Is he just not interested in marriage or not interested in marrying me?

[Puppystarfish23]

Me and my boyfriend have been together over 3 years and we've been living together for over a year with his parents.

We are looking to buy a house together and settle down. He turns 30 in May and he keeps saying he doesn't want to be a old dad but I've told him his he wants children he's gotta put a ring on my finger first that's just how I feel about it. I don't want my children being born outside on marriage not but I look down on those who are it's just I want my family to go by traditional values.

I've been dreaming of my special day since I was a little girl and he tells me he doesn't really think much of getting married.

Everyone around us is getting married, we aren't getting any younger and everyone keeps asking when us as if I fucking know and I find it as frustrating.

I've even compromise for him I've told him i don't mind if it's a small wedding now and he keeps saying if we were to get married certain members of family aren't to be invited just because they aren't all angles and have had trouble with drugs and stuff which I find kinda rude as they are still my family and it's as if he looks down on them. Does he ever think they might have turned to drugs because my family is so dysfunctional and that having them around in a positive setting might be a good thing for a change.

Now he tells me he thinks married is a waste of money and that he doesn't really wanna get married. I didn't say anything but inside it really hurt and made me feel so disappointed. He should want to marry me I shouldn't have to begg him.

I made him promise me but he'd marry me and he said he would but now he's trying to take it back is it something I've done which is making him think I'm not worth it.

He is a good man and he takes really good care of me that's why I want to marry him but I don't think he feels the same anymore. I want to talk to him about it but I don't wanna fight and I can't seem to find the time

Updates

1 y

Okay so I've spoken to him about it he says it's because of money. He told me he doesn't trust my stister if we split up not to convince me to take his money. He says he does want to marry me but only if I'm willing to sign a prenuptial agreement

[abc3643]

You stick to your guns.
If he wants to grow up, then he needs to grow up... and get married.
Frankly, I don't think he's mature enough to be married.

Now, do not freak-out about what I am about to tell you.
You may need to move out for about a month or two.
This will do one of two things.

1. Either he will deal with it - in which case, he wasn't ready to be married and didn't truly love you.

OR

2. He will have a meltdown and become despondent and sound insanely desperate to get you back. THAT'S when many a man learns what being in love - real love - really is. Such a man - and I was one of them, I believe - needs to have his balls to the wall. When you illustrate that you are no longer in his life the way he is accustomed, he will never want that threatened again and should then have just the prompt he needs to "put a ring on it".

I hate what I wrote, but I know it is true. You may not like what this implies or even what the result may be (which is that he doesn't "really love" you yet). But, if a man has never been in real love before, he will often not realize he is until it is threatened. Then, when it is, he goes insane becoming obsessive with needing to solve this problem.
That is, he needs you because he is addicted to you - that's what real love is - an addiction.
So, without you, he begins to suffer the withdrawal of that addiction and that is feeling the onset of a broken heart.

Now, I want to say one other thing and you are not going to like it.

You are pushing him and men do not like being pushed because, instinctively, they know that haste makes waste and they do not want to make a decision they will regret. When a woman is pushy, that is a turn-off. I had a girlfriend like that - she wanted to seal the deal with me right away. I wasn't ready; I didn't like being an actor playing a part in a movie she was writing, directing, and starring in in her head. So, I ended it and do not regret it. After I dumped her, she moved on to the next actor in her play and he kept the part - they being married less than 2 years after I dumped her.

I can't blame you for wanting some kind of verbal commitment but a verbal commitment about love from a man is really fiction. He needs to feel it and, unfortunately, that often requires a first broken heart so he understands the shear terror of the loss of love. It is THEN that he knows what real love is and what the stakes are. So, you may need to prompt that in your boyfriend; thus my earlier suggestion.
It's what my aunt did to seal the deal with my uncle after they were living together for 20 years.

Find out if he's ever had a broken heart before. I strongly suspect he hasn't no matter what he says.
A man getting his first broken heart is equivalent to his personal 9/11 or Vietnam. It scars and you never forget it.

[abc3643]

RESPONSE TO UPDATE:
DUMP HIM NOW.
NO FUCKING PRE-NUP.

