I fall quickly for guys and end up scaring them off. How can I stop falling for everyone and repelling guys I like?

[Anonymous]

I always tend to fall super quick and even if I try to hide it it seems like the guy can just sense it and immediately be freaked out. It’s like I start giving off some type of desperate vibe but I’m really just desperate not to have the same bullshit keep happening to me!

I just don’t get it I’m a cute girl with a nice and flunky personality but I just seem like it fuck things up with every guy I like. We could be on great terms before and as soon as I find him attractive it’s done for.

and before someone says it im not going for the top 1% or something I like a variety of guys with varying levels of physical attractiveness, differing social statues, introvert and extroverts alike

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Funny personality*

[SteveSmith1985]

I am not quite sure what to make of this exactly.

See... usually, if someone has the problem you've got it's fairly simple. It's exactly what you mentioned in the beginning about 'giving off desperate vibes'. But honestly, I can pretty much say for sure that's not what's happening here.

I don't have to know you to notice a few things about you (I'm obviously making some giant assumptions... but I bet they're right).

You are not giving off that desperate vibe, at least not in the way that's usually meant. You are, first of all way too self-aware to be someone who would give off the typical desperation vibes. You understand how not to do that (I'm pretty sure).

Second. I believe you have a plucky personality and auto-correct is a jerk. You seem like you have a plucky personality. You also seem to have a good, healthy level of self-confidence. The girl who is apt to give off the desperation vibes is generally more apt to 'feel sorry for herself' in how she looks at her love life.

You give off the impression that you're frustrated (here in your question I mean). You seem like you're aware that you're a catch--which is great. The girl with typical desperation vibes is... desperate for the guy to think she's a catch. The desperation is almost rooted in a fear that she's not really (a catch). You're just frustrated because, although you're a catch you seem to be scaring guys off once you like them.

Now, you COULD be giving off some other sort of weird vibe that guys are having a problem with.

But if I had to guess, I would guess that it's likely somehow related to the intensity of your feelings vs the length of time (or closeness perhaps) of the 'relationship' (which I realize is not yet at that stage).

I'm basing that mostly, on the fact that you chose to include "fall quickly" in your title, suggesting it's important or at least might be. Coupled with the notion that guys (especially guys who aren't quite on the same 'fallen hard fast' wavelenth with you) could be freaked out in general by a 'too hard too fast' when it comes to how 'two people talking' proceeds into a relationship.

This unfortunately has no generic obvious easy answer. Feel free to DM me if you're comfortable. Or if you prefer, you can reply here.

So, if you're willing to, please tell me about some of these times this has happened IN AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE. The more detail the better. I'm sure I can at least help give you some possibilities if I knew the specifics. SO if you care to either DM me or reply here, and we'll see what things look like for you 'on-the-ground'. 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you for not thinking I’m reeking desperate energy haha 😅 It might be timing is kinda quick as I said I fall fast and hard. Depending on my reaction I see a few trends.

I tend to develop a very go for it or miss the chance attitude which sometimes bites me in the leg making kinda rash decisions. One time I remember going up to the guy all the time but never really acknowledging him outside of that because I would get too nervous which started off good before it got weird and awkward very quickly. The guy was incredibly shy and I never took into consideration that i might be overwhelming coming over loud and energetic 24/7 wanting to know all about him. I have definitely toned it down since then!

Other guys tend to butter me up really early on which I’m personally very weak to so as I said before fall very hard very quickly and reciprocate that energy. I’ll start complimenting him a ton too and looking to talk to him etc etc which I’ll start toning down because last 2 guys have gotten very dry and less talkative when I’ll try to be interested back. I think maybe more subtly flirting or something? I get that whole sudden flirting back and being sought out might be a lot when you thought you were chasing.

Main reason I try to be so straight forward and go for it is because I used to be the type of girl to basically completely ignore I the person I like out of fear, so maybe it’s a mix or the right guy and slowing starting to develop that interest over time instead of letting myself get swept away all of sudden?

