What's the point of kissing someone on first or second date?

[Anonymous]

What's the point of kissing someone on first or second date? I don't understand what people want to get out of when they kiss someone that they barely know and are not in a relationship with.

Is that a way to determine if there's a deal breaker, for example, if the other person's kissing style/skill is not the way the person wants?

(Regardless, people can work on the way they kiss. Skills & styles are developed. If people can work on accents that they've grown up with, kissing isn't as difficult to work on, as long as it's something that a person thinks needs worked on and is interested in working on it.)

Because after kissing on first and/or second dates, people go on being strangers anyway. It's not like they get into relationships with those that they kiss, so what's the point? 🤔

If I were to initiate a kiss with a guy, I would probably be interested in more than just one kiss, or just kisses, and I don't sleep with a guy unless I'm in a relationship with him, that's why I want to know other people's opinions and perspectives on kissing on first/second date.

Updates

+1 y

For those who think that kissing on first or second date is good way of seeing if there's chemistry, how do you think people can spark chemistry with strangers? Since it might not occur on first date and can be built with time. Thank you.

Updates

+1 y

I just went on second date with a guy. After we hugged at the end of the date, he asked me "No kiss?" We kissed. I haven't heard from him again. Situation like this. Why asked me for a kiss if he didn't plan on seeing me again? He had wanted to kiss me, and just wanted to make sure he did that before never seeing me again?

[Lliam]

If you both have a really nice time and get along well on the first date and want to see each other again, what are you supposed to do before you part, shake hands?

A brief, tender kiss shows that you like each other. It shows that you aren't afraid of physical contact. And it's also a way of telling if there is a spark.

I'll give two examples from my life.
I asked one particular woman out for dinner. We met at a restaurant near her house and had a very enjoyable dinner. We hit it off and liked each other. It was night, so I walked her home. When we arrived, I said goodnight. Before going inside, she paused, turned to face me, looked up into my eyes, placed her hands on top of my shoulders, rose on her tip toes, and gave me a brie kiss that was so tender that it made my head swim. I said I'd see her next week and left.
We dated again the next two weekends and wound up in a long-term, monogamous relationship. She was wonderful.

I met my (future) wife at a restaurant on our first date. We both drove and parked behind the restaurant in their lot. We totally hit it off. Our conversation flowed and time disappeared. After while, I felt something bumping my foot and realized that a waiter was vacuuming under our table. We looked around and saw that the place was empty. They were closing.
So we walked out to our cars and continued chatting. When I finally said goodbye, she stepped forward and gave me a tender kiss on the lips.

I sometimes initiated similar kisses after first dates with girls that I really liked. I was always careful to read their body language first to see if they were receptive. It's typical to say "Goodnight. I had a really nice night" and kiss them before leaving. Again, it's just a brief, tender kiss. No open mouth or tongue.

If someone doesn't want to kiss, it signals that they either don't like you or they are up tight about physical contact.

[Asker]

There aren't just kisses or handshakes. There are many options. I hug guys before departing when I went on dates with them.

I read what you were saying, but I don't agree with your point about physical contact. I don't think people should be expected to welcome physical contact on first dates, since people barely know each other.

My examples of 2 guys that have initiated kisses on first dates:

One guy was on his phone 95% of the time during our first date, asked if he could kiss me. My lips touched his tongue first, tried again, same thing, so I didn't attempt more. I did not hear from him.

Another guy was also on his phone as much on first date, kissed me after we hugged goodbye, but this one lip locked me a few times. I probably reciprocated as a natural reaction, and he seems to have been interested in seeing me again. Makes me wonder 🤷🏻‍♀️

With situations like these, are the reasons why I wonder what's the point of kissing someone on first dates, especially if they barely interacted with me? And somehow the guy in second example seems pretty into me, even though I saw he interacted with his phone more than he did with me.

[Asker]

parting*

[Lliam]

Based on your experiences with those two guys, I understand your hesitancy.

[Asker]

Thank you. I also would like to ask how you'd find that spark with a stranger on first date? Since (1) that might not happen on first date, and it can be built as people get to know more about each other.

(2) I'm interpreting the type of kiss you described was more like a peck on the other person's lips? (Or maybe a few seconds longer?) If that's correct, how does a peck or a few pecks of kisses help someone figure out if there's a spark or not? 🤔

For me, I would need more passionate kisses to know that, but of course I don't plan on lip locking every guy that kisses me (unless a guy does so).

[Lliam]

Good question about types of kisses.
I think of a peck as something where you pucker tightly like this:


But what I was talking about is keeping your lips way softer. I mean, if the kiss isn't sensual, it's counterproductive. It should be soft, yielding, and press tenderly for only a couple of seconds.