Heed my words:
A man who wants a pre-nup from a woman is a man who does not love that woman.

>>>>> DUMP HIM NOW <<<<<

[bamesjond0069]

I think he is interested in a committed ltr with you. He's not interested in wasting money on a big wedding or being financially fucked over if you leave him.

I mean there is a reason lots of men won't marry anymore these days and it's because of stupid laws that are relatively new. Your grandparents didn't have these laws and considerations to worry about but men today do.

[AnyAdviceAppreciated]

I was in your situation. Together for 10 years. Finally engaged after 11 years. Married at 12 years together and separated after being together for 20 years. It is now too late for me to have children and I don't think I will ever get over that. You really need to sit him down - one on one. No family or friends. Just the two of you and have a raw, honest discussion about what your future looks like. If then you are 100% certain that he loves you ad much as you love him, then agree to the prenuptial agreement, get married and have your family. HOWEVER, if there is ANY doubt whatsoever of his true feelings for you, even in the slightest, you need to reconsider staying with him because believe me, a ring on your finger and a piece of paper is not going to change the way he feels about you. I don't know you, but I don't want you to go through the heartache, anger, hurt and missing out on the opportunity to have a family because he is too immature to settle down. If he can't ans won't treat you the way you deserve and should be treated, someone else will. You just need to decide soon because you are 30 like you said and it starts to get harder to conceive from here. I wish you all the best x

[Barbievan]

id say compromise. It's sounds like you have a great thing going. I would talk with him about going to elope somewhere special to the both of you. And yes sign this prenup to shut him up.

In my opinion (not trying of offend anyone) I know weddings are something many girls dream of, and have unknowingly create high expectations of them. But it may not be as great as you've dreamt of & can end up being a huge waste of $/headache.

go with your gut.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. STOP thinking about buying a house together.

2. You have invested three years in this relationship. You need to cut your losses. Do you want to be postng this same question two years from now?

3. He clearly does not want to get married. Do you want a husband who married you ONLY because he was pressured into doing it? If you manage to convince him to marry you, he will resent you. Everytime you have a disagreement, you will hear that he should have never married you, and ultmately you will get a divorce. I'm sure that s a part of the tradition that you would lke to avoid.

4. You need to accept the fact that this isn't going to work and that you will need to end the relationship. He will continue with the status quo as long as you allow that to happen; after all, he's already getting everything that he wants.

5. Tell him that it isn't fair to pressure him into marriage and it isn't fair to pressure you into havig kids without being married, so the only solution is to go your separate ways. Tell him you'll help him pack and that you want this done as quickly as possible.

Yes, I know this is much easier for me to tell you than it is for you to do, but I was in a somewhat similar situation about 6 years ago ((except that it didn't involve having children.) You just need to commit yourself to dong this, tell youself that your heart got you into this mess, so you muss rely on your head to get you out of the mess, and then don't allow yourself to reconsider this decision.

[Summeroflove]

Well if he is saying not to marriage then well seems there isn't a future with him. I mean you could get married at a courthouse and it not even cost anything.

You can NOT force someone to marry you and marriage is a huge life changing decision that should not be forced by either side. Though... It does seem that he has rejected your proposals every time and what you can do is decide if you see a future with him or not.

I think that is totally reasonable to not want kids until married.

[coachTanthony]

Sign the prenup. Love shouldn't be about money. Go for it.

[JamesDiaz11]

It doesn't take a lot of money to get married- you're just basing estimates off a traditional wedding. You can get a marriage certificate down at the courthouse today, and get someone to marry you (be it in a church, or an ordained minister) within a month for next to nothing. You just book the venue (e. g. church), or you don't even need to "book" anything. Just rent some seats (under $200 for a couple dozen), pick a spot at the beach, or in a park, etc. and you can officiate the marriage. As far as "receptions," just invite people to a modest restaurant, call to reserve a few tables near each other, and then have everyone just pick up their own tab for food/ drink. You could order a few bottles of champagne ($20 each) to toast, then you just return home (or if you want a "honeymoon" get a nice hotel for a day or two. All of this can be done well under $1000- if you do it extremely frugally you can do if for under $200.

