My therapist said I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship with anyone I don’t know very well, after having had a stalker recently. There are some really nice guys I’ve been talking to, but the timing is off. Should I explain, or just block them, or give them the option of starting as friends?
Tell them you aren't ready to date, but you don't dislike them. Fund out what they want from there on.
That would be great, and the right thing to do
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66Opinion
Explain. Don't ghost. Ghosting is avoidant, unkind, and the coward's way out.
Definitely do that. Never ghost somebody and leave them wondering what they did or what happened.
Yes. l, you should explain.
Not for them, but for yourself mostly.
u Yes, you did the right thing, and if you provide an explanation, what you have done is not "ghosting."
I have ghosted people (girlfriends, employers, friends) for my entire life. I don't do it to be unkind. I do it out of self-preservation. When children grow up in a family where they are verbally abused and denigrated for expressing a contrary opinion, it becomes impossible to trust that someone will respect your views when you discuss them with him or her. I have left a girlfriend in the middle of a conversation and never called her again or answered her her calls. I have resigned from employers by simply waiting until I was the last one out of the office and I left on my desk, my id, key and 3x5 card saying 'I resign.' I absolutely need to stop this but will I never stop. Never. My trust in others is less than zero.
That’s a shame. Maybe you need therapy, like I do?
No offense, but I don't think those are responsible behaviors.
@StarsInTheEyes I agree
If you 1. Don't know someone well why would you seek to have a relationship with them after 2. a serious trauma and 3. against the recommendation of your therapist? and 4. if you can't interact with them IN PERSON.
Listen to you therapist and work through this trauma for a few months, say two or three, and continue with therapy and if needs be, some medication. THEN, chat with someone a few weeks and meet and date them IN PERSON.
Don't waste your time online. You can't fully know someone unless you see and meet them, meet their friends and families, see where and how they live.
People need a 360 degree picture, RL, realtime portrait of a person to evaluate, to the best of their ability, WHO a person is. Words alone are not even the tip of the iceberg.
My God you did what you felt was the right thing being up front and it was only it's not your fault don't feel bad ok, those were juveniles immature dudes be glad they're gone, don't ever feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone, just be you and those that accept you as you are you know it's real friendship and those that don't, see ya your outta here, you owe nothing to anyone g if you not ready for as relationship say so and that's it you don't need phoney people who only want something from you around you, can count me as a friend if you want but please don't get mad feel guilty and don't have to explain you to no one ok
U did the right thing and u also see that they weren't the right person for u becuse what happened right after u told them they rain off they didn't stay and support u if they truly cared about u they be like hay it's cool let's take things slow and im here for u any time you need me and would of changed the subject to light talk can still be flirty but knowing u ant making past that point at least not for a wile that's the end game who ever is doing that is 1 of 2 things the one for u or really patient person lol
Explain. Always explain before blocking. He will not be able to magically read your mind before you block him. And that’s more disappointing and painful on the other end then most women will ever comprehend (unless they had it happen to them at some point).
If you are so terrified of his response then text your explanation first and then block him. That at least gives him a modicum of closure
The fact that so many women think it’s okay to block guys who did nothing wrong is very scary nowadays. You are in your 30s too. You should know better.
This is contributing to a very negative and extremely selfish cultural phenomenon. I hear that guys ghosting and blocking women now for no legit reason. While that’s complete bullshit I have no doubt they were likely ghosted themselves at an earlier point. It started out as shitty female behavior and now guys are doing it back.
Don’t contribute to the problem.
Saw your update. Good. You see that wasn’t so hard was it?
I just wonder why you felt that ghosting would be an acceptable option in this scenario. I’m glad you didn’t do it. You did the right thing. But why is it so many women automatically think that’s okay nowadays? I’m old enough to remember a time when it wasn’t like that.
Firstly, sorry to hear about your experience and hope the therapy will help you get through this.
