What to do when the moment you saw him you know there’s no chance to like him, I can’t just say goodbye right?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Updates

3 mo

0 chance. No way I am going to like him. What can I do? He drove from another city to meet me. I am stuck to have a dinner.

Updates

3 mo

I want to go home. I regret meeting. He was better in pictures. He’s also totally clumsy

[BoopBoopBeep]

Yes, you are stuck. He drove from another city, the absolute bare minimum you can do is sit through dinner and provide good conversation. He may feel the same way about you, but he's looking at it from a "welp... already here... might as well" mentality. I've been on dozens of blind dates where I knew it was going nowhere. We still finished our dinner/dessert, perhaps a post dinner drink and went on our way. Society need not devolve to ashes because two people in the same room don't want to fuck.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No way, he’s feeling the same way about me. I am soooo out of his league. I am not being cocky, just saying the truth

[BoopBoopBeep]

You could be an out of his league blonde but he only likes redheads. You could be too short/tall/long haired/a plethora of other things. I put ten of my buddies in the room you'll get 10 different answers as to how attractive you or any other woman is. Regardless, none of that changes anything of my answer. Do you only work with people you find attractive? You still go out to lunch with them. Consider it two hours of practice for when you're in a boardroom with people you'd just as soon choke out as listen to them drone on for one more slide. There are far worse places to be than at a dinner table (that likely costs you nothing to be at) getting a nice meal.

[msc545]

Well said

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I did, what you advised. I was a good listener and had a nice conversation with him, made him feel special for those two hours as well.

He told me he is very happy and he had an amazing time, looking forward to meet me again and that he’s happy I met him and he spent a very nice evening with me.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Well I hope when he said "looking forward to meeting you again" that you were gracious enough to say "thank you, but I don't think we're a good fit. I wish you the best in your search though and hope you find what you're looking for in someone that can appreciate what you have to offer"

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I couldn’t tell that, because he sounded really excited…

I told him, “Thank you, I had a great evening as well, but I am not sure about the future meeting, because I plan moving out from this city soon.”

[BoopBoopBeep]

No you gave a bullshit reason. It has nothing to do with you moving because if you were there until the stars burnt out you're still not attracted to him. Next time don't be a pussy and qualify your speech with utter falsehoods. It's unbecoming of a lady, it's dishonest, and it shows a general lack of fortitude. Also there's no "I'm not sure" about jack shit. You've made yourself really clear here.

Again, and this time take notes: "thank you, but I don't think we're a good fit. I wish you the best in your search though and hope you find what you're looking for in someone that can appreciate what you have to offer"

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I said the truth, I am planning to move out of the city. So I said the truth.

Without telling him that I think he’s the most unattractive man I’ve dated. How is that unbecoming?

Would it be better if I made him feel worthless?

[BoopBoopBeep]

I've already answered that, not you're just being argumentative. Also unbecoming.

"thank you, but I don't think we're a good fit. I wish you the best in your search though and hope you find what you're looking for in someone that can appreciate what you have to offer"

What you SAID is called an unneeded qualifier. What YOU DID is give him false hope that if your life situation changes (example, you're no longer moving) that he has a change. He does not.

I'm sure he doesn't define his worth on whether or not you want to go on a second date with him. He'd likely have more self-worth with a legitimate answer from you because he at a minimum warranted that.

Neither you nor I have any interest in the other one, but that didn't shatter your ego. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not that fragile.

[spartan55]

"I'm not being cocky, just saying the truth"
According to you anyway. Your lack of humility and self awareness is next level.

[spartan55]

@BoopBoopBeep
She is a piece of work isn't she?

[BoopBoopBeep]

@spartan55 Can't make this stuff up. Bourbon and ice by noon kinda day.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am, at least, being honest, gentlemen. I could state this question differently, I could also be less honest about my thoughts, to make myself look nicer. That’s how lying is encouraged - by judging someone who speaks her honest thoughts, in a place where she’s not hurting anyone. You’ll not see a single answer of mine, on this website, where I judge someone. I don’t do that in real life either. I know some of my questions sound very unpleasant, but I am not here to lie, please or impress anyone… Welcome to unfiltered female mind. I am sorry, if this somehow hurts your perfect image of what a woman should be like. I’ve got a lot of female friends and almost every single one of them have had a situation like what I described in this question. And we have talked about this in the same way I talked about it in my question.

