There is a phase in dating advice that says "If they wanted to they would" I here it more commonly phrased as. "If he wanted to he would" towards women asking about a man. It comes from the idea of if someone truly loved you they would show it outwardly and expressively rather than hiding away and playing games. A lot of people would also say this about men because they typically have a go getter attitude. Therefore they would have this approach towards anything they want, including relationships.
This mindset is supposed to be a remedy for overthinking and obsession. people will often become obsessed with the emotionally unavailable. they delude themselves into thinking they are unravelling a mystery by analyzing there "crushes" every move. Reminding yourself, that "if they wanted to they would" is a simple response to those unhealthy fantasies, instead of lying to yourself and pretending someone is secretly in love with you.
however others think "If they wanted to they would" is a condescending phrase. There could be more nuances to the situation, like social anxiety or being preoccupied. But even then, doesn't that mean there is still a part of him that doesn't want to.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
There could be more nuances to the situation, like social anxiety or being preoccupied. You're right. But I don't care. The "why" rarely matters, the outcome is the same.
If you keep standing me up because you don't like me, i'm not asking you out again
If you keep standing me up because you have crippling social anxiety, i'm not asking you out again.
If you can't ever keep plans with me because you're preoccupied, I'm not asking you out again.
Nobody is unique. There's nearly 8 billion people in the world. If you don't have time for me then someone else will, but I won't keep wasting time on you hoping it will change. I don't actually even care what the why is in the situation. You missed dinner because you had a family member hospitalized, sure, that sucks, hope they recover, but it's on you to make the next plans because I only make an offer once.
I think your analysis on the reason for why this phrase has become popular is correct. In addition, some women use it to have abdicate any responsibility they have contributed to a given situation where a man has stood them up.
But something about it really bothers me. It feels reductive and lacking in nuance. It also feels like a veiled accusation of sorts. But it's tough for me to articulate precisely why
I don't really find it to be accusatory, the phrase sounds very neutral to me. But I do admit that toxic behavior from a person could be a reason why there partner isn't available for them anymore.
Hmm, maybe flip it around. Imagine you overhear your husband talking to a friend of his about how you are not very interested in sex. In reality, you are interested, but your husband is not seeing your needs, and your feeling disconnected. And then that friend tells your husband that if you wanted to you would. Wouldn't that feel accusatory?
Yeah, it is often a cover for toxic behavior from what I have seen.