Guys, would you ask or ghost in this situation?

[Anonymous]

A guy I was casual with started acting differently for the last couple of days I was with him - he put less emphasis on sex, and wanted to take long walks, talk, wach a movie together, cuddle... We also talked about our values, ideal partner and vision of the future, and we're really compatible. I would take this as him liking me.

BUT, this was the first time I experienced "slow love /like". So despite showing clear signs of liking him, I was so focused on not being in love that I thought I had no romantic interest in him, and told him that. When I came back home, he ghosted.

I asked if everything was okay, still no reply, but he kept tabs on me by viewing my every story and status. I decided to remove him from my socials and delete his number. But it felt wrong doing it without saying goodbye, so just before deleting his no., I messaged to say goodbe, also called him out on ghosting and immaturity (worded in non-accusatory manner), and mentioned I liked him. Suddenly he replied with a smiley, said he was ohw home, and that he would get back to me later. But... he ghosted again.

Today I was talking with a guy friend who was sure he liked me, and we realized this might have pushed him away: (note he's 25, and I'm in my early 30s)

while we were talking about our visions of the future and the right partner, I mentioned I don't want to wait anymore. I meant I want to find the right person soon, and not settle down (I have things to take care of before that, which will take some years). But it might have come off as the latter given the context

Now this is bugging me, and I really want to say something (maybe a couple of weeks from now). But I don't know if he would still ask about it or ghost (see below)

What would you do in his place?

1. Would you still ask me about it after I told you I liked you, despite thinking I was ready to settle down? So to clear the confusion

2. Would you rather ghost to spare your own feelings because you were sure I was ready to settle down?

I'd ask. Don't text him

I wouldn't ask. Text him

[Summeroflove]

People who ghost are simply cowards and I know people will get mad and yell at me. Sure you’re not “entitled to an explanation” legally. But I can think lesser of someone as a person.

He didn’t get what he wants so now it’s onto the next person. This is how narcissists operate. He’s too scared to just be honest and tell you how he feels. You on the other hand can just be straightforward and tell someone how you feel while not being a ass about it.

If I don’t think something will work with someone. I just simply say it. The only time I “ghost” is when someone is bugging me and won’t leave me alone or texts me all hours of the day and night. They might consider it ghosting if I don’t respond in 5 minutes. But luckily I don’t have a lot of people like that in my life

[Asker]

Yes, that's how I usually think. But in the past year I learned a lot about how people can go differently about some things, but still be genuine. And make a mistake, but still learn and not repeat it (though those are rare). And I'm willing to get over certain things if genuine learning took place, I'm also saying that from the perspective of someone who made a lot of mistakes (I mean, we all do), but learned. And since I don't really have experience with ghosting (got ghosted only once before, and it was relatively recent), nor have I ever ghosted, I was willing to see if there could be a less of an as*holey explanation for ghosting given I might have messed it up.

[Summeroflove]

There really isn’t. He’s just a asshole. But that’s part of forgiving is realizing nobody is perfect. Doesn’t mean that you have to go back and get hurt again then.

[Summeroflove]

Yes people are weird. Someone one minute can seem all happy and things are going GREAT! And it’s like a switch flips inside of them. Who knows what’s going on inside their head. Frankly we probably don’t want to know.

Irs just best to move on. If he’s too much or a coward to just say how he feels then that’s on him. Just learn from it and learn to do the opposite of whatever he does lol

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

He liked you and you shot him down so he backed off. He likely wasn't interested in keeping up communication or have you as a friend (i do the same) so he just moved on.

You basically told him you saw no future and he took you at your word. Personally if you reached out, I certainly wouldn't respond as I would consider everything closed. He may or may not choose to respond. Expect him to ignore anything you send him.

[Asker]

Thanks for your observation. I can understand the first paragraph and the first part of the second (although I think at least saying goodbye instead of ghosting would be the right thing to do). But I told him I liked him in my last message and why I was confused about it (basically why I said what I said).

