes the conventional methods are conventional for a reason. But I'm sorry your plan didn't work. 🧡🙂

[VIVANT]

How do I get out of the “meet me any Thursday”arrangement mess I made without alienating the guy I originally asked out? ↗

Update is in the update it’s kinda sorted for now 😂

[Jamie05rhs]

Gotcha 👍

[Jamie05rhs]

And oh yeah. I was going to answer the question at the end of your update.
Please remind me later, @VIVANT. 🤓

[VIVANT]

Ok will do! 😂

[Jamie05rhs]

Lol; thanks!!

... Don't forget! 😂

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT It's ok; I remembered. ☺️ Lol

So I'm going to answer your question now. :)

"Would it bother you to leave things open?"

This is how I feel about this issue: I don't believe in leaving anything to chance. I believe that is sloppy and unorganized and just too unpredictable. It doesn't give me any security or assurance in the relationship. And when I don't feel sure about something, I am more likely to just drop it. Because, for me, relationships require TRUST.

As far as specifics go:
I am okay with leaving things open-ended as far as the prospect of future date planning IF there is a solid agreement between the two parties that there WILL be a date. And it has to be something like a 12-month window at the very most. Anything more that that is just "bullshit.". (No offense.). You know what I mean?

Then, after that, it could be narrowed to a 2-month window. As in, "I would like to see you sometime in either December or January. Is that ok?". "Sure!". And then when November comes then they actually start to negotiate about plans. But they shouldn't leave it until after Thanksgiving to start discussing! They should probably start the conversation by November 15th. Because people need to plan ahead.
(Now, I'm not saying they have to FINALIZE plans by the end of November! I'm just saying they should at least START the discussion.)
Plans should be finalized at least 1 week before the planned meeting date.

by the way, just to clarify, I'm not saying people NEED to MEET within one year. (They can still commit to beginning a dating relationship long-distance without meeting.). However, it is recommended.

So yeah, that is my take on the issue of "open-ended"ness!

*P. S. Also, a meeting doesn't necessarily mean a relationship. Just for the record.

[Anonymous]

The long and the short of it is that assumption is the mother of all fuck ups, there is simply no way to know one way or another, only he could potentially know but even then it is entirely possible that the reason is different for each instance.

I think the problem actually lies in what you agreed to because you did not define that it was also not ok to bring up the subject of not having met in the event that you dont meet at the specified time but then later meet ordinarily in your day to day life, which is what you require.

That wasn't in the contract.

[VIVANT]

Update in the update if you want an update lol no room on this post How do I get out of the “meet me any Thursday”arrangement mess I made without alienating the guy I originally asked out? ↗

[VIVANT]

And yes I do agree with you the irony that I was trying to find what I thought was an iron clad way to avoid assumptions and I just proliferated the potential, exponentially. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Aakash_Hangargi]

It's quite simple he expected you to be angry or disappointed or let's say frustrated bc you were waiting for him and he agreed to meet.

So as for him it's an expected reaction , but now you said no need to apologise well he did need to as general courtesy.

You can come as passive agressive if you don't accept apology lol 🤣🤣🤣 .

He might think you are not ok but pretending to be ok although from your end you are alright.

That is how people understand.

So next time if he apologises just accept it don't like debate with him that it's ok 😹

[VIVANT]

Don’t you think it’s passive aggressive to not accept that I’m ok with a plenty we both agreed to?

[VIVANT]

No one forced him he could’ve said yes not ok with it. Literally assuming I’m a liar lol this isn’t ok your version of events sounds like proper etiquette to you it’s undermining someone else’s agency to me 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Its not assuming that you are a liar, but assuming you are upset and don't want to accept his apology and you are coming up with reasons to not accept it.

It will not satisfy as he himself believes his guilty of doing you wrong bc he did say he will meet you next Thursday previously and he could be firm it's not about you.