We all have standards and there’s someone for all of us that we absolutely wouldn’t date. I am sure, you do have some standards as well.

I am not saying I am a good person, have never claimed that.

But I speak my thoughts, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.

[BoopBoopBeep]

You're being honest now. You're being creatively honest with him. See my earlier response about qualifiers. The no shit HONEST answer would have simply been "thank you, but I don't think we're a good fit. I wish you the best in your search though and hope you find what you're looking for in someone that can appreciate what you have to offer" or something to that effect. If you dont' actually care if he finds anyone, leave the last part off, but HONESTLY I don't think we're a good fit, PERIOD would have been the honest answer. "I woullllddddd... but I'm moving soon" isn't too far from what you said.

You wrote: "I know some of my questions sound very unpleasant, but I am not here to lie, please or impress anyone… Welcome to unfiltered female mind"

What you did was absolutely filtering it under the guise of your moving. Qualifiers are filters. You're not as edgy and blunt as you think.

As far as standards go, preach it sister, and ain't nothing wrong with having or holding onto them, so I'ma just skip over that part.

I DO disagree with you on the "as long as it doesn't hurt anyone" because I'd argue the unfiltered truth would have been less hurtful than letting him believe it's for some reason it isn't.

I've never told anyone who had an unfavorable BMI-to-IQ ratio (in either direction) something like "I'd love to, but hours are really crazy at work right now..."

As we say in the military, be brief, be direct, be gone.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I just read your reply. To defend myself I’ll say that I found him more unattractive than 99% of men, of course I wouldn’t just say goodbye right away because if his looks not being that attractive, ut’s just I couldn’t see myself being attracted to him… He was shorter than me and I am just 160 cm, he was chubby, clumsy, took 1 hour to find his car and apologized every minute because we got lost finding his car. He could be all this and be a bit manly, but I was manlier than him. His personality didn’t attract me either, I like to feel that I have a man by my side, I don’t like to have a clumsy person.

He was a nice person, I didn’t want to tell him I found him unattractive, if that’s what you mean by being honest…

I’d much rather he think that I liked his personality and that he is a person worthy of liking, it’s just I had to move away soon (which is true).

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He also had smaller hands than me and I have the hands size of 11 year old.

[dynamicyandere]

Oof. That doesn’t sound fun. Must have been awkward.


Next time, I’d suggest trying to assess people better before meeting. 🥂


Have the dinner, participate in polite small talk, don’t drag it out, offer to split the bill, afterwards you can say that you appreciate them coming out to meet you but you just want to be ‘friends’. 🙃


Basically, don’t lead them on—but also don’t be rude either.


In my opinion, that would be the best way to minimize drama and keep a good reputation.

[dynamicyandere]

Saying you just want to be friends, as in politely friend-zoning them. Of course if you’re dating abroad, you’d need to communicate that in their version—however friend-zoning is done there, haha.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you 🤍 You always give a great advice.

[dynamicyandere]

You’re welcome, as always. I’m glad you find my advice helpful. 🤍

[Billlewis]

I once had a woman do that. It was a blind date, we had met through the personals -- this was before the Internet, etc. As soon as she saw me, her expression was one of disappointment, and although she didn't say anything, I knew it wasn't happening, so I just asked her where she lived and drove her home.

[spartan55]

What? You said you were going to tell him you weren't interested. You knew this dude was a creep so you made your own mess.

[Gent207-2]

Be polite but be firm at the end of your date
Good luck

[Shy_Steve]

Sadly it's just one of those things you just have to put up with in life, It's odviously going to be Awkward and Uncomfortable so you can only try to to be polite to him and avoid it Happening again in the future.

[Vikkrram]

Why don't you say that you don't see him as a potential partner

[PointTaken]

Just do the best to enjoy yourself. He went out of his way to see you. Even if there's no second date, he tried.

[justabuddy]

He drove from another city. At least have dinner with him. The more you get to know a person, the more their physical looks can even change. Give the guy a chance.