You don't need a wedding dress, you can just wear a white dress that you already have- he doesn't need a tuxedo, a dress shirt and tie are sufficient- all of which you should both have as adults. Windsor is also very affordable for dresses if you want to get something special for the occasion.

He's just making excuses, possibly based on this idea that you need a big $10,000+ wedding- you don't. You're broke, embrace it, and adjust your events accordingly.

If he doesn't want to marry you under these adjusted conditions then he really just doesn't want to marry YOU. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to marry anyone, including you, because this is the same effect. I'd give him an ultimatum that you want to get married within the year or you're going to end the relationship.

[loveslongnails]

" He is a good man and he takes really good care of me" - HOW SO?

"Now he tells me he thinks married is a waste of money and that he doesn't really wanna get married. I didn't say anything but inside it really hurt and made me feel so disappointed. He should want to marry me I shouldn't have to beg him. -------- This is how things are and why do you think that is going to change?

"Does he ever think they might have turned to drugs because my family is so dysfunctional and that having them around in a positive setting might be a good thing for a change." ---------------- That's wishful thinking on your part. If my girlfriend's family had drug issues, I wouldn't want them around until they were clean and recovered. I'd sympathize and support her, but I don't want druggies in my world, potential in-laws or not.

You need to consider what's most important to you. If you want a family, and won't have it out of wedlock, and he won't marry, that's a done deal.

[Puppystarfish23]

They not even druggies that's the thing they've been caught with weed like maybe once and now there snoop dog to him

[loveslongnails]

Then that's another flag to consider.

[Daniela1982]

If you are having this many issues just living together, I'm not sure this is the right guy for you, or that you are even ready to get married. Having kids can be expensive, upwards of $200,000 per kid to raise to age 18. If you have to live with your parents who is going to pay for these kids? For one thing having a few kids is almost a full-time job. Childcare today is very expensive, if you can even find someone to do it. Without you both working full time buying a house and having kids is a dream. Perhaps you had better reassess your goals and future.

[Puppystarfish23]

I only mentioned one issue what were the others were referring to by saying "many"

[Daniela1982]

I'm sure all the things I mentioned would be an issue for lots of people. Either you aren't considering it all, or are just homing in on one particular one.

[Pyrofox]

I'd say with one addition to the prenup. Mutually agree if you two have kids, whether of blood or adoption you two aren't gonna use the marriage to ruin the kids development. If your their parents then you're their parents till the kids are at least old enough to grasp the reason for breaking up if it comes to that.

I've worked with teens and sometimes younger. And more often than not parents breaking up a marriage while a kid is just trying to grasp the world. Results in a narly case of the kid hating one parent or the other or the true worst of both cases they end up hating both parents for being selfish. Plus kids are brutal in schools selfishly ending a marriage can lead to scathing comments should the other kids find out.

[katiesmuff]

It appears from what you say that marriage to this man is pretty much out of the question. So guess you need to make some decisions yourself. Do you want children, will you be happy staying as is? If it is no to either one of those questions maybe it's time to break things off and begin hunting for a real man who would love to have a full real family.

[RandomGuy1030]

I always find it funny people like you are more concerned with your fantasy of a wedding day than the actual relationship you're in with a human being

[HollyK21]

@randomguy1030 what’s fantastical about wanting to get married and have kids? Because that’s all Katie mentioned, nothing about having some big elaborate wedding. There’s no need to be rude to her.

[RandomGuy1030]

@HollyK21 Having a boyfriend is enough to have kids. The court will order he pays for his seed anyway if you get pissed and leave

[RandomGuy1030]

In the real world a woman meets a boyfriend and has kids within a month too. Thats just real

[katiesmuff]

@RandomGuy1030 Sometimes young puppies like you should avoid getting into conversations concerning questions you aren't grown up enough to comprehend or have an intelligent response. This would keep you from sounding ignorant.

[RandomGuy1030]

You need marriage so you can drop that nice act and act like the b*itch you are

[HollyK21]

@randomguy1030 if they both want that then yes. But if one doesn’t want kids or marriage ever, and the other does then why stay together? That’s what Katie is saying.