It's about him not be able to keeping up his commitment

Bc he don't wants to loose chance with you

[VIVANT]

No he didn’t he said he will meet me! I said any Thursday. In his MIND he planned to meet me both times but I didn’t know that and he knows I didn’t know that lol

Alright alright. I’m not going to argue I was just curious & you may be right which is very uncomfortable. I mean he either isn’t interested and can’t say so or yes super neurotic and will maybe sometimes trust I jean what I say or he won’t depending on what he would mean 😐

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Lol you said earlier that he was planing to meet you first Thursday but he got busy and couldn't make it he himself told you and apologised and later he thought to meet you the next Thursday but again he couldn't make it si yeah he would feel guilty of not able to honour his words

And in girls dictionary it's a red flag

The thing why you are finding it difficult is you are only thinking your part in it but not thinking from his end like is he valid on his perception? This is completely situational not one size fits all so let it be limited to this scenario..

Donot expect assume he would always assume things lol 😂😂😂

[lightbulb27]

You’d be well served being less serious and more cheeky… takes stress off. Look for witty responses. Ex
“Yea next time show up on time fella… this is important “ saying so he knows it isn’t important.


He doesn’t feel wanted and he’s confused.

[VIVANT]

Im sure you’re right about this. I’m not good at being funny when people are distressed bc if it comes off wrong I know there are going to be more layers for me to explain.

I’m used to being presumed incorrectly so I anticipate having to correct things. Maybe I can Hearn to be funnier might help but I do feel stressed bc it gets exhausting people assuming everything you say means something you didn’t say. 🤯

[VIVANT]

Update is in the update if you want. I’d put it here but no room 😊

[lightbulb27]

haven't read that yet.
Are you sure your self esteem is good? I associate your behavior with "I don't feel like I matter". You are projecting that onto him and i sounds like he literally said... I don't think you care if I'm here. You do, you don't want to create pressure, but you aren't showing that and then spending hours re-processing what it all means. It's mixed up and unclear desires/expectations and value and meaning. Life is push pull, control vs freedom, etc.. Imagine your wedding where you say "I'll be there but if you aren't, It's fine, I don't care.". If you don't care, then who does or is supposed to? It's some fascinating training you got. Im kinda like that at times, were all blends of "this and that". But I'd say my self esteem and value was low as well for the longest time, I didn't feel worth. Thus, someone could abuse me and it was ok, I wouldn't' defend. That's not really good in this world...
If this was a fishing trip... you mean you are ok going and sitting down at the lake, not caring if any fish show up? of course you do... you want a dang fish!
Flexibility is good, but don't be run over. Have some value in yourself and in your time with others. Some of this is your personality, some your perception from training in life... I think.

[VIVANT]

Well no it actually was helpful to me to keep it flexible bc I wasn’t really wanting anything serious I love real slow and all I wanted was to try hanging out with him alone bc he ends up trying to talk to me a lot at the library sjd it’s awkward but it also made me kind of curious. So I thought let’s move it out of the library.

It’s interesting what you are saying I didn’t think of projecting working in that kind of way but for myself and I’m not saying it’s good I just feel very confined if someone moves to quickly in their assumptions so I try to keep things very very very neutral until we know each other better. It’s a survival mechanism from living in dangerous situation with pathological people.

If someone does harm me I have no problem walking away but it does take me a long time to register if I care I’m used to being detached & numb. It’s not that I’m unable to stand up for use if so much as I keep myself in a sort of frozen state abs I have very delayed reactions so I guess I think if I go slow enough it will give my brain a chance to register my feelings— which is historically very challenging for me.

Tho I should be aware that perhaps the way you see it is how other people can see it and that’s def not what I’m trying to project 😊😊🙏🏼

[VIVANT]

I forgot the update lol

How do I get out of the “meet me any Thursday”arrangement mess I made without alienating the guy I originally asked out? 

[VIVANT]

How do I get out of the “meet me any Thursday”arrangement mess I made without alienating the guy I originally asked out? ↗

[melanieeeB]

I personally don't like to leave things open butt if it's your style and you prefer it that way, then everything is fine! Especially when you explain the other person how you mean it, like you did, it's all okay and I think everyone can understand that.

This one was maybe not interested enough in meeting with you, but that's okay.
Now it's turn for the next man to come, who probably can't wait until next Thursday to get a smoothie after your swim and talk with you!

