If I really want marriage and children should I heavily focus on it and pursue it or should I let go of the desire and let it happen on it's own time?

[Anonymous]

I have always wanted marriage and children. But it has not happened for me yet. Sometimes I find myself thinking about it a lot. All my friends are in relationships and have kids. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm behind and running out of time. I've dated in the past but the guys weren't interested in marriage or even getting me pregnant. I notice that people who don't want kids or marriage seem to be the ones that guys get pregnant or they end up in relationships. I am more of a old fashion kind of woman when it comes to relationships and I've always treated the guys that I dated well. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder if I'm too loving or too kind. Maybe I come off too desperate? I'm currently dating someone new and I want marriage and I want to have children with him but I don't want to talk about it too much and scare him away. They say things happen when you stop looking for them. Should I just go with the flow and forget about how I want marriage and kids. Should I just let go of my fear of running out of time? Should I never bring up these things to the new guy that I'm dating?

[Anonymous]

I think you should actively pursue it. Why hasn’t this happened? Especially in your younger years? I hate to say this but at the age range you’re in those chances are getting smaller and smaller. Most men want a girl who is pure, younger, more fertile. You’ll find men willing to date no doubt but will they want something serious like you. Even if they want something serious do they want kids as well as marriage. A lot of older men have already been through that all. So they may just be looking for a girlfriend. Someone said men won’t marry down, that isn’t true. Most men will marry down. I can’t speak for women on that subject if they will or won’t. But if that’s your end goal relationship wise it needs to be brought up. Let’s say you spend two years w this man, only to find out he doesn’t want either, well you just lost two years of that narrow window. As for you saying you’d go to a sperm bank if that was your only choice, I’d say adopt first. While I don’t like the idea of a single parent, especially a female raising a child on her own, there are a lot of children who want a family that are already living.

[FinalFantasyBro]

Considering that what you want that should immediately be your main focused but make sure you don't completely scared off any men. It is ok to mentioned about wanting to become a mother and wife but you have to make sure you can find a guy who is hoping to become a father and husband because just like women, all men are different some are interested in becoming family man while others don't want to have any children or get married so you gotta make sure you respect the men decisions if he isn't looking to become a husband and father than that means you still need to keep searching until you find Mr. Right.

[LazerBean]

Sounds like either you are not being picky enough about the men you start dating or you're just not attracting the right sort of men. I guess just keep working on improving yourself while also staying open to be approached.

[Anonymous]

I stopped pursuing all that when I turned 30 to focus on myself and met my boyfriend 2 months later by chance so I don't know, maybe you should give that a shot?

[Asker]

Yea maybe I should do that. I’m currently dating someone but maybe I should just stop thinking of marriage and kids and focus on myself while dating him?

[Opinion Owner]

I wouldn’t advise that necessarily, because the whole point of a relationship is to eventually get married, otherwise it’s a waste of time, you know? So working towards that goal with is fine, but at the same time I’d say go with the flow. By that I mean don’t try squeezing a husband out of the wrong man for the sake of getting married, if that makes sense.

[Asker]

Yes that makes sense. I’ll work on the relationship while going with the flow. Should I have a cut off age? Like if I don’t have kids with him by a certain age I should leave?

[Opinion Owner]

Personally I don’t have a cut off age in mind and wouldn’t advise you to have one either. My reason is that I believe everything will fall into place at the right time. When I’m meant to have a baby I will, same as when I’m meant to get married. I believe that if you set a cutoff date, you may find yourself settling for the wrong person in an effort to get married and have a baby. Or let’s say your cutoff age is 34, you will be so stressed if you have no baby by then and that age is looming on the horizon. What if your potential baby daddy isn’t the right fit? Or what if you aren’t quite ready? You don’t want to overlook important details like this in a haste to get pregnant.

[Asker]

Yes that is very true. I don’t want to settle or rush or make the wrong decisions. But as a woman what do we do when we look up and we’re 37, 38 and still haven’t found a man to have kids with. Yes it’s still possible to have healthy children at those ages and beyond but then we might have to look at options like spermbanks etc. I guess that’s why I was considering a cut off age. But reading what you wrote makes a lot of sense to me and I see it differently now. I think I’ve become impatient because everyone around me seems to have what I want. But I need to change my mindset maybe and believe that it will happen in time, on time when it’s meant to happen. And I will have everything I need and want.

[Opinion Owner]

I completely understand. I’m 31 now and the worries you have are similar to mine. But I genuinely believe that everything will happen when it’s supposed to and to cross certain bridges once we get to them. For instance, if freezing your eggs gives you piece of mind for the future, you should totally consider it. Or if you get to 35, you’re single and have no kids, then sure, consider other routes as well. But it’s too much to worry yourself with when you can be enjoying life in present time as a single person. I’m in a place right now where I want to work on my wellness and betterment in all areas of life. Realistically I don't know how great a mom I would be at this time, but when the time does come I want to feel as ready as I can. Maybe you should focus on those things as well. Then the rest will fall into place. Like I’d lost hope for a healthy relationship but here I am. You just never know.

[Asker]

Yeah you are right. Maybe I should just focus on improving myself. I have to believe that things will happen when it’s meant to happen. Worrying about when it will happen and how I don’t have it yet has made me sad. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

And you definitely don’t deserve to feel that way! I know things can seem bleak and unsure but have confidence in gods plan for you (if you’re spiritual of course). Everything will fall into place but until then focus on your happiness and creating memories and milestones you can be content with.

[Opinion Owner]

Also I’m sorry it’s a random question but how long have you been with this guy? I noticed you said you were afraid to bring these things up but if it’s been a while I don’t think there’s harm. I’m almost a year in with my partner and we’ve barely gotten to those talks.

