Boyfriend text me to leave him alone and to figure out a way to fix the fight we had. I’m not sure how. He said not to text him again until I’ve figured out how to fix our fight. I’m not sure what to do?
He sounds like he’s being unnecessarily difficult.
You’ve already apologized, and he’s still wanting you to appease his anger.
If you’ve already done all you can in your power to resolve things, he needs to do that same on his end.
He can’t blame you and continue to hold a grudge if you have already sincerely apologized.
Perhaps he doesn’t believe your apology was sincere?
Hopefully he’s not doing this to just manipulate you, but if he is, then it means he wants you to do extra favors - to do whatever he wants in order for his anger to subside.
That can be a slippery slope and be easily abused though.
The best thing would be to communicate everything in a safe space, while both of you are in a calm emotional state.
There’s likely things that have not been communicated that need to be communicated, as well as unresolved issues, perhaps both big and small.
What has worked well for my fiancée and I over the last 5 years is talking things out, as patiently and empathetically as we can, until each of us feels heard and understood — when everything that needed to be said was said, including apologies, and there’s nothing left unresolved.
It can take a long time to hash everything out, perhaps hours even. And it can feel uncomfortable. But, it needs to be done in order for things to be fully resolved. These are uncomfortable but necessary conversations.
He text me a few hours after I posted this , we have talked things out and I have apologised but it doesn’t help because he says he still feels angry/annoyed and has also said my apologies mean nothing because I continue to annoy him. When he gets annoyed he doesn’t let it go easy he kind of stays that way for awhile. No matter what I say
I suppose you’ll just need to wait it out then. If you’ve done everything in your power already, now it’s simply about him managing his own emotions and recovering.
Him staying angry is not your responsibility. Only he has direct control of his feelings. He shouldn’t hold you responsible just because he continues to feel angry.
The ball is now in his court.
It’s like if a customer wanted a refund at a store and the store already gave them a full refund. And then the customer is still angry. The store already gave the full refund so what is there left to do? It’s now the customer that needs to let things go.
It sounds like what he’s doing now is just sulking.
Here’s an article on how to handle people to do this: www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Lover-Who-Sulks
I think the way you might want to solve conflicts might depend on the attachment you have from childhood that can obv change, according to your experiences back then and now. So, he might really need some space but you might want to solve things now. Different kind of attachments. you need to compromise: okay, you talk about how you feel, but hear his side as well. He is saying he needs to see how to fix things. Right, without context (how the fight began and etc) is difficult to understand. But perhaps is putting much pressure on it and like avoiding for a while might be his time to actually comprehend and then find a solution. But, as i said, can be difficult for you as well not solving this when it happens. So, you assure him on how you feel about him, despite the fight, that you understand his position and feelings - we are all different - and like i know now might not be the best time, but we will have to find time for this - or you can also suggest a solution - and he sees he doesn’t have to feel it all alone. It is about mutual understanding and respect both sides.
Personal case: i want to solve everything in the moment he wants to analyse and then answer. So i sometimes insist, when i know it is something that i know we are literally not understanding each other because of small things - like he is not really getting what i am saying and i want to make clear to avoid misunderstandings. But when it is something big, i understand we both need our times to process. And like what that can change and bring into what we have - the consequences of the topic. But we eventually get to talk about it. Just don’t let in unsolved and then be a problem in the future because the past isn’t well discussed. And like we all make mistakes, but we forgave and moved on. Bringing the past is most of the times really a mistake.
Ugh my boyfriend is the same way… Back then every time he pulled this on me I would immediately pour my all and pretty much beg for forgiveness but I’ve learned that he was just being childish so I stopped. If your boyfriend does this, he’s putting the blame on you and he wants you to beg for his forgiveness even though you did nothing wrong. He overreacted and he should be the one who needs to come to his senses.
What worked for me when dealing with a guy like this was to not entertain him. If he starts accusing you of things just say “okay”, don’t defend yourself, don’t agree to what he’s accusing you of doing (e. g. Being annoying, lol my boyfriend used to say this to me all the time when I ask him simple questions). Really, just give them space. If you do end up wanting to initiate contact first just talk about something irrelevant and if he starts blaming you again and demanding an apology just change the topic or tell him that you both need space to process the whole thing.
I'd suggest most, in fact, don't. I say that because a lot of couples developed short hand ways to get into a fight. An outsider might not see much amiss with what was said but can see them bristling.
We all have an intuitive image of what a good partner is and isn't but it isn't to say that image is shared between a couple. I would say he is seeing discrepancies between you and his concept of a good partner. He is standing up in demanding you be a good partner.
Often fights have their origins in these ideal partner discrepancies. If I cook I will serve up for my partner but one partner didn't and I thought it rude. Pretty trivial but galling. Fights can be unconsciously centered on trivial habits like this or bigger things that have never been resolved. Quite possibly what the fight is outwardly about is not what the cause is because the intuitive good partner image discrepancy is intuitive. Semi subconscious.
It is often flagged that women never admit they are wrong or apologize for being wrong. At best they might say they want to make you feel better which to a guy is condescending to such a degree it will make him angry.
What I would suggest is to tell him you want to be the best partner to him and ask him to point out to you when you are less than that - in his view - and that you will accept fault in future and fix plus apologize. It might sound submissive to you but you are equally able to ask the same from him. It is really just good partner behavior.
