"You'rea great guy, but..." What am I doing wrong?

[Anonymous]

I've been hearing this a lot from women that I showed interest in for the past 2 years. It always starts out with, "you're a great guy", then say the reason why they don't want to go out with me. I've been told by many women that I'm attractive, and a great catch, but yet I'm getting rejected left, and right. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

Sorry about the rant, I'm just frustrated and confused as to why my advances are rejected.

[Truthatanycost]

Regardless of what the women say, your issue is likely that you make advances, ask them out, or try to get something going, before you've built enough / any attraction. If you build attraction, all of those excuses go out the window because it's emotional, not logical. A lot of guys don't understand this because they are attracted mostly / initially / merely through how a woman looks, but for the most part attraction that goes the other way needs to be 'created' by the man. This is often what is meant when she says 'I didn't feel a spark'. She also has little awareness of the fact that most sparks she ever felt were created by him...

[Asker]

So I shouldn't listen to women when I need advice about getting with a woman I'm interested in? I'm confused. If that's not what you're saying I apologize. Also I don't really believe in sparks. The way I've seen it, that "spark" is more of liking the idea of someone, or being infatuated by them.

[Truthatanycost]

As cliche as it may be... never ask a fish how to catch a fish. It makes more sense to ask the men that attract women for advice. Although I no longer approach or date, I still understand what goes on. Yes the spark is often infatuation but in this culture, that's what most women judge a connection on.

[Asker]

First of all, that sounds a little misogynistic, as over used of a term as that sounds. Women of all backgrounds, except for some outliers, say that. It like comparing men to dogs.

Second, I feel like that sounds manipulative. Like you have to put on a facade to make a woman interested in the idea of you, instead of being yourself, and potentially sparing both of you from an unfulfilling relationship. That's how my Dad got with my Mom. Then when they had me, and she said, "you've changed. You were never like this before." Then they got a divorce, and now she's more cautious in dating. Not looking for sparks, but for a slow and genuine connection. People are just sold the idea that you need to feel instant infatuation, or else it's not worth pursuing. You're not going to know if you want to be with someone right after the first date. Connection takes time, and if you, or the other person feels something INSTANLY, then they have some attachment issues, or childhood issues that haven't been addressed by a therapist. You say most women like every woman is the same, like robots off the factory line. It is true that some people with no emotional intelligence, or dating experience will judge a connection off of infatuation, cause they don't have a good sense of what's best for them. Even people in their 30s and above can still be idiots about that thing.

On a final note, I've had women become interested in me because of a few things.
1. I would been their for them through tough times when no one else would
2. I never tried to hit on them
3. They later started having feelings after being friends for a good amount of time

This is just my experience though

[Asker]

*don't like men saying that

[Truthatanycost]

The phrase has nothing to do with misogyny, it is simple logic. You said 'you have to put on a facade to make a woman interested in the idea of you, instead of being yourself, and potentially sparing both of you from an unfulfilling relationship. '

No. Attraction simply works differently between men and women and there is o getting away from this fact. But there will be a big difference between trying to get into a relationship with a woman or God Vs a woman that has the Jezebel spirit. Thus you do not have to put a facade on, but if you try to be with the wrong type of woman, then she will see your good traits as worthless. The issue is, far too many men are either trying to have relationships or get with damaged women / jezebel spirits, or don't know how to spot them.

Jezebel spirits judge a man on the infatuation / spark...

You said 'You say most women like every woman is the same..'

Then I would have said all women... not 'most'. Most of the collective have been brainwashed (including men). Therefore 'most' women you meet will be this way.

[Asker]

I feel like the wording gets misconstrued. It would've been better to say, "some women", implying that "most" women don't think the exact same way. Like how men say most women are trash, when really it's the women that they pursued.
Also, where did Jezebel spirits come from? I've never heard that term used in the dating world. Jezebel's are described as liking control, and being dominat, at least from what I read. They don't reference women specifically.

With the facade thing, how do you then explain women who complain about the asshats that they've dated, saying they were nice at first, but then when they started getting comfortable, they showed they're real self? I've heard this story all too much, including from men also.

Ok, I'm done typing. Let's just agree to disagree.

[Anonymous]

The fatal flaw is you're asking the wrong women out plain and simple. Just because a woman shows interest does not make her interested. Many women do this simply for sport. a lot of them don't want to date any guy. And if they do only the really challenging ones, and only till they bore of him.

I simply let women ask me out. It's never a question when they do the asking. I'm not saying you need to do that though.

Let me ask you this, how quickly or how long are you waiting to ask these women out?

[Asker]

So if you're waiting for a woman to show interest in you, even though you just said it doesn't mean they're interested, doesn't that make your whole argument fall apart, or am I missing something?