Tender and sensual, not wet. Eyes closed. Maybe exhale softly through your nose during the kiss and inhale through your mouth afterward, as if feeling tingles.

It's a way of saying "Thank you for the evening. I had a wonderful time and want to see you again."
It is a demonstration of your sensuality and a hint of what may lie in the future. THAT'S how to set off a spark for sure. A kiss like that can make my head swim.

But NO lip locking or tongue. That would be crude, tactless, and not even sensual. A guy who does that is an immature klutz who only wants sex but doesn't even know how to make love. Immediately reject.

[Asker]

I've just been tongue "kissed" on a second date 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe a little teeth as well (?) I don't know. There was a lot going on, but I definitely felt his teeth, just don't know how they even got in there 😵

Yes, it has actually made me wonder if people who are not skilled at kissing, are skilled at sex?

[Asker]

With kisses where tongues go out first, I felt like I was being devoured by lizards, and couldn't even move my lips to properly kiss (but the kisses were proper anyway, so what am I talking about?)

[Oliverlogan263]

I can see why you'd be curious about that. For a lot of guys, the first kiss is kind of a way to see if there's any spark or chemistry between you. It's easier than just talking the whole time. But you're right, it doesn't always lead to something more.

I think for some people it's more about just having fun and living in the moment too. Like if you really like someone and the vibes are right, kissing them feels natural. But if it's just okay or there's no connection, then yeah it probably won't go farther.

For me, I'd only wanna kiss a girl I really like and am interested in seeing again. Just to be clear I respect you not wanting anything casual. Maybe the best thing is to be honest about what you're looking for up front, so you're both on the same page. Communication is important, you know? But I can see both sides for sure.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response and expression understanding.

I'm referring to when the guy has said that they're looking for a long-term relationship. I would not meet a guy if I know that he's only looking for casual, and when I talked about guys asking for kisses, I mean kisses only. They were not trying to sleep with me. It was more like a goodbye kiss I guess.

It's just that I don't understand what the point is, especially if a guy asked to kiss me and then I don't hear from him again. Sure, if he was interested in seeing me again then I would've understood more, but if he was already uninterested, then I don't understand why he would ask for a kiss? To me I think that's just pointless 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Asker]

expressing*

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah yeah, that does make more sense with the context. And I can understand why you'd be confused by that then.

If a guy says he's looking for something long-term but then just goes in for a kiss and then doesn't contact you again, that's kinda lame. Like what's the point of the kiss then if he wasn't actually interested in seeing where things went?

I'd be scratching my head about that too if I was in your shoes. Almost feels like he just wanted a little somethin' somethin' in the moment without actually havin' any real interest. Which ain't cool at all if you were lookin' for a relationship like he said.

Maybe he got cold feet after and didn't know how to follow up properly. Still a weird way to act though. Definitely gives off a casual vibe even if he claimed otherwise.

I don't blame you for not really understanding the point of a goodbye kiss leadin' nowhere like that. Makes the whole thing seem pretty meaningless if he wasn't planning to see you again. Not a good look on his part if you ask me. Thanks for helpin' me understand your perspective on it better!

[MissBoogus]

I kissed my boyfriend right away during the first encounter 😍 but the situation is different because we talked online for months first and we’re already saying we love each other and new each other

[RebelinSteel]

A lot is just social tradition, if you actually ask someone out on a date, then you might hug on meeting or shake hands. Have your date and see how it goes, yes some may find real attraction on that first date and kiss goodbye, a simple kiss lip to lip, no face swallowing or they may not and the second date goes the same way but now a greater chance of attraction and a kiss at the end may symbolise the acceptance by both that there will be a third date. It’s personal choice, however not having a kiss at end of 2nd date may wrongly or rightly raise the possibility of no third date and each would have to ask for a third date rather than just saying ‘ you fancy doing xyz next Tuesday’

[Asker]

I see what you're saying, but there was this one guy that asked if he could kiss me at the end of first date (I couldn't really reach the actual kiss since his tongue was sticking out?) But anyway, I didn't hear from him after first date.

[RebelinSteel]

Yeah leading with your tongue is crass, it’s one thing giving a lip to lip or lip to cheek, no one leads with a face sucking approach

[Asker]

Umm, I sometimes didn't get lip-to-lip kisses. Once my lips met a guy's tongue, and I've been lip locked on a first date by a guy. I probably did the same as a natural reaction, but maybe not passionately, since I was a bit caught off guard, and it was first date and I barely knew this guy, plus he was on his phone a lot during the date (hence I didn't understand the reason he wanted to kiss me, as we barely interacted?)