And say I do tell him about what I meant by not wanting to wait anymore, would you still just decide to ignore it if you were in his shoes, and keep moving on? I mean, it's been a week and a half after I left for home. I know people can move on extremely quickly if there has been no significant amount of time and closeness (e. g. I moved on from a guy I saw once [and for maybe a minute after that] within a couple of days), but we had spent a month se*ting after we first met (not comparable to full blown convos, but still creates some sort of connection), and then spent 3½ days at his place. Surely it would take him longer than a week to move on?

But yes, I am prepared to expect a no-answer again

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

I would still move on. First impression is just that first impression and you were confusing and sending mix messages. I am not dealing with indecisiveness. This isn't high school or preschool where people play dating head games.

Keep in mind I keep my romantic interests completely separate from my friends list. So if I approach you and get shot down, I am just going to wish you the best and move on. I have plenty of friends and have no interest in adding yet another one.

It can take months for guys to let their guard down to build that connection your describing. We do not operate in "feel good" emotional mode. We are analytic and are looking at probable outcomes and not possible outcomes. Well with your mix messages is the probable outcome would be you would just walk away at some point and any further time spent putting interest in your would be wasted. Ergo, We ghost and move on.

[Asker]

Yes, but we started as casual. Only s*x. Then he changed his behaviour, but never told me he liked me. So he wasn't really direct either, but left me guessing. I agree with not dealing with indeciseveness, I'm very decisive generally. This was just a completely new and confusing situation, also from his end (no directness).

We were never friends and I do the same. We matched on a dating app, hooked up, a week later arranged for me to fly over as soon as both of us can, but the majority of the online convo was se*ting, not more meaningful texting. How could have I known to take his change in behaviour as a sure sign he liked me based on all of that if he didn't tell me directly.

But I understand what might be his point of view better now. Thank you

[Nemesis2k7]

@XXTruthfulOgrexx

Yea. When a girl rejects a guy, and be backs off, its usually out of respect. He stops pursuing her, and finds a girl that likes him back

[Asker]

@Nemesis2k7 understandable. But if you start as casual, you should also be direct when you choose to change your behaviour. We notice changes, but we don't read minds no more than you do. How are we supposed to know if you actually like us or you just changed your behvaiour because you would like some relationship benefits without actually being in one?

[YourExLover69]

That casual sex, sexting made him catch feelings for you but you disappointed him by saying don't have any romantic feelings for him.

Personally if a girl says that to me who I see as potential partner/more than friends, I'd feel broken and would keep silent. I know ghosting someone isn't a good option and I have never ghosted anyone in my life. But this whole situation would break my heart if the girl can't put her efforts for me. I expect efforts from both sides.

[Asker]

Ofc effort is needed from both sides. But if you started as casual, and then changed your behaviour without ever telling her you liked her, wouldn't you be aware of your lack of directness? I mean, we can see a change in behaviour, but we can't read mind any more than you do. How was I suppoed to know if the changed his behaviour because he liked me or because he just wanted the relationship coziness without actually being interested in one. Also, I flew to another country to see him (it was only a 1-hour flight, but then also count the waiting time at the airport, and I had to get up at 3 am to catch that flight). So wouldn't that show effort?

And also, would you keep silent despite her asking you what happened and why you ghosted? And even after she told you she liked you? (He actually replied to that one and said we would talk later, but then ghosted again. Twice)

Genuinely asking these questions, the more input from different people, the better

[YourExLover69]

Personally I'd give you some hints if I started liking you and catch feelings for you. He gave you some hints too ( slow love).
I know you put efforts for him. I'd also appreciate if a girl takes flight to visit me. I'd be more serious for her then.

I won't keep silent. I don't believe in ghosting someone. (Unless a girl cheated me on or talked with me super rude).

[Billlewis]

Just call or text him and ask him what's going on.

[Asker]

Well I already did, see the third paragraph. I mean, technically he ghosted three times, minus a one short reply in between. Generally I would say that's more than enough, but I can't stop thinking about if what I mentioned at the end was what messed it up. But I feel like messaging again after a third ghosting so soon would be overkilling it on my end. And if I wait for a couple of weeks, he might already move on completely (if he hadn't already in this week and a half)

You don't think another message would be too much?

[Anonymous]

Don’t over think

[In_Trance]

Ghost