Is it okay for me to feel left out when my boyfriend never invites me out to bars with his friends?

[holly6090]

So I am having this big issue in my relationship. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 25. We have been dating for a year and a half now. This issue has been going on for about a year now. He works throughout the week and will go out with his friends a couple times a month. They will go out to the bars and hang out. I have asked him multiple times if he could maybe invite me out every once in a while and says that he will try but never does. There are times when I am working that night and he goes out and doesn't invite me, that makes sense but there are other nights when he will go out and not invite me while I am in my house. One time he went out to this invite with his friends at a bar and didn't ask if I wanted to come at all. I have seen pictures that his friends post on social media and my boyfriend is taking photos with guys and girls and looks like he is having a great time. Early in the relationship, he went out with friends and came back and told me that "he wished I was there" but didn't think of inviting me at all. There have been a couple of times when a girlfriend is invited or even a female friend is invited but when I ask my boyfriend he always kind of has an excuse. I have other friends but I only see them once every month. I am not expecting him to ask me out every time. I don't know what to do. A part of me is scared that he does want to invite me out because he might be doing something unloyal or disrespectful. What do I do?

[MrOracle]

Often, I would be defending the guy and explaining his perspective to a girl because it was obvious that she didn't understand things from the guy's point of view, but in this situation, assuming everything is as you described it, is BULLSHIT.

You absolutely should be upset, and you have every right to be. It's one thing if he didn't invite you EVERY SINGLE TIME, or if he sometimes went out when you weren't available, but a couple in a relationship should be inviting each other to their activities BY DEFAULT unless there is a good (and rare) reason why the other person couldn't come/wasn't invited.

Once, or even twice, over a good period of time, I could maybe say he forgot, but this is a pattern of behavior that he hasn't fixed even when asked to. At best, he's not thoughtful enough to remember you. At worst, he's cheating on you. At near-to-worst, he's keeping you away from his friends for some reason (perhaps pretending to still be single and hitting on other girls?). Obviously I can't say for sure, but either way, in my opinion it's unacceptable. It's just not how you treat a significant other.

I often see people on here telling other people - girls especially - to break up their relationship over small and very fixable things, without doing any real work to fix the problem. Most of the time, those relationships could be fixed. This one, I'm not so sure. He's had chances to fix it and he hasn't done it, which means there's a REASON he hasn't done it, and I can't think of a single GOOD reason - which means it's almost certainly a bad reason.

[zeitgeist057]

I think your gut is right on this one, and trusting your gut is a good idea. I think he is doing things he doesn't want you there for, like flirting with other women, or maybe doing more like kissing or even sex if the opportunity arises.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sucks.

One thing I would suggest if you want to continue the relationship and going out with these "friends" is important to you: organize your own event. Invite your boyfriend and friends, his friends, whoever you want to be there. Have a night at the bar. Karaoke or whatever, dancing, drinking, &c.

Another thing you could do is go out to bars on your own without him, with or without some other friends.

Basically, I'm saying don't be dependent on him for fun. And be prepared that your gut instinct is right. I'm willing to bet 90%+ probability it is spot on. We know things that we don't want to admit to ourselves and your story the way you told it makes him totally sus.

[DaisyM23]

Yeah that's okay for you to be left out, I think anyone would be, especially since your boyfriend is brushing you off like this. It's completely worth having a conversation about this, or else it'll just fester and more problems will arise. Have you met his friends before, have you hung out with them before in non-bar settings? If the issue is that he likes just hanging out with his friends and having his space, I guess that'd be okay but you both need to COMMUNICATE your needs. The fact that other female friends and gfs have been invited means that it's not just a guys night, something is going on. Now this something could be him cheating or slagging you off behind your back, but talk to him about how this is making you feel. You're not asking to go with him every time he goes out, he goes out a few times a month, you can AT LEAST be invited once or twice. You've been dating for over a year as well, you shouldn't have to feel like this in YOUR relationship

[IslaTheWitch]

You can feel whatever you want, and it's always OK.

But... (yeah, there is always but)

Does it make any sense for you? To feel like that...

What do you think about talking to your boyfriend honestly? But not about what he does but about how it makes you feel. Describe a situation as you did it here and tell him how you feel and what thoughts and doubts it creates in you.

Don't expect him to read your mind or understand you after one word. Ask him what he thinks about what you described to him. Listen to him. And then together try to find a solution which will work for both of you...

But please... as you are open here to people you don't know, be even more open to your own boyfriend. He could be more helpful in solving the struggles of your relationship...

[Summeroflove]

Yes. It’s okay to feel left out. Tell him how you feel. If you suspect more is going on that’s a bigger deal.


But find something you enjoy doing.

[Summeroflove]

It’s like a lot of girls enjoy having “girl time” just hanging out with their female friends. Guys like the same thing.