Secondly, I would say, explain to them (if not all, at least to the ones you truly like) and tell them about your experience and that you are not emotionally ready. You might be surprised as to how they would react. If only one understands you and have your back, then you may have a friend for life. Even if you might not end up in a relationship with them, being able to open up and hopefully receive a feedback from someone else, especially if they are as nice as you describe, can mean a lot for you to cope with the whole situation.
There is no need for you to go through this by yourself. Be transparent and hopefully someone will have your back moving forward.
Best wishes to you!
u I think that you should explain to them why you cannot get involved with them for the time being, and cut things off there. I don’t think that ghosting them without explanation is a good idea, and I don’t think that offering to stay friends is a good idea either, as you wouldn’t be truly letting go of chasing after something more with them. Best option is to give an explanation, apologise for if you’ve wasted their time, and then end things there.
@Asker I think you did the right thing. I used to be wondering if guys didn't like something about me if they just ghosted me without proper communication.
I understand that sometimes it can get overwhelming for people to have to explain to everyone if they don't want to contact them anymore, but I usually only explain to the ones that I had more interactions with, especially if text conversations had been great and we met, it didn't seem like the guys were having bad times, I usually would say something.
If I didn't like them much after meeting, then I might just not text them, but if they didn't react out to me, either, then I don't think that would be ghosting, or the ghosting would've been mutual.
However, if anyone in your life right now would be willing to be friends and wait for you, and you really like the person, I wouldn't say that it's a bad idea. Depending on how comfortable you and that person feel.
Guys will always respect you for your honesty. Never ghost anyone. You wouldn’t like it if it happened to you. Alway be true to yourself but also truthful to them. If they don't like your honesty then they were not the right guy for you to began with. All they wanted was sex and nothing more.
I think you took the advice of your therapist wrong. If you are emotionally unavailable thats something you can discuss with a potential partner and see if he is compatible with that. Is he fine taking it slow and gentle for example? Shutting him out in advance seems like a bad idea.
I'm sorry , I would not be explaining , that is too much of a negative for you , look at this point you don't have to meet them , so don't block , just keep gentle communication , and if anything comes up , just say " Sorry at this point I'm not ready , if that's a deal breaker for you , I completely understand " .
I think some form of explanation is good but you don't have to go into detail if it makes you umcomfortable or if you're not super close to the guys you are talking to. I've gone through some similar stuff and I understand how hard this is. In my personal experience, sharing too much hasn't always been a good thing. Just let them know that it's due to personal reasons and that they aren't the problem. If you want, give them the option of being friends first but also don't force them into it if it makes them uncomfortable.
You should never be in a relationship with someone you don't know. That's operating off hormones.
Tell them all your following your therapist's advice and won't get into a relationship (or have sex) for the next year. Stick to the no sex for at least three months, and you'll know a LOT about them.
Ghosting doesn’t seem very healthy, but there is no need to explain anything to anyone. Just tell them you’re just looking for friends for now. If they push, don’t elaborate and say you’re going through some stuff and you aren’t interested in anything more than friends.
Explain and give them the opportunity to part ways with you or not. But if they are interested in romance, do not try to establish a friendship with them at! Just end it
Continue your therapy until you are able to move on from this distrust you have
I think…explain the situation to them. It’s the right thing to do. Ghosting them is impolite, and they’ve done nothing to deserve that. The friend thing is kinda just stringing them along. My honest opinion is that you don’t have to take your therapists advice. You obviously felt ready to start talking to guys, and you don’t have to rush into anything. But you can have an adult conversation and tell them, “hey, I’m going through a lot, so we gotta take shit slow.”
Ghosting is a child's way of dealing with things. The way a kid will turn the lights off in one room and haul a** to the next lit up room because they're scared and trying to avoid what they perceive to be something bad chasing them. We have feelings for a reason, deal with them head on like an adult or don't engage.
