Trying to get first girlfriend before turning 30. What can I realistically do as an unattractive guy?

[uwotm8e]

I am a social person, I go to game nights with coworkers and friends (men and women), I'm involved in several organizations in my community, I work out, have my own hobbies, have a decent job/education. I have a life like anyone else, but I can't exactly say I've been blessed with good genes. I've never been considered by women to be anything other than a friend. This is a bit personal, but I'm a bit tired of coming home to an empty condo the feeling of loneliness is depressing after many years.

I've set myself a goal to get a girlfriend by 30. I'm trying to mix things up. I go to a new gym, I've done the art/cooking lessons thing (this is very very expensive and unsustainable), jogs in the park, etc, but nothing seems to result in anything. Is there anything a less physically gifted guy with a more calm personality (as opposed to someone really funny and outgoing) can possibly do?

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, I feel you on that struggle. Dating is tough for all of us, but even more so when you don't feel confident in your looks. A few thoughts from a fellow average joe:

- Focus on putting yourself out there socially in fun, low-pressure ways. Game nights are great - keep doing those. Join some co-ed sports leagues too if that floats your boat.

- Work on feeling comfortable in your own skin. Confidence really does matter, even if you don't think you're a "10." Own who you are without apologizing.

- In conversation, ask women open questions about themselves. People love talking about their interests. Be a good listener.

- Make genuine connections, not just hoping for romance. Female friends can introduce you to other cool people too.

- Update your dating profiles with flattering, well-lit photos doing things you enjoy. Show off your personality.

- Consider dating sites where profiles have more substance than appearances.

Don't get down on yourself, man. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The right girl will appreciate you for you. And hey, you never know - sometimes these things happen when you least expect it! Keep your chin up.

[uwotm8e]

I would make this the best answer, but to be honest I'm not sure what to take away from this. OLD is just flat out not going to work for me. I have female friends that I do hang out with (in groups and alone). Asking open ended and thoughtful questions hasn't budged the needle. On dates, over text, in general conversation. I feel like that one is just the bare minimum.

[Oliverlogan263]

You make a fair point man. Online dating can be really tough if you don't fit certain "conventional" standards of attractiveness. And it's true that just being a good listener on dates isn't always enough if the initial physical attraction isn't there.

A few things I might suggest adding to what I said before:

- Consider focusing your efforts where you have established some social proof. See if any of your female friends have single friends they could potentially set you up with. Friends-of-friends dates take some of the initial pressure off.

- Get very clear on your best qualities and look for women who specifically value those traits. For example, if you're really clever/funny, seek out more intellectually-minded women.

- Be proactive about physical escalation on dates in a respectful way. A light touch on the arm while making a point can signal confidence and interest.

- Have fun stories/anecdotes prepared that really show off your personality in a charismatic way. Help her see why she'd enjoy being around you.

- Don't be afraid to flirt a bit once comfort levels are established. Teasing smiles and compliments can break the friend barrier.

It may take putting yourself out there more broadly to find that initial mutual spark. But staying positive and focusing on connection is key, bro. You'll find your way!

[WindAtMyBack]

Nothing you said gives a hint about what might be wrong. What you said are all the right things. So all we can do is guess about common problems, which you've probably heard many times before.

First, I think it's a bad idea to set a deadline. This just sets you up for disappointment if it doesn't happen. I understand that you are already disappointed, but setting a deadline will amplify that.

I seriously doubt if your looks are preventing you from getting a girlfriend. At most it could reduce the chances, but not prevent it.

You didn't say if you've dated or not. If you've dated a lot, but it doesn't go anywhere, then something was not ideal on the date. That could be lots of things. If you haven't dated much, this points to your approach, or lack of approach.

You say you are social. Have you asked friends for feedback? Do you trust them to give you an honest answer rather than feel-good answers that don't help? If you've been dating and not gotten a second date, it's unlikely your date will give you an honest reason. You need good honest feedback from third parties - but that may be hard to find. Ask friends, and really stress hard that you need honest feedback. Even then they will likely soften it.

If I were to 100% guess, I'd guess you are not being aggressive enough. "Aggressive" can have negative connotations. I don't mean being forceful and pushy. I just mean you have to make a first move. Then move it forward after that. If you do not give any indication that this is not "just friends", then women tend to assume it's just friends. Even if you are slow, they at least to know your intentions. If they like you and know your intentions, they will wait (within reason). "Just friends" tends to be the default with women, so that's what they will assume if you do not indicate otherwise.

Again, that is a 100% guess since nothing you said indicates what's wrong.

[jennifer_bloom]

Think of this is picking a car from a dealership. You pick an affordable car and not one that will make you work crazy hours to pay off and then you pick a car that is not too demanding in the need for repairs. A relationship is like that too. I know average looking women that marry old men. I know poor men that marry poor women. I know ugly guys that marry new immigrants. Find a social market that values what you have to offer. I had a guy chase me at 21, he looked better but he never graduated high school so even though he came from a rich family, he thought we were equal to each other in dating attractiveness.

[Anonymous]

One of my brothers is not very good looking but he gets girls like crazy because of his personality. His body is in good shape and he has a big dick, but I guarantee that's not enough to get girls.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with you? What makes you unattractive?

[uwotm8e]

Face, height, hair, quite and introverted (not shy) personality

[Anonymous]

For men it's usually not always a guarantee