[SteveSmith1985]

(two-parts to this reply) Ok you are indeed quite self-aware. That's excellent. So I think that your observations are... all basically parts of the right pieces (all of them. Not that these are all problems, just that these are all the angles you want to be looking at. You're absolutely going about this the right way)

So the first thing is that there seems to be a bit of a thread of feeling/worrying that you might be 'overwhelming' guys. That might... be the case. But these situations are rather different.

So if you're talking about an the situation of the extremely shy guy, it sounds like you may indeed have overwhelmed him. But, did this guy like you back? or was this a situation of you liking him?

The situation where other guys tend to butter you up. Now... this one has a bit to dig into.

First, are these guys 'buttering you up' (insincere flattery) or are these guys genuinely complimenting you earnestly? There is a huge difference right?

[SteveSmith1985]

I think the concept to focus in on is "reciprocation". That's going to have to be at the root of any problem of this sort. If two people like each other the same amount (and want the same thing, and to move at the same pace) then they can absolutely fall HARD. But it has to be mutual for that to work. If both people AGREE that they are super into each other and want to spend 24/7 together right away... nobody gets scared off. I've done that. It's a good time. But... if it's not completely mutual... then that will scare anyone off (because you're wanting more intensity, or time, or seriousness or whatever than they want).

Now guys who seemed to like you and then got dry and less talkative when you try to be interested back might possibly be the same thing. I'd like to hear your thoughts on whether you think this makes any sense to you as a possibility.

The other thing is, it does sound like subtle flirting is the way to go WHEN YOU LIKE SOMEONE BUT DON"T KNOW HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT YOU.

Flirting is like a long dance of increasing intensity. It's just signs of interest sent from one person, and that person sees the interest and sends back a sign or signal of their interest back. And it goes back and forth and back and forth.

If you're basically deciding to approach guys who YOU like but who might not like you (or who you don't know very well) then, yes you do indeed have to not go in 'overwhelmingly intense'.

But Let me just say... that you seem to be "the girl who I keep telling other girls to be".
Do you know how fucking cool it is that you're a girl who used to feel ignored until you decided to just... be LOUD and yourself! Do you have any idea how many times that's the essence of the advice I have for someone who feels that way. DO you have any idea how few times anyone is ACTUALLY ABLE to consciously make the change you've made? You're one of only a handful of people I've ever met. So don't tone it down too much.

[SteveSmith1985]

Come to think of it. How is your behaviour with friends, vs with guys? Do you 'let loose' in the same way? Are you more-or-less the same person? Some people put on 'a dating face' and try and create a certain image, or to come-off a certain way (this isn't as weird or wrong as it sounds, most people do this to a point).

e. g. if you're someone whose always telling jokes with your friends, but feel like you should be a bit less immature with guys you're into. In other words..."self-aware-girl' are you any different from 'normal' with guys?

[Brando10222]

Understand that there is something called friendship too. Not everyone will want to stick to you and be your boyfriend.

[watercolor_lions]

Maybe limit your contact with them. Like after you realize you're interested in a guy, start avoiding him. Then he'll ask about you, and where you've been. Get him thinking about you a little bit?

And totally hide your anxiety by avoiding being around him too much?

[Asker]

That’s what I do half that time but usually he either finds another girl or he get into some weird thing and it gets 10 times worse. Can explain it really.

Sometime in doings throwing these guys off but not sure avoiding is the best option since that’s backfired on me way more.

[watercolor_lions]

I have no idea what to tell you. That's really strange

[4ngelic]

how do you act when you start liking a guy

[Asker]

Usually pretty normal I think. Sometimes if he’s already expressed interest in act more straight foward. When I’m texting I’ll usually reply pretty fast or text first. Sometimes I’ll do kinda bold shit outta nowhere like say I like a guy I know , I’ll dm him on ig to start a convo (almost always with some dumb excuse.)

I do notice other times I can get overly flighty though, almost avoidant. I’m not sure what I’m doing but it’s something about it that must be throwing people off.