In response to your update: you did do the right thing
You weren't dating any one of them and don't owe them a whole song and dance. A simple message letting them know it's not gonna work is enough
It’s good to communicate why it’s not a good timing for you right now and you can let them move on. From my exp in the past, they were mostly understanding and respectful of it.
so now there's trust and security issues.
thats nice thing to do.
get yourself better, so you have strength. examine childhood... if wounds there are causing problems now.
just ghost them without explanation.
i talked with ur therapiat this morning and the concencus is i shall act as ur replacement stalker, to wean you off stalking.
But im kinda lazy so u'll have to text me ur every move.
you have my phone number ( i left it on ur kitchen table)
Start as friends. Get to know each other. If your therapist is any good they should be able to tell you there's a lot more decent guys who'll be happy to be your friend than potential stalkers out there
I would, I know stalker situations can be scary but I would still let someone know why I won't be contacting them anymore. I don't like to ghost people.
That's not ghosting if you don't explain. If you want to explain, then explain... aand bid them adieu. Do it that way, and there won't be regret or pain afterwards. A better way to do it.
Ghost them. You don’t need to explain yourself.
However, the appropriate respectful way is to let them know that it’s not working out for you. Then cut them loose
depends which. choose one for friends zone, tell others "i am not available now" then block those until later. keep one to meet and write.
Let them know that you don't think you're ready to date. Ghosting sucks and shows a lack of respect and empathy for a person, sending a short message shows maturity and and understanding
Explaining isn't ghosting them. If you're comfortable with explaining your situation to them then do so.
explain. no one wants to get demoted to the friend zone when you two were talking potentially romantically
You have a valid reason to avoid getting into a relationship.
Ghosting people who have not wronged you is an extreme measure.
Up to You. Your Choice, Your Voice. Depending on How You Feel and The Situation, Do as You Need. xxoo
People do have their reasons for ghosting people, but the best thing you can do for the other person is always to tell them and why.
You did the right thing, though it would have been nice if at least one of them would have been willing to start off as friends
Why would you block them? You don’t need to cut everyone out of your life just because you aren’t ready for a relationship.
Explain. Ghosting is rude in my opinion.. everyone deserves closure.
lol funny
I would explain it to them and tell them about the reasons. Most of them will probably understand it.
I think that ghosting is horrible. I would let them know that you beleive that the relationship is not good for you. Then see how the reaction is. I there is no contact good, if there are continuing problems, block the number.
I would do that, if you know they're into you it's best to let them know. It's polite and that way at least they know it wasn't their fault.
Block them. Why are giving explanation to someone, when u don't want to continue.
DO NOT explain. You'll only make the rejection worse.
You should definitely explain. It would be better for both of you.
Don’t ghost em just explain what’s going on to em and that your not ready for anything right now.
Nah, you don't have to explain anything.
There was a time in polite society when the obvious answer would have been yes. Pity.
Why not become friends with them first? Theirnis nothing wrong with having friends.
If you explain, you're not ghosting. You can ignore them after that with a clear conscience.
I think it's better to explain to them. But if you don't feel comfortable then sometimes it's better to disappear. And come back when you're ready.
it's best to be friends first before diving into a relationship.
Just tell him that the timing is not good for you right now
It's really up to you and how you feel towards this people. I never explained myself.
Fuck no because you don't have to explain shit to anybody. Only to your parents if they're alive. Everybody else can go fuck themselves.
Yes you should. I believe you shouldn't do anything to a person that you wouldn't want done to you. But why do you have to stop talking to them you can't just be friends?
If they were good at communication during your relationship, then yes.
If they're a creep, no
Why would you just block them like a crazy asshole if they did nothing wrong
Explaining is a true nature adult way to go with it. Ghosting is cheap and annoying. Sometimes the others keep wonder why they got ghosted .
Explain. You're 30-35. It's time to start acting like a woman and not a juvenile.
I think by asking people’s advice, before acting rashly, I’m doing just that.
It's not rash to let a guy know you're not ready to date. It's childish to just ghost him and leave him confused.
It’s not childish to ask a question.
I'm saying it's childish to ghost someone.
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