Love at first sight? Toxicity? Being a dumbass? Or something else? —Say you never wanted to date men/women who look/act a certain way or are into certain habits/hobbies that you’re pretty against. But then one day you come across this guy/girl who matches everything else you’re into.— When making an exception to the rule for this person, is that considered placing yourself in a potentially toxic relationship? Is it just gambling/taking a risk/hoping for the best? Is it simply turning a blind eye? If you’ve ever made an exception for someone, what was likely your reason behind it and did it backfire? #FeelFreeToList
I would guess it comes down to how few of us actually know what we really want. We can have all kinds of ideas about who we want our partners to be but at the same time we don't know what it takes to be that way or why anyone would.
It's the same way backwards, we have an idea about why we don't like people or could never be with someone who are or do certain things but meanwhile we don't know how those types of people work, we don't have wisdom and true insight into what it means really to do the things we dislike, we are biased.
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It is a mix of lack of discipline to be able to resist temptation that tests your boundaries and the knowledge of toxicity that comes with it. Yes, it backfires, it is just a matter of time.
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Lowering or making an exception to your standards can lead to compromising your own values on dating and relationships. I have done it and gotten burned a couple of times. I won't go into details but my suggestion to people... have some discipline when it comes to your standards. You'll be better off in the long run.
I personally think it’s loving someone before you actually like them and I feel like a lot of people do that. We put an expectation that we want to date this person so no matter what they do (even if it’s below our standards) we just except it. Feel like it has a lot to do with social media connections because a lot of people feel like they know someone just because of social media connection
I have had a 10 year rule for myself.
E. X. When I first started dating at 17. I had a 19 year old girlfriend and a 14 year old girlfriend. None lasted longer than 6 months.
After my first 2 gfs I got more of an idea of what I was doing and looking for. I have never been to picky. The most important things that I started looking for and still is. Honesty and Acceptance. Everything else is negotiable.
My 10 year rule came after my late wife passed away when I was 30. I found that dating was crazy and there was a few 18 year olds that came on to me and made me feel like a dirty old man. Yes I know that they are legally allowed to date anyone older than them and looked down upon for dating younger.
I feel like a dirty old man mainly because of how I was raised. I am a gen X kid. I was raised by my parents who were brought up the old ways. So I was at the end of my childhood before 2000. So I have learned some new ways and ideas.
I was working at Walmart when I was 33 as an overnight grocery stocker. Being the only guy at the time that was working that shift I was assigned 3 isles that were the heaviest. Soda, juice, and water plus downstacking the new freight with the other grocery stockers. I began working at Walmart a 250 lb weakling and left 2 years later a 200 lb in great shape.
I met a lot of different people working there and dated a few. Ladies that I bent my rules for but there was one I was willing to break my 10 year rule for.
She was a beautiful young lady at 18-19. Her cousin and cousin in law worked the shift before mine and got off at midnight. The first night I met her I was angry and had a bad migraine. I was running through my freight because I had around 15,000 lbs to work. Each pallet of water we would get was 2,500 lbs each and the section was packed with them. I read a lot of labels because I am colorblind and have had the habit ever since I learned that it was easier than going by what I think the color is. It's also made me pay attention to what is on the rest of the label and every pallet has a printed shipping weight.
Any way. I am throwing freight and I hear some one behind me say excuse me. I flipped around and apologized that I didn't know she was there and I asked if there was anything I could help her with. She said that she was waiting for her cousin to get off. We made some small talk and her cousin came out and she left.
This started happening more often. I spoke to her cousin and found out that she was 18. I was a little bit upset because of my rules. How ever she kept coming in and we kept talking. The more I got to know her the more I liked her. One night she came in all made up. I see her and say "Wow you got all dressed up to come get your cousin from work and chat with me?" She said that it was her birthday 🎂. I wish her happy birthday and say I remember what it was like when I was 17. She corrected me and said that she just turned 19.
A few weeks later and I see her at a mall in a nearby state. I seen her but tried to play it down as I was with my cousin who was the same age. I didn't want him thinking that I was a dirty old man. We chatted a bit and went our separate ways. My cousin asked me after we got in my truck. Why don't you go out with her? I explained how I felt about the whole thing.
Every time I seen her I could be having the worst day of my life and just seeing her would turn it around instantly. Needless to say I was too chicken to ask her out and I lost the chance like everyone else. I asked her cousin why she had not been around. She said that her cousin committed suicide because no one liked her. I literally started tearing up when she told me. I guess that her cousin never mentioned when I asked about her. Being 13 years older than her I can only think that her cousin was trying to protect her from a strange person.