I usually wait until around a few weeks to a month at most to ask them out, if we we just strangers at first. If we were friends before there were feelings. I usually have a discussion with them a maybe few days after I realize I liked them, or vice versa.

[Opinion Owner]

No sir. My argument doesn't fall apart because I don't WAIT on any woman. I accept whatever they give me. And let me be clear. I DON'T get a lot of women asking me out. But I've yet to be rejected by the ones who do. You get what I'm saying?
OK you're giving them plenty of time to get to know you then I think. It sounds to me like you just keep having the bad luck of asking out energy stealers. There are a lot of women anymore that just love the hunt. The like flirting with men in general. They live for this interaction. But they don't want to date you. I once had a girl do this to me. I asked her out, she rejected me then she spent the next two years trying to get me bite on the hook again. Now how toxic is that? Anytime I said anything I said to her she would try to twist into I was making an advancement on her. Even though by this point I'd moved on. So I stopped interacting with her because by this point I'd concluded that she was just daffy. And then she started talking to others about me and semi-stalking me. Now this is rare. Most of these women ate not going to do this. But it highlights how damaged they are. This woman didn't want anything to do with me. But she wasn't used to a guy of my quality taking interest in her. And she desperately wanted my attention back. But she would have just rejected me again. I'm glad I met this woman though. Because her shenanigans taught me how toxic some of these women out there are.

[jennifer_bloom]

I believe that there are two factors in finding a long term connection

1 - You have to find somebody that doesn’t care about Hollywood traits like certain muscles or cars or status symbols or somebody who appreciates a normal guy that loves and respects her

2 - You have to personalize things with a woman willing to engage you

3 - You have to make this about conclusions and not about experiences, if a girl things this is a date and not a marriage seeking interaction, she might waste your time to get temporary interest and acts of goodness from you

[Anonymous]

What did they say after "but"? I don't think nothing is wrong with you, it's probably because they're looking for something else. Everyone has different preferences.

[Asker]

Here are some that I've heard after "but"

- I'm not emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship
- I'm not looking for anything serious
- I want to focus on my career, and don't want any distractions
- I'm not interested
- You're not my type
- I'm only looking for something casual
- I'm not looking for commitment
- You're too nice
- I've just gone through a divorce

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for responding! Based on your answer, I think it's clear that you're not the problem at all ❤️ it's just that they weren't ready to commit, have different preferences and simply not looking for love. You'll find someone in the future who is ready and likes you just the way you are, keep your head up!

[Chthou95]

Women aren't going to be honest with you. They're gonna be politically correct and give you a sweet excuse. You're probably a good dude but are you physically attractive to women? Do you work out, do you have a job and taking care of your financial stability, are your social skills good, do you have your own place and car? These things do matter and women may say they don't, but remember to pay attention to their actions because it always tells a different story

[Asker]

1. People say I look like leon Kennedy's brother if he had a brother.
2. I work out 3 times a week right now. I want to do 4, but my job can be physically demanding.
3. I have a job, and take care of bills, and what not.
4. I do not have a car.
5. People say I'm a great person to spend time with, and easy to talk to, so social skills are good there.
6. There are some people that DO want a relationship, but they need to want to put in the work to get to that point, or work on themselves so they can find a loving partner. It's like wanting 6 pack abs, and a nice ass. People want those things, but aren't willing to put themselves in uncomfortable situations to get to that point. People are more complex than you think. It's not usually just a black and white thing.
I've known plenty of guys that don't drive, but are with someone. Not everyone's the same.
I don't know why I need to justify myself to someone online, no offense.

[Chthou95]

In the general sense. Men especially good men need to have these things. Women will break the rules for some men but hold other men to higher standards. And those men won't be able to be like that for a long time. The women have a time clock that man needs to meet to get his shit together. Generalties are not a bad thing. They're a consistent pattern of society & human behaviour

[Asker]

Then maybe you shouldn't be with women that break their own set boundaries then? I don't know, maybe I just see people as people, with different backgrounds, personalities, and ways that they do things. I don't like putting people into boxes, as I feel like that's dehumanizing.

[Chthou95]

Its not dehumanizing. Nothing would ever be established if society just went based on individualism. A man who has his stuff together in general is going to be more successful than a man that does nothing. People preach about individualism but there's always a general rule to everything and its there because it works

[Anonymous]

You are giving a shit.
Treat women like they don’t exist. They lose interest the second you show them attention.
Their need to get attention and have men chase them makes them crave the assholes and the douchey guys… the ones who ignore them and treat them like they are below them.

They will say different but their actions speak for themselves.

[In_Trance]

Have you asked them why?
Seriously... I get it; they give you that blow off answer. It sucks.
Try calling one a week later and see if she will have the conversation with you. It might be tough to hear but at least you'll have an idea.