In a way it is; each of the couple is being submissive to the couple. There are three people in a couple - She, Him and Us. It will take practice to get to this.
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Give him some space if he asks so…
Then approach him slowly and instead of defending your position, try to find out where he’s coming from. Why is he so hurt?
Try to show him your perspective and show your care for his feelings.
Explain him why the fight took a place and that you love him and didn’t mean to hurt him and wish to work things out.
Compromise something. Be patient, empathetic and friendly.
@Sasha0426 that’s pretty much it. He also knows I didn’t intend to annoy him but it makes no difference if I meant to or not because in his eyes the result is the same. I annoyed him. I never start a fight on purpose.
It doesn’t really matter what I say to him because he will stay mad. Even wanting to work things out doesn’t help because he says he can’t just forget the fight or let go of being annoyed just like that
I agree with the others. He won’t try and communicate until you actually leave him alone. For whatever reason us women are so anxious to fix things when we fight with our boyfriends but realistically men typically will be more willing to work on things when you have a care less attitude towards things until he’s ready
I used to serve a young college student who lived with her boyfriend, and whenever they had a fight, which was fairly frequently, she'd call me and order me to pay for dinner for the two of them and either have it delivered or pick it up myself and bring it over to them. She had me do this three or four times, and every time, when I got there (even when I had it delivered, she still wanted me to come over) she had just had 'makeup sex' with him and she wanted me to provide 'after date cleanup service' for her, which I very much enjoyed.
He sounds like a douche-canoe. Possibly a douche-cannon, maybe even a douche-nadoe. But seriously, this is a very petty, immature, selfish approach to ANY problem. Have you considered that he may have instigated the fight on purpose either to justify doing something shady or because he wants something specific from you and wants you to feel obligated to give it instead of having to ask nicely like a decent human? He's being manipulative. The best easy to solve this problem, in my opinion: never call him again.
Ok, I’ve read your replies and it seems like he just doesn’t like you and can’t stand you in general. Yes, people can get frustrated at you for asking stupid questions but a normal person wouldn’t stop talking to you for a few days straight.
You did everything you could to apologize but him ignoring you like that and staying mad at you for that long, something’s up.
I could be wrong on this but I just have a feeling he’s completely done with you and using this as a way to say it’s over between you two.
It does seem like he doesn’t but this is how he reacts to pretty much every fight so it’s not new. And the fights we have are generally always over small things in my opinion like this. We don’t really have big fights , I rarely get annoyed at him. He says I annoy him a lot even when I don’t intend to. He did end up texting me not only a few hours after I posted this but has said he wants me to fix it or else he will stay mad. I don’t think he wants to break up with me because he has said lots of times he doesn’t want us to break up
By your post, not one person can fix it only two can. I've learned in my relationship that were both wrong, I've also learned to get over it don't go to bed angry because if you do you might not be able to get a second chance.
Lastly, when I'm angry at him or about to be I tell him to leave me alone for a period of time until I calm down and fix my issues or figure out a way to go about it, that away I'm not sitting there making it worse. Good luck and I'm praying 🙌🏾
He sounds like an idiot.
A fight is solved by commination from both sides or a break up is chosen.
Tbh I'd break up with someone who acts like you describe him (including your answers to others).
@Sasha0426 he doesn’t want to break up with me because when I ask him that he says he doesn’t want us to break up
1 party can't fix the problems of a fight requires both ends me and my partner tend to talk about out issues whenever we fight and don't get angry at the other
I’ve tried talking to him and saying i didn’t mean to cause a fight but it hasn’t really made a difference. He says it doesn’t matter if I meant to or not I still made him angry.
Yeah that is true but then says I have to fix it. So we’re currently not talking. I don’t really understand his logic
You have heard of make up sex sometimes that’s how people do it sometimes is just letting things go and no matter who was at fault if there was fault say I am an idiot and I’m sorry, no blame move on
I wait a day or so for her to calm down, then I grovel for a while.
He is really immature and doesn't know how to communicate. Communication is how you fix a fight. He sounds like a 10 year old throwing a tantrum
Don’t text him for a few days, things will cool down and will work better.
I’ve tried that before , no matter how long I give him to cool down he still is angry when I talk to him
I guess me, I asked him a stupid question that I had already asked before (he hates repeating himself) and he got angry saying he’s said to me before about acting idiotic. I can be a bit ditsy. I didn’t mean to cause a fight though..
By talking to each other about the issue.
Sex! For me, it’s always sex… 😂😳🙄
The 3 Cs!
Caring, communication and compromise!
Reason for fight?
I asked him a stupid question that I had already asked before (he hates repeating himself) and he got angry saying he’s said to me before about acting idiotic. I can be a bit ditsy. I didn’t mean to cause a fight though..
😂😂go confront him u can patch things up say u wanted his attention something romantic 😂🍒💒
Lol that would definitely not work.
U said it because u want his attention 😂guys fell for it
No he’s way smarter than that.
Guys are simple 😂sex solves a lot of problems unless you are unattractive and he has options
That’s such a shallow way of looking at a fight, most guys actually aren’t like that.. sex doesn’t fix everything that’s immature
It does 😂😂 now I get it why he wanna breakup with u
Answer me this.. are you special?
You sound legit like you’re a 16 year old so clearly you have no relationship..
You need to like mature a lot before you start giving advice on here especially for your age.. 27
Sasha doesn't like accountability 😂😂
And stay away from my comment Sasha👎👎
an uppercut
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