There is my life's experience with having rules about dating. I hope that all of you had better experiences.Having a strong rush of brain chemicals is very similar to being on drugs. It can severely impair your judgment. You are not seeing clearly what everybody else can as plain as day.
However there is a difference between understandable vs. acceptable. It’s understandable you made a stupid decision. But it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.
The problem I see and (no offense) is women make a stupid dating decision (e. g. fall in love with an abusive asshole) but they don’t want to take accountability for their decisions.
It can be understandable they weren’t thinking clearly. However I just don’t see enough women saying “the red flags where there but I made a stupid decision to continue on. I could of left but I didn’t. He hurt me but it was my fault for engaging in that.”
But instead their egos can’t handle that they were wrong so they play victim instead. It’s understandable they weren’t thinking clearly but again that doesn’t change the reality that their bad decision was avoidable.
To be fair some men can be this was too. It’s more common when a guy gets exploited in the friendzone (and that’s much trickier). But modern society literally gives hetero men zero leeway/sympathy to play victim in dating scenarios. We are supposed to “get it” and “man up” in those situations. If we look for shoulders to cry on we get labeled pathetic.
If I make exceptions I may just be settling out of the fear of staying lonely or because I am in fact feeling lonely. When we master being comfortable with being lonely, we never need to worry about settling for things that aren’t for us.
As women I think as we get older we tend to start settling because those of us who want women are worried about our biological clock. Although healthy women can have healthy children well into their forties, if I had children, I’d ideally like to have them by 35. I know it’s not possible for everyone and that puts a time limit on how soon we need to find a partner to mate with.
I know that time works great changes and life has taught me in the last 25 years that I should never say never but the idea of changing nappies and doing sleepless nights at 42 or running around after a four-year-old at 46 doesn’t appeal to me. Neither does dealing with a stroppy teenager in my late 50s.
Being older and wiser than I was at 16 and having seen the consequences of women making bad decisions about whom they have children with, I can say I am wise enough now to understand that having no child ever is probably better than having a child with someone who would not make a good father.
So yes, in the past whenever I have compromised on my taste, it was out of pure stupidity in that moment. Sometimes it was attraction/lust at first sight. That attraction then led to attachment which les to several months and even years wasted with the wrong people. If I were more sensible about it then I could have avoided certain experiences I’ve had. But hey, I don’t regret them at all - they all taught me something that makes me who I am today and they make for interesting stories to tell.
Well maybe this story is out of this topic but I want to talk about this big emotion i felt when i was 16 I have to say it's not a happy story...
The first time I fell in love was magical, I think that until this day I have not felt something so strong in my life. Today I am more realistic about how I acted and how I felt. I saw everything as if it was a fairy tale story, but the reality was crueler, my love became more and more obsessive. I got to a point where my vision of her was sick, she was not only pretty but she was the best in sports and grades. She even won several state debate contests. I was also a boy with very good grades, one of the best, but I was shy and I wasn't very attractive at the time either. I think you can see where this story is going... I reached a point where that obsession made me feel brutally inferior, I tried hard but I couldn't become the same as her and I got frustrated, I felt like I wasn't at he's height. I cried almost daily. It is a stage of my life which I am very ashamed of. This is a very big summary but well... at the end I couldn't take it anymore, I had suffered a lot (and not because of her but because of my own mind) and in the end I tried to maintain less and less relationship, we talked every night to speak once a week and then never. I blocked her in everything and it was the best choice of my life. It was very difficult for me to recover my love life after that, but luckily university arrived and I was able to experience new things and in the end this has remained a black stain in my life.
To this day I feel that "love at first sight" can lead to obsessive behaviors or maybe it is that I was not mature enough to be able to go through it naturally, and that is why I do not like the expression. of "love at first sight".What a text lol, sorry for the length and also sorry for my English, i know its not as good as it should... thanks for reading!
I know what you mean and I think that the thing is that if someone has that negative trait that often the circumstances are different, eg. a guy can be bad at texting cause he is using you for attention or is talking to many women, but some other guy may be the guy that is really great and you know it but is shy or insecure or whatever and that is making him be bad at texting, so you think bad communication is a no no but you give this other guy a chance cause you know its not simple as the first case. Then also noone is perfect and we all have flaws, but I cannot answer will it work out with the other guy.