[Asker]

Okay, so there's this guy that I like and want to get to know more, and he's probably the only guy that hasn't kissed me or put his arm around me by the end of second date.

From our text conversations, I noticed that he waited for me to say certain things because he didn't want to repel me, but he'd say that he'd been waiting for me to say that.

I don't know if he was waiting for me to suggest a kiss, based on how he behaved in texts, and I didn't want to suggest kissing him since I don't know if his reason for not kissing was shyness?

I had a good time on second date, and did express that to him, but I haven't heard from him about a third date. He suggested second date, so I would say that he was still interested in me after first date, but I'm not sure about now.

Do you think my not kissing could've contributed to "no third date" up till this point? (Today is day 3 after second date. I'm giving him time and space, so haven't texted him besides letting him know that I had a good time on the day of second date.)

[BoopBoopBeep]

There are not a finite number of kisses I am allocated in my life time. It's not like I'm wasting one of them.

[Asker]

I feel that my kisses are not public property, so I'm not going to just spread kisses to any guy that I meet for the first time, especially if there's no point or meaning in the kiss.

I think it's also worth noting to mention that oral herpes don't always show lesions. If oral herpes had not existed, then that would've been one reason for me to feel more okay about kissing random guys, although this wasn't my original question.

[Asker]

Then I can apply your statement to amount of sex partners?

[BoopBoopBeep]

You can certainly do as you wish.

[slatyb]

The point? Does everything have to have a point? People kiss because it's pleasurable. It's also a test of compatibility.

[Space_535]

I’ve always made out on the first date except once, because I was nervous about her. And you know where that got me? Nowhere. So I try to kiss them on the first date because I know if they’re really interested in me or not.

[Berethor]

Everyone should pay for himself so the guy don't expect a kiss and sex.

[exitseven]

Why does there have to be point to it? Maybe is is just nice to do.

[Jamie05rhs]

I totally agree with you.

[Jamie05rhs]

Chemistry is built naturally through getting to know one another and becoming friends. (Well, not friends. Because that's platonic. But you know what I mean.)

[Asker]

Yes, I agree with you. I think it's a little superficial to give up on someone if there's no chemistry on first date, even if that person has good qualities - and even, is physically attractive, basically attractive inside and out.

I've learned to put aside my "preset" requirements and look at guys as whole.

For example, I love fitness, but I've gone on second dates with guys who love fitness but aren't jacked but rather toned, because we had nice interactions, because I enjoyed their personality and/or intellectuality, etc.

[Jamie05rhs]

I agree.

Awesome.

[Jamie05rhs]

Re: Update: that's EXACTLY why I don't give out kisses!

[Asker]

But how do you reject a kiss on a date? I feel that kissing on first (or second) date seems to be a social norm.

When I told a guy friend that I told my first date that I would not kiss a guy that I wasn't in a relationship with, my friend reacted like I was so unreasonable, as if I was a mom who didn't let a kid eat for 15 hours.

I didn't understand how, the lips are mine, but it was "wrong" to have a choice what I wanted to do with them. After that I had learned that kissing strangers on first and second dates is "normal," although still not understanding what the point is to kiss someone that I'll never see or hear again, and it'd be nonsense to say that because the kiss I gave was not good that's why they disappeared.

The guys that asked for kisses didn't even kiss properly. Those kisses were what I'd call the lizard kisses, with the tongue being in contact with my lips and/or oral cavity first. 😅

[Asker]

Meanwhile my one female friend said she kissed guys on dates if she wanted; if not, she'd push the guys away when they initiated kisses. I don't know how to do that so freely.

[Jamie05rhs]

So you'll let someone touch your body just because it's a social norm? Does "society" trump your own personal autonomy? Do you believe that you owe him that and it's his right to do that to you, because of some random code of "manners" and tradition?

[Jamie05rhs]

Your male "friend" was gaslighting and manipulating you. He wanted to make you feel bad for having personal standards.

[Jamie05rhs]

Your female friend is giving you the correct advice. And you should ask her for tips on how to push guys away if they try to do something that you do not want them to do!

[Asker]

I said kissing on first date is a social norm. I never said touching body is and don't regard it as one

[Asker]

I've removed guys hands from me. What I'm talking about is how do you not kiss on first dates if everyone you've gone on dates with expected you kiss them and proceeded to kiss you?

[Asker]

I've been judged and criticized as unreasonable for not kissing guys on first or second date, so how do I even get pass guys actually proceeding to kiss me, or questioned that I didn't kiss them.

[Asker]

But my female friends also have kissed guys on dates, which I interpreted that you're opposed to.

[Asker]

I wouldn't disagree with your opinion on my guy friend, based on what I know about him.