How to tell a difference between manipulative and lacking confidence/ shy?

[Anonymous]

There is a guy I have been seeing for a while. Sometimes I wonder if he's shy or tries to manipulate me. For example, we were walking from a concert and he said:

Now you know how to get here. Next time you come here with someone, you will know how to get in and all that.

It's like either he is manipulating me into saying that I want to come back there with him, is shy to say he's interested in coming there with me again or perhaps he's not interested.

Other times he will ask me to go out but when the day we agreed on is coming up, he won't say anything. When I ask him again, he acts very excited to go out.

How does this sound?

[HollyK21]

I think you need to ask what his intentions are for talking to you. I mean sure we could speculate what the underlying meaning of his actions are, but what are the assumptions worth if no matter what you will still feel confused? Doesn’t matter what we say, you’re the one dealing with him directly, and I’m sure something else will happen to make you feel uncertain yet again. At least if you know where he stands, you can make your decisions with actual knowledge from the source.

[Asker]

He told me he wants to spend time with me and be there for me. I am assuming he's interested in being in my life?

[HollyK21]

I’m not quite sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound like a relationship. What do you want? Are you fine with that arrangement and prefer the casualty vs commitment?

[Asker]

I would prefer commitment. Should I ask him to clarify what he wants?

[HollyK21]

I definitely think you should, and make sure you are both is very clear. If he gives you some sort of “go with the flow” or “I’m not quite ready” sort of response then I genuinely think you should end things. That would be a man who’s uninterested in committing and would rather string you along, which is not ok.

[Asker]

I know at one point he said something along the lines of he can be there for me until I find someone better. I haven’t responded to that yet. I don’t like how this spends because it would mean we both be seeing other people at the same time and hooking up. I don’t like that at all.

[HollyK21]

Yeah, that’s not my thing either and never was. One of my boundaries has always been that if I’m going to invest my time in a guy, then it’s because we both eventually want a relationship and we are working towards that. From what you’re saying about this man, he’s basically looking for “company”, and probably assumes you’re ok with that too since you haven’t said otherwise. So if you know I’m your heart that you don’t want casual sex, and that’s all he’s offering, then he just isn’t the right man for you.

[Asker]

I agree with everything you said.

[HollyK21]

Whoops, I meant to say in your heart lol but here’s hoping it’s a productive conversation, feel free to come back to this comment or dm me if you need to💛

[Asker]

Thank you!

[BasedBaeBecca]

It can be hard to tell the difference between manipulation and lack of confidence, and it could be a mixture of both in this case. If the person seems excited to go out with you, it's possible that they're just not very assertive or comfortable with directly asking to hang out. However, if they're constantly trying to make you feel guilty or pressuring you to do things, it could be a sign of manipulation. Either way, communication and honesty are key to any relationship, so it's important to express your feelings and expectations clearly and ask for clarity in return.

[ProbablyClueless]

This is something I noticed in dealing with my father. Let's suppose he got out two plates for dinner:

Manipulative:

Me: Dad, is this plate for me?

Dad: If you want it...

Lacking confidence:

Me: Dad, is this plate for me?

Dad: Yeah, is that the size you wanted?

Do you see the difference? One isn't answering the question and is putting the responsibility on me, while the other is answering the question, but assuming that something is wrong.

[MzAsh]

Nothing in what you said raises any red flags. Sounds like he may be a bit passive in regards to texting.

[boggboss]

Sounds shy and insecure