[Avicenna]

Yeah, that's really messed up it it happens regularly. I could see doing it once in a while.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that really sucks what you're going through. I can't believe your boyfriend keeps leaving you out like that, especially when other girls get invited! That's super shady and not cool at all. You deserve to feel included and like you're his #1. I'd be questioning things too if I were you. When guys act suspicious like that, it's usually for a reason. I know it's probably hard to think about, but are you sure you can really trust him when he's out with his friends? I wouldn't be surprised if something was up. You need to have a serious talk with him and let him know how much this is hurting you. Tell him you don't want to keep feeling left out and wondering what he's doing without you there. If he still won't listen and tries to make excuses, he's probably not changing. You shouldn't have to beg your own boyfriend to include you! At that point, you might need to reconsider if this is really the right relationship for you. I know that's a really tough choice to make. But please don't settle for being anyone's second option. You deserve someone who chooses you first every time and makes you feel special. Don't be afraid to put yourself and your needs first here. I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do. Just know that you have so much value and any guy would be lucky to have a girl as amazing as you!

[Flatmanlewis]

Not only is it okay to feel left out but this is one of those data points you want to collect and add to your eventual assessment of whether this is a good long term situation or not. He’s clearly comfortable ignoring your polite requests which leave you to either accept his behavior OR approach him more directly. Truthfully, you shouldn’t have to.


Additionally, some people act very different in their various parts of their lives and anybody you may saddle the rest of your life with (since that’s essentially what marriage is and marriage is what most dating in theory at least is trying to advance toward.) you should understand the absolute depth & width of them as a person. If he’s not comfortable with you being around him in that setting.


My prediction is you’ll force this issue and he will bring you along once then start a series of manipulations to try and get you to voluntarily withdrawal. This way gets to have the absolution of saying he invited you but without having to make any real changes to the status quo.

[Lliam]

First, that "partying with the bros" thing is really immature.

Second, there must be a reason why he doesn't want you around.
Is he ashamed to be with you? Is he doing something shady? Does he think you are a bring down?

It's totally disrespectful and hurtful to make you feel unwelcome. Like you would inhibit him and his "bros". And he apparently doesn't care if he hurts you.

I agree 100% with Oliverlogan263. You should be his #1 friend. He should want you with him as much as possible and to share fun times. If he doesn't feel that way, he doesn't love you.

It makes me think that he's not grown up enough to even consider settling down. He is only wants you for sex and is stringing you along, using you, treating you like a convenience, wasting your time.

I think you might need to consider finding a real man. One who has his head on straight, and is thinking about the future. A man who respects and cherishes you and wants the same things you do.

[RavVid]

I think you should respect your boyfriend is a guy and also needs to spend some time with his friends as well as with you.

Really a single girl amongst a group of guys changes the whole conversation and ruins it is how I would put it.

I go out once a week with a friend and we mostly talk geopol or our profession. If there was girl in it none of that interesting conversation and idea exchange would not happen. No point in us going to the pub in that scenario. A female friend did try to gatecrash and I said "We talk geopol. You aren't interested in geopol. You'll turn it into a dress conversation on what other women are wearing. NO".

Let him have two nights a month where gets to talk to his mates.

You are worried that unsupervised, he will pick up girls. You need to let go mate guarding. If you don't let go, you will drive yourself crazy. At the end of the day we just have to trust in our partners fidelity. That is all there is other chastity belts.

[MsBell2018]

First off, your feelings are always ok. Even if it's a messed up situation, how you feel is valid. Secondly, if you've been with him that amount of time & he still isn't at least inviting-red flag. If I'm working all week, I'm darn sure going to want to spend the weekend with my man! If friends want to go out, I'm bringing my man or at least inviting him. I'd ask myself why doesn't my guy of 18 months not want to spend time with me & leave me sitting here? Ask him as well. I'd tell him how you feel. I'd question his fidelity. What's he doing that he doesn't want you to see? Do they go to the same place? Pop up & watch from a distance. How's his behavior? After a bit, I'd join him "Hey Babe! How's it going?" See his reaction. Pissed, ignores you, those are red flags & I'd be done if thats the case.

[Screenwriter]

Sounds like he doesn't want you there. That's his "personal" time with his friends and he doesn't want to include you.

If this has been going on for a year, I"m surprized that you don't recognize this.

Have you sat down and had a discussion about this? I'd ask if he feels that this is his personal time and he really doesn't want you there. Be prepared for him to answer, "Yes." And don't be hurt about it. Every relationship has boundaries.

I would never assume he's doing anything disloyal. He knew these people long before he knew you. Seems this is his "freedom," and he doesn't want to give it up.

So, either you accept this, or find another SO who wants to spend more time with you.

[sage2021]

Sometimes a guy won't want his girlfriend out partying with home and his friends for a couple of reasons.

He doesn't want you there because then if he meets another girl, he can't pick up on her.

