Is it a bad idea to go on dates with men that I’m not in love with?

[BrightBubblyKat]

Like a movie What’s love got to do with it mentioned about walking into love rather than running into it?

[SteveSmith1985]

The only problem is if these men BELIEVE you're in love with them. Or if they start telling you they're in love with you (and you don't feel it, but keep dating them).

But... to just go out on... like "a date". Like a regular-ass going to see a movie or out to dinner or something? No, you absolutely DO NOT have to be in love with someone to go out on a date with them.

Fact is... it's impossible to actually love someone unless you know them very well. So you should only date a guy if you feel like there's "potential" there. That's the key. Is this a guy who you are attracted to, and would like to get to know better because you're romantically interested?

Basically, a date is a chance to get to know someone better who you either "like" or who you feel like you MIGHT "like" if you knew them a bit better. So you should be "interested" in a guy to accept a date with him. He's asking you out because he DOES like you (or at least sees potential). So if you know for sure, that you're just not into this particular guy... then you should NOT go out on a date. It gives a guy false hopes. He likes you, and if you accept a date, then that says to him "you like him back too". So if you really DON'T... then you really are best to say no.

But you don't have to be in love to go on a date. You just need to be interested in getting to know them better on a romantic footing.

[BrightBubblyKat]

One does. I told him last year that I was in love with him but it wouldn’t work out. He chased me online and offline for a year and continues to this day online. I feel attracted and a bit interested, but I feel like I shouldn’t after how he creeped me out. I don’t know what I’m dealing with. But my therapist said this isn’t stalking, that it’s just persistence. Is that true? I’ve got Asperger’s and I don’t know about boundaries.

[SteveSmith1985]

(this is a 2 part reply... just a heads up)

Shit. Ok... so usually I am always prepared to defer to the opinion of a professional (like a Therapist).

I am not a doctor, therapist, mental-health professional or anything like that. I have zero qualifications. Therefore, in general, I am always prepared to tell someone to listen to their therapist over anything I tell them. The therapist is trained. I am not. Please do keep that in mind.

That being said... to be honest... I am SHOCKED that a therapist told you that this wasn't stalking. Especially if YOU find the behavior creepy. I mean... I really can't tell you how shocked I am by that. That seems... almost unbelievable to me.

So while this isn't necessarily "scary-stalking"... I think that this is pretty clearly inappropriate behavior which... if it creeps-you-out... should not be condoned by a therapist. That blows my freaking mind!

Let me try and explain a bit of what makes me say that:

First of all. You cannot actually love someone until you know someone very well. If someone thinks they "love" you... but they don't know you... that's "infatuation". Which is very different.

Since this guy doesn't REALLY know you (at least not super-well)... then he doesn't know "you" to actually feel love for "you." What he is infatuated with is the IDEA of you. He is obsessed with the IMAGE OF YOU HE CREATED FOR HIMSELF IN HIM HEAD.

He doesn't know you. What he's in love with is who he THINKS you are. And that itself can quickly become unhealthy (but isn't always, just by itself... not in all situations anyway).

[SteveSmith1985]

But most importantly, what the fuck does your therapist mean by calling this "persistence" as though it were ok! That's crazy.

I mean... if a guy shows interest in a girl (let alone tells her he "loves her" which is super inappropriate) and that girl tells him "she's not interested back"... then... THAT"S ALL THERE SHOULD BE TO IT.

"No" really and truly DOES really mean "no."

So if you told this guy you weren't interested in him. ANY "chasing" of you... is AUTOMATICALLY wrong. It's not ok. You have every right to say "no" to a guy... and expect him to accept that!

This is insane to me.

It's not even complicated. If you said "no". Then it's not alright for this guy to keep asking you out, or making advances on you. Chasing you isn't persistent. It's creepy! Because this guy is choosing to ignore what you're telling him you want. He is actively choosing not to respect it when you are telling him 'NO'.

That's not ok! I'm sorry. This is the very first time I've ever told anyone their therapist was wrong. But, YOUR therapist is wrong. Again, I am just a regular guy. But it doesn't take any training or special knowledge to see that this is clearly wrong.

This is really upsetting actually. Feel fee to DM me if you'd care to chat. Because this is... wrong. Especially if you're someone who needs a bit of help with identifying proper boundaries... I think it's so so wrong for your therapist to have told you this guys behavior was acceptable. It's not.

[LiamJHayden]

Nope. Without the hormonal/chemical "in love with" distorting one's senses, it might be easier to find someone who is truly compatible and worthy of genuine love.

[HollyK21]

And you saw how that relationship turned out Kat, lol. I don’t think you have to be in love to have a first date. Love at first sight doesn’t happen for everyone, at best you could be really into each other then fall in love after the first date if anything.

[OlderAndWiser]

I don't think anybody really falls in love BEFORE they start dating! You don't even know the person at that point; you only have, at best, some vague ideas about who they are. That is the purpose of dating: you spend time together, get to know each other, and decide whether you could stand each other for the rest of your lives. If so, you fall in love.

[Guy13]

As long as you are not leading them on then everything should be good. As long as you were straight-up with me then it would all work out.

[BrightBubblyKat]

I’m not really in love with anyone right at this moment. I actually don’t fall in love quickly or easily. I think I’ve been in love with four men previously. I never slept with any of them but one. I adored him, but he was a stupid man and he felt entitled to someone prettier than me (in my opinion). Also, I was too nice and obviously adored him and men need to know that you don’t need them to be happy. Or they won’t commit to you for long.

[Guy13]

Well, you sound like a great girl and hopefully sooner than later you find someone that you can totally invest in.

[BrightBubblyKat]

Thanks Ben. The problem I have is that I don’t really have a hard time attracting men, but I don’t get interested easily and I find a lot of men boring or selfish.

[BrightBubblyKat]

I think I’m probably happier single. I’ve got two more guys I’m going to try with, two good men and if I don’t fancy him and he doesn’t fancy me, I’m going to give up on dating all together. Being chased by men who are married, won’t accept no for an answer, are married, desperate, trying to use me or date rape me has largely turned me off the idea of commitment to anyone.

[Effably]

If dating neccessitated being in love we'd have near no dates!

Dating is to find out if it is someone you might be into. The only real prerequisite being that they seem like they will be at the time of going on the date. Sometimes not even that.

[slatyb]

We go on dates to see if love will develop. But you should not go on dates with men you find unattractive. Accepting a date means that you could imagine a romantic relationship with that person.

[Danny_dan92]

“In love with” how could you be in love with someone you’re just dating? More so go on dates with people you like

[SnowedIn]

Nope; not a bad idea at all. Love is like coffee or tea: instant SUCKS. Let it brew and steep and develop and age. Wine is a better analogy. :)

[Gummy_Cluster]

It's a lot like cat vomit. Give it time to age.

[SnowedIn]

@Gummy_Cluster... actually, funny you mentioned that. It was on the hardwood floor. It had dried and thus was pretty much like dry cat food again. Swept it up and quick hot water sponge then Lysol. Much faster and easier than I thought.

[Gummy_Cluster]

Yes, always let it age for a few months. I wish I didn't have carpet.

[Randalama]

It's a marketplace, nothing wrong with getting full value.

[Chad345]

I think the purpose of dating is to get to know someone better first? And then see if you love them?