Guy reached out to hold my hand & put his arm around my upper back on the street on second date. Was he trying to get in my pants?

[Anonymous]

I met a guy on a dating app and he had said he was looking for a woman with intention of being lifelong.

We'd had lengthy and good conversations over texts. Then we met for first date, which was very good. He said he wanted to see me again.

We went on second date at a restaurant. While we waited for food to be prepared, he reached across the table (which was very small anyway, about arm length) to hold my hand. It was a bold move. I felt his fingers were prying my hand open so he could hold it.

We had good conversations and continued talking after leaving the restaurant. We went to a park. At first he put his one arm around me at my upper back (around my lats). I was glad that he didn't put his arm around my waist or hip, but I didn't feel comfortable since I didn't know his intention, so I removed his hand and he switched to holding my hand.

Was he displaying signs of trying to get in my pants? Or are there guys who use physical contact to express liking for a woman?

When I go on dates I'm actively spotting for signs of a guy trying to get in my pants, but I could've misinterpreted - but could also be right. What do you think?

Thank you for your help.

Updates

8 mo

Okay, a little context: After first date, he had texted that I was amazing, thoughtful, caring, understanding, etc. Complimenting on my characters, but also said that I was cute (not sure whether he meant my face and/or personality).

Updates

8 mo

I noticed he got nervous when he held my hand for the first time, that his voice and expression changed. I would say voice was a little shaky. I asked him to tell me about his typical work day, and he seemed more comfortable as he talked more.

[Lliam]

Touch a way of showing interest in someone. A woman will often touch a man's arm or hand briefly as she laughs or converses with him in order to show she is not averse to physical contact. It's not the same as grabbing his thigh or crotch.

After a first date with one future girlfriend, I walked her to her door like a gentleman. She turned, looked up searchingly into my eyes, put her hands on top of my shoulders, rose up on her tip toes, and gave me a tender, lingering kiss. It wasn't an invitation to come inside and have sex. It was just a thank you for a wonderful evening and indicated her interest in seeing me again. It was a very ladylike gesture. It's what people usually do. What's the alternative? Shake hands?

My future wife did the same thing when I walked her to her car after our first date.
On our second date, which was to a concert, she slipped her little hand trustingly into mine on the way in.

I think holding hands is sweet. And it's very common for a man to put his hand lightly on a woman's upper back when walking and especially when allowing her to enter a door before him. It's kind of a polite, protective, not a possessive or aggressive, gesture.

So I think you getting way ahead of yourself if you think that a mere touch is an intent to get into your pants. It sounds like he was being very respectful and even kind of nervous and hesitant.

Although if he's dating you, he is no doubt hoping it turns into a relationship. And relationships usually progress to sex sooner or later once enough trust and affection is built. What that means is, he is dating you in the first place because he finds you attractive and hopes that a romantic relationship will develop once you are both ready. So sex is somewhere in the back of his mind. Why are you dating? Don't you think about sex?

[Asker]

That's good information. Insightful, and thank you.

I did not say that I do not want sex in a relationship. I'm saying that I do not sleep with a guy on a second date. I wanted to know if his intention could be sex only, opposed to a long-term relationship as he said. People can say they're looking for one thing but really want the other.

He has his arm around me while we were walking down the street. I did think it was a bit like he was claiming that I was his (I guess in a way, that wouldn't be wrong, since I was his date for the day.)

I think I just have too many rules and boundaries with dating. I'm just excessively guarding myself so I can filter out guys who are *only* looking for sex.

[Asker]

I did notice though he initiated a lot of physical contacts with me, and probably I was reading the signal wrong.

Besides holding hands, he would put his hand on one of my upper arms when he joked about certain things, and he did that about 2-3 times. For example at one point we were talking bugs since we were in a park. He walked his fingers up my arm as he said a bug which I disliked would be crawling up like so.

I think I was extra aware of his hand on my skin because I was wearing a sleeveless top, and even when he put his arm around me, he hand was on my lats directly. (I know, I should've be grateful that his hand was not on my waist or hip, or butt.)

Other times his hand/hands and mine were holding throughout the conversations, whether we were walking side by side or facing each other.

[Asker]

When he was holding my hand too close to the front of his thigh (s) I would think that he was trying to guide my hand somewhere else, and would bring my hand up or to the side. I could've been paranoid, but I've experienced a guy grabbing my hand to his crotch before, so I keep in the back of my mind that's a possible move a guy might do.

[Asker]

Another time he touched my upper arm quickly while complimenting my arms. I have been weight lifting for 10+ years and I do have some muscle definitions in my upper and lower body. That one I guess was okay, at least he wasn't touching my thigh.

[Asker]

I also have this rule about no kiss during dating (meaning I won't kiss a guy until he's in a relationship with me) and I did tell him that. Rationale is just in case the kiss gets too passionate and a guy would use that as an excuse to get to next "base."

I understand that not all guys would try to "get to next base," but I don't know who would and wouldn't, so I'm just eliminating that opportunity by eliminating kiss from the equation. Did I assume that if he and I kissed, he would try to get to next base? I might have, because of the physical contacts he's made and attempted to make.

[Avicenna]

Most likely it was testing waters to see how much physical contact you'd permit

[Asker]

In preparation for?

