Why do you think people avoid reciprocating transparency with people they LIKE, even if it will (most likely) sabotage their chances of —anything?

Question

1. We’re not talking about someone who is uninterested bc a lot of people just don’t have the guts to directly say NO. It sucks, but Fair enough.

2. There are indeed a lot of people who get off on mutually playing mind games with each other so we’re not discussing them either.

We’re discussing scenario # 3. Two people LIKE each other but one is being direct and the other refuses. Won’t or can’t, I don't know.

I think with most people without being a genius or even particularly clever, you can very easily infer that when a person is being open & honest & direct, they don’t want to play games & doing so will most likely turn them off towards the other person…

SO I have difficulty understanding in this instance, what the ‘other person’ finds advantageous about being secretive, and why they may insist on it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I see it _alot_ in other pol as well I’ve experienced it first hand. I’ve never found any explanations after the fact - when they were offered- to really make sense, and they seemed more of an attempt at damage control than “ coming clean”

so I’m wondering if there’s some kind of unconscious work at play..

Assuming they are not jerks, Perhaps these people are simply not good at acting deliberately so even little things seem burdensome and they are reluctant to respond even if doing so could be beneficial, I don't know?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Not sure what to say this is all pretty abstract though having details is rarely that helpful because people tell one side of a story and they define how you will perceive events.

Presumably this cannot be explained simply by different levels of openess, some people wear their heart on their sleeve and others give nothing away.

I suppose it could be bet hedging. If you haven't clearly found 'the one' then perhaps you are open to just having any sort of relationship if you find someone that you do like but aren't so sure about that you want to marry them and have babies a house and an animal of some kind?

A lot of people out there are in 'situationships', some people are even marrying their situationship partner for reasons like 'sharing costs means they have a better quality of life even if it isn't what they hoped they're life might be.

Another possibility is that it is themselves that they are actually lying to you and they are being truthful with you in the moment.

Or there is the catch all;

'The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.'

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

So here is the deal, we have saying at work... there is no accountability without transparency.

Information is power. I had an ex-girlfriend tell me that once. That everything I tell you is something you could use against me later. That people have a way of turning the things you share with them back at you. Which at the time, didn't sound right to me but I dismissed it as a causal comment.

All find and good until she told me a story about how she would go running with a guy from work every day, after work. They would jog together on hiking trails in the woods. She said it really pissed her boyfriend off that she would do this, but that was only because he was controlling, processive, jealous guy.

Two weeks later she is going out to dinner with a guy she just met the day before, as "Friends". When I told her I am not happy about this, she called me a jealous, processive guy, who is trying to control her.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I knew right way, and she would have been better off not sharing her first story with me about her ex-boyfriend.

gkhan · Answer

It's a thought-provoking question, and I can relate to having been in such a situation myself. Sometimes, relationships can go from getting engaged to breaking up for a variety of reasons, and it's important to recognize that we're all human with our own flaws.

In my personal experience, after spending a year in this kind of situation, I've identified several factors that can contribute to such outcomes:

1. Nervousness: Sometimes, anxiety or nervousness about the commitment can create issues.

2. Lack of communication skills: Inadequate communication can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

3. Negative advice and influence from others: External opinions can impact decisions negatively.

4. Past bad experiences: Past traumas or relationship issues can affect current decisions.

5. Fear: The fear of commitment or fear of getting hurt can be powerful deterrents.

6. Dishonesty in the past: If someone has been dishonest about their past, painting an overly positive picture, and then struggles to maintain that facade, it can strain the relationship due to lies, secrecy, and a lack of transparency.

Anonymous · Answer

I like this question. But I got to take bit of exception with the classification on 1,2 and 3. How did you arrive at this conclusion? Either I've never had #3 or #3 is not as clearcut as you're describing. Because something ALWAYS derails it with a woman I'm speaking to. How do you know one is being direct and the other isn't? I mean that's your vantage point. But only YOUR vantage point. See what I'm saying? As you go onto to say talking about "one can infer when someone is being open and honest". I have inferred that with women before only to have them stop on a dime and change. Which had me asking myself. We're they being dishonest all along and I just caught on. Or did I do/say something that made her get real secretive and closed off? Is this all part of a game she has pre-programmed into her when she reaches a certain level of intimacy with a guy? Or did I unknowingly tread upon some trigger of hers that might be an old scar of a previous relationship

I can't speak for other people only myself. But I try to keep things simple. I like to think of myself a mirror I reflect back what I'm given with people. If you're honest with me, I'll be honest with you. If you're dishonest with me, I might be dishonest back... at least until I decide this is pointless and just stop talking to her altogether. Cause what's the point of two people deceiving each other. Who really wins in that scenario?

ProbablyClueless · Answer

I think a lot of those people are just nervous and lack confidence in themselves. It would be tough to be honest with someone if you felt the person you really are would be uninteresting to them.

Sometimes people find it easier to push away anyone who challenges them than confront whatever issue they're exposing.

RealMarek · Answer

I don’t know, but to me the reason why is not really relevant. When I was dating I made a rule of observing a woman’s actions carefully to see if she was reciprocating my effort and interest. This should be mutual. I made a rule to not play games or chase women.

AmeerX · Answer

I learned a long time ago. People find power in withholding information. Like information freely available no matter how important is not considered valuable but information no matter how stupid and pathetic withheld is considered juicy and is perceived to be highly important

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I think there is lack of trust between two people is why things happen and/or go wrong.

worldscolide · Answer

Don't want to risk rejection. I don't have that problem lol, I'm kind of blunt lol.

AngryCarl2 · Answer

If I was transparent you'd know what I'm really like and then you wouldn't like me.

MysticDevice · Answer

Nerves. I'd day its because if nerves.

Philyouup · Answer

fear. people fear exposing themselves intimately. Mean what’s in thier heads in fear of them running off screaming “ weirdo!”.

Jennz6 · Answer

I don’t trust most people

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I don't really understand the question, to be honest. It's too vague.

Why do you think people avoid reciprocating transparency with people they LIKE, even if it will (most likely) sabotage their chances of —anything?

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I think there is lack of trust between two people is why things happen and/or go wrong.