[msc545]

You can stand anything until Tuesday.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What happens on Tuesday?

I was so disappointed really…

I mean, everyone was looking at us, probably they thought what I was doing next to him…

I asked advice to my brother, he messaged me to be nice and don’t let him feel that I disliked him so much, because he’s a nice person.

So, I decided to do exactly that and just give him a memorable dinner with me.

We talked pretty nicely, I never once looked at the phone during the dinner, and he liked talking to me and asked me out on a 2nd date as well and even told me he wants to invite me to meet his mom 🤣

I now feel bad I acted that nice, because I would just not be able to love him…

He’s just not my type, not only not my type, but also the total opposite of my type.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

There’s certainly not a 2nd date, but he was so excited, I couldn’t tell that.

[msc545]

I'm glad to learn you at least had a decent time even if he was not your type. Not everyone can be, and you seem to have very high standards in regard to appearance, so not many men will be your type. The real danger in this is if you fall for someone solely based on their looks and they turn out to be a jerk or worse.

[msc545]

On Tuesday the world is renewed.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

You don’t understand… He was nowhere near anything that I find attractive. Not only me, but even girls who are not as “shallow” wouldn’t find him attractive I think…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am not having incredibly high standards and I can compromise on some things, but I should at least somehow be attracted, right?

[msc545]

I understand - this has happened to me with women I was initially interested in - until I saw them in person and was disappointed. So yes, there needs to be some attraction.

[msc545]

Was he at least a nice guy and interesting to talk to?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He was a nice guy and I had a nice time talking with him, but couldn’t interest me that much.

Someone can be not so attractive but can have his way with words and can be charming and sexy because of his attitude, not him - though, he was a very nice guy but sadly not attractive in any sense.

At least, I feel content with myself that regardless of such discomfort in the beginning, I spent a nice him and gave him a memorable dinner and confidence.

[msc545]

So in the end, this was not terrible for you, right? You got a nice meal and an interesting conversation.

I've had a lot worse myself.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No, I had a nice time, I had an amazing dinner at a very fancy restaurant looking on top of the whole city. The meal was nice and a place was very nice.

I just didn’t feel good about that, knowing that I’d not meet him again. But he insisted he wanted us to go there, as it’s a well-known restaurant.

As soon as I saw him and realized I wouldn’t like him at all, I offered him we could just have a walk instead of going to a restaurant. Cause I didn’t see a point of a dinner since I didn’t like him that much.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

You made me curious, what can be a lot worse than this?

[BoopBoopBeep]

What can be a lot worse than having a free dinner at a nice restaurant with a person you're not attracted to? Getting gang raped on an Indian bus. Being detained in an Iranian prison. Watching your kids die of cancer. Scooping parts of your dead buddy off the side of the road and putting it in bags.

You said in a previous question: "I never considered myself conventionally pretty, however I always thought that I am quite charismatic." I'm not sure you know what that word means.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

@BoopBoopBeep A lot worse - on a date…

Isn’t it the worst situation when you know from the beginning you’ll have to hurt someone that day?

[msc545]

I once had dinner with someone for the first time who spent most of the dinner on her cell phone talking to her friend in a language she thought I didn't understand - which I did. After I finished my dinner, I excused myself and walked out and got my car, and left her there. The next day she called me and asked when we could get together again. I told her I would get back to her. I hope she is not still waiting years later.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@lafemmefatale_1 Well @msc545 below has a good example.

No the worst situation is not when I know I'll hurt someone's feelings by saying I'm not interested in them because I'm not so stuck on myself that I assume that will be emotionally crippling for the other person. Plus when I track down a bad guy and take him off the board I'm pretty sure it hurts his family's feelings a lot more. That's life. Feelings get hurt. Life goes on.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Well, she deserved I think…

Even though I was not even slightly attracted to this guy, I didn’t make him feel bad and during the two hour dinner, I had my phone in a bag and have only looked in my phone once, in the bathroom.

That’s a matter of politeness. Was it a blind date or how did you get interested in someone without the common courtesy?

[msc545]

It was a blind date... first and last one of those!

[Bklynbadboy12]

You could if you want or you can tell him in a nice way you not interested