[VIVANT]

Thank you for answering about whether I can still do this even tho he is being weird.

Still I’m curious why does he keep apologizing for something we already agreed to? It’s super awkward.

[melanieeeB]

He is probably feeling guilty? I don't know but whatever it is, keep doing you

[VIVANT]

No question of that I was just curious 😊

[VIVANT]

If you want an update there’s one in the update of this other post. I ran out of room here 😊

[melanieeeB]

Momento

[melanieeeB]

Giirl sounds good to me, so he does like you but Thursdays are a little tricky for him? I hope i got that right... anyways! I would just say, ask him when it's good for him and try to find another day and a set date or meeting as "friends" first, to still keep it casual and not so fast, and well meet up! Haha🙏🏼🙏🏼

[VIVANT]

Yeah I’m going if when we meet up he won’t be offended that if we both want to meet again it can be at least two weeks later. I move slow I know the standard is once a week but I need decompression space 😅

[melanieeeB]

Giilr it's all okay and I'm sure if he has to study, he will be busy and that way you will easily get to your ever few weeks and taking it slow🙏🏼 I hope it goes well 🥰

[Havthrills]

It's better to make a certain day and time. If not, it just sounds like you kind of want to hang out but don't really care if you don't. After the last "apology" meeting, he feels like you really don't care. So he will show if he feels like it now.

If you really want to meet up and hang out, set a time and day not just say "anytime I'll be around."

[VIVANT]

Go to next question update 😊😊

[VIVANT]

How do I get out of the “meet me any Thursday”arrangement mess I made without alienating the guy I originally asked out? ↗

[pizzalovershouse]

Iim never late I'm early an I've never stood up a date I even let them know a hr before date I be there a bit early that why it best to make a date where you can meet up with a friend there so incase they don't show no big loss but its rude to do that more than once

[VIVANT]

I hear you I agree but he did not show bc it was set up to for any Thursday not a particular Thursday 😊😊

[pizzalovershouse]

Oh ok

[roxy_362]

I feel like Option A may be the most likely scenario, but then again it's hard to know what anyone (male or female) thinks/feels until you hear an explanation from them. If you really like him, you may set up another meeting in less uncertain terms (things may already be certain enough for you, but maybe not for him). However, if that's just a passing interest, maybe you can leave things as they are... So, the future of this depends more on how you feel about him than anything else.

[ChiTown33]

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I think it's good you're concerned about his feelings on this matter. But you're asking us to be inside his brain. We can't know exactly what his motivations are and sometimes misunderstandings happen regardless of 2 peoples best efforts. Some people are just better suited for eachother than others. Is that this guy? Well that remains to be seen I guess.

I can say this I would probably take it as you're minimally interested. And if it were me I'd probably treat it accordingly. Not saying I would lose interest if I were him. But I'd give it the response I felt it deserved. Which means I would take it at face value and leave it at that. But I definitely wouldn't push forward.

But as I've said before I give people the same energy they give me. I would have apologized to. Because when you're late whether it is a big deal to the other person or not you apologize. It just an acknowledgment that thier time matters as well.

[Alex8736]

Next time you run into him just wave and stick to what you are doing and if he strikes up a conversation then keep it simple

[VIVANT]

What do this have to do with my question?

[Alex8736]

When he apologizes all you have to tell him is "no worries" where he might sense at first he had a commitment and was obligated

[VIVANT]

I did then he thought that means I don’t care and then he kept trying to explain. I’m trying to keep it simple. He knows there’s no obligation so it’s just odd 🤷🏻‍♀️😊

[Alex8736]

Very odd

[Jerre]

I voted A. He feels guilty as hell. Not worth your time.

[Jerre]

@VIVANT Thank you for the Like

[VIVANT]

Sure thing Jerre!

[KatherineJ]

@VIVANT you are overthinking.

[VIVANT]

It’s all resolved now he explained his reaction directly which I appreciated 😊

[KatherineJ]

@VIVANT that’s good!

[Philyouup]

because he’s a polite citizen , Ms Viv?

[Anonymous]

wow no idea crazy

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

What is a "bad time" for you?