[Asker]

Thank you! I agree I shouldn’t sit around sad. I should focus on making my self happy and enjoying life. But I’ve been dating him for 10 months now. We have talked about marriage and kids. He said he wants both but I think I’m impatient. Maybe I need to calm down and go with the flow enjoying our time together. That’s pretty cool it sounds like we have things in common when it comes to this. I’m 31 as well.

[Opinion Owner]

Wow! Who knows maybe we were meant to run into each other tonight, being that we have similar timelines. Sometimes it’s helpful to hear that you aren’t alone☺️. We’re heading into a new year, who knows what it’ll hold for you and your partner, but just remember to stay present and let things fall into place. There’s no rush :)

[Asker]

I’m going to remember what you said. Maybe it was meant for us to run into each other tonight. I was really sad tonight that’s why I came here to ask this question because I wanted to know what I should do. But you’re right a new year is coming who knows what the future holds for me and my partner. I have to stay positive. I hope nothing but good things for you and your partner too. It’s really nice to talk to someone in a similar situation who understands how you feel.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you so much, I’m really hoping the best for you. And hey, if things aren’t feeling right with him then please don’t waste your time, life is too short

[Summeroflove]

You find good men. Men who are good Christian men with good morals. If a man wants sex on the first date. Dump him. Be clear with your boundaries too

[Adaeva]

Probably you have unrealistic standards. That implies you are dating the best you can date and rejecting the best you can marry. Men date down but they don't marry down. Also, at your age, your choices are far more limited then when you were in your high teens and low 20s. Since you waited so long, it is probably best that you forego having children.

[ArtemisSilver]

You might have to actively seek it out after 30. There's nothing wrong with that though.

It's sometimes hard to find a guy who's serious about a relationship and giving a woman babies in a mature way. Have you considered alternative relationship structures?

[Asker]

What kind of alternative relationship structures?

[ArtemisSilver]

Polyfidelity is a good option. You can DM me if you want I'll tell you all about it if you like.

[Asker]

I have heard about that. I never considered it before. I thought if I didn’t find anyone who wants to give me children by a certain age then I would go to the spermbank. I want to have a natural relationship and have children the natural way but I know eventually I won’t have forever.

[ArtemisSilver]

Well exactly, and a lot of the best dad's have already got wives and children. So being in a new relationship format might give you a better option than a sperm bank. You'd just have to share the guy, but that's not necessarily a bad thing if he's there for you and your kids.

[Asker]

Where do you meet couples who are into that kind of lifestyle?

[ArtemisSilver]

There are aps for it and notes on dating profiles. I'm part of that lifestyle too. My primary is tired of having babies but I'd like a few more with the right woman.

[Asker]

Wow I didn’t know that there was a community of people out there that live that lifestyle. It’s interesting to know that things like that can be an option.

[ArtemisSilver]

Yeah, sometimes they even live together to pool income and childcare etc. It can work great.

[Asker]

And your girlfriend is ok with you being with other women and getting other women pregnant?

[ArtemisSilver]

Wife, and yes she's cool with it. She's happy when I'm happy.

[ArtemisSilver]

So far though I've just made her pregnant. I'm still looking for a good lady to have some more babies with.

[Asker]

Wow. What apps are used to find relationship structures like these?

[ArtemisSilver]

Tinder mostly. Usually I just explain what I'm into and see who's interested.

[ArtemisSilver]

Ok Cupid is good for finding people like me, but they're pretty money hungry

[bamesjond0069]

You should focus on it.

You're wasting time with men who will never do such a thing.

The unfortunate truth you will find out though is the men who are willing to marry and have kids with you will be less generally overall attractive to you. So you need to be realistic. The more you ask of a man the less of a man you will get.

[Jamie05rhs]

The real question is who is this guy and what is he about? What can you tell us about him?
Remember that the main goal in dating is to evaluate the person you're talking to and find out if they're a suitable candidate or not.

[Asker]

I’ve been dating the new guy for 10 months now. He has a steady job. He treats me well and respects me. He hasn’t made it an official relationship yet. I’ve met his friends and family and he invites me to family events. He says he wants kids. So far things seem to be going well.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay; cool! That's great! :)

[Jamie05rhs]

So then just keep talking to him and see where it goes. :)

[Asker]

Should I just go with the flow and not mention marriage and babies much?

[Jamie05rhs]

Well, no; I wouldn't say that. You should still be intentional. Always be confident in what you want and never be afraid to speak up for yourself and let your goals and desires be known.

[HighValue]

What is your age now?

What is your past like? Casual sex, contact with exes, or anything like that?

[Asker]

I’m 31 now. No I do not keep in contact with ex’s. I don’t like casual sex. I always try to have sex only with men I’m dating.

[HighValue]

So you never had casual sex then?
At your age I'd suggest making it your priority to find someone compatible for long term now and not to wait too long. If you want marriage and don't want them to be put off by discussing it early, just mention that you are open to signing a prenuptial agreement, because that is most men's main concern with marriage.

[CanadianLearner]

Focus on making it happen, but not at the expense of being in a very unhealthy relationship, should that arise.

[Berethor]

You over 30, you don't have much time, you should talk about it when you date someone.

[Anonymous]

I would focus on finding the right person. Kids are typically the natural progression from there. Still you'd do well to make sure they want to have kids and not just assume.

[Twalli]

You need to bring it up eventually. If you were dating me, I wouldn't agree, because I don't want kids and can't get a girl pregnant.

[OddBeMe]

At 30-35? Prob focus.