Why is he taking hours to reply…. Is he not interested anymore?

[Anonymous]

I wanted something casual (casual friends) …. He eventually wanted something long term and he mentioned that he would end up liking you for nothing… I have also been showing some red flags but I told him that I’m protecting myself. He said something that made me reflect… he said I shouldn’t punish everyone for what one person did…

so a couple days later I told him that I wasn’t being fair and that I’m open to taking things slow… he asked me what does that entail but he’s also been taking hours to respond and it wasn’t like that in the beginning

does he not want to try things out or?

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo, from the sounds of it, this guy might be losing interest with taking so long to reply now. A few possibilities:

- He took your initial hesitation personally and is putting up walls now too. Guys don't always show emotion but that stuff sticks with us.

- Dude might have gotten busy with other life stuff and just isn't that invested yet since you both wanted different things at first.

- Possibly talking to other girls too and you're not the only option anymore so replies are slower.

- Could sense you're still a little guarded and unsure so he figures better not get too attached if you might change your mind again.

My advice would be, don't chase him or double text. Keep it casual for now since that's all you wanted to start. See if he picks up the pace on his own, if not, maybe hit him up once more in a few days with a low-key question, but don't sweat it too much yet.

Since you want things slow anyway, let him put in some effort too before deciding if he's still interested or not. Protect your feelings, don't over-analyse, and put the ball in his court a bit. Hope this helps!

[Asker]

I’ll take it that he’s not interested …. I did double text him to see if he wanted to continue talking… it’s been two days since I last heard from him. He is a software engineer but I’m certain he will make time out of his busy day…

I feel a few different ways… I feel like I messed things up from my unhealed past.. I def showed him red flags and I told him that I’m showing him red flags… he agreed.

Maybe he was just acting like an “honorable “ guy to try and get into my pants and he just wanted me to feel safe enough to sleep with him..

In the end… he didn’t like me as much as I thought bc I thought he would have been okay with taking things slow…

I admit that I am a bit jealous if he’s talking to someone else but I understand.

I just wish he could have given things a chance and been more patient.

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn, that's rough. It's never fun when you start catching feelings and the other person bails. From the sounds of it though, you're probably right that he's losing interest.

Still, don't be too hard on yourself. We've all got past stuff that makes us cautious at first. And it's good you recognized your own red flags - that's growth. This guy may just not have wanted to deal with the baggage.

The best thing you can do is keep your head up. It sucks he wasn't more patient, but you don't want someone who doesn't fully accept where you're at too. As for him maybe just wanting to hookup, who knows - guys can be shady.

My advice would be try not to dwell on it or be jealous if he's talking to others. Easier said than done, I know. But you seem self-aware, so I'm sure the right person will come along who likes you for you and is willing to go slowly. You'll be alright luv, just give it some time before putting yourself out there again.

[Asker]

Yeah he just wanted to fuck. Prob

Thank you

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh, that really sucks. Nothing worse than a dude just wasting your time tryna get in your pants. At least now you know not to waste any more energy on this clown.

Don't be too hard on yourself either - we've all had our moments of trusting the wrong people. Live and learn, ya know? At least next time you'll know what signs to watch out for sooner.

I'd say just try not to let this jerk get you down. Go do something fun with the homies to take your mind off it. Work out, play some ball, whatever helps you feel better. You'll bounce back in no time.

Plenty more fish and all that. Don't give up on finding someone actually worth your time just cause of this one dude. You'll be alright, just keep your head up! Thanks for telling me about it - sometimes it helps just venting to a friend. I'm here if you need anything else.

[Asker]

You think he was just trying to eventually use me?

He’s the one who told me that I shouldn’t punish everyone bc of what one person did

[Oliverlogan263]

Honestly sis, it's hard to say for sure what his deal was. Some guys will say whatever to try and get with a girl, even if they don't mean it.

It's possible he did really like you at first, but once things got more serious he got cold feet or just wasn't tryna put in the work. Or maybe he was hoping if he stuck around long enough you'd just give it up without the commitment.

I don't wanna accuse him of using you outright, but his actions after didn't line up with someone tryna build something real. And don't let any dude make you feel bad for having boundaries after past hurt. That's just manipulation.

Your feelings are valid. All you can do is learn from this and know your worth. Anybody who's truly down for you will respect you and your pace. Next man best come correct or keep it pushin! You deserve way more than what this clown offered. Chin up sis - this loss gon be his biggest L in the end!

[Asker]

So he did text me after 2 days and said “I’ve been really busy” “are you off this week”

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm well that's kinda good that he did text back I guess. But saying he's been "really busy" is a pretty basic excuse, like come on we all get busy sometimes but most people will still find a minute to reply.

I'd maybe give him one more chance but still keep your guard up a bit. Maybe chat with him and see if he actually seems interested in hanging out again this week. If he's just making small talk without actually making plans then I'd say he's still probably not that into it. But if he puts in effort to set something up for sure then maybe he is just busy. Up to you if you think he's worth another shot. Just don't get too invested again yet until he proves he's not gonna flake this time. Actions over words and all that ya know. We'll see I guess!

[Asker]

I don’t think he’s that into it anymore…. He said I brought a lot of confusion by not knowing what I wanted. He’s still confused on what I want… this was his text:

How do you gauge a person’s interest? Do you want me to be interested? Or did you want to just be friends. You introduced a lot of confusion as to what you want

I admit that I did start things off bad in the beginning … I gave him whiplash

[Staximus]

A person who wants a serious relationship is going to lose interest in a person who doesn't

[Asker]

But I let him know that I’m open to it and I wanted to take things slow.

[Staximus]

At first you said you wanted something casual. That's the last thing somebody looking for a serious relationship wants to hear. It can be interpreted in many negative ways, like you don't think he's serious relationship material, like you want to keep the option of fucking other dudes open, etc.

[Asker]

But he knew that in the beginning I didn’t want to have sex.. I asked if he wanted me to be someone he talks to until he finds a girlfriend and he said no.

He was under the impression that I would want something serious.

[Staximus]

Now I'm confused

[Asker]

I just wanted to talk to him. No sex or relationship … just a fun placeholder until he found someone else.

[LazerBean]

That is correct, he is not interested.

[Joker_]

he's a busy man

[Asker]

Or an uninterested man who prob just wanted to fck