[HollyK21]

Also it’s super disrespectful and unnecessary to call her a bitch. She’s responding to how rude you came at her in the first place so don’t act so attacked.

[RandomGuy1030]

I stand by what i said. If you need to get married it just means you're a b*itch who's tired of acting

[HollyK21]

@randomguy1030 are you illiterate or just can’t be wrong? To be clear as day, she said: “MARRIAGE TO THIS MAN IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.” It is HIM who does not want to get married, not HER lol good grief. It makes zero sense to say “if you need to get married you’re a bitch who’s tired of acting”, when she doesn’t want to get married in the first place. Go back to school comprehension and having some tact is not your strongpoint.

[RandomGuy1030]

@HollyK21 suck my dick, female

[HollyK21]

I doubt you even remember what that’s like, jackass😂

[RandomGuy1030]

FEMALE.

[HollyK21]

I’m reporting you.

[RandomGuy1030]

White female

[slatyb]

"Everyone around me..." Doesn't matter. Not all marriages are happy.

"We are looking to buy a house together and settle down" Don't buy a house before you are married. If he won't commit to a marriage, you shouldn't commit to a mortgage.

"I want to talk to him about it but I don't wanna fight"
Just end this. If you afraid of starting a fight, it's not a good relationship. Break up and find someone you are not afraid to talk to honestly.

[Mmmariaxc]

So he’s basically saying he doesn’t trust you and loves his money more than you. I’d not want to marry someone like that if I was you. Sometimes men just stick with and have kids with women they don’t seriously want to be with because it’s convenient, don’t be used.

[JohnOh1986]

Was he enthusiastic about the idea of marriage when you first brought it up? Unless he doesn't fully trust you/fears a divorce and the financial ramifications, if he really wants to be with you forever and it's so important he should marry you, but if he really doesn't want to it shouldn't be forced.

[Emilyis]

If you aren't sleeping together then Why are you even living there. He has NO plans to marry you or anyone else. He's a mommies boy. You need to let him go NOW! Even if he gives in and lets you win and you do get married, He's heart isn't going to be in it and he will end up dumping you anyway and so he can go back to his mommie.

[Jhunitor]

Title : The feminine urge to shame and attack men and their manhood everytime a man does not accept their request.

[SweetTwistedSatanist]

The update made it pretty clear. You know what to do to realize your dream. how do you feel about it?

[Puppystarfish23]

I get it but it's still a little annoying. i come from family a lot of women who whenever they got divorced took their husbands down really bad but they were the ones to cheat

[Puppystarfish23]

The husband's cheated

[SweetTwistedSatanist]

But you'll do it right? It's a very reasonable request.

[Stevefiveo]

Hmm, it sounds like he is not interested in marrying in general. It sounds like you have told him how important marriage is to you. I guess you are going to have to talk to him again and tell him how important marriage is to you. Maybe set up a goal date and say something like if you don't ask me to marry you by this date then we are going to have to break up. Good luck.

[Thatnyguy87]

Problem is your looking at it all wrong... Marrying anyone means leaving the safty of mom and dads house... Becoming the sole provider for the beguinings of his own family. Rent. Bills. etc... Talking about long term and taking that leap are two MASSIVELY. different things. didn't read all of your post just the headline... But im probably not wrong

[Surely]

Does he realize that married or not. If you were to have his children. Depending on where you live. You might as well be married. Because he will be held liable for the same things as if you were married.
if he doesn’t want children and you do. Then you two are not compatible enough to be together.

[boggboss]

Have u guys actually sat down and spoken about if you guys actually want to get married not just said it in passing but had a actual conversation about it with u including u won't have kids without getting married

[Itsnotperfect]

I think in two years no results in the relationship, is very difficult to succeed, of course, this is the individual idea, I want to say that if love him, then perhaps you can create good conditions together, put into your future family
No absolute feelings, only absolute love
Love is a firm choice, when you make a decision then do not reserve all on the choice

[exitseven]

Twisting his arm to get him to marry you is no way to start a life together. Tell him you are moving out because you are not getting what you need from the relationship. You will be better off in the long run.

[jshm2]

Look, three years cohabiting is plenty of time to get shit together. He's got a free maid and pussy in you. He see's no reason to commit further.