Yes, my last girlfriend. Personalities clashed a little, and then we weren’t a perfect match in bed…. but we make compromises right, no one is perfect. Everything else about her was great. But as things went on, those 2 things were amplified, it became toxic when she started insulting me and all I saw was negative. Didn’t last much longer after that!
I can provide a perspective on this. Making an exception to one's dating standards can be considered as taking a risk or gambling for a potential relationship. It is not necessarily toxic, but it depends on the reason behind the exception and the actions of the person being pursued. People may make exceptions for various reasons such as attraction, curiosity, or interest. It may backfire if the person turns out to have traits or habits that are deal breakers or incompatible with the individual's values and beliefs. It is important for people to be mindful and reflective of their dating standards and the potential consequences of making exceptions.
Yeah but I mean you're set rules are your set rules I don't like to date girls with big fat mouth because I don't want to hear it LOL and I don't want to hear them put somebody else down because they think they're better that's a rule for me but in any relationship there's give and take type thing I mean let's say I found the most beautiful girl on the inside I've really liked her but she farted in bed and it almost made me throw up I mean that should be a rule you can't do that LOL but would I let it slide sure any other girl sure if it was somebody that I like I mean I'm not going to play favorites with anybody I don't have favorites I have one person when I have that person and that's it but I kind of hear what you're saying
We make exceptions because we magically think we can fix or get what we want from that person.
I’ll bring up my ex again because although he was a complete faq up, he taught me a lot of life lessons and mistakes for sure I won’t repeat.long story short, I knew he was a faq up before we dated. But I had a crush on him from when I was 12. Since he was 6 years my senior, that was an obvious Nono. SO when the opportunity came presenting itself again later in life, I jumped at the chance. Knowing Damnn well he wasn’t my type later in life, had no ambitions or aspirations, I still played along thinking “I’m gonna be the one to finally change him” 🙄
what can I say girl, I love toxic sometimes 😆I only think that matters when you violate your bottom line. Like say you only pursue monogamous relationships, then get into a situationship, or polyamorous relationship not because you want to, but are settling for that for someone else.
Getting a job that pays a lot, but know you're doing things against your morals, losing your life, health, so on and so forth.
If it's a small trade, like I need to drive further to see him/her, they want me to spend less time on my phone, whatever it is and have been clear about that since the beginning it seems reasonable. Especially if that isn't your bread and butter, or a hard limit for you.
Also people do change over time unless they're complete psychos.
Are "standards" mere preferences, or based in the fundamentals of what you feel you need in a person? Their basic personality? Are these things outside of the standards simply unexpected, or nearly unacceptable? Absolutely don't get with somebody you have an urge to change from the get-go. You have no good reason to try and make that work. You likely haven't even established if they are willing to change. Why should they when there are people who will like them as they are? If there's fear with expressing a dislike in the first place, there's no hope.
What's the point of your having rules if you are going to ignore them? When you make these rules you most likely know what you want in a person and should not be swayed when any of your rules - aka: Preferences - are compromised. If you do then you will be calling yourself a dumb ass when things go south and you will be thinking. . .
- u
In general, it's none of the above. It means that you've met someone that you connect with and cherish, but they don't fit the mold of what you'd believed your ideal partner would be. It could be that one or more of the criteria you'd had weren't as big of a deal or that you hadn't thought about them until you'd met someone who didn't meet it. There are many reasons why you might make an "exception".
Everybody makes exceptions I'd say and doesn't think twice. It is all very well to have standards but how many are going to qualify? Close enough becomes good enough.
It is all very well for me to have a standard for girls to be 1. slender 2. have a narrow tight waist 3. minimum of D cup breasts. I gonna have to ditch the D+ breasts req.
Exceptions are for those who hit different for sure. As long as it's not for reasons of looks I think it's a good thing. Also fair to assume everyone's gonna have their exceptions who come through. I think those who wouldn't let "exceptions" in are less of my type ironically.
You can have standards but those standards don't have to be iron clad either. After all most people are not going to fit into the neat little box of standards that you've made for yourself and adhere to each and every single one of them. As long as they aren't breaking a big one that would actually be a major issue in the relationship then I don't think it's necessarily a huge deal.
Every one has standards. And part of agreeing to be with someone is learning to compromise. So it's not turning a blind eye, it's choosing that one thing that you can overlook. And yet if it was another trait that you can't ignore, you won't let your standards be compromised.
Well, love is a gamble, so many people do make an exception.
God that was a corny line. 😂
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