[Anonymous]

He’s a guy so I guarantee that somewhere in his brain, he’s thinking about sex with you. That being said, hand holding and putting his arm around you are pretty normal displays of affection, especially on a second date. I wouldn’t read too much into it. At this point, I think he’s just trying to express that he likes you.

[KrakenAttackin]

He was being masculine and gently assertive. This is a confident man.

[Asker]

He also touched my upper arm probably 2-3 times while teasing or joking. Well, or he attempted. I might've moved away since I didn't know his intention and didn't like how he kept making physical contacts.

I know it sounds like it's "just" my arm, but it was my upper arm, which was closer to areas such as neck, shoulder, etc.

[Anonymous]

If you have strict boundaries that you enforce then you don't need to worry about his intentions. Only if you don't have strict boundaries will you worry. Thus maybe you are worried about 'ending' up in bed with him...

[Asker]

I don't think what you said is true. I have my boundaries but I don't control where a guy puts his hands. I do not sleep with guys during dating phase, until a guy is my boyfriend, that's why I asked what his intentions could be, because if he was looking for sex only, then I would not further date him. I like other aspects of him in terms of personality, interests, career success.

[DextroShade]

If he's dating you he is trying to get in your pants! How much more obvious does he have to be?

[Asker]

Not every guy is only looking for sex. Some are actually looking for long-term relationships.

[DextroShade]

Long-term relationship require sex or he's just some pathetic chump in the friend-zone.

[Asker]

I'm talking about a guy who's only looking for sex or hookups vs. a guy who's looking for a long-term relationship. I thought my question was clear.

[Asker]

In addition, that was second date. I don't sleep with a guy on second date. I also was asking if this guy was ONLY looking for sex, then I would know to not date further.

[DextroShade]

You have it backwards: it is on you to keep a guy around after he has sex with you; if you aren't a virgin and you are making guys wait for arbitrarily long periods of time they will just conclude that you either aren't interested or aren't worth the continued investment so they will move on and you will remain alone.

[Asker]

Oh, so do you prefer to have a girlfriend who has slept with the guys she's gone on second dates with?

What kind of logic is that? Women need to sleep with guys before being in relationships for guys to want them? After a girl sleeps with a guy, he can just ghost her because he got what he wanted and she's not a girlfriend or wifey material.

I believe sex on first or second dates is the way to keep boys - not men. Men would respect women who do not sleep around and have sex with their partners.

[Asker]

And how is second date without sex "long periods of time"? That's if a guy does not have self control and needs his instant gratification met.

[Asker]

I believe men would appreciate a woman with integrity and respect for herself, while boys would appreciate a woman dropping her pants on first or second date.

[DextroShade]

That's fine so long as you have made EVERY guy wait but guys don't want to be the sucker who waits and pays for dates when Chad and Tyrone got to hit it the first night. Even then an arbitrary waiting period will cause guys with any amount of self-respect to leave.

[Asker]

Oh, so do you think second date is an "arbitrary" amount of wait time to have sex? Before people even get into a relationship? That's exactly my point - that's the kind of guy I want to avoid.

I'm looking for a long-term relationship, not a guy who needs an instant gratification met right away.

[Asker]

My question is whether this guy is ONLY looking for sex, not a long-term relationship, based on the physical contacts he had made on second date. He is not my boyfriend. I just met him twice!

I don't sleep with guys on second date, because then I would have to sleep with any guy that I've gone on second date with, and that's ridiculous. Some people go on second dates with multiple people, and if they had sex with all their second dates, they would've slept with 20+ people by the time they get married. I'm a woman with self respect.

[Iron_Man]

Don’t ever give it up and the man’s gotta show respect

[Asker]

I think not necessarily though. I find that not a lot of guys admire women with standards and self respect.

So far I've heard only one guy tell me that I gained his respect by keeping my standards and boundaries. He made a comment about going to his home, and I said I don't go to a guy's place until I'm in a relationship with a guy.

I think it's a matter of mental maturity.

[Iron_Man]

Obviously you’re looking in the wrong places for good guys

[Asker]

So where should I be looking?

[Asker]

One of my friends met her husband on dating app, and she said many of her other friends met their spouses on dating apps as well.

[Asker]

I don't go out so don't meet new people. I work out and work.

[Iron_Man]

Tried church or Christian Mingles

[Asker]

Um I don't think it's appropriate to go to church to look for a lifelong partner 🤔 Aren't people there to connect with their religion? Plus I'm not a Christian. I think that would be even more inappropriate 😅

[Iron_Man]

Yes, but eventually you’ll meet the right one and most churches have a lot of guys anyway compared to women, but I’m saying that’s your best opportunity

[Iron_Man]

Or like I said, you can try Christian mingles online

[Iron_Man]

Some people get lucky, and they find other people on social media sites like this that they can get married to

[Asker]

But I'm not a Christian 😄 I don't know if my potential partner would want me to convert. I don't mind the religion which my partner worships, or if he didn't believe in religions, but I don't know how my partner would think of me not being a Christian. I guess it depends on how religious a guy is?

[Iron_Man]

What is your religion?

[Asker]

My religion belief is a personal question about me, which is not related to my question on GaG 😄

[Iron_Man]

It’s good to be religious to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ

[Asker]

I respect Christianity but also respect non Christian religions.

[HaveNoName]

Why were you wearing your pants on your upper back?

[HateyouxD]

You think too much

[Asker]

Okay, and what do you think might've been his intention?

[msc545]

I think he likes you.