He doesn't want you there because some of his friends might tell you things he does that you don't know about and is hiding from you.

This friend of the guy I was seeing at the time told me all kinds of stuff about my boyfriend. None of it was good. And he continued to see women behind my back, yet he would call me everyday for years and would always said I love you before we hung up. Yeah right💔

[pierre7i]

I can totally understand this being a huge issue for you - your boyfriend occasionally but regularly goes out to bars with his friends, including girls, and clearly is having a great time - but he won't ask you to join him ?

This is not only disrespectful of him but very selfish ! It seems he doesn't want you to be with him, which is kind of cruel and uncaring. Just imagine @holly6090 if you were to marry him in the future and he still insisted on doing this, and continued to leave you out of his 'fun' evenings, that would be even worse for you !

You need to have a serious discussion with him about this and if he doesn't understand your perspective and continues to insist on his 'free fun times' with his guy friends AND other girls, then I think you really must put yourself first and move on - it will be so much better for you to find a more caring guy who will put YOU first above all others, above all else !

[SeymourBill420]

Well, I would definitely constitute that a problem. Maybe not every single time if it's say the boys night out. But, I don't see why he can't or would not have a couples night out once in awhile at least in a minimum. But yes I would definitely find a big problem with that in that environment. People only go to bars pretty much at any age to find a companion of some kind. And, if he has a companion. Then he should be a companion to his companion. But, I guess it really all depends on the circumstance too. A lot of women like to be embarrassing in public. I don't know. But I definitely would find a problem with that. Especially every time. But, I would be the type that would rather spend the majority of time with my woman if she is my woman. But, I don't have many friends either so that might explain why

[smne35]

You deserve better than this, your young 23, got your whole life ahead of you, and this kid is not all there is in this world, you don't need to settle for this kind of treatment, and don't need someone who don't care about you how you feel, it saddens me deeply to hear this don't settle for anyone who don't treat you like the most important woman in the world do yourself a favor and get rid of this kid you deserve to be happy not this way take time to get past this and start enjoying this life and never settle for this kind of treat meant from anyone, ok if you want can reach out to me anytime in

[DJB72]

Sounds like a red flag. I can't imagine going out with my friends and not inviting my wife. Before we got married I was a member of a bowling league that played a couple of times a week and I felt awkward going without her - and we lived in different countries!

Based on what you say it sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it. Guard your heart. These days - unfortunately - some guys will try to get around saying "I never promised we were exclusive" or some bullshit like that.

The other question that arises is do you invite him to come along when you're going out with the girls? He might be just trying to balance what he sees if you don't, but my gut says it's not likely.

[HawkPerception]

Yes it's definitely okay to feel left out. I've made sure to always make my partners feel included. I invite them to every get together with a bunch of friends. In my opinion, it's rude not to.

However, I will say if it's just me and a friend solo and we wanna talk or rant about our lives and catch up guy to guy, I let me partners know that too and make sure they're comfortable with it.

I do think if you're with someone of the opposite sex, then it's only right to invite your partner, but if it's guy to guy or girl to girl, then it's fine one on one.

There's not really a clear black and white line when it comes to this, but for the most part, I believe the dynamic I mentioned is a healthy way to handle things.

[SphynxUK]

You can feel any way you wish. I bet he doesn’t feel left out when you see your girlfriends?
He’s always gone out with his friends. It’s nothing new, so why are you now thinking he’s up to something?
Seems like you have trust issues. Why’s that? Problem with him before? A past relationship? If it’s the latter, watch you don’t ruin an otherwise good relationship because of unjust doubts.

[Mr_twoface]

This sucks and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Usually I would advice people to talk to their partner, however, in this instance you have given him so many chances and he has shown you that he is a dick. There are no real good excuse as to why he would do that to you, the person he claims to love.

If a man doesn't treat his girlfriend/partner as a Queen and making you feel that, then you are better off without him. It's that simple in my book.

Best of luck!

[aceleon]

if it wasonly with his guy friends i would agree with him and won't invite my girl there.

but there are girls there too, so he is either too jealous and doesn't want his male friends with you even when there are other girls there or he might be doing something unfaithfull, or just doesn't feel serious with you perhaps.

[sheikalana]

Did you ask him why you're never invited? My husband doesn't like to include me in those plans either because he doesn't like to expose me to a environment full of men who only talk about guy's stuff. I felt better after he explained me why he doesn't usually include me in those plans and I'm okay with it now.

[spierjames]

Communication is good

[Jkgordon]

No because he is with his friends. You need to get a life already seriously goi g nuts over a boyfriend. You better be looking for red flags instead of allowing him to occupy your mind like this.
He’s just a boy friend already. Start doing stuff too.

[YesterdaysChild]

Sounds like a relationship where he is getting all the benefits and you get to stay at home. Just don't invite him to have sex unless you can go too and see how long that lack of invites lasts then.